"Yet a time is coming
and has now come when the true worshipers will worship
the Father in spirit and truth, for they are the
kind of worshipers the Father seeks." - John 4:23

My Heavenly Daddy is healing
me from the inside out.

Transparency is Real.
Many times painful.

Daddy let me be secure in You only!

Thursday, January 31, 2013

THERAPY SESSION 1/31/13 "The Wall of Deeper"

"I Am Not Important."

Therapy today continued to shed light on how I still struggle with feeling important. That I am somebody. That I have a voice. That I have a right.

Believe me, my therapist knew exactly what I was feeling and expressing. Pointing out some observations.

I shared with her how even this week God has been showing up more real than ever before. Then at the same time revealing to me just how tired I am feeling day in and day out physcially in my body. That enough is enough. Time to face some emotional issues that I have been ignoring.

Still finding out I brush away the importance of "who I am and my self worth." Fearing the consequences of hearing the word "no" at times. In essence believing, "I Am Not Important" enough.

On this journey to freedom I have released a lot of crap and baggage from my past. Which I am truly grateful of!! But, the many years of continual stuffing of emotional pain that has yet to be dealt with has taken its toll in the form of physical pain. Arthritis being one.

So, even though, as the saying goes,  "I have come a long way baby,"  I have only come so far that is safe.  I continue to stuff and suck-it up in areas that I have not dealt with yet.  Unfortunatly you can do this for so long.  And I have been doing this most my life.  Now it has caught up to me.  Manifesting itself painfully in my body.  Although many would not be able to tell I am in pain, as I do put on a good front. I am miserable!

All tying into not being able to release my hurt from my past.  Oh, I know without a doubt I have not yet done this! 

It is interesting, as my therapist pointed out to me today that the parakeet I had  before this one, when it was dying and I was witnessing it's own pain, I grieved sooooo very hard. I grieved more for my bird than I ever did for my older brother and my father when they died.

I was crying heaves upon heaves of salty tears as my little birdie was laying there on its back at the bottom of its cage gasping for air and in agony.   I was hurting soooo deep in my gut my stomach began to ache.   Crying out, of all things, the word "Nooooooooo!"  Don't die!  All for this little bundle of feathers that gave me such joy. Now was taking its last breath in pain on this earth. And I could NOT do a thing!

That is it! That is the missing piece!! I could NOT do a thing! 

Something I loved so much.  Was being taken away from me. That is why I had to replace the bird the next day by buying another one. I needed my comfort. I did not get that when my life was being literally ripped away from me as a child. I had no one.

I could not do a thing when my brother was sexually abusing me. I could not do a thing when my parents were arguing and then finally divorcing.  I could not do a thing to have my father love me more.   I could not do a thing when I was forced to up and move with my mum to New York at 12 years old when she all of a sudden re-married within less than a year after divorcing my father. Leaving behind my father, family, friends, home, life. I could not do a thing when I was scolded  and to some how told to magically  love my step-father, a man I never met,  by my mum and was told to adapt to a new life whether I liked it or not. I had no control. Everyone breathing and existing hurt me in some way.  I lost trust in humans.   I was one trapped, angry, confused, hurting, little girl!

Having no one to talk to about what I was feeling as a hurt frighten angry child.  "Not important."    Having to suck it up and survive the best I could.  On my own.    Which was shutting down and going off in my mind to La La Land. Creating a fantasy world of safety in my mind.

My therapist has always said in addition to the sexual abuse from my brother, that the divorce of my parents was the last straw that broke the camels back. I agree.

The emotional connection I feel for a bird that I cannot feel for another human being, at this time, is the same pain I have to release to my Heavenly Daddy from deep within my core. Which in some sick and frightening way I continue to protect and hold on to behind one last thick barrier.

Even though, in the four years, I have dealt to "some degree" facing my past pain, what I experienced many years ago that is even deeper deeper deeper than what I have dealt with thus far also has to be released.

The emotional fear and physical hurt from the sexual abuse goes deeper and has to be released. The feelings of rejection, criticisim, shame and abandonment I felt from my father has to go deeper and be released. The pain from the divorce and false guilt has to go deeper and be released. The Wall of Deeper has to be broken down in order to fully heal.

My physical body is tired. In pain. My emotional being knows the next step will be the most painful ever.

Also, knows at the same time that it will be the most freeing!


  1. O JBR this post makes me sad. I know I've said this on endless occassions, and I'm not going to cease saying it, I'm truly sorry for what was done to you as a child. No child on earth should've experience the pain and heartache you did. It's not fair. My heart breaks for yours. I care about you JBR. At the same time I'm encouraged to read how willing you are to defeat the foe! Spit in his face. What was meant for evil, our mighty God can turn it around. You're a strong woman wheather you know it or not. I'm telling you that you are! JBR you are strong!! I care. Freedom is right around the corner for you! God Bless.

  2. HI GRACE - I feel your pain, and I know your pain. I know too how hard the work is you are doing to finally be free. Freedom does no tmean we let go or forget - quite the opposite - we embrace and remember and know that we are strong and that we survived and we come to love ALL of ourselves - especially the wounded parts of us that made it! The littte girl in you is amazing as is the kid in me - "Annie" hugs from Annie. Give your inner chil a name, k?
    Loev to you
    Gail/Annie <3

  3. JBR I'm sorry for your hurt. I like what the 2 above me wrote. I agree. I can't say any more except I'm sorry.

  4. Sorry for you JBR. I have many issues with my self worth and wondering if I can ever connect with anyone deeply. I always felt a connection with animals. This is why I'm pretty distant from people and they wonder where I've been for so long. Just me and God's creations make all the things better. God has been revealing some past pains, shames, and hurts I have too out of the blue for healing. It's a tough road, but if there is no pain, there is no gain. God will not cause pain without something new to be reborn. Hugs and blessings JBR for your wounds <3

  5. (((hugs))) God bless you Sister. This has been a long process for you, but the Healer is with you every step of the way (and I know you know this). Sending you a cyber hug in the spirit.

  6. Grace, I'm so sorry to hear that you are in physical pain. I can understand how helpless you must have felt in all of those situations where you couldn't do anything and had no control over what was happening in your life. Please know that you are indeed important and you do matter. I hope you seek out and find the things you like to do and the things that make you happy. You most certainly DO deserve to be happy. Hugs to you, dear.

  7. I'm going to see a specialist in the next few weeks to determine what this 'pain' I am experiencing is...which I know it is me shoving 'pain' down for most of my life....I've been really facing down these 'fears'.the memories of my childhood and my adult relationship now with my parents..and it's hard..some days I think I'm going insane, at times those around me think I'm going crazy...but all I know is, though extremely painful, I'm facing these fears down, and overcoming them...and I'm learning to let go and no longer be in denial of what happened...

  8. I love, and pray for you my friend.

  9. Oh hon, I hear you. :'(
    I value you so much. I love your voice and what you have to say. You are precious, so very, very precious and I love you dearly sister.

    Praying and interceding for the love of Father to reach deep inside and heal you of this pain you feel. That He will cover you in His blood and heal the physical pain you feel.

    Standing beside you in prayer.

  10. I admire you for working so hard to heal. It is hard and painful work and you are doing a great job. Therapy saved my life; I learned so much about myself and it helped me tremendously. Some day the mental anguish will lessen and then be gone.

    My sister has terrible arthritis. A pain specialist told her to drink 2 quarts of water per day. It made a big difference, she says it cut her pain in half. It lubricates the joints.

  11. You've done remarkable things in your healing and recovery. Yes, the next steps look daunting, but you are an amazing, strong woman. I know you can do it. I will be praying for you, my friend~

  12. introspection time....

  13. Grace,
    It's terrible what internal stress can do to us. I wasn't aware that you were dealing with arthritis and I pray for your healing. You do know how courageous you are, don't you?

    Great insights here - I bawl my eyes out every time I lose a dog. It's as if the floodgates inside me are released and I always wonder exactly what I'm REALLY grieving about.

    God bless you, my friend.

  14. ((HUGS)) Hope you have a lovely weekend. You are in my thoughts and prayers. Debby