"Yet a time is coming
and has now come when the true worshipers will worship
the Father in spirit and truth, for they are the
kind of worshipers the Father seeks." - John 4:23

My Heavenly Daddy is healing
me from the inside out.

Transparency is Real.
Many times painful.

Daddy let me be secure in You only!

Tuesday, August 11, 2009

I AM, I SAID


Tonights t. session had a lot to do with me and my wanting to control my environment around me and the need to know why I am doing what I am doing otherwise I can go balastic. Now, for the past couple of days I have been having this one particular song on my mind. Now it kind of falls into place......I think......so here goes.....

I shared with you a few weeks back about one of my roommates (the good one) and how we connected for a short while after ten years just recently. I also alluded to a roommate (“horrid”). Well, even though I have seen “horrid” a few times at a distance in these past years, what I went through with her, still haunts me at times.

Ironically, the other day out of the blue, the song by Neil Diamond, “I Am I Said” popped in my head. Have not thought of that song and its meaning in over ten years. Even though the melody is nice, this song now has very negative connotations for me. This is why:

The “horrid” roommate linked this song to me (why she chose this song among many others I will not know) and said it best described who I was at the time. One of “horrid’s” methods was to constantly remind me of this person who was empty and ”horrid” would just criticize, accuse me of things, make threats against me etc. and literally brainwashed me. She was very paranoid and thought I was a threat towards the end.

She constantly beat me down emotionally and said I was in essence “bad” and I was sooooo imprisoned and fearful of her and her words. Very critical (like both my parents). The other so-called friends I did have of mine, she pit me against them and said they were no good, and I lost them. She replaced those friends with her friends, so you can just imagine.

The mind torment and the mind control “horrid” put me through (close to two years) because I believed it, and did not know what to do was devastating. I did fear her. Sickly enough, I was so co-dependent on her. I lost 30 pounds because I was in constant turmoil and could not eat. Could not sleep and God only knows how I functioned at work. I was at her beck and call 24 hours a day. And I mean that. She would have me pick her up from work nightly at 1:00 a.m. then I would have to be at work by 8:00 a.m. All along she had a car, but she wanted me to be her chauffeur and control me. I would have to take her and pick her up from places, do her what was then “typing” for her college work. Went food shopping for her, did her laundry you name it I did it. All on my time. (Naturally at the time I did not see it this way and saw nothing wrong. I saw someone paying attention to me even though I felt like crap, the attention was much better) Sick, yes! Anyway, that is just a smidgin of what the mental abuse of “hell” I went through with her.

Again, I do not know why I blog about this, as I did have it buried and thought I dealt with most of it (through past counselling). Maybe someone needs to see something in my words, or maybe I need to see my words again and see that how awful of a situation I was in for those years and thankfully got out. As I said, I went right into t. after that, as I was a mess. Even though things did get better I hit a really bad snag a few years later, and noticed my well-being went down the tubes for a long long long time.

I know there are different types of controlling. “Horrid” had the “sick controlling” oppose to the controlling I desire in my life to make sure everything works smoothly. I know all this control stuff within me has been there way before even having roommates. It started in my youth when all my crap was going on.

So, I continue on as just obeying the leading of the Holy Spirit at the moment and going with the flow and blog this post.

Below are the stanzas in red that really pertain to me from the song “I Am I Said.” Believe you me, I have gone over and over again many times the words trying to figure out what the hell she saw in this song that would make her think it was me.

By the way, “horrid” had many issues herself, similar to mine. So I am sure she projected a lot of her crap and hurt on me and used me big time! I see that now. But then, I refused to see it! I did not want to believe it!

You can also click on my Playlist above the first song and hear the actual tune:


I AM... I SAID
Written by Neil Diamond

L.A.'s fine, the sun shines most the time
And the feeling is 'lay back'
Palm trees grow, and rents are low
But you know I keep thinkin' about
Making my way back

Well I'm New York City born and raised
But nowadays, I'm lost between two shores
L.A.'s fine, but it ain't home
New York's home, but it ain't mine no more

"I am," I said
To no one there
An no one heard at all
Not even the chair
"I am," I cried
"I am," said I
And I am lost, and I can't even say why
Leavin' me lonely still


Did you ever read about a frog who dreamed of bein' a king
And then became one
Well except for the names and a few other changes
I you talk about me, the story's the same one

But I got an emptiness deep inside
And I've tried, but it won't let me go
And I'm not a man who likes to swear
But I never cared for the sound of being alone

"I am," I said
To no one there
An no one heard at all
Not even the chair
"I am," I cried
"I am," said I
And I am lost, and I can't even say why
Leavin' me lonely still.


1971 Prophet Music, Inc. (ASCAP)

34 comments:

  1. Some times we just need to get things up and out to deal with them. Maybe you are blogging about it in order to purge it from your being. I hope so!
    Blessings and prayers, andrea

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  2. Hopefully with your writing, pain is easing and until it vanishes...Even if it hurts to remember, but if you compare to where you are now, then, it is still victory on your part, not sadness anymore...God bless.

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  3. Wow girl that song was my mourning song throughout my youth.
    Glad your free of her . It is the triangle victim/offender/rescuer all in all all on the triangle just shifting corners. Some survivors tend to one tip or the other. I am a recovered victim. Each tip has the survival not functional life.

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  4. Awesome song. One of my favorites. Donetta is correct, it's the cycle that shifts. Then people shift to accomdate the cycle. Til someone breaks it. Your working on it, keep working on it.

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  5. I think writing is a cleansing process. It also let others know they are not alone. I am sorry you had to endure such roommate. You are growing stronger daily and it shows.

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  6. Wow. It's weird that you understand this song the same way as I do. I posted on it back at the end of March. I was using the song to try to define how DID feels at it's most troublesome.

    Sorry, tho, that this has crept up on you again. Just when you thot you had laid it to rest... I know how you feel when this happens and it's not good. Every time I go thru this tho, it hurts less the next time. I hope it's that way for you, too.

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  7. Hi,
    So much sadness and pain in the world. Earlier today I commented to friends, "how can people be so cruel"? In my counseling certificate course I learned the phrase that "hurting people hurt people". It is powerfully true. May God heal you from deep inside and erase all the pain. May God heal all of us from past hurt and erase our pains. In spite of all you went through, I see a strong woman in you with a beautiful spirit. Just continue to be real because your 'realness' is setting others free. Thanks for sharing your heart & be blessed always.
    LJ

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  8. Blogging is sometimes similar to journaling - maybe just not quite as revealing.

    Both are good for the soul.

    PG

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  9. I used to play this song alot over again to understand the meaning. Hard to. Keep hanging on!

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  10. Pardon my ignorance but what is a t. session?

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  11. I think processing past relationships, like any grief process, goes in bits and pieces. There is no clear beginning or end... things come up, we process them, we move on, and then something else comes up. There's nothing wrong with that. There's nothing that says we have to leave it all behind at any point, and there's no point trying to rush yourself because it takes as long as it takes.

    As far as control... I can really relate to that. It is also what my therapy session was about this week. My blog today is about some of what I'm trying to process in learning what I can and cannot control, and what it means.

    You are bravely pushing forward on your personal journey. You are, I say. And, you are exactly as you are meant to be.

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  12. I believe that you get it out of your head and onto paper so at some point, you can come back here and see just how far you really have come and SMILE!

    Love and Hugs ~ Kat

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  13. I believe that you get it out of your head and onto paper so at some point, you can come back here and see just how far you really have come and SMILE!

    Love and Hugs ~ Kat

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  14. Sometimes we just need to get the isue up again, maybe in writing it down you may figure how far you have come or maybe your figure there is still a part you have to re-work. Whatever is applicable you are right on it. Hugs to you.

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  15. Thank you for sharing your pain REAL ONE!!
    ♥ U.

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  16. I swa the title said to funny as I've just heard this song a couple of days ago. Hope your pain subsides.

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  17. YOu certainly had some obstacles to overcome. I'm sure with God grace you were able to and continue to. God Bless.

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  18. I'm happy for you that you are beyond that awful relationship. You just keep getting stronger. This is a powerful song.

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  19. stuck-in-the-middleAugust 12, 2009

    Hang in there JBR!

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  20. JBR,
    I Am (Is God)
    I am, I cried (God is crying with you)
    The emptiness we feel inside is God calling us.
    The emptiness can only be filled with God.
    The Holy Spirit is trying to tell you to count on him, He is crying within you.
    Hugs!

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  21. Girlfriend, you need to replace those words in red with I AM a child of God, I Am embraced by Him who created me for His purposes, I AM someone incredible and beautiful, I AM a survivor, I AM overcoming my fears and pains, I AM not afraid with Christ by my side.

    Hugs to you sweet one!!!!

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  22. i think this is something you really should just let go. not worth spending your energy on, giving it power, since it's something you can't do anything about, it's too long ago, isn't it?!?!

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  23. Neil Diamond was one of my fav singers. Some of his songs have some deep meaning to them. Some people can pick up on different meanings to his songs. HOpe your doing ok.

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  24. Wow, she really was the room mate from hell. When I was in middle school I had a "friend" like that. Today she doesn't acknowledge what she put me through.

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  25. Be of good courage, and he shall strengthen your heart, all ye that hope in the LORD. Psalms 31:24

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  26. Dear darling friend,

    This brought tears to my eyes. I don’t remember ever hearing this song, but I listened to it as I followed along reading the lyrics on your post. It is so sad to think of how that roommate treated you…I am so sorry.

    I hope today you will find encouragement and blessing.

    ♥Hope
    P.S. I enjoyed reading your comment on my post today :)

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  27. Sweet blog you have.

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  28. I've lived with some rough characters in my day, so I know what's it like. Sorry for whta you went through.

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  29. JBR- I agree with Shadow, and I always liked that song. Neil Diamond was on a roll for awhile. Take care~rick

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  30. You are only going to get stronger, and stronger my friend. I love you.

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  31. I recently came accross your blog and have been reading along. I thought I would leave my first comment. I dont know what to say except that I have enjoyed reading. Nice blog. I will keep visiting this blog very often.


    Susan

    http://disturbialyrics.net

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  32. I am glad when you post about prior experiences. I think putting it down helps get whatever pain that remains out. It also can comfort others to know that others have had such bad experiences with people. Take care! *hugs*

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  33. Hi JBR,

    I am so busy I am very behind in reading my blogs so sorry. This person seems like another person that did you more harm than good. Sometimes it is good to remember things and just think how you have come since then! I hope your weekend is good.
    Hugs

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