"Yet a time is coming
and has now come when the true worshipers will worship
the Father in spirit and truth, for they are the
kind of worshipers the Father seeks." - John 4:23

My Heavenly Daddy is healing
me from the inside out.

Transparency is Real.
Many times painful.

Daddy let me be secure in You only!

Friday, October 16, 2009


****Possible Triggers****

“As a child or an adolescent, you might have made attempts to run away from a home in which you were being abused. Or you might have escaped through sleep, books, or video games. Many adult survivors still read obsessively. One woman said, “I’d buy a junk novel and read it till I fell asleep, usually for a good thirty-six hours at a stretch.” Others spend most of their lives in front of the TV or a computer screen.

If you couldn’t bear to believe the abuse was really happening, you might have pretended something else was going on. Sometimes children create fantasies that explore their desire for power in a powerless situation. One woman dreamed of a little house she could live in all by herself, with locks on all doors.” Another spent her childhood dreaming of revenge:

I’d watch Perry Mason to get ideas about how to kill my father. It was really the best of times. Every day I would get a new method. However the person was murdered on Perry Mason that day, I would go to bed that night, and that’s how I would kill my father. One time on Perry Mason this guy killed his wife by knocking an electric fan into the bathtub. I imagined electrocuting him like that. I remember really vividly fantasizing about putting ground glass in the meatloaf. I was the cook. I thought about stabbing him, shooting him. Every night I killed him in another way.” (The Courage to Heal)

To forget about my pain, I played sports from almost dawn to dusk with the neighborhood kids, if I was not at school. That was my escape. I really did have so much fun with the other kids!!

At the same time, I also created a fantasy la-la world. A world where I was in control and could pick my own scripts and actors. Usually creating a world of getting some kind of “rush or sensation” I guess in order to ‘feel’ and be happy for however brief.

A lot of the time acting out my scenarios on my own. Later, including some of my friends who were willing to participate in my world. Hey, they thought I was a bit weird, but went along with some of them.


  1. I did the same thing, although my scenarios were projected in thoughts to allow me to get to sleep at night. Scenarios that had me in perilous situations, generally having to do with more abuse and being cared for by medical personnel. It's those projections that made me feel as though I was getting the support and love that I craved so much. I completely understand!

  2. I was not an abused child but I was an abused wife. I escaped into my writing. But then I found out that, not only had he found and read my journals, but had photocpoied them and kept them in a file. I stopped writing for years and even now I cannot seem to keep a journal with any real truth in it...even though my second marriage is bliss.

  3. Thanks for being so truthful, love you.

  4. I read a lot....but also did have a lot of GREAT TIMES outside my home.

    A million hugs to you..

  5. Every story of abuse is a orrible one.


  6. Although I didn't suffer abuse at the hands of my parents, I was abused by other relatives... cousins, my Grandfather and by a raging maniac who was supposedly my best friend's boyfriend. I have been reading some of your posts, and plan to visit more often. Thank you for your honesty and willingness to share your story. Blessings, DD.

  7. Yepp, can relate very much so. I turned to classical ballett because it is pure, innocent, disciplined and I presented someone else. Not enough of that I created a fake idendity to not be me. Getting rid of that fake idendity took my probably 15 yeras. Terrible time with good outcome. Love your honesty. I never would have dared 20 years ago to write about my abuse. Thanks for being out there. Thanks for sharong and reminding me what I have managed to leave behind. Showing you that it can be left behind. Love to you

  8. JBR-unfortunately, I'd be the guy under the window catching her. Out of the frying pan...~rick

  9. I escaped in so many ways - drawing, painting, writing, dissociating, and a whole lot of denial. I knew I was angry, I often thought that I hated my father. I felt guilty for feeling that way, and still do. He wasn't bad all the time. I still cling to the idea that he didn't mean to hurt me...

  10. I also day dreamed a lot growing up, trying to escape an unhappy home.

  11. It was tv for me and a fantasyland all in my head.