"Yet a time is coming
and has now come when the true worshipers will worship
the Father in spirit and truth, for they are the
kind of worshipers the Father seeks." - John 4:23

My Heavenly Daddy is healing
me from the inside out.

Transparency is Real.
Many times painful.

Daddy let me be secure in You only!

Wednesday, June 12, 2013

PARALYZING FEAR


I cannot believe how much I am suffering this past week and a half at my new/old job with fear that is so paralyzing.

Fear of failure. That I CANNOT do anything right. Or being wrong. Oh, that hurts and frightens my little girl so much!!! I cower and remember many past incidents growing up running away from anything I believed I could not handle doing. Or told from authority figures (parents) that I was not capable. Out of fear of being reprimanded and condemed. Avoiding that painful fear which would literally bring on sickness to the point of nausea and diarea.

Triggering my self worth issues. That would spill over into my teens into adulthood. That I fear so much that I am going to be a Big disappointment in relationships and any responsibility I had to hold, i.e. jobs. That I am NOT capable of doing a job and that I will be unmercifully scolded upon, ridiculed and talked about and patronized. The patronized feelings come mainly from my father.

All this negative painful thinking constantly runs through my mind. Paralyzing me. Exhausting me both emotionally and physically.

To the point that when I was not working I was much more relaxed. Was able to enjoy sleeping, walking and more or less my day. Well, I have not been able to do much of those since I began work.

This morning, I Forced Myself To go for a quick walk before work. I wanted to! I miss and long so much for freedom!

Earlier this week I was sitting in my car looking out the windshield noticing a bird flying free. I wanted so much to be that little bird. At one point I think I actually slipped into a disassociating mode for a few seconds. Like when my brother was sexually abusing me, I went off. Numbing the pain and fear. Having not a care in the world. Actually becoming that bird. A safe place. If only for a few seconds, I felt the difference in my spirit, soul and body of weighlessness.

My Heavenly Daddy impressed it upon my heart that "okay now, for the most part JBR you relied on the natural all these years to get you through a crisis. It is time to tap into the supernatural and take My Word fully."

It is like He was telling me, the people who do not know Him have become closed minded, crude and impatient. He is aware of this. And the only way for the Body of Christ to survive even more in today's fast pace of perfectionisim is to rely on Him fully. Only Him. I will always be perfect in His eyes despite my faults.

I thought I was stronger than this....but in this area, my Daddy is showing me that the stronghold is tremendous and has not really been dealt with to the fullest. He is proud that I have come a long way. But, He knows that this area of the fear of failure and the shame that it brings me will ONLY be healed by Him. As I fully trust Him, let go and surrender.

10 comments:

  1. AnonymousJune 12, 2013

    I once read that fear is a natural reaction to moving closer to the truth.

    I've ways of dealing with my fears. Sometimes I ignore them and plunge in head-first without thinking; sometimes I avoid them altogether and run for the hills. I needed to give myself a little kindness, and accept that my fears aren’t necessarily based in reality.

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  2. Praying that God will wrap His arms around you and fill you with all the positive affirmations you need. Your not going to fail. He gave you this job and He is so proud of how far you have come. When I have negative thoughts I just ask for the demons to leave. They have no business in your head. ((HUGS))

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  3. Hi JBR,
    I am going through a 'trust in Him' situation too, and I have to say that once we know that the Lord is with us in a situation then He will bring us through that situation. His perfect love has the power to cast out all fear. Do not worry, take every thought captive and leave it to the One who has already conquered all our spiritual enemies. God bless and take no thought for tomorrow for every day of our lives is written in His book before even one of them was formed.

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  4. Hi JBR,
    You are going to be just fine. It is hard adjusting to any new situation and even more so when you have been hurt and there are triggers rising up. Just take it one day at a time and know so many are praying for you and loving on you.

    Hugs,
    <><

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  5. I lost my enthusiasm going to work that I had not worked a lot. I had been thinking a lot about people who abuse their power and it makes me angry still sometimes. That I know in a way, I'm letting the enemy steal my joy. And yet, He always is quick to remind me that He knows and I need to trust in His timing...

    May we always be strong JBR in His power not ours and I pray for your continued healing...Take care.

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  6. You'll do great JBR! Daddy will help!
    Me myself am still having trouble with my fears as well and I know Daddy is the only one to deliver me. I can't deliver myself, only His peace can surpass all understanding.
    Will be praying for you, hugs ♥

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  7. I feel you, I recently started a new career and am terrified but you know what, it will be ok for me AND for you

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  8. God goes to work with you and I pray you'll feel His presence there. Praying for peace for you, Grace, and sending you a big hug too.

    You are so right about the times we live in - we need to rely on Him totally and completely!

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  9. I'm so sorry to hear you are struggling with this, Grace. Wishing you peace and sending you a big hug. I'm sure God is protecting you and is with you wherever you go.

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  10. Let go, and let God.

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