and has now come when the true worshipers will worship
the Father in spirit and truth, for they are the
kind of worshipers the Father seeks." - John 4:23
My Heavenly Daddy is healing
me from the inside out.
Transparency is Real.
Many times painful.
Daddy let me be secure in You only!
Friday, February 08, 2013
I believe the fear of abandonment is at the center of my core that remains so painful because it was difficult and uncomfortable for my little girl to share in therapy yesterday. This is the crux.
The emotional pain of fear has settled in my little girls heart. Embedded deep within. Always present. Usually coming full force to the foreground when any relationship, of any kind, that I am happily involved in or striving for (co-dependentantly) is pulled away from out under me.
At one time I used to blame God for taking something I wanted away. "Connection." But then settled on blaming myself. Self condeming. That I was no good. My fault. Shutting down completely in this area. Spiraling into denial big time. Leaving a couple of roommates I had baffled with my response of them legitimately (them getting married) moving out.
It is like a sick feeling of the fear of abandonment, loneliness and hurt that sets in. A feeling of not being loved. Which then brings on physical symptoms. Especially when I was younger.
These abandonment issues stem back to my parents divorcing when I was a kid. Forced to be whisked away with my mum to another state, New York, after she divorced my father and shortly remarried. To live and grow up with a step-father who was now the main male figure in my life. Having other family, my real dad remain in my hometown of Florida with my brothers. Me getting the rotten end of the stick. Because I was the youngest. My mum wanted me to come with her. I think also now that I am older and can put the pieces together, my dad did not want the responsibility of bringing up me among my brothers. This is actually the first time I am thinking about this. "How would I have acted if the roles were reversed. Would I have missed my mum terribly?" I know even back then how fragile my emotional state was. I do not know.....
All this being said, I believe I finally understood as my therapist explained just how much my little girl has to come out and be herself now. Finding the lost her. The one that lost her trust so long ago. She has to regain that trust. Beginning with her Heavenly Daddy. Asking Her Daddy to take the baby steps she takes with her along the way to healing.