"Yet a time is coming
and has now come when the true worshipers will worship
the Father in spirit and truth, for they are the
kind of worshipers the Father seeks." - John 4:23

My Heavenly Daddy is healing
me from the inside out.

Transparency is Real.
Many times painful.

Daddy let me be secure in You only!

Tuesday, August 18, 2009


****Possible MAJOR Triggers****

“Although remembering sometimes feels emotionally detached, when you remember with feeling, the helplessness, terror, and physical pain can be as real as any actual experience. Sexual arousal may also accompany your memories, and this may horrify you, but arousal is a natural response to sexual stimulation. You don’t have to be ashamed.

You might recall feeling close; you might remember the pleasure of having the attention of someone you loved. Disgust and horror are not the only feelings that accompany memories. There is no right way to feel, but you must feel, even if it sends you reeling.” (The Courage to Heal)

This chapter on ‘Feeling the Feelings’ is a bit hard for me to blog tonight, as I have to reach deep down and I really do not want to go there, but as the quote above says, “...but you must feel, even if it sends you reeling.”

Just want to reiterate, that I am in therapy.

This topic is probably one in a list of topics that is frightening for me. Within these past couple of weeks, I have become more sensitive with remembering, as I shared in my previous post, of my surroundings during my actual abuse. What was actually around me, the trees in the woods, the sand pit tunnel, the smell in the air, the stillness, the dark bedroom, the bed, etc. And on more that one occasion recently I have experienced remembering what it actually felt like when my brother was touching me, what position he was in, as I, and our conversations during those times.

Damn we were just kids!!


  1. Sweetie, I am sorry. God loves you, cling tightly to Him, you will get through this. I love you.

  2. Ikeep thinking, the only way out is through. Praying for you. He won't let go. Sarah

  3. Hello my friend,

    I cannot say whether you should continue or not. This seems to be helping you, and because of that I would say you should continue; however, if I had shared the experience of your very difficult past of abuse, I do not think I could read it. Others who have shared your experience may be helped in dealing with their feelings, as you seem to be. So I will not vote one way or the other. I think only those who have dealt with similar past could really decide on this one.


  4. JBR,

    You are an amazing survivor and what comes across through each and every post of yours is the strength you have. You are a very strong woman capable of dealing with most things none of us ever want to imagine.

    In addition to your strength, your love and compassion as come across in your ability to share what your going through but helping others deal with this level of pain as well.

    I love you and am sending hugs and love on wings to you! I think you are doing a wonderful thing. It heals you as well because this is your outlet instead of keeping it bottled up inside.

    Love and Hugs ~ Kat

  5. You know, this is interesting. When I read "The Courage to Heal" (really over the course of several years), I did not "get" the "feel the feelings" idea. It was only when I went down to the Colin Ross trauma program in Dallas that I finally got the message: "FEEL THE FEELINGS!" I've come to the conclusion that my healing really cannot complete itself without this important step. But, it is anguish, I know!

    I'm here with you. I care. Safe hugs ((((((((((((JBR))))))))))))

  6. JBR,
    Oh Wow I am so proud of you! I sense a little sense of humor shining through in the darkness of all this..... The "Damn we were just kids". Trying to make sense out of this must be mind boggling.

    Sort of like when we are kids and decide to play doctor and patient and stick our little brother in the arm with a pin and call it a shot. *smiling here* Ouch! How soon we forget the pain involved and remember only the event.

  7. Wow... I truly am sorry for what you went through as a kid JBR, really sorry.

  8. I am amazed at your continued strength. Keep fighting...GOD will continue to heal your heart, mind, and soul. I know b/c he did me.
    Blessings, andrea


  10. It is quite difficult to remember all those details from childhood, especially during abuse. I don't know about you, but I was not thinking about my surroundings. I was focused on the abuse itself and trying desperately to figure a way out. The only surroundings that mattered were those that I thought I could use to protect myself! Good for you that you *can* recall more than that.

  11. JBR, love and hugs. You are doing so amazing. Feel the feelings was the hardest part for me and I tried to avoid it every so hard. But once started in recovery it seems then there is only one way: through.

  12. It is unfortunate that we have to look at and walk around and feel the things that trouble us so. It is unfortunate but necessary for our understanding. Remember what appears a boulder now will be shown to be a pebble once you understand it.

  13. you have to have to feel. and you'll be comfortable with your feelings. one day.

    btw, come over quickly, as i was writing it, i was thinking of you....

  14. stuck-in-the-middleAugust 19, 2009

    Hang in there JBR!

  15. Feeelings have a mind of there own. There fickle and there painful. Take your time and work through it at your pace.

  16. I can't begin to understand what you're going through... My prayers are with you

    But I do understand abuse. I was only 17;

    I don't wear wool -- tell people that I'm allergic to it. Because when I touch it, it still reminds me of the sweater he was wearing when he abused me.

    I've only shared this with my sponser. Sue

  17. I to know all to well feeling those horrible feelings had kept me back from my healing process. Dealing with them ( I still am ) has helped me greatly, I blocked them out, but once I allowed them to surface, my healing began,
    I was 15 and I am still healing. ?? is do we ever heal totally,it is a tough road,may God guide you throughout your healing, as I find he is me, along with friends you can trust and have been through the same

  18. It's difficult to explain but as best as I can, I find myself gaining courage to face my own skeletons the more I read about you and your courage. I just want to thank you for what you're doing. I'm convinced it's far from easy for you and yet there is something about the whole process that others are being healed right along with you. These are just my own thoughts and opinions yet I believe it to be true.

  19. I actually have that book; I'm looking at it right now, in fact. Read it many years ago but your posts make me think that I should maybe have another look soon.

    I wish you well on this journey, JBR. It is good to shine a light on the injuries that happen to us along the way. As they are taken out of the shadows, their power eventually will dissolve. Whether you choose to continue to share some or all of your story, you have already encouraged and inspired others.

  20. Sayings a prayer for you, JBR

  21. I pray for strength for you as you go through these painful memories!

  22. I pray God wraps his arms around you and you lose yourself in His glory. I pray for your pain to dissipate.

  23. (((hugs)))

    Remembering is painful. Like everything traumatic, the sounds, sights, smells and touch stays with us all to vividly sometimes. Don't open the door all at once. It's a hard pain to look at, and doesn't need to be done swiftly.

  24. Feeling the feeling is the hardest part. I am not there yet. I also am in therapy. Your faith is strong.((((JBR))))