"Yet a time is coming
and has now come when the true worshipers will worship
the Father in spirit and truth, for they are the
kind of worshipers the Father seeks." - John 4:23

My Heavenly Daddy is healing
me from the inside out.

Transparency is Real.
Many times painful.

Daddy let me be secure in You only!

Thursday, May 14, 2009

DRIVING ME MAD!


All day Thursday I felt I was in a daze. A lot of this is due to the extreme emotional pain I am going through!!!!!

I felt I was neither here nor there. Not really ‘checked out’ or ‘disassociating’ just a sensation I get when I am not running on all cylinders. I go through the motions, and see myself get from point A to point B but behind a cloudy perception.

Then I end up having group later on Thursday evening and we are just now talking about “Anger and How to Cope With It.” Yippee!!! Something I can relate to at present! So, my cylinders got a quick cleaning in order to take in as best I could my already overloaded brain what was being discussed. The next few weeks we plan on expounding on this topic and going even deeper.

Currently, my safest place to let out my anger is in my car while driving. Safest is probably not the right word to use here, but you know what I mean. My vehicle is where I am triggered the most. Anyway, I feel in control. I can yell, scream, curse, and use hand gestures all I want just to vent. Not proud of this, but this is where I am now! There are two options for driving home when I leave group late at night and that is to take the “fast route” home or the “fastest route” home. Yes you heard me right. Mostly, I have been taking the “fast route” home, which consists of more traffic lights, which means having to stop (God forbid) and also deal with slower people than I on the road. Talk about anger rising inside me when I am being blocked or someone going too slow for me. Keeping in mind, this anger I experience has 'nothing' to do with what is going on in the outside world for me, but in the inside. Thus, why I am in t. Anyway.....or on occasion I have taken the “fastest route” home, which is an interstate where we all are literally crazy drivers going way too fast to get to our destination hopefully in one piece five minutes earlier. Big whoop. (no wonder I love riding Rollercoasters) My point here is that I cope much better stress/anger wise taking the “fastest route” home. Naturally, as we all are pretty much going on a law breaking steady stream of speed, non-stop. I am less stressed upon arriving safely at my destination, if you can believe that, then coming from the ”fast route” which in actuality should be the less stressful of the two. I guess you can say I live on the edge once in awhile. Whole point of this story….and I have no clue how this post totally took off in another direction then what I wanted it to go initially…….. oh well…….I did want to talk about anger, so I guess I did do that. The whole point of this post is the anger I display mainly in my car, or alone, or at times in public is only secondary to the core of my real issues of shame, unworthiness, rejection, and feeling abandoned, etc. I recognize this now, and am verbally saying the actual words, then saying the word “it” for each.

21 comments:

  1. I live on the edge once in a while, too. Sometimes reading your blog is like reading something I wrote myself. It's good to not be alone.

    ReplyDelete
  2. Broken said what I feel: "Sometimes reading your blog is like reading something I wrote myself."

    It may seem like a snail's pace to you, but you are going forward and that is what counts.

    ReplyDelete
  3. Sometimes I realize (and I'm grateful for the fact) how fortunate I am to be an alcoholic, whose life was one of complete degradation, loneliness, self-hatred, and chaos. Because I now have a program, a way of life, a spiritual sense of great power, to overcome--with help--almost any slice of life which is tossed my way.

    Thank You God, for being my "Director of Life" today!

    ReplyDelete
  4. Hey thought i would swing by and visit your blog. You are a very open and honest person, great attributes to have if you desire healing in your life.. acknowledging your pain is of course the first steps and that is what you have done. You seem to have a lot of the same issues that my husband had before God healed him of a lot of emotional pain. I would always tell him it's not who you think you are but who God thinks you are. It's not where you have been but where you are going. It's not what you are but who you are that really matters. He began to see Himself as God sees Him and thus His healing began. Keep moving forward you are going in the right direction. God bless you on your journey!

    Tamela :)

    ReplyDelete
  5. AnonymousMay 15, 2009

    This entry is so much like me. When I was dealing with family problems and I was able to be alone in my car that is where I would let it all hang out. I don't know why we feel so much comfort within such a small confinement to let go but we do.

    ReplyDelete
  6. the anger expressed in something that has nothing to do with the real source... i know that. i do that. and yeah, well, the car, speeding does release it in such a 'good' way, heeee heeee heee

    ReplyDelete
  7. I guess it is a very natural way to release out our temper - like the volcano eruption. So long as it is not far exceeding the tolerance threshold.

    May I suggest that you shout it out at seaside, which is at very much lower risk of harming any other people.

    God bless,

    ReplyDelete
  8. stuck-in-the-middleMay 15, 2009

    JBR wow what great insight you have. That is why I continue coming back to your blog. Hang in there you are doing great.

    ReplyDelete
  9. Oh my goodness....I can so relate to the anger thing....But the car is probably the LAST place I should display it.
    BTW, were you driving behind me yesterday evening :-)
    ~ Grace

    ReplyDelete
  10. I can understand your anger, JBR but I'm concerned about your expressing it while in your car. I wouldn't want anything to happen to you or anyone else. I think James' suggestion of releasing it at the seaside was a great one. I think you're doing so well, JBR. Keep up the good work.

    ReplyDelete
  11. James and AD-I so agree that I should be having my outburst somewhere else, but unfortunatly at this time I cannot wait and go or be somewhere else to let it off.  When it happens it happens now.  Believe you  me I am quite aware this is NO the greatest place to do my rage.  I ask God every time I enter in my car to protect not only me but others that I encounter and to let me keep my cool to some extent.  I can be a whole lot worse in this area if I chose to be....but I have improved on throwing things inside my car.  Went thourgh two pairs of sunglasses doing that.  Cannot afford that anymore!  But, thank you for your concern.  I know it is a major issue for me now.Grace-Oh was that you???? ;)Broken and Tricia-Thanks you both for your comments and the similiarities.
    Shadow-Thanks for your comment and I see you too deal a bit with this issue in the car.

    Tamela-Thank you for the visit and sharing encouraging things about your husbands struggles.


    Stevie and Stuck -Thanks again for your visits and encouragment.

    I feel I am all over the place today....not a good day again emotionalwise. But, in time.....

    ReplyDelete
  12. Thanks for stopping by my blog. I always love meeting someone new and seeing who I will come across.

    I can partly sympathies with you background as my parents were divorced when I was in elementary school and I believe alcohol was a major part of the problem. Having any kind of brokenness in your life is a difficult mountain to overcome but with the help of God all things are possible.

    Stop by anytime, my post will be a bit infrequent over the next few weeks as the DD is heading for some major surgery but I will be back.

    Blessings
    Robin

    ReplyDelete
  13. I personally think that the reason you can express you anger in your car is because it is safe for you. You dont personally know the people and you can drive off if they show anger back. As much as the seaside would be nice to express your anger it is not the anger you need but the power of not being a victim. I do get you with that. I also understand the power of the brain fog as I did that when I was in a marriage that I was not happy in. It was my way of protecting myself from any further hurt. I showed or felt no emotion because I was scared if I did then it would be extreme. I have no solution for your anger problem but perhaps understanding why might help a little.

    ReplyDelete
  14. Robin and Kiwispirt - Appreciate both your visits and sharing a bit of your own struggles. Thank you.

    ReplyDelete
  15. I agree with Shadow - so much of what I blow up about is not really about the straw that broke the camels back -- but more about the baggage prior to the straw!

    And the car is a safe place to let out steam...

    ReplyDelete
  16. Sometimes we just need that moment being alone to vent out and it just happened to be your car. I pray God will help you overcome the emotional pain that had caused that anger in the first place.
    I, too, almost got a ticket a while back because I got angry with the car in front of me going too slow for me, that I overtook so close and the car behind me started flashing his lights and spot lights! Thank God, I didn't get a ticket! God bless.

    ReplyDelete
  17. Cat-Nice to see you here. Thank you for sharing your comment!

    Rcube-Welcome back. Appreciate your prayers, thank you. Yup, you were fortunate not to be ticketed. :)

    ReplyDelete
  18. When I first became a Christian in 2001 I became so angry with my parents and other abusers that I could hardly do anything without it surfacing.

    Anyway - that lasted a year or so.

    Please believe me - it will get better!

    Still praying for you!

    Amber

    ReplyDelete
  19. Amber, so apperciate your encouragment and I know there is definitly a great reward in the end.

    ReplyDelete
  20. I think that's great that you can be so honest with yourself and with others ~ Allison

    ReplyDelete
  21. Hi there,

    I can totally relate to this. People always drive me mental the way they drive. I do try to be a courteous driver but I am usually shaking my head at the stupid things people do while driving. I am glad you can vent while you drive home, please just be careful when driving (sorry it's the insurance agent in me showing)
    Hugs

    ReplyDelete