The tears slowly began to emerge last Thursday in therapy. Desperation and fear was in bloom. Not full bloom yet. But in bloom nevertheless.
My Heavenly Daddy knows just the right amount of pressure to use. And I DON'T like it!
It was Big JBR and not the little one that was in distress on Thursday. Although I am sure since the two are connected the little one is setting off the big one. Since it is about her and the trauma she faced and endured.
Big JBR is just trying to protect herself from feeling. Which is not good. Now that is. Back when the little one was going through the trauma, she had to shut down some how to survive.
Truthly, last week, I was not a good place. I wanted to die. Literally at times.
But..... facing the place of pain is right where I am to be. To heal.
Big JBR was fighting to regain composure on Thursday. Only to lose out a few times. The little one's heart is breaking and pretty soon there will be nothing to stop nor control the emotional pain that will come out in tears.
For those of you who do not know this about me, the tears are significant. Recalling my story from past posts, I fight my pain. Out of fear. Especially when it comes to crying. Especially in therapy.
I was told and shown while growing up, from my father especially, not to cry. My earthly daddy hurt my little girl's heart something awful. So, I internalized my pain that to this day feels like a deep cut by a knife into my flesh. I was left to my own thinking and processing as a child of my surrounding and what was going on and to me.
((HUGS)) Praying you will find peace and happiness.
ReplyDeleteHugging you tightly JBR! I too have a problem letting things out and go. I want to suck in the pain, but my spirit cannot hold onto it. Especially with my walk with Jesus I'm so emotional! There were times I wanted to die too, I'm also in a spiritual battle and it's pretty severe, but Jesus told me to stop fighting and let Him take control.
ReplyDeleteLet God control your heart JBR, it's the only way.
Blessings ♥
Oh JBR, I'm sorry you were feeling so badly. But your dad was wrong-- crying can be good! It's basically my best way for dealing with intense emotion (whether it be good or bad). Trust me, I know how uncomfortable it can be to cry; when other people can see me do it I feel so embarrassed and stupid. But I think that's just me projecting my insecurities onto them, because when other people cry I don't think they are stupid at all-- I want to help them. I'm glad you were able to let some emotion loose. You're making so much incredible progress, JBR.
ReplyDeleteBe well,
NOS
I'm praying that God will continue to heal you, will allow the tears to flow, and will be there to comfort you when you go through the pain. You've come so far.
ReplyDeleteUntil a few years back I always thought of tears as a bad thing but now I know how healing they can be. Praying for you and sending you a big hug, my friend.
ReplyDeleteIronic? Thursday was a rough one for me..I even kept thinking about you...sigh..wow...I ended up doing a post a few days ago about joy in the journey and about crying...and well that night I can't tell you how many times the tears came to me, spilling over my eyes...I kept reminding myself ..'do not suck it up', 'deal with it, face it, it's going to be ok'...A few times I thought I was going to have to go to the bathroom to just sob and sob in privacy but God gave me the strength. To embrace those tears with love and not fear a full blown melt down..which I keep reminding myself..'oh well if that happens'...I've mentioned that I have cried more since August than I have ever cried in my entire life...I had a friend the other day say to me something about it's 'overwhelming' at times (in a good way) to be around me because it's just pretty powerful this healing that is happening and it's touching others also and it can be well they don't know what to do with it themselves....People are facing their pain also when they are with me and we end up crying in pain but with joy at the same time because through the pain we are being healed...I understand about ..
ReplyDelete"I was not a good place. I wanted to die. Literally at times.
But..... facing the place of pain is right where I am to be. To heal...".
amen..I know..sigh....blessings and thanks for my safe haven....
I'm sorry to hear you were having to deal with so much this week, Grace. I pray that you can work your way through that desperation and fear and find peace on the other side of it. Hugs to you.
ReplyDeleteAppreciate you so much.
ReplyDeletePraying for your continued healing. May the tears wash away those fears. God bless.
ReplyDeleteOh hon, praying and praying for you. It is hard to go through, but you are not alone. Father is right there with you and so many are praying for you.
ReplyDeleteHugs,
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Thanks for sharing your heart! You are growing through pain!
ReplyDelete