THERAPY SESSION 1/31/13 "The Wall of Deeper"

"I Am Not Important."

Therapy today continued to shed light on how I still struggle with feeling important. That I am somebody. That I have a voice. That I have a right.

Believe me, my therapist knew exactly what I was feeling and expressing. Pointing out some observations.

I shared with her how even this week God has been showing up more real than ever before. Then at the same time revealing to me just how tired I am feeling day in and day out physcially in my body. That enough is enough. Time to face some emotional issues that I have been ignoring.

Still finding out I brush away the importance of "who I am and my self worth." Fearing the consequences of hearing the word "no" at times. In essence believing, "I Am Not Important" enough.

On this journey to freedom I have released a lot of crap and baggage from my past. Which I am truly grateful of!! But, the many years of continual stuffing of emotional pain that has yet to be dealt with has taken its toll in the form of physical pain. Arthritis being one.

So, even though, as the saying goes,  "I have come a long way baby,"  I have only come so far that is safe.  I continue to stuff and suck-it up in areas that I have not dealt with yet.  Unfortunatly you can do this for so long.  And I have been doing this most my life.  Now it has caught up to me.  Manifesting itself painfully in my body.  Although many would not be able to tell I am in pain, as I do put on a good front. I am miserable!

All tying into not being able to release my hurt from my past.  Oh, I know without a doubt I have not yet done this! 

It is interesting, as my therapist pointed out to me today that the parakeet I had  before this one, when it was dying and I was witnessing it's own pain, I grieved sooooo very hard. I grieved more for my bird than I ever did for my older brother and my father when they died.

I was crying heaves upon heaves of salty tears as my little birdie was laying there on its back at the bottom of its cage gasping for air and in agony.   I was hurting soooo deep in my gut my stomach began to ache.   Crying out, of all things, the word "Nooooooooo!"  Don't die!  All for this little bundle of feathers that gave me such joy. Now was taking its last breath in pain on this earth. And I could NOT do a thing!

That is it! That is the missing piece!! I could NOT do a thing! 

Something I loved so much.  Was being taken away from me. That is why I had to replace the bird the next day by buying another one. I needed my comfort. I did not get that when my life was being literally ripped away from me as a child. I had no one.

I could not do a thing when my brother was sexually abusing me. I could not do a thing when my parents were arguing and then finally divorcing.  I could not do a thing to have my father love me more.   I could not do a thing when I was forced to up and move with my mum to New York at 12 years old when she all of a sudden re-married within less than a year after divorcing my father. Leaving behind my father, family, friends, home, life. I could not do a thing when I was scolded  and to some how told to magically  love my step-father, a man I never met,  by my mum and was told to adapt to a new life whether I liked it or not. I had no control. Everyone breathing and existing hurt me in some way.  I lost trust in humans.   I was one trapped, angry, confused, hurting, little girl!

Having no one to talk to about what I was feeling as a hurt frighten angry child.  "Not important."    Having to suck it up and survive the best I could.  On my own.    Which was shutting down and going off in my mind to La La Land. Creating a fantasy world of safety in my mind.

My therapist has always said in addition to the sexual abuse from my brother, that the divorce of my parents was the last straw that broke the camels back. I agree.

The emotional connection I feel for a bird that I cannot feel for another human being, at this time, is the same pain I have to release to my Heavenly Daddy from deep within my core. Which in some sick and frightening way I continue to protect and hold on to behind one last thick barrier.

Even though, in the four years, I have dealt to "some degree" facing my past pain, what I experienced many years ago that is even deeper deeper deeper than what I have dealt with thus far also has to be released.

The emotional fear and physical hurt from the sexual abuse goes deeper and has to be released. The feelings of rejection, criticisim, shame and abandonment I felt from my father has to go deeper and be released. The pain from the divorce and false guilt has to go deeper and be released. The Wall of Deeper has to be broken down in order to fully heal.

My physical body is tired. In pain. My emotional being knows the next step will be the most painful ever.

Also, knows at the same time that it will be the most freeing!