I believe the fear of abandonment is at the center of my core that remains so painful because it was difficult and uncomfortable for my little girl to share in therapy yesterday. This is the crux.
The emotional pain of fear has settled in my little girls heart. Embedded deep within. Always present. Usually coming full force to the foreground when any relationship, of any kind, that I am happily involved in or striving for (co-dependentantly) is pulled away from out under me.
At one time I used to blame God for taking something I wanted away. "Connection." But then settled on blaming myself. Self condeming. That I was no good. My fault. Shutting down completely in this area. Spiraling into denial big time. Leaving a couple of roommates I had baffled with my response of them legitimately (them getting married) moving out.
It is like a sick feeling of the fear of abandonment, loneliness and hurt that sets in. A feeling of not being loved. Which then brings on physical symptoms. Especially when I was younger.
These abandonment issues stem back to my parents divorcing when I was a kid. Forced to be whisked away with my mum to another state, New York, after she divorced my father and shortly remarried. To live and grow up with a step-father who was now the main male figure in my life. Having other family, my real dad remain in my hometown of Florida with my brothers. Me getting the rotten end of the stick. Because I was the youngest. My mum wanted me to come with her. I think also now that I am older and can put the pieces together, my dad did not want the responsibility of bringing up me among my brothers. This is actually the first time I am thinking about this. "How would I have acted if the roles were reversed. Would I have missed my mum terribly?" I know even back then how fragile my emotional state was. I do not know.....
All this being said, I believe I finally understood as my therapist explained just how much my little girl has to come out and be herself now. Finding the lost her. The one that lost her trust so long ago. She has to regain that trust. Beginning with her Heavenly Daddy. Asking Her Daddy to take the baby steps she takes with her along the way to healing.
Grace, it sounds like your therapist is helping you to make great strides and to have many moments of clarity. I hope your healing continues until you can feel whole and happy again. Wishing you a good weekend!
ReplyDeleteI agree with Daisy-- it sounds like your therapist is quite insightful, and so are you! So are very emotionally intelligent and self-aware. Those are excellent qualities to have.
ReplyDeleteBe well,
NOS
Many blessings on you.
ReplyDeleteIt sounds like it was a pivotal session!
I struggle with the abandonment issue, so I fully get it.
I completely understand you JBR! I deal with loneliness and abandonment issues as well. It's a scary and hurtful thing to do with so I understand. Fear always catches me by surprise especially last night which was horrible. Blessings and hugs JBR!
ReplyDeleteThis is why I always say adults have to do the right thing by their children You have to marry for the right reasons and then live in a psychologically healthy way. There needs to be a lot of good will between people.
ReplyDeleteYou are not less. You are more today because you have seen and learned more and this makes you a better person.
As for independence, well women should never lose that in todays world. Men are not gentlemen anymore. and women are not ladies. marriage is not marriage.
Family is not family.
So sad what is going on in todays world.
But it doesn't mean it can't happen.
Praying for you my friend.
ReplyDelete