"Yet a time is coming
and has now come when the true worshipers will worship
the Father in spirit and truth, for they are the
kind of worshipers the Father seeks." - John 4:23

My Heavenly Daddy is healing
me from the inside out.

Transparency is Real.
Many times painful.

Daddy let me be secure in You only!

Thursday, December 13, 2012


Discussed tonight in therapy my little girl still feeling like a little girl around my mum. She still reacts out of anger and resentment many times when she is trying to have a voice and her mum comes back with anger and control. My little girl has been protecting herself by not sharing important personal things that would cause mum to control and badger.

But, leave it up to the enemy though.....I come from therapy tonight and my brother called wanting both my mum and I to come up to visit some time the week of Christmas. Since my Nephew would be in town and I had not seen him in over ten years.

Switching gears......

For my followers who know just how domineering my mum is, you will understand my delima.

I purposely did not share with my mum the "possible" opportunity of an interview sometime next or the following week at my old company.  As she would make me crazy and hound me non-stop. Rehashing over and over and over again. Telling me what to do. What to say. How to behave. What to wear. If she had her way she would come with me. Believe it or not, she did that in my early days. Sat in on an interview. I think I was 19. The employer wondered what was going on? My mum embarssing me to no end. Nudging me with her elbow to answer the questions that were posed to me by the employer. I do not have to tell you I never got that job. I felt so humiliated. But her control and my emotional pain was too great to see any other way.

I really cannot pass up the opportunity for this interview. Since I have been unemployed for close to a year now.

Unfortunately I had to tell my brother about the interview. Did Not Want To. In order he would not plan on us coming up there since I did not know exactly when and if the interview would come down. I told him NOT to tell my mum about the interview! This whole thing is becoming messy. If the interview does not happen next week, then there would be too short of a notice for my mum with planning on making a road trip. She would have a conniption fit that the reason for the delay was because of an interview possibility that she never knew about. Time is a factor.

I do not want to do a five hour road trip with my mum for a one nighter having to return the next day. Because my mum only would want to stay one night.

So, that being said, this shows me that my mum still has some tight reigns of fear on me. Because my little girl is now very angry once again and fearful of the outcome of this whole scenario. Lost her appetite to eat. Little JBR is not grown up enough to fight her own battle and set boundaries! Which makes her even more mad that she is not strong enough. I hate feeling small! Takes me back to the 1960's. It is very uncomfortable feeling small and powerless.

Big JBR interjecting here: Once processed a bit more and the little one calms down, we will be able to rationalize a bit more and comfort one another. This whole thing boils down to this interview that I want to keep quiet from my mum. Now, thinking in the end mum is going to have to be told about the interview sooner than later.....which ticks me off at present.

I know this post is confusing to follow and I may just take it down. Right now I am just venting and upset.... My little girl needs an outlet to express her frustrations and fears.


  1. JBR knowing how your mother is I am sorry. Coming down to it, I think you have no option but to tell her. There are to many parties involved now. She probably needs to know why you may not be able to go to your brother's because of an impending interview. Tell her not to bother you with questions. When you're ready you will tell her more. Hope that helps. God Bless.

  2. "What, then, shall we say in response to this? If God is for us, who can be against us?" - Romans 8:31

  3. JBR I can understand a very controlling, demeaning, eruptive, abusive personality and in the form of 'mother', I have one to. My advice is no you do not need to tell her about the interview and that it is okay not to tell her. Why does she need to know? Only if you want her to know I think. Also if you would rather not be on a road trip with her then that is okay as well you have the right to not take up the invite. You do not need to justify yourself to anyone. Well that's my penny's worth but I pray you find the right outcome for yourself and I pray you get the job if it is what you want. It is hard I know to stand up even stand apart from a contolling person especially one who is a parent but sometimes I think it is the most loving thing to do for that controlling person because you are breaking their cycle of abusive behaviour. This can be a hard and lonely stance to take as i have discovered but a necessary one well for myself at any rate. God Bless.

  4. Behind the Smile has said everything I wanted to say but couldn't find the words...
    I agree with everything.
    I wish you good luck with the interview and peace at Christmas. Remember the reason for the season.

  5. Vent all you need, let the hurt out, and God in.

  6. Oh my, this is a dilemma. Praying for you hon, God will lead you in the right action to take.


  7. I can understand the confusion you are feeling. Praying for wisdom to choose the right path.

  8. vent away, feelings released are goooood. on the other hand, i also know that feeling of powerlessness over certain situations, that feel like a lose-lose, and there is just no easy answer, easy way out... hugs and love!!!