I realized something today....
Something deeper than I thought I could go any deeper with thinking...
God's love is going to be "the end result" to the ultimate of my complete healing and restoration.
Although I am so very much closer to my Heavenly Daddy's love, and feel I have conquered some big monsters from my past, only to come to realize today, I find I am still holding back on receiving my Daddy's full love to complete my inner most surgery of pain. Out of fear. Out of uncertainty. Out of shame.
Sharing this is very painful for me now. Very frightening. I thought I had a better handle on these emotions of memories in this stage of my healing. But I was wrong.
Now I know why we push the pain deep inside. Shut down. Wear masks. Deny. Run. Fight the feelings. Fight the tears.
It hurts!! It truly hurts. It hurts like hell. It truly hurts and is scary!
Facing these last monsters, is like a painful sting of a scorpion, although the heart pain exceeds the sting, is terrifying nevertheless.
My little girl remains scared. Trust is hard. Still clinging to the pain of what she saw "love do or not do" to her while growing up.
Comparing her earthly daddy's absence to her heavenly Daddy. A Heavenly Daddy, Who wants nothing more than to be there for her. But, she fears the aloneness and abandonment that was brought on her at such a young age by her father.
She fears the intimacy, and turning away of her Heavenly Daddy.
Which in turns brings doubt and fear at times to having personal relationships. Always questioning her frail vulnerability (as the pain runs deep) in the back of her little mind...."Am I okay here? Is there a chance to become hurt?"
She right now cannot get past some confusion and remaining painful memories that stab her open wound of her heart and make her bleed and cowar.
Feelings of abanondment runs deep! Extremely deep. Covers a lot of ground. Overlapping into other areas of life. Acceptance being one of the overlapping areas.
These abandonment issues is one place the little one does not want to revist. Very frightening and painful.
Facing the fears will be really painful and frightening. She knows it. At the same time she knows it is the only way to heal. Is to go through.
The little one is even shaking and anxious now as she lets her big girl type this out as she recall some past painful events as a child. Feeling so alone. Scared!! Extremely insecure and helpless. Having to fend for herself with the hurt and feelings of aloneness and rejection. Making her hurt inside and cry. Then no one coming to her rescue to ease the pain.
Having her earthy daddy get mad at her for no reason. Leaving a lasting impression of disgust from him and a bother to him. If looks could kill, her daddy had them. She only wanting to be loved by her daddy and to feel special.
The little one is looking forward to the day that her Heavenly Daddy heals her little self.
From all her fears. From people and corrupted mind games that she remains frighten from in her thoughts.
She longs for her Heavenly Daddy to hold her in His arms. Reassuring her that He would never leave her or abandon her. That she is always safe with Him. That she does not have to worry about ever ever being alone. That the fear she feels about herself not being able to cope, will go away and be replaced by peace and His everlasting love.
Love is scary. For some one who never really understood or experienced it!!!! But, is slowly finding out. It is still scary. Uncertain. Bringing at times to the little one the question....." is this going to hurt?" Can love be found and be okay with?
The little one is frighten of this love. As she still needs to work out the misconception of the abandonment issues which brings fear in moving on.
Amen JBR! It says that when Christ comes back we will be perfected and lack in nothing! Let Daddy heal you. Jesus has brought up some terrible and humiliating things to the surface He wants to focus on. He even wants me to tell my therapist. It's painful, but no pain is no gain. We have to be broken to be fixed.
ReplyDeleteHugs JBR ♥
Yes, your little girl is crying out, but at least she has found a voice and is no longer silent. She is learning to speak up and stand up for herself. She deserves to be treated well, and she deserves to be happy. Progress is being made! Wishing you peace, Grace.
ReplyDeleteI think you are doing an amazing job of facing your fears and overcoming them in Him.
ReplyDeleteDeuteronomy 31:6
Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid or terrified because of them, for the LORD your God goes with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you."
Deuteronomy 31:8
The LORD himself goes before you and will be with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged."
Father's promise to us is amazing. Keep pressing in.
Love and hugs,
<><
"Am I okay here? Is there a chance to become hurt?"
ReplyDelete....I share with some..'your a safe landing spot for my heart'....I know this place here is a safe landing place..I'm secure, I'm hidden in God's love here, away from the prying eyes, away from judgement from the 'peeps' and 'stalkers' that like to follow along in my life...The ones that are here that I do know..well they too are a safe landing for my spirit so I continue to be 'safe' here'. I wrote today about ..when I am anxious, I am not trusting in God'..I lived most of my life being anxious...and it brings back the little girl...being anxious all the time...so afraid all the time...Not showing the fear though because than that would cause even more problems, more hurts, more pain...so it was always suck it up, and take it, it's all your fault anyway...And here I am now...embraced by God's love...with my permission....allowing Him to embrace me and me stopping myself from pushing Him away..but accepting His love...and working on dealing with those that have caused me such hurt and anguish. Crying out to God to help me deal with the anger, the pure anger that I have toward those that have done this, that are in denial and continue to blame me, that I'm the problem....the few times my dad has walked in my house these last few months, which lasts a total of 4 minutes (dropping daughter off) has been..'what's on your head..(a zit..thanks for noticing)..tonight was ..'get a hair cut'..'have you talked to your mother'...I want to scream..shut up..if you got nothing nice to say get the hell out of my house....I want to scream and scream and scream...but will it do any good..it will fall on deaf ears..(literally since his hearing is extremely poor,,lol..thank God I can laugh at times...)I need to deal with this anger because I refuse to become sick with it..I need to let go, forgive and move on...That's the part I'm dealing with..moving on but still being that daughter but one that has to distance herself from them since they are soooooooooooooooo sick...I'm just sitting here and don't know what else to write...well I do, but just want too..thanks for letting me 'visit' you and have my coffee with you (got it sitting beside me..lol)...Blessings sweet one and thanks again for your love.
God is an all-sufficient love, and your relationship with Him will heal your emotional wounds. The bible says that God is close to the brokenhearted and those crushed in spirit…..He has promised you in His word that He will never leave you or forsake you dear Grace! He cries with you, and when you are honest with God He will open your heart to receive His tender care, His wisdom, His strength and His comfort.
ReplyDeleteBlessings and love sweet friend of mine!
Denise
God's love is going to be "the end result" to the ultimate of my complete healing and restoration.
I found you. I can't believe that for over three yrs. now I couldn't remember the name of your blog. Then all of a sudden in a search on the internet you came up. Was a long time follower. I don't have a blog no more. Thats why I'm anonymous. Strawberry. You remember me?
ReplyDeleteGlad to see your still writing. IN reading over a few of your posts, you've come far. Not to mention your faith has grown.
At this time sorry for your pain and struggle. Can't imagine what your going through. Hang in there.
Strawberry
JBR my heart fills up for you pain. Always know I'm here encouraging you every step of your journey. God bless.
ReplyDeletethere is NOTHING braver than opening
ReplyDeleteto love!
nothing.
love is scary and good and worth
all the trembling:)
love to you in your saying yes to love,
Jennifer
This comment has been removed by the author.
ReplyDeletePerfect love casts out all fear- you are winning at this!
ReplyDeleteThis is what it's all about - opening our hearts to receive God's love. It sounds so easy...but we know it's not. You are doing great, my friend. You have come a very long way in such a short time and that takes great inner strength. Many people simply live and then die in their dysfunction because it's so hard to face the past. They never even make the attempt to look deeply inside themselves. I applaud your courage.
ReplyDeleteSending you many hugs!!
Dearest JBR,
ReplyDeleteI know this fear, and I also know My Gentle Savior. He will never leave you nor forsake you!
Perfect love casts out all fear...when we revisit the darkness we are no longer alone...we are no longer walking as a blind person, as a defenseless child..We walk with His light, and with His authority over anything that is in that darkness...It is because of the blood of Jesus, and because of the name you bear that the ones in the darkness now cower in fear of the one who walks with you there!
Stand up dear child, and take your heavenly Daddy's strong gentle hand, and go forward casting light into every dark corner of your mind...filling it entirely. This is a true spiritual journey that leads to freedom and fulness of joy...In His presence!
I am excited for you~ You will be so happy when you gain the courage to finally open your heart and your spirit to all the Lord has promised to you...
"Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid or terrified because of them, for the Lord your God goes with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you.”
Deuteronomy 31:6
I had to copy what I just wrote to remind myself as I journey through the darkness as well...We are more than conquerors! And no weapon formed against us shall prosper~Amen~
Praying~ God bless~
Lisa
I don't know anything about feeling connected to higher powers. But I think in this post you are dancing around a point that is so important: Love is there. It's completely available. It's when we're able to ACCEPT it that we begin to believe it exists. I think there's tons of complicated thoughts and feelings when it comes to feeling worthy of love, and getting to that feeling is really hard to do. The only being's whose love I have been able to accept is my dog's. I know she loves me unconditionally, and it's the greatest feeling in the world. (And, by the way, I would rather die than see her hurt.) You are loved, JBR. It's out there, it's available. You just have to feel ready to take a piece of it.
ReplyDeleteBe well,
NOS
It IS scary to be vulnerable and let ourselves be loved. Thankfully, our Lord is truly the only one who will never misuse that trust, but sometimes it is so hard for our earthly hearts to really embrace that. Hugs.
ReplyDeleteThanks for being so inspiring.
ReplyDeleteJBR, I really identify with so many of your emotions. I thank you for sharing your thoughts and feelings. It is scary, but I have no doubt that we will get through, we are strong, courageous, full of strength and love.
ReplyDeleteMadison:)
Grace, I wish I knew the right words to say. You are so often in my prayers, even when I am absent from the cyber world for awhile. I know how far God has brought you. I think the closer we get to Him the more we realize we need Him, no matter how far we have already come...sending much love and blessings your way :)Shana
ReplyDeleteGod is always loving...and obviously we are playing it wrong...unless n until we get our acts right, nothing is going to be right...
ReplyDelete