"Yet a time is coming
and has now come when the true worshipers will worship
the Father in spirit and truth, for they are the
kind of worshipers the Father seeks." - John 4:23

My Heavenly Daddy is healing
me from the inside out.

Transparency is Real.
Many times painful.

Daddy let me be secure in You only!

Friday, September 04, 2009


****Explicit Language****

This post has two parts, as I wanted to supply the authors advice for help.

Trusting Yourself

“When children are abused, it’s threatening for them to trust their own perceptions. It was unbearable to acknowledge that the neighbor who pushed you on the swings and gave you birthday presents also made you touch his penis. It was too terrifying to admit that your mother, who went to work to support you and stayed up late to make you a dollhouse, had a scary smile on her face when she touched your genitals. So you pretended they weren’t doing these things or that these things were really all right. The lengths to which children go to distort their perceptions are striking.

When my father would come into my room at night, I would think, “That’s not my father. That’s an alien being.” I’d look at these people doing these things to me and think, “Invaders have taken over their bodies.” And these invaders were doing things to me. The original was still out there somewhere and why wouldn’t they come back? I’d think, “Daddy, why did you let those aliens take your body over?”

If the significant adults in your life told you that your experiences didn’t really happen, or that they happened in ways radically different from how you perceived them, you probably became confused and distressed, unsure what was real.

A father can stroke his daughter’s breast and explain it away by saying, “I’m just tucking you in.” A daughter can tell her mother that her stepfather touched her in a funny way. The mother can respond, “Oh honey, that was just a dream.”

It can also be terrifying to trust your inner voice if you’re afraid of what it will tell you. One survivor explained: “My greatest fear is that if I listen to my insides, I will become crazy like my mom. She’s often said to me, “You have the same kind of powers I do.” So the message is if I listen to my insides, I will really become off the wall. If I listen to my inner voice, I will drift into my own inner world, which is really crazy.” (The Courage to Heal)

The Inner Voice

“Within all of us, there is a wise, authentic inner voice that can tell us how we feel. If it’s been covered over or if you don’t have much practice listening to that voice, it may be very small, just a pipsqueak. Yet it is there. And the more you listen and act on it, the stronger and clearer that voice will grow.

Everyone experiences her inner voice differently. You may have bad dreams. You may get headaches. You may become exhausted. You may have a sudden urge to binge on cookies. Or you may notice you’ve cleaned the house twice in two days. The important thing is not what you experience but that you recognize it as a message.

Ellen discovered a few years ago that every time she was about to make a poor decision for herself, she’d get a tight, anxious feeling in her stomach:

Looking back, I could see that that simple physical warning had been there throughout my life, but I’d never before given it a hearing. I’d never stopped and said, hey, what is this squeamish feeling in my stomach telling me? Once I began to listen and to respect this feeling, I began making much better decisions for myself. Now, whenever I feel it, I stop what I’m doing and take a minute to trace where the feeling originated. This information has been immensely valuable.” (The Courage to Heal)

As I journey on through my way to freedom, some things are becoming more clearer and sensitive to my spirit. Where I can “check” now what I am sensing is authentic and not doubt as much to what I am feeling or experiencing.


  1. It's a crime how the innocents were taken advantage of. Makes my skin crawl. God Bless.

  2. stuck-in-the-middleSeptember 04, 2009

    Powerful post JBR.

  3. I pray for you daily as you continue on your journey dear one, love you.

  4. As stuck-in-the-middle said, this is a very powerful post. Learning to trust your perceptions after childhood abuse must be enormously difficult. Keep working on that, JBR.

  5. that inner voice is a something not to be ignored.

  6. Hurting the innocence of a child to me, is an unforgiveable sin.

    There is sexual abuse and there is also a psychological one. We see that by having to rob a child of his or her innocence to protect him/her from abuse,means there is something definitely wrong with people and the lifestyles they lead.
    They make it so nothing is sacred anymore.
    Well someday it will be. Everyone gets what's coming to them sooner or later. There is justice and in the end it will prevail.
    Chin up.

  7. This is so sad. The world can really be sick and selfish.

  8. You are a constant encourager here with the strength you have shown as you take steps further toward healing. God bless you JBR and may He sustain you with His wisdom, strength and comfort.

  9. The greatest diservice a parent can do to a child is NOT believe them. How painful. How do you ever rebuild a trust such as this. I can't imagine. You are doing well being very frank about your feelings. I encourage to continue. Hugs. Tammy

  10. Bravery is what I call ths post and anyone it affects. Any kind of abuse is wrong whether sexual, battery any kind! For someone to go through it and be able to share to help others is tremendous and a blessing.

  11. Thank you for continuing to share from your heart.
    Blessings and prayers, andrea

  12. Wow, this is such great work you are doing. Yes, it took me years to trust myself and my senses and what was real. That's interesting that you came up with the aliens thing. We do so much to keep ourselves sane when we're little...then we have to undo it to live the rest of our lives.

  13. Hi JBR,

    Just reading some of these excerpts makes me sick and gives me goose bumps. I keep you in my prayers. Just remember they can not hurt you any more.

  14. I'm just beginning to recognize my inner voice. I pushed it down for so long and pretended she wasn't there. Now I hear, but still lack the strength and courage to make different choices. Old patterns of behavior are so difficult to change. But at least I'm no longer in denial about it.

    Thanks for YOUR courage and honesty. I recognize myself in so much of what you post here. Keep up the good work!

  15. I so appreciate that you post these excerpts with your commentary. It amazes me what gets buried in order to protect a child from the trauma. I have read recently that a child not being believed can be as harmful if not more than the abuse itself. Why would a child lie about such painful events? Thanks again for posting. <3

  16. I think anyone who abuses a child should be sent to a special place to live in the desert with no water and hung upside down for 8 of every 24 hours in a day. So, you're doing a good job educating yourself on how to walk out of the pain. I doubt I'd be so thoughtful.

  17. A family member of mine was raped at six years old. It traumatized her so much that she repressed it for over thirty years. She has suffered so much from this. Who would do such a thing to a little child?!!

  18. “Within all of us, there is a wise, authentic inner voice that can tell us how we feel.

    I truly believe this -- just sometimes my inner voice is whispering when it should be shouting at the top of its lungs.

    Great post,

  19. This does get better with time! There are times even now where my perception of people and/or situations make me feel like "am I crazy"? As I calm down and think about the person/situation I come to the conclusion that "hey I am not crazy after all!"

    As you progress you will hopefully try to trust your perceptions and instincts more. I am coming to find out that usally my first perception or instinct is usually the correct one!