"Yet a time is coming
and has now come when the true worshipers will worship
the Father in spirit and truth, for they are the
kind of worshipers the Father seeks." - John 4:23

My Heavenly Daddy is healing
me from the inside out.

Transparency is Real.
Many times painful.

Daddy let me be secure in You only!

Wednesday, August 12, 2009



Praying beforehand, I felt that if I give a disclaimer at the beginning of posts that I feel need attention to, like I do with “Possible Triggers” but also then mention “Explicit Language” it will give you the option of continuing or not.  I did not want to ‘waterdown’ the actual language in the book and lose the effect of what is being said and experienced.  So, when you see these warnings, please take note and “be gentle with yourself.”

“Many women go through a period when sexual abuse is literally all they can think about.  You may find yourself talking about it obsessively with anyone who will listen, having uncontrollable flashbacks, crying all day long, or unable to go to work.  Your life may be full of overwhelming crises.  You may dream about your abuser or be afraid to sleep.” (The Courage to Heal)

Laura Davis, one of the authors of this book shares:

“I just lost it completely.  I wasn’t eating.  I wasn’t sleeping.  I did hold down a job at Winchell‘s Donuts.  But I was afraid to stay in the house alone.  I would go out in the middle of the night and hide somewhere, behind a dumpster or something.  I had terrible nightmares about my father.  I was having all kinds of fantasies.  I’d hear the sound of my father’s zipper coming down, the click of the buckle.  Then I’d imagined all this blood.  Physically, I was a mess.  I had crabs.  I hadn’t bathed in a month.  I was afraid of the shower.”“The emergency stage is not something you choose, yet it must be ridden through to the other side.  It cannot be ignored or pushed away through a force of will.  As one survivor aptly remarked, “It’s like learning a new word.  Within days, you start seeing it in everything you read, and you never saw it before in your life.” (Courage To Heal)

The authors go on to state that in this emergency stage it is something we do not choose.  We all come from different backgrounds and experiences.  Some much more intense and devastating than others.  But, still we are damaged.  Early on in our recovery we have many words for what we are experiencing.  I know I have used the words to describe what I have been going through as a volcano slowly errupting, spewing out bits and pieces of matter.In surviving the “Emergency Stage:”

“Sometimes when you look at your healing and the shit you went through, it’s just so big.  The pain can be enormous.  You have to just put one foot in front of the other.  Don’t look at how big it is.  Just put one foot in front of the other.  And then when you look up, you’re someplace else.”  (Courage to Heal).  

I will end this post here.  Will pick up later on the topic of “Easing the Intensity of the Emergency Stage” in another post.  I do not want to post continually on this book one post after another.  We all need a breather.  I need a breather.  So, I will have lighter posts in-between like usual.  Well, if you can call “my life” of posts lighter.  Well, you know what I mean....


  1. This is such a great post. Just a few days ago, I happened to meet somebody who have been struggling from her past. I believe this blog could help a lot. I'll share this to her.

  2. I think this is so true, at least I have experienced this. Altho - my career is one area of my life that I have remained (mostly) in control of. But all other areas of my life have been so affected at times. Triggers everywhere! Movies, commercials, books, smells, songs...HORRIBLE! But as for trudging thru- trying to get to the other side, I find myself wondering how many pitfalls there are...Like I need a "map"...to know, "Oh, yes, I'll be in "anxiety town" next... Ya know?
    Thank you for posting...and for being here...
    ~ Gracie

  3. Thank you for this post. I used to think that my sweet niece was a bit of a drama queen. Now, she's my hero just for living through the same emotions you express here. Imagine testifying in front of a jury when you're five years old, telling them all what your dad did to you, then having the jury find your dad not guilty and having to leave the courtroom with him. This man was a monster who went on to molest four other daughters birthed from three other wives after my sister divorced him. Always, not guilty. I'm going to listen to my favorite niece more closely as she speaks because of this blog. She's in her twenties now. I hope God makes all things new for her one day.

  4. Yep flash backs waking up in in the closet and not knowing how I got there... were the early ones that was 22 years ago now...The early stages of the knowledge your stepping into. Now many of us forerunners have opened the path to the help you will receive.
    Trust the process...

  5. Appreciate all of your comments and insights. So very sorry for a lot of your pain and pain of close ones to you.

  6. When I started to write last year, I thought of getting in my car, closing my eyes and driving. The only thing that kept me from doing that were my kids. I couldn't hurt them. It would have destoyed them. The flashbacks made it feel like it was happening all over again.

  7. It seems you are gaining something really valuable from this book. I'm glad it is helping. If there are times I don't comment here please know it is just something I can't do, but my heart is with you in your healing process.

  8. Good Music. Wow, really really deep. Speechless

  9. I know this... Been there, done that... more than once and it's just as awful each time as the first time. I think I'm often locked in the emergency stage, unable to breathe and frozen in time and space.

    Good book, I'll have to check it out.

  10. JBR, big warm hug. You are doing incredibly. This post in particularly reminds me how often I had lived through this too. That when I tried to have a "normal" relation with man, each and every time the face of my boyfriend changed in his face. He was freaking everywhere. I am so deeply grateful when this passed. And it will, for you too. Hugs

  11. JBR- I guess it's sometimes a long way back from a dark journey. Very thoughful post. ~rick

  12. Thanks for choosing to just be real, love you dear.

  13. Powerful stuff. Even I can't relate to most of what you say here, I admire your courage.

  14. Makes forward progress possible.

  15. That is the nature of walking away from something.

  16. stuck-in-the-middleAugust 13, 2009

    Hang in there JBR!

  17. I just wanted to encourage you to post what you can, when you can, as much and/or as little as you can. Whatever it is and whatever it takes for you to receive your healing.

  18. God bless you as you continue on your healing.

  19. I will Never forgive or Forget
    He cut me Down , Hard
    It hurt, I will never forget
    those dreadful WORDS
    The pain stabbed my soul
    The Pain stabbed my
    He took, Innocence
    Now , after all these Years
    I have ,my Soul Back
    Will he Return ?
    At times ,
    But he will No Longer , Control ME!

    a few words I wrote awhile ago, I really enjoy what you post , NEED it.. TY so much and bless you and every victim, we all need courage to HEAL

  20. I applaud you for being further along in the book than I am! I know this is the next chapter I will begin to face this week-end. I too agree that we cannot just simply keep our nose deep within this book continuously and that we need the break. Mainly for ourselves to absorb what we are learning or facing, but for others that we are sharing our experiences with that may still be in denial because they fear facing what truly happened. I know that I am willing to work and do whatever I can to get through this book, but I back off when I feel I need to just because my feelings becoming overwhelming and even fearful at times.

    I feel as though we are going through this together my dear friend. You have been a blessing that God has placed in my life. Hugs to you!!!

  21. This book is so in depth, I am remembering why it was so hard for me to read it. It was too true for me. You seem to be gaining so much from it! I am proud of you for continuing to read it and share your thoughts and feelings with us. One of these days I'll pick it back up and hopefully be as strong as you are!

  22. Wow. What a great passage. And what a good message to pass on. Thank you for providing this knowledge for women. And also a place where they can come and speak honestly and openly. I think that is so important!

  23. Here is my story on the "emergency state". I was working for a asset mgmt firm back in 1998 when I started the healing process. I was getting ready to send a wire out and in the description I typed incest instead of invest. I am glad I caught it before the wire went out! When I look back I chuckle a little.

    Please take comfort in knowing that this stage of the healing process does not last forever! There will be days that it may seem that way!

    Continue to be strong and have courage through the healing process.

  24. Thank you for being real. It seems that i have been able to find alot of peace here on this site and peace is what I need right now.

  25. JBR, passing by, showing some love. Hope you start the day refershed. Hugs

  26. ((hugs)). I am serious when I need to be serious........and I'm fun and playful the rest of the time.

    My fun times does not mean I don't care about so many important world issue...........but I do need to revive myself.

    I love your blog.. your honesty..........and I love that you take time to enjoy LIFE.. the POOL and all. Nature helps me.. going to Black rock to hike tomorrow.

  27. Absolutely have been there in the emergency stage and understand. And I agree that writing down your thoughts honestly and openly will not only bless you but also others. I love to go back to my earlier journals and writing and re-read to see how I have grown in Christ (and sometimes taken a nosedive) even in the midst of healing.

    Blessings to you today!

  28. Thank you for sharing excerpts from this book. It helps me understand this process a little better and gives me more to think about. Take care!

  29. Hi my friend,

    This is a very good book. It is sad and scary what people of abuse have to go through! I hope this book is giving you lots of insight to help take one step forward!!!!

  30. It actually hurts to read your blog sometimes(and subsequent comments too) because it reminds me of how much God spared me from, and now again with the Emergency Stage I realize even what I went through was so minimal compared to others. I wonder why did I get spared so much when others didn't, and I hurt so much for you (all). Remember, God wishes He could have spared you ALL the pain!

  31. What a great post, and a great book. It's so true... I never thought I'd say this, but it does pass. It does get easier.

    Thanks for the great music!