Discussed tonight in therapy my little girl still feeling like a little girl around my mum. She still reacts out of anger and resentment many times when she is trying to have a voice and her mum comes back with anger and control. My little girl has been protecting herself by not sharing important personal things that would cause mum to control and badger.
But, leave it up to the enemy though.....I come from therapy tonight and my brother called wanting both my mum and I to come up to visit some time the week of Christmas. Since my Nephew would be in town and I had not seen him in over ten years.
For my followers who know just how domineering my mum is, you will understand my delima.
I purposely did not share with my mum the "possible" opportunity of an interview sometime next or the following week at my old company. As she would make me crazy and hound me non-stop. Rehashing over and over and over again. Telling me what to do. What to say. How to behave. What to wear. If she had her way she would come with me. Believe it or not, she did that in my early days. Sat in on an interview. I think I was 19. The employer wondered what was going on? My mum embarssing me to no end. Nudging me with her elbow to answer the questions that were posed to me by the employer. I do not have to tell you I never got that job. I felt so humiliated. But her control and my emotional pain was too great to see any other way.
I really cannot pass up the opportunity for this interview. Since I have been unemployed for close to a year now.
Unfortunately I had to tell my brother about the interview. Did Not Want To. In order he would not plan on us coming up there since I did not know exactly when and if the interview would come down. I told him NOT to tell my mum about the interview! This whole thing is becoming messy. If the interview does not happen next week, then there would be too short of a notice for my mum with planning on making a road trip. She would have a conniption fit that the reason for the delay was because of an interview possibility that she never knew about. Time is a factor.
I do not want to do a five hour road trip with my mum for a one nighter having to return the next day. Because my mum only would want to stay one night.
So, that being said, this shows me that my mum still has some tight reigns of fear on me. Because my little girl is now very angry once again and fearful of the outcome of this whole scenario. Lost her appetite to eat. Little JBR is not grown up enough to fight her own battle and set boundaries! Which makes her even more mad that she is not strong enough. I hate feeling small! Takes me back to the 1960's. It is very uncomfortable feeling small and powerless.
Big JBR interjecting here: Once processed a bit more and the little one calms down, we will be able to rationalize a bit more and comfort one another. This whole thing boils down to this interview that I want to keep quiet from my mum. Now, thinking in the end mum is going to have to be told about the interview sooner than later.....which ticks me off at present.
I know this post is confusing to follow and I may just take it down. Right now I am just venting and upset.... My little girl needs an outlet to express her frustrations and fears.
and has now come when the true worshipers will worship
the Father in spirit and truth, for they are the
kind of worshipers the Father seeks." - John 4:23
My Heavenly Daddy is healing
me from the inside out.
Transparency is Real.
Many times painful.
Daddy let me be secure in You only!