I AM, I SAID

Tonights t. session had a lot to do with me and my wanting to control my environment around me and the need to know why I am doing what I am doing otherwise I can go balastic. Now, for the past couple of days I have been having this one particular song on my mind. Now it kind of falls into place......I think......so here goes.....

I shared with you a few weeks back about one of my roommates (the good one) and how we connected for a short while after ten years just recently. I also alluded to a roommate (“horrid”). Well, even though I have seen “horrid” a few times at a distance in these past years, what I went through with her, still haunts me at times.

Ironically, the other day out of the blue, the song by Neil Diamond, “I Am I Said” popped in my head. Have not thought of that song and its meaning in over ten years. Even though the melody is nice, this song now has very negative connotations for me. This is why:

The “horrid” roommate linked this song to me (why she chose this song among many others I will not know) and said it best described who I was at the time. One of “horrid’s” methods was to constantly remind me of this person who was empty and ”horrid” would just criticize, accuse me of things, make threats against me etc. and literally brainwashed me. She was very paranoid and thought I was a threat towards the end.

She constantly beat me down emotionally and said I was in essence “bad” and I was sooooo imprisoned and fearful of her and her words. Very critical (like both my parents). The other so-called friends I did have of mine, she pit me against them and said they were no good, and I lost them. She replaced those friends with her friends, so you can just imagine.

The mind torment and the mind control “horrid” put me through (close to two years) because I believed it, and did not know what to do was devastating. I did fear her. Sickly enough, I was so co-dependent on her. I lost 30 pounds because I was in constant turmoil and could not eat. Could not sleep and God only knows how I functioned at work. I was at her beck and call 24 hours a day. And I mean that. She would have me pick her up from work nightly at 1:00 a.m. then I would have to be at work by 8:00 a.m. All along she had a car, but she wanted me to be her chauffeur and control me. I would have to take her and pick her up from places, do her what was then “typing” for her college work. Went food shopping for her, did her laundry you name it I did it. All on my time. (Naturally at the time I did not see it this way and saw nothing wrong. I saw someone paying attention to me even though I felt like crap, the attention was much better) Sick, yes! Anyway, that is just a smidgin of what the mental abuse of “hell” I went through with her.

Again, I do not know why I blog about this, as I did have it buried and thought I dealt with most of it (through past counselling). Maybe someone needs to see something in my words, or maybe I need to see my words again and see that how awful of a situation I was in for those years and thankfully got out. As I said, I went right into t. after that, as I was a mess. Even though things did get better I hit a really bad snag a few years later, and noticed my well-being went down the tubes for a long long long time.

I know there are different types of controlling. “Horrid” had the “sick controlling” oppose to the controlling I desire in my life to make sure everything works smoothly. I know all this control stuff within me has been there way before even having roommates. It started in my youth when all my crap was going on.

So, I continue on as just obeying the leading of the Holy Spirit at the moment and going with the flow and blog this post.

Below are the stanzas in red that really pertain to me from the song “I Am I Said.” Believe you me, I have gone over and over again many times the words trying to figure out what the hell she saw in this song that would make her think it was me.

By the way, “horrid” had many issues herself, similar to mine. So I am sure she projected a lot of her crap and hurt on me and used me big time! I see that now. But then, I refused to see it! I did not want to believe it!

You can also click on my Playlist above the first song and hear the actual tune:

I AM... I SAID
Written by Neil Diamond

L.A.'s fine, the sun shines most the time
And the feeling is 'lay back'
Palm trees grow, and rents are low
But you know I keep thinkin' about
Making my way back

Well I'm New York City born and raised
But nowadays, I'm lost between two shores
L.A.'s fine, but it ain't home
New York's home, but it ain't mine no more

"I am," I said
To no one there
An no one heard at all
Not even the chair
"I am," I cried
"I am," said I
And I am lost, and I can't even say why
Leavin' me lonely still

Did you ever read about a frog who dreamed of bein' a king
And then became one
Well except for the names and a few other changes
I you talk about me, the story's the same one

But I got an emptiness deep inside
And I've tried, but it won't let me go
And I'm not a man who likes to swear
But I never cared for the sound of being alone

"I am," I said
To no one there
An no one heard at all
Not even the chair
"I am," I cried
"I am," said I
And I am lost, and I can't even say why
Leavin' me lonely still.

1971 Prophet Music, Inc. (ASCAP)