"Yet a time is coming
and has now come when the true worshipers will worship
the Father in spirit and truth, for they are the
kind of worshipers the Father seeks." - John 4:23

My Heavenly Daddy is healing
me from the inside out.

Transparency is Real.
Many times painful.

Daddy let me be secure in You only!

Wednesday, April 22, 2009


And it is not the movie!

Okay fellow-bloggers, this is going to be a "bad day/moment" post for me.
But that is okay!
This HAS GOT TO HAPPEN for me to eventually get well!

I am in preparation for a couple of close family members arriving tomorrow, Thursday, to spend four days with me. Have not seen them in over a year. Longer than normal. Still, not that this visit is unusual in the least, (as I have always welcomed them into my home) but unusual for this will be the first time they will be staying with me while I am going through my journey. Again, not that unusual, except one of the family members is part of my journey.’ Even though I cannot really connect my head to my heart with what happened to me in the past with this family member as of yet, I feel this visit may be different still. Different as my thinking has changed these past few months, where now I am questioning things and becoming more confident in setting boundaries in areas that were once hidden. So, I will be curious myself how I respond, even ever so slightly while they are here. I am a tad, no, I am more than a tad scared. This is all new territory for me!!!

Just finished confirming with my family members their arrival tomorrow and the plan also is for them to come to church with me Sunday and meet up with another of my family member who is also a "major part of my journey" before they head back home!! To my surprise and shock, they are all excited about this!!! I can't say that I am!!! I seriously thought this would NOT happen and there would be no need for me to worry!!! Dang was I Wrong!! Still, don't get me wrong, I would love for them to hear and accept the message of the Gospel, but I am just overwhelmed at this point to begin with to have them visit me during my journey-land!!!!!! The hardest things here for me to admit is that I know God is in this plan not only just for my strengthening, but for the others involved in whatever He has planned for them! I JUST DON'T WANT TO GO THROUGH THIS..... PERIOD!! Running away is no option. I feel too much is being put on me at once. Then in Scripture God says He will not give us more than we can handle. So, I guess I can handle this with Him!

I still have a few days until Sunday to calm down (even while they are here), reason this out and process. The correct choice is to trust in the Lord, go to His Word, Believe What It Written and APPLY. Right now, I ain't trusting, but panicing. But, I am hoping to trust very sooooooooooon!!!!!! There is No Other Way!

Thursday night I still plan on going to group, and told my visitors they are on their own until Friday. Naturally, I could skip out because of company, but I will choose not to. I do need the support of others, especially at this time. Which brings me to ask for continued prayers for not only God’s protection (against Satan’s attack) and being open to His leading and revealing anything that I need to see, learn and process during this time. But, for me to get a freaking grip on myself for this Sunday's gathering which is already making me crazy with my stinking thinking and the paralyzing fear of the unknown! I need to be in control!!!! And it is being stripped away from me!!! And what irks me more is that I am the only one going through the "letting-go withdrawals" and having a hard time with it presently, where everyone else is in their own happy place and oblivious.

Ugh, I just hate this!!!!


  1. I will be saying a prayer for you that this will not only be a time of healing, but of saftey. I will pray that this time will be one of peace and happiness. Hugs. Thank you for sharing.

  2. My prayers are with you JBR. I hope the visit goes well.

  3. And my prayers are heading your way also.

    Remember that if you keep your expectations reasonable you will have a better chance of experiencing serenity.

    God bless,
    Prayer Girl

  4. Hey you, I am sorry I have not been here in a while. But I am glad that I came tonight. I will pray for you extra this weekend. Also, pray for the whole armour of God and don it on, also pray for extra padding for your helmet and extra sheild for your heart. This works, trust me. And you are right, just trust in the Lord, even if you do not want to. He has your back and He will fight for you. You are such an awesome gal and all will go according to His plan. Love ya and God bless, from Tanya

  5. You will be amazed before you are half through.....

  6. I think this is a gift to you. If I am hearing you correctly, one of these family members may be one of your abusers?...is that right? It will be tough, scary, and I will be thinking of you! I am also having out of town company beginning tomorrow. She is a cousin, and we grew up together. She is one of the people I have told about my "condition"...but she totally does not get DID. So am preparing myself for questions and looks of doubt.
    Hold on sweetie, you can make it!
    Hugs to you....

  7. You'll get through this difficult time, JBR, and will be stronger and wiser at the end. Love and prayers to you, friend xx

  8. Goodness - I had a difficult time over the holidays with my family too (couldn't blog about it as I have my real name on my blog).

    My prayers will definately be with you. Also if you can 'escape' at regular intervals, even just reading or watching TV is an escape if you like.

    God Bless


  9. This is my first visit to your blog, thanks to Mike G. My prayers are lifted for you! I'll be back to read you again soon!

  10. Keep you in my thoughts. I am sure it will be a challenge and I would panic too. Generally I reach a point where I say it hardly can be worse than before I started my journey a 1 year ago. Will come back and check on you. Big hug xx

  11. this sounds tough, but take it day by day, minute by minute if need be, and don't forget to breathe! hugs

  12. Hi,

    Try to relax do not sweat the small things, (getting yourself worked up over their visit). Take it day by day, you may be happily surprised and gain some healing this weekend. If I am wrong and is not good then try to look on the bright side it is only 4 days. I will be praying for you:)

  13. Thank you for being Real again. I've never heard those feelings expressd