"Yet a time is coming
and has now come when the true worshipers will worship
the Father in spirit and truth, for they are the
kind of worshipers the Father seeks." - John 4:23

My Heavenly Daddy is healing
me from the inside out.

Transparency is Real.
Many times painful.

Daddy let me be secure in You only!

Thursday, August 27, 2009


Have not really blogged much about my father. He has been dead since 1989. Once my parents divorced 40 years ago ( I was a mere child) and I was whisked away to another “life” which was hell in itself, I could only see my father on holidays. Holidays, which soon became Holiday. He really did not want to make the effort and spend the time with me as he had other things going on in his life, so the excuses would come non-stop to why I was not able to fly down to see him.

Memories are now surfacing more and one in particular is the fear I had of my father. Not that he would beat me, but what he thought of me. Me having to do things right in his eyes not to get criticized or scolded but to feel validated.

Later on in my adult life, when I moved back to the same state where my father lived with his new wife, my inner-child followed. Well in fact, she never left. Every time she saw her dad, she went back to the childlike state. She felt abandoned and hurt. She saw much more of this as an adult when he would interact more with his girlfriends, then remarried and really pushed her away. It hurt, but she stuffed it and continued to try and compete with the adults and with his alcohol addiction to no avail.

She saw her dad, to give him his birthday gift, a week before he died un-expectantly from a heart attack and lingered another week in a coma. She would visit daily the ICU ward, but the emotions were not there to grieve for the man. Even to this day when she reflects back, nothing is there.


  1. Safe hugs to you. I am so very sorry about this situation with your Dad. But now where u have your inner child accepted and communicate with her. Mayn things made fall into palce. I found myself on day at the graveyard yelling at him in his grave! But I grew up with too. There might be a lot of puzzle pieces still missing but you do have an amazing awareness. I know mayn people recommend you shall hang in there, sometims it is important to let go. Love to you

  2. My dad was found dead on the streets of Belfast, I never knew my real mother, we were brought up by an aunt, who ran a pub, so not much love was known, until I found the man of my dreams, whom I eventually married. Now that relationship is in tatters also, I guess I wasnt used to having someone who loved me completely, I still miss my dad, and would have loved dearly for my husband to have met him, yes, the heartbreak is real, and I would give anything to just once say to my dad "I love you"

  3. i had similar feelings around my dad... if i were better, did things differently, he wouldn't drink. and that thinking really buggered up so so many things... i have since realised, and come to terms with the fact, that i had absolutely nothing to do with it, could't have changed it, ever, but it took a while.

  4. It's sad that your father wasn't grown up enough to include you in his life the way he should have. Many spirits are crushed by this kind of rejection. You turned out well in spite of him.

  5. I am very sorry that your earthly father was not there for you like he should have been. But, your heavenly Father wants to be here for you, He loves you unconditionally.

  6. I am fairly certain my own daughter feels this way too. *shrug* I never abandoned her but then she doesn't want the whole story either, her mother left me one fine day, while I was at work (of course). I came home to an empty house.

    After that I did what I had to do to meet the financial requirements of all of my children, truth be told the one that grew up in my house went months without seeing me either. I was working 17+ hour days and only there when they were asleep.

    Doesn't mean they weren't ever on my mind, just that they all had needs only money could fill and my responsibility was to fill them.

  7. That's totally understandable. The connection just wasn't there.

  8. stuck-in-the-middleAugust 27, 2009

    Sorry JBR for this recent emotions. Hang in there.

  9. Hi Friend thinking of you!

    Father feelings are difficult, with you all the way.

  10. I am so sorry you had to grow up like that.My thoughts and prayers are with you, I still struggle with the thoughts of " why victims always seem to be a victim of many things", always made to feel it was our fault?

    You did your part, JBR, God knows how much you tried over the years, at least you can begin to feel in your heart, you did your part.

    BIG HUGS from my part of the world to you


  11. rejection hurts. No one has hurt me more thann my father. No one has confused me more than my father.

  12. Oh JBR, I feel for you sweet one. I know seeing my father recently after 11 or so years, I felt my scared, angry inner child jumping up and down to be heard. But really, there's no "father" there, just a big empty space (and a missed opportunity for him). Your dad missed out, not getting to know his daughter, because you grew up to be a special lady x

  13. These hurts from such young and tender years take such a long time to heal.

    As for me, I am so grateful for all the help I have had, that God has led me to. Years ago, I had a wonderful counselor at just the right time in my life and she along with my finding Alcoholics Anonymous helped me tremendously.

    More recently, 5 years ago, I found Al-Anon, another total blessing in the healing process.

    I pray for your healing,

  14. .........this story is very common............and yet very hurtful. My father was around but I wished he was NOT.

  15. I have found that in forgiving my parents, I am finally able to move on in peace. They did the best they could at the time...just like I tryed to do with my children. My children are still angry with me. You are on the right path to recovery. Hang in there. God is leading you.

  16. I feel sorry for him and all he missed out on a real loveing relationship with you!


  17. My father is still alive and it has taken many years for me to come to grip with things. I forgave him in my early twenties, but honestly it took a while for my heart to catch up with my head. This past year when my grandmother died I saw him for the first time in about 15 years. We were able to spend some time together and now talk occasionally. I accept that things will never be the way I would like for them to be and I now have peace, finally at age 43.
    Thank you for sharing from your heart with us!
    Blessings, andrea

    PS: Please visit http://seaglassreflections.blogspot.com She is in desperate need of prayers and encouragement right now.

  18. JBR,

    I completely understand the way you feel about your father. I am still trying to deal with issues I have with my own. We both sits on opposite sides of the fence, he will never admit any wrong doing and I just want to move forward and re-establish a relationship. We will see what God produces in the future.

    Love and Hugs ~ Kat

  19. Thank you for sharing some deep emotions. The nothingness is an emotion.The abandonment is real and leaves a hole.

  20. profound post! take it to the Lord in prayer. May God bless you with grace, peace and love through our Lord Jesus Christ.

    In Christ,


  21. I lost both of my parents at 8 years young. My mother died at the hands of my father and my father sits in prison for the crime. To not be able to utter the words, "i love you mom" or "i love you dad" has profoundly affected my life. I still go in spite of it, but it's a yearning that will never be satisfied and I've had to make peace with it. Some days are good, others, not so much.