"Yet a time is coming
and has now come when the true worshipers will worship
the Father in spirit and truth, for they are the
kind of worshipers the Father seeks." - John 4:23

My Heavenly Daddy is healing
me from the inside out.

Transparency is Real.
Many times painful.

Daddy let me be secure in You only!

Thursday, August 20, 2009


****Possible Triggers****

“Few survivors feel that they have control over their memories. Most feel that the memories have control of them, that they do not choose the time and place that a new memory will emerge. You may be able to fight them off for a time, but the price-nightmares, headaches, exhaustion-is not worth staving off the inevitable.

Not everyone can tell when a memory is coming, but many survivors do get warnings, a certain physical sensation or feeling, that clues them in. Your stomach may get tight. You may sleep poorly or have frightening dreams. Or you may be warned in other ways:

I always know when they’re coming. I get very tense. I get very scared. I get snappy at things that ordinarily wouldn’t make me angry. I get sad. Usually it’s anger and anxiety and fear that come first. And I have a choice. It’s a real conscious choice. It’s either I want it or I don’t want it. And I said, “I don’t want it,” a lot. When I did that, I would just get sicker and sicker. I’d get more depressed. I’d get angry irrationally.

Now I don’t say I don’t want it. It’s not worth it. My body seems to need to release it. The more I heal, the more I see these memories are literally stored in my body, and they’ve got to get out. Otherwise I’m going to carry them forever.”
(Courage to Heal)

Another woman shares,

“The more I worked on the abuse, the more I remembered. First I remembered my brother, and then my grandfather. About six months after that I remembered my father. And then about a year later, I remembered my mother. I remembered the “easiest” first and the “hardest” last. Even though it was traumatic for me to realize that everyone in my family abused me, there was something reassuring about it. For a long time I’d felt worse than the initial memories should have made me feel, so remembering the rest of the abuse was actually one of the most grounding things to happen. My life suddenly made sense.” (Courage to Heal)

Do you see yourself in any of this?

It seems that once we have accepted that we were abused and are not in denial, and remembering much about our abuse, certain things come into perspective, as the author above stated, “My life suddenly made sense.”

I am not forwarned if a new memory arises despite feeling uptight most of the time, angry at things I should not be, and extremely sad and depressed (those two have been a part of my life).

Through much prayer now, if I find myself struggling with recollection of a memory, I tend to eventually remember more to the incident. Not necessarily at that moment. May take a day, a week, a month, etc. All in God's timing, if so be it! I believe it all depends on the individual also and how much they are willing to let go and how truly they want to be healed into freedom!

A lot of the time it is extremely frightening remembering, recalling as I do this by myself or in a safe environment at my t. session. A lot of the time "I just do not want to go there!" I become so frighten! I do know and I am reassured, that once I face these fears, "the monsters" will be so much easier to handle!! So, with that in mind, that is the "hope" I hold on to!!!!

When alone, if I feel I really need to see more into a particular memory, I try and become more relaxed and not "try so hard." Now, I am only speaking for myself. Everyone is different. A lot of you do not want to even face anymore than you already know, and I certainly can understand that, and that is okay!

I had to take a breather the other day, as I was having a difficult time processing, so I too need to be cautious and know my limitations and not end up in a tailspin.


  1. Take your time in this journey, no need to rush through. God will patiently stay with you. He loves you, and so do I.

  2. One of the hardest things for me to let go of the control of was memory recollection. I have gaps that I desperately want to fill, and it was becoming an obsessive issue for me. What you have already realized is something that I am still struggling with. Whether I remember today, tomorrow or years from now... it is in God's timing.

  3. May I share with you that from my personal walk, that totally submitting to our Lord is the best way to overcome it. Otherwise, it is very often than not be stirred up by this memory that caused us feel deeply painful.

  4. Lisa Marie and James, thank you for your comments and yes, it is in God's timing!

  5. Yes, taking things slowly has helped me. Too much, too soon shuts me down.

    Thanks you for your raw honesty

  6. For me it was as if GOD were gracious enough to only allow me to remember what I could handle and then when I was ready HE allowed me to remember more....and on and on through out the healing process.
    Blessings, andrea

  7. ((((JBR))) as you face the memories.

  8. It's so good to read how you gradually allow God to heal and restore you.
    Take care,

  9. Remembering is traumatizing. I have had incomplete memories for years. I never questioned their lack of ending, not once, until therapy. Knowing those little "memories" were just the tip of a memory is as frightening as walking safely away from a coiled rattlesnake and knowing about it only after you are safe. I hate it, but I can't stop them, they come and come. Letting them happen when they want to is not quite so difficult.

    The only consolation is that they are lessening in number.

  10. You've been so special JBR in your walk. I only wish the best for you during these difficult days ahead.

  11. May your walk through this pain be quickly as you hold onto our saviors hand.

  12. JBR.

    Each day lately, I try to "see" a bit more, and I'm awed by discoveries of stuff I never dreamed would be surfacing. I'm talking about 70 years ago!

  13. Memories are the root of how we see the world. Then it's up to us to create new memories. I have to try and picture my father and mothere getting along. Thought it is difficult. Instead when that does not work, I see them apart but friendly. I see visitations rather than fear, jealousy, anger and so on. I am battling back PTSD and it's been very hard not to give it strength. Memories keep coming in. But, I keep getting up each day with a smile in hopes that ones day in God's time, it too will be a memory. I'll think on it, then move away from it and live my life.

  14. During the beginning these memories seemed to haunt me. Eventually they go away! I experience them every now and again. Since I am farther along in the healing process they get better to deal with. I just let the memory in process it and then let it go!

    Memories will get better to handel as yo go through the process. My good thoughts are with you!

  15. this is sooo good. yes. one canot hide from the memories forever. besides, it's only possible to do that for a time, before they start festering and creeping into your life in various disguises. and i also believe, they only start 'nudging' once we are ready to deal with them. great post!

  16. JBR-that's interesting. A warning of an approaching memory. Gonna have to ponder that. take care~rick

  17. stuck-in-the-middleAugust 21, 2009

    Hang in there JBR!

  18. Keep up the posts!
    They help me more than you know :)

  19. God will keep you strong during these difficult times. God Bless.

  20. Remember always that God is right there with you in your pain. He will see you through.

  21. There are huge chunks of my childhood I don't remember at all and at my age I'm not willing to delve into that dark pit any longer. I know enough and I can move forward. Like you said it is not the same for all of us and I say whatever works for you-- do it. Getting healthy is the thing and healing doesn't come to all of us in the same way. I think you are doing a wonderful job with your blog-- keep it up.

  22. I remember so little of my childhood, almost none. The abuse robbed me of any of the good things too. I have had terrible flashbacks at very poor places. I seem to have no control. Thank you so much for sharing this book and your feelings.

  23. Don't forget that God is there even when you cannot see him or hear him. Believe me he will show you eventually that he hears you.

    I talk a lot in my next book about healing your life and memories and of course "Living For Today" and not trapped in those memories. It is all in the stages of healing and the chapter I call the final stage of healing.

  24. Thank you for sharing, sometimes we must go "through" so that other might experience or even obtain " Breakthrough " may the blessings of God overtake you on your journey.

  25. JBR,

    Once again courage is well displayed in everything you are in the process of dealing with. It is interesting how memories will pop in and out at random times, but I do know that the bad ones become more infrequent as you are working through them and pretty soon they are truly part of your past.

    Continued prayers of healing accompany this comment and hope that tonight you find yourself at peace and with no bad dreams, thoughts or memories to disturb your sleep. May God give you something beautiful instead.

    Love and Hugs ~ Kat

  26. Rejoice daily in the promises and security that every believer can take as his own. Our God is trustworthy and ever does His passion for His people shine through His word; so take heed the wondrous pledges of His love for you, His child! With reflections brought to you by the staff of the Blue Letter Bible.

  27. I read that book about 15 years ago. AMAZING.

  28. Hi JBR,

    This book is so informative I really hope it is helping you. How ever your memories come remember they are just memories and you are no longer being abused. You will get through this as God will be your strength when you do not think you have any left.

  29. JBR: please visit my friends blog at:
    You are needed. I thank you and praise GOD for how HE will use you ahead of time.
    Blessings and prayers, andrea