and has now come when the true worshipers will worship
the Father in spirit and truth, for they are the
kind of worshipers the Father seeks." - John 4:23
My Heavenly Daddy is healing
me from the inside out.
Transparency is Real.
Many times painful.
Daddy let me be secure in You only!
THE END RESULT
I realized something today....
Something deeper than I thought I could go any deeper with thinking...
God's love is going to be "the end result" to the ultimate of my complete healing and restoration.
Although I am so very much closer to my Heavenly Daddy's love, and feel I have conquered some big monsters from my past, only to come to realize today, I find I am still holding back on receiving my Daddy's full love to complete my inner most surgery of pain. Out of fear. Out of uncertainty. Out of shame.
Sharing this is very painful for me now. Very frightening. I thought I had a better handle on these emotions of memories in this stage of my healing. But I was wrong.
Now I know why we push the pain deep inside. Shut down. Wear masks. Deny. Run. Fight the feelings. Fight the tears.
It hurts!! It truly hurts. It hurts like hell. It truly hurts and is scary!
Facing these last monsters, is like a painful sting of a scorpion, although the heart pain exceeds the sting, is terrifying nevertheless.
My little girl remains scared. Trust is hard. Still clinging to the pain of what she saw "love do or not do" to her while growing up.
Comparing her earthly daddy's absence to her heavenly Daddy. A Heavenly Daddy, Who wants nothing more than to be there for her. But, she fears the aloneness and abandonment that was brought on her at such a young age by her father.
She fears the intimacy, and turning away of her Heavenly Daddy.
Which in turns brings doubt and fear at times to having personal relationships. Always questioning her frail vulnerability (as the pain runs deep) in the back of her little mind...."Am I okay here? Is there a chance to become hurt?"
She right now cannot get past some confusion and remaining painful memories that stab her open wound of her heart and make her bleed and cowar.
Feelings of abanondment runs deep! Extremely deep. Covers a lot of ground. Overlapping into other areas of life. Acceptance being one of the overlapping areas.
These abandonment issues is one place the little one does not want to revist. Very frightening and painful.
Facing the fears will be really painful and frightening. She knows it. At the same time she knows it is the only way to heal. Is to go through.
The little one is even shaking and anxious now as she lets her big girl type this out as she recall some past painful events as a child. Feeling so alone. Scared!! Extremely insecure and helpless. Having to fend for herself with the hurt and feelings of aloneness and rejection. Making her hurt inside and cry. Then no one coming to her rescue to ease the pain.
Having her earthy daddy get mad at her for no reason. Leaving a lasting impression of disgust from him and a bother to him. If looks could kill, her daddy had them. She only wanting to be loved by her daddy and to feel special.
The little one is looking forward to the day that her Heavenly Daddy heals her little self.
From all her fears. From people and corrupted mind games that she remains frighten from in her thoughts.
She longs for her Heavenly Daddy to hold her in His arms. Reassuring her that He would never leave her or abandon her. That she is always safe with Him. That she does not have to worry about ever ever being alone. That the fear she feels about herself not being able to cope, will go away and be replaced by peace and His everlasting love.
Love is scary. For some one who never really understood or experienced it!!!! But, is slowly finding out. It is still scary. Uncertain. Bringing at times to the little one the question....." is this going to hurt?" Can love be found and be okay with?
The little one is frighten of this love. As she still needs to work out the misconception of the abandonment issues which brings fear in moving on.