"Yet a time is coming
and has now come when the true worshipers will worship
the Father in spirit and truth, for they are the
kind of worshipers the Father seeks." - John 4:23

My Heavenly Daddy is healing
me from the inside out.

Transparency is Real.
Many times painful.

Daddy let me be secure in You only!

Thursday, June 25, 2009


***My emotions are writing this entry***

Two days ago I can have such a positive post about “Busting Out,” when now I am so very angry, agitated, ready to throw in the towel, bitchy, feel a failure, feel guilty just because of all that I listed just now, knowing I should not feel guilty because I have nothing to be guilty about and I should think positive and what - not and yada yada yada!

Okay, so ‘what triggered all this crap’ you say? Every day stuff that just piled on top of one another and my stinking thinking. Feeling weak in mind, burnt out and then perceiving things, i.e. rejection that were not true. Knowing all this, still I stumbled and fell into this mind pattern which set the stage for me through out the day for, I hate to use the word, 'failure!' And for some stupid reason I am feeling powerless, defenseless, weak and defeated and not able to pick myself up from this episode. I feel very vulnerable today sometimes questioning is it all worth it, knowing that it is worth it and I have a God to help see me through..... but still....

I am looking within to see what set me off. Yeah, yeah, I know I am human, I should be gentle with myself, and at the same time I do not want to play the victim here or have a pity party.

I hope you can make some sense out of what I just written, as I am just typing what I think I am feeling and experiencing. I will end now, as I am tired, angry and want to go to bed and start over afresh tomorrow. Sorry for the rant. But, hey, if you want the real me, here is some of me that is real.


  1. What you have said makes perfect sense. Satan does NOT like it that you are making tremendous progress. GOD is the ultimate healer and I know you already know that!
    Today, is only a bump in the road sweet friend. Hang your head out the window and scream really loud...take a deep breath and start anew. GOD listens to screams....sometimes we must "groan" and "groan loudly"....there are not words.
    Be confident HE hears your screams and frustrations.
    Much love and prayers, andrea

  2. AnonymousJune 25, 2009

    I understand exactly where you're coming from, JBR. It's called normal human emotions. Try to remember that feelings aren't fact. Then remember that there are people like me who have btdt and still continue to do and feel what you've described. Be grateful that you aren't alone. You never have to be alone. I'll keep you in my prayers and I'm here anytime you need a shoulder. {{{hugs}}}

  3. JBR sorry that your going through a rough patch now. I know it can be difficult and I’m not going to sweeten the ordeal by saying I understand, as I really can’t. I don’t know exactly what your feeling, but I do want you to know I’m here listening.

  4. Aww, those low spots can sure be a pain; especially when you were in a positive mood recently. Such a change can be jolting, but don't give up! Every time you feel positive, even if you feel crappy afterwards, is a step forward. Also, realizing that you should be thinking positive and being able to analyze bad feelings when feeling them is an important sign of progress. I'm so proud of you! *hugs*

  5. Once I was told that when I feel or think positively, I must remember those moments, store them, so that I may recall them within a split second--when I need again that reinforcement.

  6. AnonymousJune 26, 2009

    Oh wow. This could easily be my post. Someone told me once to never be sorry for expressing true emotions. This whole healing thing is such a mess and one long roller coaster ride. I hope tomorrow will be brighter for you.

  7. Is there something in the air, or what??
    I have been on a rollercoaster for the last three days (thus the three new posts in the last 24 hours). One minute i'm having a manic epiphony, the next I am crying like a baby. I have no idea what's going on.

    I hope you feel better in the light of a new day.

  8. gotta agree with jen. I've noticed this pattern in the posts of the last few days. Time for a slow quiet walk and simple pleasures to bring some balance and perspective. Take care~rick

  9. it's up and down. that's life. and sometimes there is a trigger to find. sometimes not... rant away. it's healthy to get it out.

  10. Rollercoaster are nice when you are child and ride it for the frist time at a fair. Anything else is just such a painful chaotic up and down. But what a feeling afterwards when through. Tons of hugs, thinking of you.

  11. stuck-in-the-middleJune 26, 2009

    Hang on JBR. We're all human.

  12. I've learned a long time ago: Don't try to attach a meaning for, or a blame to someone for what is going on with me. Life is what it is sometimes, plain and simple. No rhyme or reason, just a darn pothole in the road. Go with the flo because while you're distracted looking for a reason, whatever is getting you down, will over take you.

    This sounds harsh, I know, but most of the time, it works for me and sometimes someone has to remind me of it. I truly hope you feel better today and know that I care, too.

  13. I am checking back in this morning...I am storming the heavens on your behalf. Hang in there!!

  14. This could also be my post. The last few days a perceived rejection is weighing on me, yet I can't seem to talk about it with them. It is such an overwhelming feeling of being dependent on someone else to make me feel validated, and I hate it. You hit the nail on the head, powerless, weak, defeated.
    I needed to hear I'm not the only one, thanks for being real.

  15. When I get to the place of great sadness and failure, as I often do, I listen to the following songs. They acknowledge the pain but also have that element of hope, that it won't always be this way. I have a really good cry, get to the place of EMPTY and let the re-filling begin. Maybe they will minister to you.

    "Broken" - Lifehouse
    "Storm" - Lifehouse
    "What I Cannot Change" LeAnn Rimes
    "Small Enough" - Nicole Nordman

  16. No need to panic dear, perfectly normal to have your ups and downs. When you feel so strong, you can then be thrown a left curve that would feel like you lost everything you had to begin with. You didn't. You are doing fine. Hang in there.

  17. Forgot this song by Matt Wertz. Title is the first line:

    "I will not take my love away
    When praises cease and seasons change
    while the whole world turns the other way
    I will not take my love away
    I will not leave you all alone
    When striving leads you far from home
    And there's no yield for what you've sown
    I will not leave you all alone
    I will give you what you need
    In plenty or in poverty
    Forever, always, look to me
    And I will give you what you need
    I will not take my love away"

  18. Really is an onion, like Shrek said...
    Life piles on all the stuff. I get angry when I want to peel the stuff off and find my self again. It is still there.
    Have faith that it is there, and turn the layers over to God. Let it fall...

  19. I'll repeat to you what you told me on my blog one time when I apologized for ranting - RANT AWAY! Get it out. That is the only way to start dealing with it.

  20. I agree with everyone here. Keep hanging on this will pass.

  21. I'm amazed at how real you are in this post. Just be reminded by God's Word. In your anger do not sin. And ASk God to search through you to tell you know if there's anything that's not glorifying him. you can then ask forgiveness.

    God Bless you!

  22. Hey sweetie! Sorry I haven't been in touch at all in a while! We've been camping nights (state park is only 12 miles away) when it hasn't rained. Unfortunately, that has been only 7 nights out of the 13 nights we had the campsite (tonight is the last night.)

    Anyhow, I know you'll just love hearing this: You sound like you're right where you're supposed to be. *gentle grin*

    Hang in there, my friend. You will ride this out.

  23. It's an old story and perhaps you heard it before. One soul was crossing the desert and (if I remember well) saw two lines of footprints side by side. Her angel was walking with her.
    One day of desperation and fear, she started seeing only one line of footsteps and asked "Why now, in the worse of my life, do you abandon me?" The angel answered: "Who told you that I abandoned you? I didn't abandon you! In the worse times of your life, I carried you on my lap." I hope this can bring you some hope and relief.
    By your side...

  24. JBR, thank you for always being "REAL!!" Whether we understand you or not will not matter because we all differ in the way we handle our emotions. What's important is that you know yourself better than we do and we'll always be here to listen. God bless.

  25. There is a great book called Taming Your Inner Gremlin. I've been reading it this week--and needing to read it--because some old patterns of thinking/reacting had shown up in me (the gremlin the author is talking about). In a way, it's nice to know I'm not the only one who has days like this. The good thing is that they are far fewer than they used to be and I'm learning to see it as being on a spiral path (rather than going in circles). But days like this still stink and you have my sympathy.

  26. Hang in there JBR. You're human and experiencing normal human emotions. No one can be positive 100% of the time. Don't beat yourself up over it.

  27. You are only human, it will be ok sweetie.

  28. When this happens to me I have to get at what am I thinking that is causing me to feel as I do and what happened that led to my thinking that way.

    I often find it hard to do this on my own and have to speak with either my sponsor or someone else I trust who knows me well.

    God bless you and may these feelings pass.

    Prayer Girl

  29. We must be related. I get that way too and hate it. For me it's stress, change, fear, fear of having no control, or losing control, Who knows but the thing that works to calm me down is running in the woods even in this heat. It beats throwing up, cutting myself or shooting up. And it beats me driving everyone crazy around me. Hang in there. Sarah

  30. I'm praying for you.

  31. Your post has really touched my heart. I think it was of divine purpose that I come to your blog and read not only this post butthe others will your similar struggles as mine. YOur openness is refreshing. It'slike I can almost feel your pain, as my mine is similar. Pray for both of us to find what we need.

    Stephanie G.

  32. I feel your pain. Been there. There is hope.

  33. There is such a tender touching of healing in our Lord! Let him heal you through and through dearly beloved. He longs to.

  34. You have been so supportive to me. Sometimes we just got to scream!

  35. I am so very angry, agitated, ready to throw in the towel, bitchy, feel a failure, feel guilty just because of all that I listed just now, knowing I should not feel guilty because I have nothing to be guilty about and I should think positive and what - not and yada yada yada!

    I feel that way right NOW - all week long...and there's no respite in sight...and I ain't got the energy to *bust out* :-(

  36. You don't have to be ready all the time. You are human and it is OK that you feel angry, agitated, etc. That means you are still revisiting things that are not resolved and figuring out what you need to do to make those steps towards healing. Sounds healthy to me!

  37. AnonymousJune 28, 2009

    Don't feel guilty if you need to take a break. It's A LOT to take in.

  38. Hi,

    Just be real is a good principle and goes well with taking responsibility for ones actions.

    Thanks for following my blog.

  39. I am so glad I found your blog! It is like reading about my own emotions!

    Those days are so confusing. You can be flying high the day before and suddenly you hit the ground (sometimes you don't even know how it happened) and you spend a day (or 3) scraping yourself off the floor...

    By now I've learnt that my low days are coupled to self-worth. We each have our own remedy - whether we choose to follow it or not. Mine is reciting Psalm 139:13-16.

    Thanks for following my blog. I will definitely be following yours!