OUR DADDY

For some of us our fathers may have ignored, abused, criticized, or even abandoned us physically and/or emotionally.

It may have been difficult for some of us when we came to know Christ, having the concept of accepting our Heavenly Daddy as a loving Daddy. Only because we compared Him to our earthly father. A father who may not have been capable of loving. Who was not there for us emotionally. Who found criticizing, judging, scolding easier to come by.

Our earthly daddy is usually the first man in our lives that has the opportunity to bend us, mold us and shape us. We as daughters learn from our father's. We watch him in action. Observe. We watch how he interacts with other people. How he treats a female even. How he treats us. Earthly father's even model how a husband should treat his wife.

My father was an alcoholic. Depressed a lot of the time and unmotivated. He was not always there for me growing up. In my aloneness, I substituted it for playing sports. I was an avid tom-boy.

When my parents divorced I saw less and less of father. Forced to move away with my mum at age twelve to another state when she remarried. I felt abandoned. He did not not know how to relate to me. He would say to my mum on numerous occassions, "what am I going to do with her while she visits me?" He was at a loss? Our relationship was a struggle.

My father was a very critical man. Would criticize me and my brothers while growing up. Even into adulthood. My father could put me to shame. When that would happen little JBR would retreat within herself making sure she would not do that again whatever got daddy angry and upset. Let's make daddy happy next time. Be good and perfect. I would try all my little heart to impress my father to obtain his approval.

When I first came to Christ I was so very excited. But messed up in my belief system. I had no one to mentor me. And the baggage I was carrying from my abuse weighed me down something awful. So for over thirty years until about a year ago, I remained a baby Christian. Believing my acceptance or approval was based on following rules of obedience. Otherwise I would be put to shame not only by my dad but by my mum as well.

Since I did not have the proper nurturing with my earthly daddy, intimacy with my Heavenly Daddy has been hard. Something I struggle to this day. Though improving. As my heart continues to heal.

Through my journey now I am realizing that God is not like my earthly daddy. Hard concept at times to grasp still. Especially believing that my Heavenly Daddy will not let me down. Or bring shame.

Reading the Word I can discover the character of God and be reminded of His truth. That God is loving and trustworthy and very interested in who I am. As me! Slowly but surely my idea of the way I see my Heavenly Daddy is changing. Towards loving.