Overcoming sexual abuse is very hard for me. I can still just go so far when engaging in causal conversation with the opposite sex. Fear somehow then finds its way in and invades my thoughts that "Ooooo what if the causal conversation turns into having the attention turned more seriously. Attention that is given to me as a woman? Where is that going to lead you?"
All this showing me, that conquering the demon of being sexually abused as a child and the emotional damage it has done to me is still so very prevalent. I know this! I am no dummy. I live with it daily. I know this area has been severely damaged!!!
I find my walls of defense go up right away when these "fearing thoughts" come in. Red Warning Lights are flashing before my eyes. "That is enough JBR. Things may get too serious and you will be taken advantage of and hurt emotionally and physically and scarred even more than you are now. Don't want to go beyond formalities."
I know I serve a Big God and He has taken me through and healed me from a lot of fears and emotional trauma these past five years. Still, I knew the sexual abuse would be extremely hard to overcome.
I cannot tell you the amount of paralyzing fear that still over comes my little girl when she feels threaten. Or perceive the possibility. Sure, big JRB can put on a front and kid and deflect, and appear normal on the outside to protect the little one. Just to survive and appear some what normal. But on the inside she remains an emotional mess.
I do not know if I will ever be totally set free and healed in this area this side of Heaven. I just do not know. My heart says no.
I DO know though that in Heaven it will not matter. My Heavenly Daddy may just hold my hand and walk with me here on earth the remaining years I have as my one and only true Husband. Where I do not need to fear man.
I know only a handful of you really DO understand this pain and fear. Who yourself have gone through the abuse and are living the very same thing. Thanks for listening.....
Having never been through what you have experienced, I can only imagine it. My heart goes out to you, though, Grace. I can understand why you would have such fear. It would be very difficult to get past those very painful memories for me too, I think. Wishing you peace.
ReplyDeleteYou are always in my thoughts and prayers. ((HUGS))
ReplyDeleteI'm sorry you're hurting so badly;
ReplyDeleteI hold hope for you in my heart:)
-Jennifer
Getting over sexual abuse is very difficult but with Jesus right there helping and healing you I do believe you will make it. Praying and praying for this part of you to heal as well.
ReplyDelete(((Hugs))) my friend.
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I can't even pretend to imagine. But I am soooo thankful that you know your future and how perfect and mjoyful it will be. I pray God gives you strenghth and comfort until then.
ReplyDeleteGreat post. xx
ReplyDeleteHi Grace,
ReplyDeletealthough I have never gone through what you have gone through I know that each of us who put our trust in Jesus have a mediator who takes our prayers to a God who loves us and sees us all as His children, and who is well able to heal our broken emotions. God bless you Grace and remember you have sisters and brothers in Christ who pray for you too.
(((Grace)))
ReplyDeleteJust don’t force yourself. There is no standard pace for recovery. I once read a quote asking why people always wanted to stand up immediately after falling. There’s no one to prove ourselves to. Just take your time. Cave in for some time if you need to, and just come out when you’re confident you’ve finally regained your balance and peace. We all go through different struggles in life. Yours is one of the hardest. You have my sincerest support on this. :) Vesta@Zalkin Law Firm
ReplyDelete