im scared Alone. shaking don't like what feel in belly stuck. Locked up in pain don't like when feel. what i feel. Hurts. Cnfused.bg p I don't like feeling scared. big powerful people scare me. No good hate me Make fun me feel stupid When they look at me some hurt scare . me different lauf at angyr I never grew up. fun taken let me play life died Mlife stopped whenmy home and daddy split. inside died. no one told me hurt bad miond so small don't understnadI cry now. couldn't cry then missed out. missed life. dopn't go died died died every thng died inside head died. heart died so angry yell can't hide hide in corner lost don't go touch hurts scares why pain tocuch scary run runrun look away cant look wrong scared help love me don't hurt me dobn't make me inside hurts hurts pain. Angry can't speak hit
Big JBR did not want her little girl to speak. But, I knew in order to begin to heal, I have to give her voice despite the fears.
My little girl wrote the above early this morning. Took me by surprise. I did not know how this was going to come down. Just sat at the computer closed my eyes, then typed my pain as the tears came.
A few hours have passed and I returned to this blog to post the ending of this post. I am amazed at what my little girl revealed. Reliving hurts. Only the beginning.
Sweet, sweet JBR. It's okay to cry and to hurt. What happened to you was very hurtful, it's going to be okay though. Come on now hon, you come and cry the arms of your Heavenly Daddy are wrapped around you, holding and cradling you. Can you feel Him? He loves you. It's going to be just fine, you are safe in His arms.
ReplyDeletePraying for you as you go through this.
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CoG thank you for your encouragement. Crying is what I have been doing a lot lately. I feel Him closer each day. Thank you for your prayers. Knowing that you are praying makes a great difference. Blessings.
DeleteJBR I don't know what to say. My eyes are wide open as I read your little girls thoughts. It's like she's actually speaking. You gave her voice. I'm dumbfounded and at the same time, happy. Don't take it the wrong way. Happy as in progress. God Bless.
ReplyDeleteOnthewaynow typing her words took me back too. As I did not know what to expect. I just knew she was hurting inside and had to express the pain. I was really shocked later to see how young she is in telling of her pain. Even today, when I share in therapy, I have struggles expressing my pain. Blessings.
DeleteLord, reach out your hand and heal little Grace's broken heart.
ReplyDeleteThis is heartbreaking to read, my friend. may the Lord continue to bring healing to you - body, soul, and spirit.
My prayers are with you.
Dear Mary, thank you so much for your prayers. He is healing me dear one. Blessings.
DeletePraying the Lord will embrace you with His presence and His boundless love for you. He bottles every tear. Praying.
ReplyDeleteWith love,
Cherie
Cherie, appreciate the visit and your prayers. Oh yes, without a doubt He bottles our tears. Blessings.
DeleteHello its me and Annie - the little kid in me. You are brave and strong and you survived. Know you are loved and safe now.
ReplyDeleteLove Gail/Annie<3
Gail you are so kind. I know you were a former counselor and have gone through your own struggles, so always appreciate what you have to share. Hugs to you. Blessings.
DeleteThis is amazing JBR. I'm glad the Holy Spirit went through you so you can get in touch with your little girl. Deep hugs and blessings that God will dig up all that hurt within!
ReplyDeleteHI Ashley, thank you always for your support. Again, I am having trouble posting on your blog. Blessings.
DeleteI think this is the reason why I have been crying so much..starting in August and just getting more and more intense..October hit and sobs each and every day for a good month..than gradually crying but not to intense..lessening each and every day..but still there, tears welling up in the eyes...I couldn't cry as a child, I had to shove it all down..Far too much pain, had to be in denial for the pain was far too great....the sickness was just too much for a little girl to handle....I've been busy delving into abandonment issues and how to face those issues..and WOW...going deeper now and it is frightening...but it has to be faced. I'm tired of living in sickness. I'm done...I've had to distance myself from my parents right now...God continues to remind me..'they know where you live Angela, they know your number,'...they haven't called nor visited since Christmas (when I made the initiative) God showing me....me always reaching out..'love me, look at me, accept me'..I'm going to be 49 years old. It's time the little girl let's go of that and moves forward. They may have rejected me but God hasn't...I will no longer allow myself to be placed in circumstances that continue to replay that abandonment over and over again. I get it..they don't want to be with me, and I'm refuse to make excuses, refuse to protect them and take all the blame..I've done that since I was a little child...it's all me, it's my fault, I deserved it all, don't talk like that and say those things for they are not true, your just making things up, be quiet, why do you have to be so loud, your the devil's spawn, your not a good friend.....JBR, yepper, I see why you told me to come here today...I understand and I thank God I came here,,I guess I needed to let my little girl pour out her heart a bit too today....thank you for this safe haven for my little girl to come and be just loved..and know that it wasn't my fault and everything that did happen was wrong and I knew it was wrong,,,and no one would believe me,,and everyone I told well,,,they were just as bad themselves in abusing me also....
ReplyDeleteWoW Angela, I know we are kind of have similar backgrounds and pain. I am so glad that you feel safe here that you can let go. As I know your own blog is not geared for this. Feel free any time to come and post what is on your heart here. Even if my post is not relatable at the time you are going through something. You have me here to always read and listen to what you share. Blessings.
DeleteWow, powerful post, love you.
ReplyDeleteDenise, thank you always for your prayers of support. Blessings.
DeleteOh gosh. So sad. It really makes me angry to know people like this exist. Children are sacred.
ReplyDeleteYou never touch or hurt the innocent and those who did will surely pay for their sins. So take heart.
I guess this is why I am always against society pressure to turn children into little adults.
Children are a blessing and they deserve to live in a childs world.
Adults are blessed because they can enjoy a child in all its grace and innocence. It helps you understand that beauty and goodness is possible. You never destroy that without destroying yourself as well. I wonder if people understand this.
Lady, thank you for visiting. Society is sick mentally these days and satan's time is short so he is running rampant with evil. Appreciate you and blessings.
DeleteI am proud of you that you were able to let the little girl talk. I know it had to be difficult for you but it is for the best. I pray for your happiness and wholeness.
ReplyDeleteHey MC, appreciate your visit and specific prayers. Blessings.
Delete
ReplyDelete....you are beautiful, little one
and safe.
see the angels all around you?
they are here to protect you
and to remind you of the love
thick and sweet as honey
that is always, always yours.
you're in good strong tender loving hands,
sweet girl,
and always on his mind.
he has wonderful plans for you....a bright
tomorrow.
everything will be alright.
you're okay....it's all going to be okay.
take a deep breath sweetheart
and look for all the ways he shows his love
for you today.
they're everywhere....the kisses he blows.
catch them and hold them close:)
-Jennifer
Jen you have such a way with words. My little girl is hanging on to them. Blessings.
DeleteI know this too
ReplyDelete((((Amrita))))
DeleteYou always find the picture that goes well with what you want to convey to us. That even though some of us might not know what you had gone through, but through your heartfelt post and the pic, does otherwise. I still will say...I don't know but I feel the hurt. I'm grateful that God knows that and He is our Greatest Healer. Blessings to you JBR...Well, hugs, too... :)
ReplyDeleteRosel dear, thank you always. Yes, He is the Greatest Healer. All around. Hallelujah! Blessings.
DeleteGrace, I know it is very painful, but it does sound like progress is being made. That is a good thing even if you can't see it yet. Prayers for you, dear.
ReplyDeleteSad, but at the same time beautiful. Your little girl now has a voice. JBR, through the tears and pain you are experiencing growth. Your light is shining through and you are growing stronger and more beautiful because of it.
ReplyDeleteMadison:-)
I so admire that you are willing to let yourself feel the pain and hurt. Crying and acknowledging is so helpful. Bless you in this journey of healing :-)
ReplyDeleteThis post sets me back to my little girl.
ReplyDeleteBeen gone so long...not sure what God is doing in me but trust that He is healing that little girl in you. Our God is amazing...I am overwhelmed by His great love for us...Many blessings Grace. Shana
ReplyDeleteGood that this 'little girl' is starting to get things out. Healing is difficult when the hurt is all bottled up.
ReplyDeleteGod is never too busy to listen. His love knows no bounds.