and has now come when the true worshipers will worship
the Father in spirit and truth, for they are the
kind of worshipers the Father seeks." - John 4:23
My Heavenly Daddy is healing
me from the inside out.
Transparency is Real.
Many times painful.
Daddy let me be secure in You only!
Wednesday, June 05, 2013
FEARFUL OF FAILURE
This post is going to be random thoughts and what ever comes to my mind. So, excuse whatever run on sentences and choppyness I may produce.....
I am going into my third day of my new/old job.
My biggest fear was the once again transition into the world of "people" and responsibility and submitting under authority that produces such fear with me! Of failure!
Since the six years since I left, they added more responsibility to my position. Responsibility has been something I never liked in life period. Because my mum never really let me be responsibile growing up. She did most of everything for me. Criticizing me saying I do things too fast and not thourough. Then at the same time my father would complain that I do not have responsibility. Then would criticize me.
So, when I became of age in the real world, as a "fail safe" I would go into negative, putdown mode before I even had a chance to work on and go through responsibility. In order to already set myself up for failure, because "when I failed" I already knew and planned it in my mind that I was not capabile to do the task.
So, leave it to my Heavenly Daddy to bring this issue to me now. Give my new position at my job a great big responsiliby that I do NOT feel comfortable with.
The two days at my job, while being trained for my new task, kiddingly I would through out the day make negative comments such as "I hope I can do this" and "I don't know" (sarcastically) to the girl I am replacing.
I see my pattern for survival and doubt. I know why I do what I do. I know how I operate cutting myself down before I give a chance to myself. This frustrates me sooo much now. Only because I am trying to heal in this part of my journey and am battling the enemy satan and his lies that I am this dumb idiot that will get reprimanded by my bosses when things do not go well and get blamed. Bringing up painful fear based incidents of my past. Making my sleep disturbed with fear.
So basically, this post is triggering BIG TIME my fear of having the finger pointed at me and yelling at me that you did this and that wrong. Crushing my self worth!
I thought I would be stronger in this area, but then again I think I am more aware so that is a plus. I am addressing the situation in my head and battling the lies. But, it is a struggle with my feelings. My little girl is cowaring.
Because I Do Not Want To Get Hurt. I remember the crushing pain of both my parents coming down on me. Especially my father. The hurt to my little girls heart. The cringing I feel even now in my body of the sadness, failure, fear and the physcial sideaffects it brings of nausea, body aches, trembling and sweating. I do not want to disappoint. Fail. This is where my people pleasing is still very evident. I do not want my bosses to think I am stupid so I will put enormus pressure on myself to do things exceptionally right! Causing at times physical and emotional stress even more.
Before I conclude, thank you all for your encouragement, kind words and prayers. Please continue with them.... If you need specifics, please pray that I do not beat myself up unmercifully as I learn this new task. That I become conscience of the words I say about my capability to myself and to others. Even if I kid about it. Help me to keep my mouth shut when I am ready to be negative. It is my safety mechanisim and how I have done this all my life in order to prevent me from accomplishing many things in life. Basically losing out on my life because of the fear of failure, ridicule and whatever else goes along with it. Sure, I can put on a strong front, but I am dying inside still. My little girl is very small during these times and is hurting terribly of the shame. Shame I am no good.
Somewhere in my messed up belief system, to fail means I am no good and I am not liked and laughed at.
Even though my bosses are nice, they are professional and so work oriented.
I am so fearful of failure. Fear of authority yelling (steming from parents) at me for doing something wrong. That is why I either avoid and/or already set myself up for failure and when it happens some how the blow is not as bad for I already have planted the failure and name calling I let satan get away with in my mind to happen. And believe it. Even though I know NOW it is not truth.
I know my Heavenly Daddy wants to pull more out of me!!!
So where is God in all this? He is there! Oh yes, His presence and His awareness is very evident through this struggle. Daddy knows and even I know that He is stretching me! I DON'T LIKE IT!!! But, I know it is the process of growth in trusting Him! I know He is good. I know He is with me. Still, this humanness (which I know He understands) hurts something awful. And it is real! Real. Real. Real.
At these times I want time to just stand still. Not advance so I do not have to go through the pain.
This particular stronghold of fear and failure is really sodered together. Tightly! No gaps. The sronghold will need emmense prying away. A solvant. A solvant of God's love to melt and release the fear and shame to Him. Permanently.
Though I have improved tremendously in some other areas, this remaining one is a Big and Tough one! I do not want this one extra responsiblity throw my whole work experience arye. Like you can get 100 compliments, but it is that one non compliment that you will always remember and forget the other 100.
Am I going to surrender to what God wants to do in my life?????? Or am I just going to give up?
On a side note, ironically enough I just found out today that the person I trained (it was a man) that replaced me when they "supposedly disolved" my position after nearly five years.......just quit.