"Yet a time is coming
and has now come when the true worshipers will worship
the Father in spirit and truth, for they are the
kind of worshipers the Father seeks." - John 4:23

My Heavenly Daddy is healing
me from the inside out.

Transparency is Real.
Many times painful.

Daddy let me be secure in You only!

Tuesday, September 01, 2009

DEEP PAIN


Today was a struggle for me in trying to share in t. the level of my pain and sadness which has been with me for however long I can remember. The pain is with me when I rise and only quiets when I am asleep. Over the years it has become a part of me, melting into my very being. Inasmuch as I am trying to deal with “my issues," the pain of sadness has become more like a sore that just never heals. Before I was able to cover it up with humor, denial and co-dependent relationships.

Since therapy, I have seen great improvements in many areas in my life. Still there are some deep struggles that need dealing with.

No matter how much I try and share the level of sadness with ‘choice’ others, I still become frustrated, and shameful (like how dare I struggle with these feelings) as I do not feel I get my point across clearly and I just feel no one understands the ferocity of my emotional pain. The depths of my emotional pain, the hurts, the aches and pains in my body, the irrational fears, the longings, the desires, the shame, etc., I feel only God can grasp the fullness of! I do know that He uses others to help us along and point things out on our journey, but the intensity of the deep woundedness only He can fully understand and heal.

I know I need to accept "where I am right now" that it is okay to feel this way! That I am allowed to just be. That I need not feel like I am a failure.

Just by me knowing I need to do this and blog about it is a step in the right direction.

I really do not want this post to be a “please don’t bash yourself JBR,” as I do know better.

But, I do not know any other way of putting it, except.....

I am hurting!!!!

33 comments:

  1. JBR,
    I feel this way each and everyday. My Pastor once called me the wounded healer. Sweetheart God does know and this is how I too get through my day. I do feel peace within me that only comes from God but sometimes I think I was just meant to feel things intensely.

    Hugs!

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  2. {{{{{{{JBR}}}}}}}}

    I'm sorry you are hurting so badly. God really does understand our pain, but sometimes it is difficult to even talk with Him about it. I understand and am thinking of you.

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  3. awwe so sorry to hear about your day and struggles. I have much pride on my plate and need to deal with things that have happened to me. See, for me, I am scared of being that victim so I look strong from the outside. I am terrified of falling apart. How do I fall apart and still maintain healthy and live life manageably for my children (they need me sain). I envy your courage of feeling that pain and sharing it with others. Looks like you have an amazing support system on blogger. God bless you and I pray Jesus Christ just wraps his loving arms around you today

    I just experienced flash backs (never thought that was even possible). I go through waves and I feel so ashamed for who I am most days. It just doesn't seem fair. I really want to be happy. I am a happy person –full of life. I don't want it to eat me. I want it to be my slave and I want to be a master over it. I'm just so mad at all the injustice of it all. How does it all fit in? Why do they get away with it all? Then I see my sin (oh how my Christ Jesus washed my blemishes and junk). Still, I probably wouldn't have to gone through all the crapolla that had happen to me if my dam family would've just kept their hands off of me. Anyhoo, can't feel sorry, can't feel pain I'm too afraid of the final outcome. I see Jesus, but how do I get from here to there and maintain spirited going through it all. I love my children sooo much and I want them to see that in me. Ahhhhhh---bla bla bla!!! Anyhoo, I probably won't help much (you don't need somebody like me to rain on your parade). Just want to say I care and pray!!

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  4. I'm sorry you're hurting hon. I sooooo understand what you are speaking of.
    Where you are right now... the lessons you are learning... they are an important part of who you are becoming.
    He who began a good work in you, WILL continue and complete it. God is with you.
    Be gentle with yourself.

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  5. I'm so sorry you're hurting right now. I know how hard it is to talk in T - to "share" your pain...scared that no one will understand, or you'll be judged...I am so sorry you're struggling right now.
    Returning all of your ((HUGS))
    And sitting together in a safe place where we can "share" the pain...
    My heart, Grace

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  6. I want to thank you for sharing your emotions. Don't ever apologize for them. They are a part in your process to heal and they need to be dealt with since you held them in for so so long. God knows you pain, He lost His son, and Jesus does as well, He lost His life!

    Praying for you sweet soul that God will restore you peace and give you rest. Pour out your feelings to Him.

    Love and Hugs ~ Kat

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  7. I love you, and I am truly sorry that you are hurting. I appreciate you be so willing to share your heart. Never be ashamed to share your feelings, there are yours, and you have the right to express them. I am praying for you.

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  8. You are loved and of extremely high value exactly where you are at this moment. Your pains and hurts are part of you. They are deep and may take a long time to heal, but you are never alone as this healing takes place. You have so many praying you on in your efforts. And God will always hold you close.

    God bless,
    PG

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  9. Sorry your hurting JBR nad today was a struggle for you. Thinking about you.

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  10. Your picking up where your abuser left off. You can't let him keep hurting you. Stop playing those old tapes. Today's the first day of the rest of your life. I prayed for a gratefull heart this morning and got it. Peace and love.

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  11. I'm praying for you JBR. You are doing all the right things to get through this, to process the pain. You will get to the other side, you're almost there, don't give up. God will give you the strength, walk with Him. {{{JBR}}}

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  12. Let it hurt and then ask yourself: Why are you letting it hurt you still? Then slowly and steadily walk yourself out of it until the next time you need to let it hurt. Always ask yourself very bluntly: Why I am I letting him,them,they,her-whomever hurt me again today?

    After a while, maybe, you might feel less intense about it. You will always have it but you'll view it differently as you become stronger in your own walk.

    Hugs dear one.
    Tammy

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  13. It is so hard to accept ourselves as we are and where we are at, isn't it? I am with you on this for sure! Hugs.

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  14. Lifting you up my friend.
    xoxo

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  16. I get that way sometimes, all the hurt and bad memories just won't go away.

    I do feel like a failure, but I needed to pep myself, how can we live on if we keep bashing ourselves up for events sometimes through no fault of ours.

    We need time to heal. Starting the blog was my way to get thoughts out of my head and also reading other blogs that could help and inspire me to move on.

    Bear hugs, we all need them.

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  17. JBR, I am so sorry that you are hurting so much. I have nothing to love but my love and my experience that it will pass, it will stop. Hugs

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  18. Is there a place in your community where you can reach out and help others with what you are learning as you go? Take back the power in your life that was stolen from you. The abuses in my life will never be allowed to define me. My ability to rise above is what I hope to be know for.

    Sending prayers to the One who Heals and has gathered the in a bottle. He does give beauty for ashes. Of this I am certain.

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  19. May you feel Gods love and comfort as you work your way through your pain. Call upon him every step of the way. Hes waiting to not only walk beside you but to carry you when you cant walk. God Bless.

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  20. No problem with declaring you hurt when you hurt. All that is required at the moment is an honest expression to yourself of where you are at the moment. Just don't hang on to the moment with a death grip kiddo. It will be less painful when you are ready to let it go.

    Be Well

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  21. stuck-in-the-middleSeptember 02, 2009

    Hang in there JBR!

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  22. I can relate. Having so much inside I often wonder when I am in my recovery group that if my point gets across. Do the acutal members understand exactly what I'm feeling day-in and day-out? Like you said only God can know our most painful struggles. Let him be God and let him do what he needs to as painful as it may be. Even if you feel you're not clear. Hes the only one that really needs to understand.

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  23. If I could I would take some of your pain away...maybe that's it, it's the sharing of it that will diminish it..maybe offering to support others, convincing them they are not alone in their pain will somehow diminish yours. We forget ourselves in the service of others. Isn't that what Jesus taught? So maybe that's where this should go..that this pain that you live with is to be used to help others.

    I'm out of my league with advice in this area but I send love and light and hope it dissipates even a little of the pain in your soul.

    Breeze

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  24. Found this webpage. Maybe it is of interest to you:
    http://survivormanual.blogspot.com/

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  25. hey! good days. not so good days. all part of the process. be easy on yourself!

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  26. What a faithful God we serve! By His tender love for us, our incredible salvation is our strength and firm stability. His wealth of infinite wisdom and perfect knowledge affords us the privilege of trusting in God throughout our lives. Surely we worship an awesome and great Lord!

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  27. JBR, I am sitting here reading your post and crying right along with you. I am very familiar with where you are right now. The struggles during the day and not really receiving the relief we need to rest at night. I am so glad that you are sharing your thoughts and feelings with us rather than keeping them locked within yourself. That alone makes me feel a bit of relief sometimes. I pray for you each and every day my sweet friend. Slow down and deal with life second by second if you have too. I've learned that it's okay to go slow.

    I wish I could just hug you right now and tell you that everything will be okay. Stay strong and remember that prayers are going up for you in NC.

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  28. Wish there was something I could do to help you :(

    Hang in there, you can get past this and one day this awful pain will be in your past.

    Hugs

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  29. Sometimes we just really do hurt. Honoring that means we're saying to ourselves that we matter, that what was done to us was wrong. And in the end, it is by going through the pain that finally we can get to joy. ((((((hugs))))))

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  30. (((JBR)))

    You are doing the right thing by reaching out to God. Only He can truly understand our hurts. I understand the frustration that comes with not being able to verbalize it... and thinking no one understands.

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  31. The pain you speak of is understood by those of us who carry it, numb it, and try to survive it. I'm thankful today to see that you are experiencing it ... because pain, I'm told, is the pathway to peace. God bless.

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