"Yet a time is coming
and has now come when the true worshipers will worship
the Father in spirit and truth, for they are the
kind of worshipers the Father seeks." - John 4:23

My Heavenly Daddy is healing
me from the inside out.

Transparency is Real.
Many times painful.

Daddy let me be secure in You only!

Tuesday, June 16, 2009


My belief system needs to be changed to:

Believing that I can say what I feel. Believing that I am capable to love, be compassionate, be caring, have empathy, and the big one that I seem to be struggling with lately, is that I need to believe that I am part of the human race that I have purpose, I do exist for a reason and that "I just am!"

My journey of being able to get in touch with what I am feeling is easier said than done. I am a 'work in progress.' Many a time I find 'my' true emotions continue to be a tremendous struggle for me in accepting and expressing them. It is like I have a "safety" valve inside that just automatically shuts down as a precaution when things get too hot. Hot in the sense scary.....fearful......terrified....boo!


I am comfortable with the way I have been......but at the same time I am not anymore! Was constantly sheltered. Was constantly having "fear" put in me by domineering parents who themselves were fearful to begin with. Was sexually violated as a child and not only lost the trust element but paralyzing fear over-powered me later on with trying to have relationships.

There is a world out there with responsibilities that I was never allowed to experience. Something that had been taken away from me as a child into adulthood which I succumbed to. After all if someone else did it for me, why not have the easy way out? At one point I just gave up and accepted the bondage. Established my many barriers and walls of protection. What was once "the real me" disappeared. Slowly but surely I am beginning to see what "the real me" was like and I want her back!!!

Now I find myself fighting for the very thing that I was happy to give up, my freedom!


  1. That's real progress JBR, you should be so proud of yourself!

  2. Amen, you keep fighting sweetie.

  3. Denise and AD, thank you for your comments!!

  4. I love your writing. You sound so much like me. I wish you didn't. I wish you never knew the shame, the pain, the fears. I wish whatever happened to you never did. Thank you for being real. Sarah

  5. Sarah thank you for your heartfelt comment. Touched me. Thanks!

  6. A sweet butterfly is struggling for freedom and when she flies it is going to be a wonderful, beautiful and inspiring sight. Softly settling here and there seeing the world with new eyes and an open heart. God lead you and keep you!

    (I think you're inspiring a song in me right now ~starting with the above.) Hugs!!!

  7. Well, are not you the sweet one HH! Appreciate your discernment and kindness. (((HH)))

  8. As a survivor of an abusive marriage I understand the journey back to the "real you" . WHat I found when I eventually made it back to the point in my road where life went wrong, was that I no longer recognized the "real me"...I had been so reshaped that I no longer fit the framed image. But it was OK because i was actually a better "real me". There were beautiful jewels embedded in the painful grey. You are doing exactly the right thing...being real! There is no other way to go on....

  9. Dear JBR,

    Please remember that patience, prayer, and persistence will pay off in peace and serenity. (I love that letter "P".)

    It may take a lifetime, but what better use could our lives be put to than to come to know and love ourselves as God knows and loves us.

    Keep on keeping on,
    Prayers your way,

  10. JBR you continue to reflect on your struggles and show us what we to can become, which is real.

  11. For so many years I could tell you in a heartbeat what I think but would draw a blank if you'd asked me what I felt. Feelings? They were so buried I had no relationship with them. Boy, I was numb.

    And I'm not anymore. And if it's possible for me, it's possible for you. There is a tiny replica of an icon on my wall that says, "Take courage. God has healing in store for you." I came across that icon in a very low spot on my journey when I doubted healing would ever be mine. It is. And it will be yours, too.

    Grace and peace to you tonight.

  12. Thanks for dropping by my blog and commenting. How do I stop my cat from jumping on the counter? He doesn't mind the spray bottle & usually our hands have food on them so it's hard to pick him up & move him. Sometimes I push him & tell him "No". Nothing has worked yet.

    We have some things in common. I was molested as a child and date raped at "sweet 16" as he put it. I didn't know what it was called back then and didn't know I could tell anyone about these things until I was about 23 & married. What a rough several years I've had.

    My strength and answers are always found in the Lord. Humans can only help us so much.

    Blogging is a good way to get it out & speak your feelings. You may be helping others in the process.
    Hang in there.
    more later,

  13. And don't you get tired fighting for that - "freedom"...You always inspire me with your courage to move on! God bless you sister!

  14. Being real. Ya know, it should just not be as hard as it IS...but it is. Stay with us, girl.

  15. I am totally a work in progress also. You are not alone! Your words are honest and inspiring.

  16. JBR, I have something important to share with you at my blog, please go there and read up "Clearing The Clutter". You're a child of God and change is in progress, positive changes. I have a good book to share with you from my post. Also, there is yet another book relevant to you too, Purpose Driven Life by pastor Rick Warren. Be blessed, my sister-in-Christ. :)

  17. Jane, thank you so much for your concern and inspiring comment. Blessings.

    Robin, appreciate your honesty and comment. Blessings.

    Stevie, am not going anywhere, unless the Lord calls me home some time soon! :)

    RCUBEs, thank you for your thoughtfulness and very kind words! Blessings.

    Mocha Momma, thanks for the visit. Extremely sorry for your past abuse!! So very sorry the pain you endured! Glad you have found your strength in the Lord through this difficulty. Thanks so much for being honest and sharing.

    Really do not have a solution to your cat problem, sorry. Blessings.

    What an encouraging comment Hope. Appreciate not only your visit but sharing with me how God helped you through your most difficult time. Blessings dear one.

    Strawberry, you continued support helps me along my journey, thank you!

    Prayer Girl, always appreciate you and your encouraging words. Lifetime sound just like that, a life time. But, when you compare it to eternity spending it in the everlasting arms of our Lord, lifetime will be short! Blessings.

    "There were beautiful jewels embedded in the painful grey." Very sweet twofinches. Being the real me is what I am going after. Thank you. Blessings.

  18. I came for another visit. Keep up your progress and you will arrive at your destination.


  19. David, thank you for your return and comment. Blessings.

  20. stuck-in-the-middleJune 17, 2009

    Hang in there JBR! Youre doing great. I say that all the time but I mean it!

  21. Continue setting your goals for healing. Life will continue to hand you challenges, but the more you become stronger the better you'll be able to handle them.

  22. you are so brave. breaking out the comfort zone can be the hardest thing to do.... and you're doing it!

  23. Yes, sweet one...we are a work in progress. GOD does have great purpose for your life. He has a far greater purpose for you than you are able to grasp at this moment. Know that we see it in you. GOD has and will continue to use you in powerful ways.
    I am praying for you as you continue your journey of healing...blessings, andrea

  24. Be kind to yourself my sweet friend. Be kind to yourself. You are an inspiration. (((JBR)))

  25. I cant wait for you to get the real you back too! I feel anger for you when I think about what happened to you in your child hood. Keep on working this out I know you can do it and be You again! Hugs

  26. JBR, once again I can relate so much. I know that over the last 5 yeras I have lost some of ME again. I have to pick up to change my belief system again. or maybe I thought I had changed more but I didnt advance as much as I thought. However I feel I can not really and 100% concentrated on those changes, not as long as I have to fight for the basics such like a job. You keep my on my toes. Thanks for being YOU. Hugs across the pond

  27. Paula dear, I know that you have struggled and I appreciate your comments. I know you are overwhelmed with not having a job, and I do not know how bad the economy is over in Germany, but I do pray that you will be able to find a job very very soon! ((((Paula))))

    Tabs, you are such an encouragement, and I appreciate your comments very much. (((Tabs)))

    Michele, one of my weaknesses, I beat up on myself too much. Appreciate the reminder to be gentle with myself, thank you! (((Michele)))

    Andrea, hanging on that truth that God does have something awesome and wonderful for me! Appreciate you! (((Andrea)))

    Shadow, only by God's grace that I can bravely face my past! ((((Shadow))))

    Janet, always enjoy reading your encouraging comments, thank you. ((((Janet))))

    Stuck-Well, what can I say, thank you as always. (((stuck)))

  28. Remmber Matthew 28:20 that Jesus is always with us no matter what.

  29. For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord....plans to give you hope and a future.....You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart. Jeremiah 29:11-13

    One of my favorites

  30. This post amazes me. I came home from my session last night thinking I must be the only one who feels this way, having tried to tackle things that you have described above. I read it again this morning and can't believe someone else wrote it. It could have been me.

  31. Lisa, sorry you can relate, but glad you could gain something from the post. Blessings.

    DeeDee, thank you for your visit and scripture verse, which is my fav also. Blessings.

    Ron, appreciate your visit and enouragement

  32. I could have written this post, and read it just after posting my own in the same veign...what happened to me? Where did I go and was I even EVER allowed to be me? Now it seems too late and I struggle with that and have fist raised coversations with God. I tried to "do it by the book" but it was often just obedience and I shoved me so far away, I never knew her.