"Yet a time is coming
and has now come when the true worshipers will worship
the Father in spirit and truth, for they are the
kind of worshipers the Father seeks." - John 4:23

My Heavenly Daddy is healing
me from the inside out.

Transparency is Real.
Many times painful.

Daddy let me be secure in You only!

Sunday, April 05, 2009


This is such a battle for me recently. After sleeping most of my Saturday and half of my Sunday away, I made myself get up and get outside to walk before the sun went down here in my parts. In doing so, this is when I reflect a lot on what is going on with me. Daily before work I try and walk a mile or two. Praise does not come easy for me these days, as much as the Lord deserves it, it is hard for me to give gratitude to my Creator. So my mornings mainly consist of reflecting and crying out to the Lord. This is all I can do for now.

Weekends are difficult for me, as I find I am more depressed and lack desire. Any who, - I got myself out of my pity party, even just for an hour and walked today. In these reflecting times when I just do not have any words that can describe how I am feeling I just dig deep within my being with deep groanings that only the Holy Spirit knows for the moment. It is like a cleansing. I can feel physically and emotionally that I am struggling. I just know it is extremely real, painful and emotionally draining.


  1. "Remember your word to your servant, for you have given me hope. My comfort in suffering is this: Your promise preserves my life." Psalm 119;49

  2. taking a walk is something positive to do.A lot of times when I'm down I pop a Hammered Dulcimer cd into the computer as listed to that.Today I had a seizure while dubbing some tapes for the better half.and ended up taking a 2.5 hour nap.So we all do what we need to to help ourselves thru the day.

  3. It's good to take a walk. It makes us clear our mind.
    I hope you get better.

  4. You were up a bit late tonight, JBR. Morning comes early, just ask G'diva! Seriously, I hope the sleep does you some good, and it wasn't just an escape. I know how that deep pain is...the tears I shed in 4 (yeah, 4!) sessions of T this past week were from a very deep place (and young). Even though you're struggling with praise these days, remember that He will not forget you. I believe that, despite my feeling disconnected too.

  5. JBR, Hi! I've been told--for many years--that God will hear, above all the din and shouts and clashes of war, He will hear even the faintest cry for help from one of the "hurting" souls. One of the "least of these, my brethren...

    And yours sounds like a soul crying out, from a beginning morning whimper. God is certainly listening!

    How is it you have "left over" so much love and support, that you can share it with the many who ask? Already I know that is god working through you! Why is it you do not know this?

    You will feel better soon!

  6. Good for you for getting out and walking! I know how hard it can be.

  7. Be kind to yourself. You were able to get out for a walk which is accomplishing more than I've done this week-end.

  8. I agree ...be kind to yourself...you're grieving. Allow yourself to feel all that you need to, it's not a pity party - but rather a time to release all that pent up hurt, disappointment and maybe even misdirected shame. You need to know if you've been carrying it, so feel it...and then you can move on from it.

  9. I'm hanging by a thread tonight...and I just happened upon your post. You may say that God directed me here, but for many reasons of my own, I don't believe that right now.
    But your post touched me. Because I, too, have such a difficult time on the weekends....nights in general, but esp the weekends.
    And because I read your post, I guess, in some strange way - I feel not so alone tonight.
    thank you for that - Grace

  10. Hi again

    Yeah I know how it feels - the weekends - not enough to distract me on weekends. I collapsed this weekend - didn't go to church even.

    I pleaded and pleaded with God. I didn't praise him. I'm Ok when I have something to focus on but when I'm on my own I feel awful.

    Thank you so much for the encouraging words you have left on my blog. May God bless you that, even when you feel awful yourself, you are able to be an encouragement to others.

    God Bless


  11. Holy Moly Batman!

    I certainly did not expect such a response from this post.

    Ambersun-Thank you again for sharing. I know you continue to struggle, and with the uncertainty of your cat, I know it is difficult for you. Thank you too for your encouraging words.
    Saving Grace-Thank you so much for posting! I am glad that this particular post touched your heart. I am so very sorry for the pain you are experiencing. I have since left you a further post on your blog. Please check it out.
    Me-Appreciate your visit, kind, truthful and encouraging words.
    AD- You are right. We are our worst enemy when it comes to beating ourselves up! Thank you.
    Penelope-Thank you for your rah rah spirit!!
    Stevie-I do not know, but by the Grace of God to go an be an encouragement to others, regardless how crappy I am feeling. How is it I do not know this you ask, I probably do, I will just NOT admit it!
    Lisa, thanks for the email also. So sorry have not kept in touch, just not been up to it.
    Ana-Yes, walking is my way of trying to clear my thoughts and I find easier to talk to my God.
    T.Anne-Thank you for the timely scripture verse.

  12. The weekend has passed and a new week begins. It is my hope that you are feeling better today.

  13. Liza, thank you. God's mercies are new every morning.

  14. buffalopineApril 06, 2009

    I love your blog. I can totally relate to what you write about. Thankyou for sharing your thoughts. It helps alot.

  15. Hi there,

    Thank you for stopping by my blog :) I hope the walk made you feel some what better. I see you have a lot of healing to do due to your pasts, I understand as I too was a victim of abuse. I hope this blog helps you get some of it off your chest. Take care :)

  16. I am touched by your honesty. I had a year where I was "lost," very depressed. In hindsight, I should have been on meds to keep me safe, but God was with me, and in my absolute heartbreak, He held me tight and never let me go.
    He dosen't want to le go.
    You are being held, you always will be.

    Hugs sister! In Jesus name.
    Siesta OC

  17. Siesta, thank you for your comment. I am sorry that you were struggling with depression, but glad God saw and keeps seeing you through!
    Tabby, appreciate your visit and encouragement, thank you!
    Buffalopine, Thank you for stopping by, much appreciated!

  18. I have had these days too. For a couple of months last year I could only say the simplist of prayers. "God please help me." and "Thank you." It was enough and it worked.

  19. It has been a few years since I have been where you are but I do remember. Thanks for visiting my blog over the weekend.

    One of the best things that I ever did for myself that made me feel better was to write a gratitude list of five things about my life that I was grateful for each day. If you can only come up with one or two things that is ok. Focus on gratitude for awhile and you will slowly begin to live again.

    That said, feel all that you need to feel. For many years, I stuffed my feelings deep inside my body and still hurt and just didn't acknowledge it to myself or anyone else. I thought I was handling it all. I wasn't. I also wasn't being me. I was so disconnected from who I was. I didn't have an opinion about anything because if I did I might offend someone. Today, I don't set out to offend anyone but if being myself offends you, that is your problem, not mine. Today I am outspoken about who I am. My body and mind don't hurt as much because I am not stuffing emotions.

    Being real is the best thing that you can do for yourself and the world. We are all examples for those who come after us. Writing about what I feel has always helped me.

  20. I totally understand the praise part. I am not sure why I have a hard time lifting my arms and just praising God. I think that is why the video of the young man walking down the streets of New York listening to David Crowder band, intriges me. How does one just praise, and why is it so difficult. I know that I love him with all my heart, but I hold myself back. You are not the only one sister that needs help in that department. I will pray for you if you pray for me? God bless you and remember this is only a season. Love Tanya

  21. As hard as it is to force myself to do it sometimes, walking--especially out in nature--is always so healing for me. I also feel like I can really commune with God and that all is right in His/my world that way.

    Good for you for getting out.

  22. Hey!

    I want to thank everyone of you who responded to this post! Amazing. I appreciate your concern very much and thank you!

    I was able to get through Monday. Had a few hiccups, but that was expected.

    Through your prayers and me sincerely praying as I arrived at work to at least give me a peace in my soul today in order to get through and lift this oppression/depression as the stronghold was unbelievably heavy and I was really concerned.... He did. I thanked Him for that, as right-a-way I did feel physiologically better!!

  23. stuck-in-the-middleApril 06, 2009

    It was good that you were able to get out and clear your head.