PARALYZING FEAR

I cannot believe how much I am suffering this past week and a half at my new/old job with fear that is so paralyzing.

Fear of failure. That I CANNOT do anything right. Or being wrong. Oh, that hurts and frightens my little girl so much!!! I cower and remember many past incidents growing up running away from anything I believed I could not handle doing. Or told from authority figures (parents) that I was not capable. Out of fear of being reprimanded and condemed. Avoiding that painful fear which would literally bring on sickness to the point of nausea and diarea.

Triggering my self worth issues. That would spill over into my teens into adulthood. That I fear so much that I am going to be a Big disappointment in relationships and any responsibility I had to hold, i.e. jobs. That I am NOT capable of doing a job and that I will be unmercifully scolded upon, ridiculed and talked about and patronized. The patronized feelings come mainly from my father.

All this negative painful thinking constantly runs through my mind. Paralyzing me. Exhausting me both emotionally and physically.

To the point that when I was not working I was much more relaxed. Was able to enjoy sleeping, walking and more or less my day. Well, I have not been able to do much of those since I began work.

This morning, I Forced Myself To go for a quick walk before work. I wanted to! I miss and long so much for freedom!

Earlier this week I was sitting in my car looking out the windshield noticing a bird flying free. I wanted so much to be that little bird. At one point I think I actually slipped into a disassociating mode for a few seconds. Like when my brother was sexually abusing me, I went off. Numbing the pain and fear. Having not a care in the world. Actually becoming that bird. A safe place. If only for a few seconds, I felt the difference in my spirit, soul and body of weighlessness.

My Heavenly Daddy impressed it upon my heart that "okay now, for the most part JBR you relied on the natural all these years to get you through a crisis. It is time to tap into the supernatural and take My Word fully."

It is like He was telling me, the people who do not know Him have become closed minded, crude and impatient. He is aware of this. And the only way for the Body of Christ to survive even more in today's fast pace of perfectionisim is to rely on Him fully. Only Him. I will always be perfect in His eyes despite my faults.

I thought I was stronger than this....but in this area, my Daddy is showing me that the stronghold is tremendous and has not really been dealt with to the fullest. He is proud that I have come a long way. But, He knows that this area of the fear of failure and the shame that it brings me will ONLY be healed by Him. As I fully trust Him, let go and surrender.