"Yet a time is coming
and has now come when the true worshipers will worship
the Father in spirit and truth, for they are the
kind of worshipers the Father seeks." - John 4:23

My Heavenly Daddy is healing
me from the inside out.

Transparency is Real.
Many times painful.

Daddy let me be secure in You only!

Wednesday, May 13, 2009

I HURT Pt. 2

Have been experiencing more of my "bad days" now. All in the journey. Not enjoying every minute of it, but going through the painful process as part of the healing! Thank you all who have come along side of me! Part of the pain is just “trying to be in the moment.” My moment. Noone elses, but mine! One of my biggest struggles. Not forcing anything, just letting life happen around me and taking the realization in. Don’t know? It is by the Grace of God that I can go to work daily, function somewhat normally and still have such turmoil raging inside me. Hate to sound like a broken record, but anger/rage continues to get the better of me still. I try and head it off at the pass before I explode, but it comes so quickly that a lot of the time it is just too late. I know my rage is taxing on my body and that is not good. Frustrating! Then the next minute I can have a quick burst of tears that only God “really” knows why I am crying. Nah…..I too know why I am crying. I feel guilt/shame for even allowing myself to have emotions that I will not even give myself the benefit of the doubt that I hurt!

Nevertheless, my heart yearns for the closeness of my Lord. Praise music has once again entered my life (God honored this) and I am trying to let the words soak into my heart for now as part of my medicine!


  1. You are not alone. I know exactly what it is to not give yourself the benefit of the doubt that your pain is real. But it is, and God knows. And He's taking care of you, even in the hurt, when it feels he's a million miles away, He's right there, where you need him.

  2. Wish I knew the right consoling words (((JBR)))

  3. Just take it in and try and live in the present and see what there is to offer. I'm sorry you have to go through the pain to get where you want to go. That's life. Not to sound mean but it is.

  4. You need an escape. I understand what you feel and know how draining it is and how energy sapping all of this negativity can be, so you need an escape. Something or someone who can make you laugh, or at least smile once a day.
    Hope that God can shine the light on the way to this reprieve. Dealing is only part of the healing, making sure that it does not drown you is just as important.

  5. I have learned several things that may be helpful. One is that when I have anger or any other extremely intense emotion, I better not stuff it. At the same time, I don't want it to come out inappropriately.

    When I have this type of feeling, it is like a pressure cooker where no steam is escaping. I must open the valve and let steam out gradually. I can't keep it closed nor do I want to let the lid blow off.

    It is also amazing how long it can take for certain things to be released. Don't beat the living c--p out of yourself. Just give yourself permission to deal with it in whatever length of time it takes.

    When newly sober I did all I was told in AA I needed to do AND I saw a counselor every week for a long time. Today, I call my sponsor, go to more meetings, write letters that will never be delivered (I tear them up after writing them) or I just journal. Or I could blog it. Bottom line, let it out in a way that won't harm you or others.

    Love you and prayers,

  6. I'm not well either so can't offer any advice. Will continue my prayers for you and hope you can do the same for me.

    God Bless


  7. i felt myself in a space yesterday, where i knew i was doing things because i usually do them, not because they brought any pleasure, not that they didn't, but i did them 'cause i usually do. and realised immediately that i was not in the moment. not looking for the good, for the fun, but just being. these things used to provide pleasure, now they've become hum-drum. and all because my mind was in the wrong place. don't take me wrong, i'm not suggesting you are, just something the popped into my head as i was reading your post. thank you for reminding me of that thought. i need to change that, work on that, today, now... love you lots, hang in there!

  8. stuck-in-the-middleMay 14, 2009

    JBR you are strong and very courageous. Fine qualaties. Hold on to those facts. Hang in there.

  9. Thanks for coming my way. I love your REAL blog, your sign posts, your welcome pictures! I appreciate your honesty in this blog and post.
    We all struggle. Thanks for your courage to open up. Love and prayers, Laurie

  10. I wish you more & more strength to overcome, and ask that God show Himself in your life in a powerful way. Hang in there because your trials can become testimonies, and your courage will transform the lives of your readers too. God's love always - LJ

  11. Comforting words - I wish I knew which ones would be best for you - please know that you are in my thoughts... be kind to yourself.

  12. Praying for you dear. Coming along aside you in prayer and asking God to lift the heaviness.
    God is Faithful!
    Blessings, GG

  13. When I turned 38 I sufferend PTSD in the worse way, it was almost my undoing, and ending for me. Finally I realized I couldn't stem the flow of the memories, I could however choose what kind of effect they would have on me. Some days are better than others. Now it's easier, I recognize the signs when it's time to disappear in the pain and let it flow. You can't fight those things. However I'm a testament to the fact you do come out the other side of the tunnel. (Hugs)Indigo

  14. Yeah, I'm' in therapy. I hadn't mentioned it before, actually. Thank you for being there. Thank you.

  15. Just Be Real, I have read your Part 1 and Part 2. I know it is a hard struggle for you now, but in the end it will be totally worth it. You'll see. I am here to encourage you to stay on your journey no matter how bad it gets. You are doing a great job.

  16. Passing through once again. I am sorry to read how difficult life is for you. Look towards the horizon and find you peace there.

  17. while i was reading, i remember bees. yes bees. Coz when they sting, they die afterwards. it's like suicidal. a bee (in the Bee movie) said I should control my anger then or else it will kill me. same thing with our lives. let's control it (fruit of the Holy Spirit) as it will surely kill us (not literally) but separate us from our fellowship with God.

  18. Having just recently gone through a pretty low case of the blues I can say, I know you are not in this alone.

    Hope you are feeling better.