Nothing was more evident in “my fear/guilt/shame” category than what I displayed this morning while praying with an “accountability” co-worker.
Even though the door was closed to where we were praying, someone just decide to come on in without knocking. My first reaction was to stop praying and have my full attention to whomever it was that came in. While my prayer partner held tightly to my hands and would not let go and continued to pray. She knows a bit about what is going on with me and has told me after this incident that I need not pull away and to feel safe, to relax, especially working in a Christian environment.
Afterwards I shared that I felt I was doing something wrong by praying, that “I was caught” or something. Such guilt! My emotions and nerves are so raw these days and I feel I am in constant uproar.....
Prayer is fine where I work.
I am comfortable with praying. I have prayed over the years in countless similiar situations where someone may walk in, but would continue to pray outloud. That is not the problem.
I guess since I have been on my journey I am more sensitive than ever for some reason and I feel I am living right on the edge and what happened today may take a while to sort out in my mind and emotions.
I hate how I take on such shame for something I did nothing wrong about. It is how I responded that is upsetting me. There is an underlying reason why I did what I did this morning.
If I need to see why I did what I did, God will usually provide an answer.......
Even though this incident this morning was an eye opener, and not only it hurt and grieved me that I felt such shame, but I feel I grieved the Holy Spirit as well.
and has now come when the true worshipers will worship
the Father in spirit and truth, for they are the
kind of worshipers the Father seeks." - John 4:23
My Heavenly Daddy is healing
me from the inside out.
Transparency is Real.
Many times painful.
Daddy let me be secure in You only!
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guilt. that pops out of nowhere. for something you shouldn't feel guilty about at all. i think we all know what that feels like...
ReplyDeleteMaybe the Holy Spirit merely sent you a learning experience?
ReplyDeleteHow about we look through different eyes at this mornings events:
ReplyDeleteYou just moved one step closer to releasing that ugly shame. You and your co-worker finished your prayer..the Holy Spirit did not allow you to completely pull away...HE held on through your co-worker. GOD just pulled you one step closer.
Today, brought you forward in your journey. Sometimes these steps are painful.
Now, cast the shame aside and know GOD used the circumstances for "HIS GOOD" and "your good."
Much love, prayers, and hugs,
andrea
God will understand. God ALWAYS understands.
ReplyDeleteMy take on it is that prayer is a very personal thing. It is like an intimate conversation with a lover - not something that is anyone's business buy your own. Of course you felt startled when someone walked in.
Think what you would feel if you were the one who opened the door. It would seem like you were intruding on a private moment, wouldn't it?
That's all that happened. It was a private moment. That's why the DOOR WAS CLOSED!
love and peace
PS, did you delete a blog entry? I can't get to the one that is listed before this on my blog page.
ReplyDeleteHi Sweety,
ReplyDeleteYou should never feel guilty about praying. I agree with Shen that prayer is a private thing also. I hope you feel better and can let go of the guilt.
Big Hug!
Prayer with another person embarrasses me. I feel like I have gravel in my throat. But I do it when the circumstances are right. Never apologize for being embarrassed. We none of us are perfect prayers yet, except the One who prayed perfectly for us.
ReplyDeleteDid you feel what you felt because even though the circumstances were positive the emotions that surround the "environment" were not. You were not praying "in the open" and there was just "one other person and you". One time, my Sensei had me come into a room to talk to me privately about someone who had wronged him. He closed the door. It was all innocent but it's a situation I don't like to be in especially when his wife is in the other room. We did nothing wrong but I felt like I had. I don't know why I didn't have the courage to speak up. It's always been like that for me. Most times because when/if I do, it's always met with harsh jugment and/or rage.
ReplyDeleteYou should never be ashamed of your belief and faith.
ReplyDeleteOh honey don't feel guilty. God will reveal to you if need be why you reacted the way you did.
ReplyDeleteI am sure God will use this for growth. We are His children and is always there when we are open. You are such a tender spirit willing to let everything be used by God.
ReplyDeleteYour friend did the right thing. Instead of letting go, she held on tighter to lead you through the emotion. Good for her. We should all be so lucky to have such strong friends. Hugs. Tammy
ReplyDeletePrayer is talking to God.
ReplyDeleteThere is NO WAY talking to God can grieve the Holy Spirit; the Spirit was smiling big time,
Moreover, Christ said where two or more gather in His name, HE is there. You were on holy ground in that time.
To stop at an intrusion is normal.
The person could just have easily announce "evacuate, we are on fire here" and saved you. But the friend proceeded, in the presence of Christ, and I have no doubt, THAT action was for the interrupter! God is working on that person, who saw two in prayer, and the response of continuance no matter what,.... of the more experienced of the two.
Who was grieved here?
Only one....satan.
As you grow and cling to Christ, he not only loses you to the darkness you know, but you become a hand of God in the light, to free captives...as your friend is doing with you.
You are blessed with things too wonderful for you to know.
There was no grieving the Holy Spitit whatsoever. This is a simple throwback to your fears, and as you cling closer to Christ, all that satan has left to scare you is fear.
Expect more of it, and expect to laugh at it as your strength in Christ grows daily.
God....is very, very close to you.
Take off your sandals, as Moses was told at the Burning Bush in God's presence.
You have been in the desert so long, you do not recognize raindrops of love all around you. You see mirage; I see genuine.
From my perspective in what little I have read, you are taking giant steps toward heaven every day. It is an honor to observe.
Do you typically take the blame for the rudeness of others? Prayer is a personal thing in an intimate relationship. I do not expect all of my conversations with God to be over heard by others, anymore than I expect all of my conversations with my husband or friends to be overheard by others.
ReplyDeletePerhaps you grow angry with the wrong person (yourself) when someone else has crossed the boundaries. Perhaps it is because you are afraid you will be less loved if you set a boundary for your personal, emotional safety... Just thinking.
Pray for God to give you the understanding and the purpose of this particular trial for you.
ReplyDeleteSorry that your experience is very painful. Praying for a quick resolution.
ReplyDeleteGrieved the holy spirit? ha ha ha ha C'mon if you want to give grief to God, be an asshole to someone in need. that would be grief to God (among other things) but seriously do you think God forgot what you were saying when you were interrupted?
ReplyDeleteYou have to come to understand that there is nothing about you that God does not understand and is ever willing to wait for you. If there is sin in your post it is the guilt you describe, not the stopping a spiritual moment for a material one. after all God didn't go anywhere and neither did you.
Guilt, fear and, doubt are the things that separate us from God and that is the only definition of sin...anything that separates us from God. Pausing is not separation, guilt and fear are.
Give God a bit of slack ok? He understands and has one hell of a fabulous sense of humor about us who are honestly trying to not be separate.
Be Well and Smile a bit more about your being what you are; which is human.
JBR God knows you heart. He knows what your dealing with and understands. Hang in there.
ReplyDeleteShame is not the same as guilt.
ReplyDeleteWhen we feel guilt, it's about something we did.
When we feel shame, it's about who we are.
When we feel guilty we need to learn
that it's OK to make mistakes.
When we feel shame we need to learn
that it's OK to be who we are!
Shame comes from being taught
that we are worthless or bad or something similar.
It comes in childhood from adults who say things like:
"You'll never amount to anything!"
"You are worthless!"
"I wish you were never born!"
"Shame on you!"
It also comes from severe physical discipline
since each hit of the hand or fist or belt says to the child:
"You don't matter at all!
Only what you do matters!"
And shame comes from being humiliated for our behavior.
It comes from adults who say:
"What would the neighbors think of you if they knew...?"
"You look ridiculous!"
"Don't you have any pride?"
"What's wrong with you anyway!?"
And it comes from being threatened
with shaming, or physical discipline, or humiliation.
When we are threatened with these things,
the psychological message is the same:
"I can and will treat you any way I want to...
You are a worthless weakling at my disposal!"
People who are shamed
have to live in the same world as all the rest of us
but they have to live in it
with the deep-down conviction that they are worthless.
The amount of continuous pressure
a deeply shamed person feels is immense.
When they are doing well,
they think it's only a matter of time
before they are discovered as useless.
When they make mistakes,
they expect a terrifying degree of anger
from the people they disappoint.
Every act is a "test"
- and they are convinced
that it's only a matter of time
before they fail completely.
Some people who are convinced they are worthless
live out their lives to prove that they are worthless!
The most severe alcoholics, drug addicts,
and impulsive criminals are good examples.
Like all of us, they have a deep need to be known and to be seen
and to be recognized "for who I really am."
But since they actually believe they are worthless,
they have a strong need to prove their worthlessness
to everyone in their lives.
They don't hurt their families and friends because they don't love them
or because they want to hurt them.
They hurt their families and friends
out of this need to be "known"
- and out of the wrong belief that they are worthless.
Most people who are convinced they are worthless
live out their lives trying to prove they DO have worth.
These are the people who are constantly worried
about what you think of them,
and who constantly think
that you are judging them.
When you tell them they did a good job
they feel good for a few minutes,
but they soon feel worthless again
(and think that you wouldn't like them
if you "really" knew them).
If you tell them they did a poor job
they will either feel a strong urge to cry
or they will show an immense amount of anger
at you for saying such a "horrible" thing!
They don't understand
you are only commenting on the last thing they did.
They think you are commenting on them,
and on their worthlessness as human beings.
People who've been deeply shamed
need to be fully loved and accepted and valued!
Some people find a lover who deeply accepts, loves, and values them.
Others find a group of friends who deeply accept, love, and value them.
Most people need a therapist along the way
who shows them their value,
and who, perhaps more importantly,
helps them to stop
all the repetitious self-talk about their lack of worth.
Every person who is overcoming shame
will need to have many sources of love and acceptance.
One lover or friend or therapist is never enough.
Overcoming shame takes a long time.
But it is well worth it for the moment
when the deeply shamed person finally says
with unmistakable surprise and amazement in their voice:
"You know, I really am a good person!"
Shame is difficult to bear. That's why christ died for us to take our shame away. God Bless.
ReplyDeleteAnd hope does not disappoint us, because God has poured out his love into our hearts by the Holy Spirit, whom he has given us. Romans 5:5
you're braver than I am. I couldn't pray at work and even praying with someone else is so hard for me. I think you're amazing. Don't let the shame block you. I'm routing for you. I'm in your corner. Your journey has become a part of mine. Sarah
ReplyDeleteHave'nt been around in a few days. All I can share on this subject of shame or guilt is its not yours. Satans favorite ploys to get us to believe that we're this aful person. God loves you and has taken that guilt and shame upon his Son Jesus not you.
ReplyDeleteSend that guilt straight back to hell where it belongs sweetie.
ReplyDeleteI think when this happesn to me it is best for me to do exactly what you did - be open to it, acknowledge it and be aware for the next time...
ReplyDeleteSometimes I am unreasonable in my actions, thoughts because of how I learned growing up and conditioning myself for change takes time and patience.
I wish you muxh time and patience with yourself. (hugs)
When we accept Christ as our Savior, His righteousness is placed upon us. It is not our own semblance of righteousness (which is as filthy rags) that clothes us, but Christ's own perfection (which is as robes of white).
ReplyDeleteVery nice post. I am thinking a lot about my reactions right now...Interesting, I may write about it. Thanks for the thoughts. And I do hope that you come to your answers. You are amazing. THanks for being there for me too.
ReplyDeletea friend sent me your blog address. said i couldlearn from some of the topcics your discussing. ive checked through a few of your posts have many more to go over but i do find lost i can relate to unfortunatly.
ReplyDeleteDon't allow guilt to rear its ugly head. You were interrupted in a very private and intimate moment. Prayer is a very private action and it is understandable that anyone would want to keep it so.
ReplyDeleteDon't let the enemy convince you that you feel guilt. And especcially don't let him make you think that you grieved the Holy Spirit. It's like stopping an intimate conversation with a friend when a stranger enters the room. Even though you don't neccessarily want to hide anything from them, you also don't want to share it with them. And that's okay. Hope you feel better soon! Love, S.C.