"Yet a time is coming
and has now come when the true worshipers will worship
the Father in spirit and truth, for they are the
kind of worshipers the Father seeks." - John 4:23

My Heavenly Daddy is healing
me from the inside out.

Transparency is Real.
Many times painful.

Daddy let me be secure in You only!

Friday, September 25, 2009

BATTLING and BROKEN


Been a rough few days. Feels like I have a lot on my plate these days also.

Have really been depressed and feeling hopeless. The wrestling with my thoughts, shame, unworthiness, rage issues continue and feel so heighten.

A co-worker has been diagnoised with some type of cancer and is going in this morning for a 7-10 hour exploratory surgery. We have her on a prayer wheel and have anointed her with oil and we are expecting a miracle!

Wrestling so much with "Who I Am" and "Just Trying To Be." Some days are better than others.

Then to add insult to injury, my mum continues to try and control me and her continued fears never cease to amaze me.

And the winner for this week for my mum is when she called me one evening frantic to come over and fix her plumbing. Since when did I become a plumber? All I could do was buy some duct tape and tape up the hose that was springing a leak in her washing machine. It continues to leak. So, I reminded her that I was not a plumber and for her to call one.

I broke down numerous times this week. Feel so overwhelmed, weak and broken. The brokenness is a good thing......but oh such a painful thing........ and I know there is more to come.......

Through all of the pain, God's presence is evident in my spirit. I am so grateful for that, it is the main things that keeps me alive!!!

51 comments:

  1. JBR, please feel embraced. Some days are just terrible and hard to deal with. Please give yourself a break of this wrestling. It doesnt mean you give up on recovery it means you take care of yourself and regain some strength.

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  2. Paula, thank you for your encouraging reminding words.

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  3. stuck-in-the-middleSeptember 25, 2009

    Hang in there JBR! I'm always cheering for you!

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  4. Stuck, you are an inspiration and a faithful follower, thank you.

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  5. Brokenness is part of the process. Remember that God won't give you more than you can handle. He's right there with you knowing exactly how much you need and is willing to love you along the way.

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  6. Is it like having a diabetic hour where the systems crash and the body trembles and the mind goes whack? The eyes go berzerker and everything is fogged and distorted? yeah? I have those too and can't do much other about them than grab me some carbs and wait for it to pass.

    I hate it when it happens at 4am the most.

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  7. thewalkingman, thank you for your comment. Anonymous, appreciate your words as well.

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  8. Hi there....thrilled that God led me here this morning. I was intrigued by your blog title because I love to keep it real myself.

    Is it when we are feeling the most broken, that God is the closest to us.

    Psalm 34:18 reminds us that The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and He saves those who are crushed in spirit.

    praying for you, my friend....and your co-worker.

    .....will def. be back!

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  9. Michelle, glad that the Holy Spirit led you here and that you have been blessed. I appreciate the scripture verse and your prayers.

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  10. Just as there is pain associated with an underlying disease, surgery and then recovery, so there is pain with emotional disease, surgery and then recovery. I don't mean to offend you by what I'm about to say but I hope this brings you a laugh. I figure if I had the courage to go through the healing process like you instead of stuffing it down with food, I'd probably be slim and trim by now. :) I'm just saying and that's just me. :)

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  11. Do you want to get well?

    Stay away from that which keeps you in bondage.

    Stay away from your family.

    When you are healed, only then approach them, but expect a lack of applause from them, as you change the rules of relationship. They will not be happy campers that you refuse to abide by entrapment and control.

    But you WILL be a happy camper.

    It is Friday, the end of a week, and a time of rest coming up. Buy yourself a single flower and put it in a vase or glass of water.
    Focus on the beauty, the aroma and fragrance.
    Enjoy the moment.

    And yes, your own beauty and fragrance and aroma is about to bloom too. Prepare for joy.

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  12. Wrestling with our thoughts and our decisions may always be with us. God helps to ease that if we can fully put our trust in him. God Bless.

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  13. onthewaynow, Keystone and OhSewGood, appreciate all your comments and words of strength.

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  14. People tell me when I feel like that - this too will pass - so I want to tell you that too. THis feeling won't last. And I wonder - you have been posting some powerful messages - maybe the enemy is trying to shake your world and silence you. I'm praying for you for this black cloud to blow away. Sarah

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  15. Good point Sarah. Eventhough sometimes when we think what we post will not benefit others, it does. Even satan knows this as well. Thanks for your prayers.

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  16. Received the first update on my co-worker. She has been in surgery for over an hour thus far and all is going good as planned. She has a long road ahead of her today. She is only in her early 40's.

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  17. Hey Sis,
    ((((Hugz))))) I have been going through some desert times myself, and have really been trying to stay focused. I know the more we minister and share what the Holy Spirit puts upon our heart, the more the enemy will try to get in our faces and cause confusion and even use others to discourage us. But like the word says, when all we can do stand, just stand. You are in my prayers and I love your courage, and strength to minister despite how you feel. The Lord has your back, and you have the victory!!!

    HUgz Lorie

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  18. Pats on the back for:
    Speaking up to your mom and reminding her that she has to fix her problems (because you have enough of your own).
    Keeping an awareness of God's presense in you all the time, through good and bad.

    Find a moment to just breathe. Find a whole minute to step outside and breathe in all that God has made. Make that moment a time to step outside all the things that feel so overwhelming, and just BE. You don't have to carry it, constantly. You are allowed to put it down sometimes. Give yourself that gift.

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  19. It is in these broken moments that I fall even quicker to my knees in prayer. I am so very powerless over so many things. That is life. Thank God I know I have a connection to my God and that I can call on that power to help me and those I love.

    I pray for you,
    PG

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  20. PG, yes, I am right there with you with hitting my knees. Doing that more often these days and going off in my prayer language as well.
    Shen, breathing is such a vital part of existence. And taking a breath and letting Christ carry me I know is so important.
    Lorie, appreciate you hugs very much and you support. I pray for your spiritual journey that you become more focus to the leading of God.

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  21. You ended this post on such an encouraging note…that through the pain God’s presence is evident. I am so sorry for you and am thankful that you know the One who heals all pain.

    ♥Hope

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  22. JBR- When I am weak He is strong. It's so wonderful to be in a needful place so we might be filled and healed. Take care~rick

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  23. I am sorry your days have been filled with difficulty. I am sorry your Mum just doesn't get it. You will continue to learn to set healthy boundaries with your mom and others, but often the process may be painful. God is with you and HE wants desperately to continue to heal and restore your heart. GOD is continuing to mold you into the person HE created you to be. Thank you for continuing to share honestly with all who come here. Your ministry will travel far beyond your comprehension. There are many others hurting and they need to know that there is HOPE.

    I will pray for your friend/co-worker. Hang in there, sweet one!

    Blessings, hugs, and prayers, andrea

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  24. Andrea, thank you for your prayers and support and continued encouragement.
    Rick, great words of healing, thank you.
    I too, Hope, am grateful that I know I cannot do "life" on my own. Just need to constantly be reminded that is all.

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  25. Sorry your experiencing pain, which is your healing. Your in my prayers.

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  26. Be gentle with yourself Hon. Thinking of you and saying a prayer for you.
    So many times when I've cried out "I can't do this" there is someone there to remind me: "you ARE doing it."
    So from my heart to yours: You are doing it. You are growing. You are healing.
    Hang in there.

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  27. Hang on in there. I'm sorry for your pain right now. Nothing lasts forever x

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  28. Thank you Speck for your kind words!
    Susan, great words...."I am doing it." Thank you.
    DeeDee appreciate your prayers, thank you.

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  29. Hang in there. It isn't easy, and you arn't alone.

    C

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  30. Might I bluntly suggest that you exercise the given right to say, "mom, I love you but, NO". It appears that in your walk to recover your mother is very "needy" when you least need it no? There is a dynamic I see hear. But also, I do not know if your mom is disabled or anything else so I may be speaking out of turn. If so, except my apologies now, please. But, take care of YOU first. You are struggling right now and you need time to work through that. Hugs. Tammy

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  31. Someone way up near the top said "brokeness is part of the process".. I Amen that. Psalm 51 is a good read in these times.

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  32. BeingMadeNew yes, I agree one needs to be broken in order for the healing to continue. Thank you.
    Tammy, you can be as blunt as you want. No my mum in not disabled. She is a very stronged willed and determined lady who usually gets her way. Appreciate your comment, and I have laid down a lot of boundaries, which she does not like but slowly has to accept.
    healingthesoul, thank you for your visit and comment!

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  33. JBR you are such a special gift from God. I am sorry you are struggling. I will pray for your friend. God bless you always. {{{{HUGS}}}}}

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  34. Wanda, thank you for your kind words and prayers!

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  35. That does sound like a rough week. I wish I could help...I wish I could convince you of how worthy you are. One thing I definitely want you to know is that you definitely get credit for being assertive with your mother. That's huge! Good job!

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  36. Does your church have a pastor who could offer you some counseling? It hurts me when others get so down and depressed. I've been there and I know how hopeless it seems, how hard it is to pull back up once you're there. Big hugs hun.

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  37. I am sorry you have had such a bad week, I am lifting you way up in my prayers. I love you.

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  38. Denise, thanks so much for your prayers. You are very much appreciated!
    Marsha, thank you for your concern. I am in counseling, but this is part of the process. You have good days and then not so good days. Thank you.
    Marji, your words are extremely so kind. Thank you very much.

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  39. SURGERY UPDATE:
    For all who prayed for my co-worker her exploratory surgery is over. 9 hours. The doctor said that she in fact had pancreatic cancer and did the procedure which basically removes everything, including part of her stomach. Prognoses is too early to tell. God is still in the miracle business. Prayers will continue!!

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  40. You know, I have been doing an awful lot of screaming for children's rights.As a parent I always felt that if a place wasn't right for my child, it wasn't right for me. I always found so much more joy being with kids than being with adults. Kids are fair and truthful and funny.
    To see through their eyes brings back faith in yourself as a person and feelings of hope for the future.
    To have time to sit in a childs world is a blessing and society robs children of their time to be innocent. Pressure groups use them as bandaide solutions to their own problems.
    It's all wrong.
    Parents should not have kids unless they are really wanted and they have time for them. Kids are not puppies.Your parents hurt you and now your are suffering.

    You know, worry doesn't change things.It only hurts your soul. Leave what is God's unto God and what is man's unto man. Bless each day as a new day, as a first day of being alive. Smile, breath the fresh air and change your horizon.
    Look towards a place which brings you joy.
    Before you can help others, you must first help yourself. It looks to me like you need space and time away from things.
    Your Mom being an alcoholic,is a needy person. Many alcoholics can't remember and can't do for themselves.If you can help fine, if not, send her to some one who can.If you feel a plumber is something she needs, send her one.
    If you do this a few times, she will stop pestering you as she will see he ways are not working. First and foremost, be good to yourself. Love yourself.
    Then you will be able to love others.
    This is as real as I can be.
    Hope it helps.:)

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  41. I'm so sorry for all you're dealing with right now...keep the faith...and I know you will.
    ((hugs))
    ~ Gracie

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  42. Gracie, Colleen and A Lady's Life, thank you for your hugs and prayers and support.

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  43. It is so hard to read a post like this. My heart breaks for you. There are better times ahead. You are strong-- you will get there.

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  44. JBR, I think we go through depression and pain as you describe when we've been working really hard on recovery for a while. It seems like in some ways our emotions are saying, "Let's take a break, lady!" Don't forget that He has you carved in the palm of His Hand--He won't drop you!
    Lisa

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  45. JBR, you were the first person God put on my heart this morning and when I read your post, I knew why. You sound utterly exhausted!

    You are entitled to feel run-down. You have been working very hard lately and I know God is working on healing your pain. Don't allow others to keep you from making that progress that you desperately need.

    Rather focus all your remaining energy on praising God for the changes He's made in you and what He is bringing to fulfilment in you. And as you lift Him up, you will feel Him lifting you up. It is an awesome feeling!

    Hang in there! You're in my prayers. ((Hugs)) S.C.

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  46. I hope you find rest.

    I think you're pretty awesome.

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  47. Tricia thank you for your kind spirit.
    Lisa, I am always happy to see your visit, thank you dear.
    SC thank you so much for your prayers dear!
    Hopeinhealing, welcome and thank you for you kind words!!

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  48. i hope the hopelessness has lifted a bit by now. i know when i get like that not even the brightest sunshine can warm me up. prayers and hugs for you!

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  49. Thank you Shadow. Blessings.

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  50. (((((((((((HUGS))))))))

    I am lost for words, you have such beautiful friends and they and you have beautiful words of wisdom.

    God bless you!

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