This entry really touches my pain very deeply. I kept putting off posting this one as long as I could, as the reality of it is really hard for me! Every time I went for the book and had to go past this section, the pain just shot through me like an arrow.
But, I felt, with much prayer, to go ahead and post it now in hopes it may help me understand a bit better after I type, proofread and give my thoughts on the topic and hopefully benefit anyone else out there as well:
“If you are fortunate enough to be part of a supportive family or community, you have a safety net that will provide great comfort and be a source of strength. But many survivors are severely isolated. One woman, Krishnabai, recalled an experience that made her isolation glaringly obvious:
I got into a car accident. A drunken driver plowed into me. I went into the hospital and the doctor said, “Well, I think you’re okay. But I don’t want you to be alone for the night. Do you have a roommate?”
I said, “No.”
And he said, “Do you have a friend you can call?”
I said, “No.”
He said, “Do you have any family you can call?”
I said, “No.”
And he looked at me with this incredible compassion and said, “Is there anyone there for you in your life?”
And I thought about it, and I said, “No.”
After a lifetime of loneliness, it can be hard to develop close relationships. Yet finding safe people and learning to trust is at the heart of the healing process. You already suffered the abuse alone. You don’t have to heal in the same lonely isolation.” (The Courage to Heal)
I can so relate to Krishnabai. I would be saying the exact same words to the doctor as well.
Even though I can be among many at work and carry on a conversation, I feel isolated. Even though I can be among many at church and carry on a conversation, I feel isolated. And my dear blogger friends, if it were not for you and your encouragement things would be even harder.
I can certainly agree that it is tremendously HARD to develop any close relationships. People are set in their ways, and have their own set of friends and many do not want to make the effort.
I cannot blame being sexually abused the total fault of the way I am today. The divorce of my parents, abandonment/low self-esteem issues, their alcoholism, the neglect, and then the controlling of my mother who forced me into her own world of “her and I” for oh so many years so she felt safe, are major contributing factors as well.
Despite my loneliness, knowing that I do have a God that cares, sometimes just does not cut it! The pain cuts deep! I struggle to feel His comfort. I struggle with will this pain ever cease? But, I do need HIM!!
My prayer, despite my tremendous fear in stepping out, as I gain more confidence and persevere with reaching out myself to others, getting more involved in activities and heal, is that the Lord will provide me trusting people that will respect, understand and take me seriously for who I am.
I am tired of performing. I am tired of being an observer in life. I am tired of feeling different. I am tired of being lonely!