"Yet a time is coming
and has now come when the true worshipers will worship
the Father in spirit and truth, for they are the
kind of worshipers the Father seeks." - John 4:23

My Heavenly Daddy is healing
me from the inside out.

Transparency is Real.
Many times painful.

Daddy let me be secure in You only!

Friday, July 31, 2009

THROUGH THE PAIN


First off, my thanks go out to God! Through my tears, cursing, praising, etc., He has not let me down. To my faithful blogger friends, a big thank you for your support and encouragement.

These past few days have been pretty rough for me. I really cannot express in words what I have been going through. I am just living the emotional pain, the rage (I have finally understood the term “blind rage,” it is just that, if you have never experienced it before, it affects you senses where in my case it can throw off your vision, breathing, my whole nervous system and judgement....very scary and nothing I wish upon anyone!!!!), the doubting questions, the fatigue, etc. I have been experiencing things new unfolding and watching them happen before me.

Do I want the pain to stop? Of course!! Do I want the rage to go? Of course!!! Do I want the tantrums to cease? Of course! Do I want to feel normal? Of course? Do I want to complete my journey? Of course! Do I ask God to fill me with His love? Of course! Do I ask God to calm my rage inside? Of course! Do I ask God to show me things I need to see? Of course, and He DOES!!

And with all that said, these past few days I have still been nurtured by God, if you can believe that! His Grace is unbelievable! He is faithful regardless how I feel towards Him or my circumstances. He always lives up to His end of the bargain.

Hope this made sense, as I was just coming down from a bit of a 'rage' attack while typing the post. Tell you one thing, I did not know I had this much anger in me. Never ceases to amaze me what can set me off. Trying to get a better handle on this as I know it is deterimental to my health. I would like to complete my journey before I give myself a stroke!

29 comments:

  1. Hmmm I tried to post this once but didn't go through I guess, If it did, delete this one.

    I tell everyone you have to work through the stages of emotions when something has shocked your world and everything you knew and trusted. You can believe in God above and still have human emotions. God didn't create us all to be the same. We are all individuals and we are going to feel things differently. I always allow myself to feel whatever emotion it is that I must get through and I do it on MY time table, not theirs.

    Do what you must to make yourself get through it. Anger is just the start of the journey your taking to find your way to a more calm ending.

    Blessings.
    Tammy

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  2. Wow! Tammy is SO right on. Those emotions are within me--I was gonna write "all of us"--until earthly death

    My old habit was to sleep, thereby my denial was hidden at least part of the time.

    Now, it's as you say "Real"...all that is left to quell the fire of hurtfulness is--well--God! And He can do for me what I cannot do for myself.
    Peace (again)
    GREAT blog!

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  3. I have been where you are and it is hard. Very very hard. While I will never be "cured" of my pain because it is always a part of me, I can tell you that you will move past this stage you are currently in. I know when you are in the situation it feels like the world is going to end and like there is no point in going on, but just believe me when I say that it is worth it, so very worth it.
    (((Hugs)))

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  4. Praying for you darlin as I too had that same rage inside of me and it was many years of sitting with Jesus in tears, many confessions later I can say that now I know when something is triggering me. Through trial and error I found that for me the instant I feel anger toward someone I go straight to confession and confess it. I try to become aware of a nauseated feeling within me all of a sudden, try to focus on what it could be triggering it before I get angry. But this is me and I am sure the journey is different for everyone.
    You are in my prayers!

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  5. Ah we are all like tools being forged by the master's hand into something beautiful and unique, however long the process must take, we know that in the end, the results will be nothing less than perfect!

    Love and Hugs ~ Kat

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  6. Well the good thing is you recognize your rage. You are still connected to God, and you have a bit of humor with "I'd like to complete my journey before I give myself a stroke." Many a truth told in jest, but that statement made me chuckle. Bless you JBR!

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  7. You are in my prayers.

    ((((HUGS))))

    Blessings,

    Tammy

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  8. I can relate to the rages,I really can.The broken furniture the holes that I punched into the wals,the heartache I caused to both my first wife and now Celestine back in the eairly part our my marriage is over,AND IT IS ALL DUE TO THE GRACE OF GOD.

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  9. rage scares us but we are glad its releasing you

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  10. Wow! You have alot going on. May the comfort of Jesus love spread over you to calm you. God Bless.

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  11. I wish I could vent my rage at times, but only seem to withdraw more, my love and prayers go out to you hon...Roan.

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  12. This too shall pass...Trust the process

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  13. I totally understand the rage. The whys. You are strong and have a strong faith. You will make it.

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  14. Rage has been part of of my life also. I have been able to keep it under wraps most of the time, but I can relate. Hope things get better for you.

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  15. I have experienced a similar rage and have not conquered it yet. I admire your courage to face it and deal with it. Take care! *hugs*

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  16. JBR you can be so funny in the midst of your pain. I pray this trial will go quickly for you.

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  17. I love you dear one, you must go through the pain, to ever get over it. Be blessed.

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  18. I'm having a tough time commenting on this post. I've read it more than once and believe me although it has been many years since I've been plagued by such rage I remember it well. It is exhausting I know and sometimes frightening to be so out of control. You will get through this though. {{{JBR}}}

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  19. Kid...a trip of thousand journeys can never get to the final journey before the first 999 are taken. I doubt that god has given your cardio vascular system anything but strength so rage when the storms rage and sail the easy seas when the wind is calm and the sails full.

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  20. I went through a time of great rage about 10 years ago. It was one of my main ways of expressing the emotional pain I was going through. Thankfully I was able to work through this and today I feel much calmer.

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  21. I say take all that emotion and use it to barge your way into heaven. Use your rage to knock and keep on knocking. Don't stop until you have peace.

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  22. I am so sorry for your pain. It is great that you are expressing pain through writing. I am thinking about you :)

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  23. JBR I feel for you I really do. At the same time I know you need to experience all your going through.

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  24. oh honey, you're not going to give yourself a stroke. you're going to give yourself a brand new, peaceful life instead...

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  25. I love the words on the picture. I have to believe that or there are days I would lose it too. Waiting to see it takes energy I don't always have, especially when I know I might never see the reason why things happen.
    I hope your day is better! I'm not sure what happened but God knows and He cares, doesn't He? That's what I am hanging on to too.

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  26. Thank you all once again. I cannot express how much your comments mean to me!

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  27. This kind of rage is the sort I can actually FEEL raising my blood pressure as it pounds through veins and head. And yes, the things that have triggered it those time it comes, God stands right there beside me, even as I pour out the rage at His feet. Our journies, our emotions, well they can be hard to "feel," but the feeling must come fully so that in turn, we let go of it just as fully.

    Prayers...
    Karen

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  28. Appreciate your comment Karen, thank you.

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  29. Thank you, as always, for being REAL!
    There is much that is falling apart in my life right now......... or should I say my SON'S life? I really DO need to detach from my adult son's stuff, get out of his hula hoop, and get on with my own life!
    Anyway, I love the picture.... and it's now my background on my PC.

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