"Yet a time is coming
and has now come when the true worshipers will worship
the Father in spirit and truth, for they are the
kind of worshipers the Father seeks." - John 4:23

My Heavenly Daddy is healing
me from the inside out.

Transparency is Real.
Many times painful.

Daddy let me be secure in You only!

Sunday, October 11, 2009


This entry really touches my pain very deeply. I kept putting off posting this one as long as I could, as the reality of it is really hard for me! Every time I went for the book and had to go past this section, the pain just shot through me like an arrow.

But, I felt, with much prayer, to go ahead and post it now in hopes it may help me understand a bit better after I type, proofread and give my thoughts on the topic and hopefully benefit anyone else out there as well:

“If you are fortunate enough to be part of a supportive family or community, you have a safety net that will provide great comfort and be a source of strength. But many survivors are severely isolated. One woman, Krishnabai, recalled an experience that made her isolation glaringly obvious:

I got into a car accident. A drunken driver plowed into me. I went into the hospital and the doctor said, “Well, I think you’re okay. But I don’t want you to be alone for the night. Do you have a roommate?”
I said, “No.”
And he said, “Do you have a friend you can call?”
I said, “No.”
He said, “Do you have any family you can call?”
I said, “No.”
And he looked at me with this incredible compassion and said, “Is there anyone there for you in your life?”
And I thought about it, and I said, “No.”

After a lifetime of loneliness, it can be hard to develop close relationships. Yet finding safe people and learning to trust is at the heart of the healing process. You already suffered the abuse alone. You don’t have to heal in the same lonely isolation.” (The Courage to Heal)

I can so relate to Krishnabai. I would be saying the exact same words to the doctor as well.

Even though I can be among many at work and carry on a conversation, I feel isolated. Even though I can be among many at church and carry on a conversation, I feel isolated. And my dear blogger friends, if it were not for you and your encouragement things would be even harder.

I can certainly agree that it is tremendously HARD to develop any close relationships. People are set in their ways, and have their own set of friends and many do not want to make the effort.

I cannot blame being sexually abused the total fault of the way I am today. The divorce of my parents, abandonment/low self-esteem issues, their alcoholism, the neglect, and then the controlling of my mother who forced me into her own world of “her and I” for oh so many years so she felt safe, are major contributing factors as well.

Despite my loneliness, knowing that I do have a God that cares, sometimes just does not cut it! The pain cuts deep! I struggle to feel His comfort. I struggle with will this pain ever cease? But, I do need HIM!!

My prayer, despite my tremendous fear in stepping out, as I gain more confidence and persevere with reaching out myself to others, getting more involved in activities and heal, is that the Lord will provide me trusting people that will respect, understand and take me seriously for who I am.

I am tired of performing. I am tired of being an observer in life. I am tired of feeling different. I am tired of being lonely!


  1. Me, too. I can be in a room full of people and still feel isolated. I function in the group, but still do not always feel connected. I am definitely still a work in progress.
    Thank you, andrea

  2. Feeling isolated, not trusting others with who I really am, not trusting me to be able to protect myself and my inner child, still having problems asking for help, admitting that I even need help and that I can't do it alone, those are still hard things to deal with. I do understand.

  3. Having feelings of isolation can be devestating. Not that this problm is a primary one for me, I can suffer from feeling alone at times. I'm sorry for your pain.

  4. aawww hon. Wish I could sit with you for awhile. I feel this post deep in my heart. I too know what isolation is like.
    God is crazy about you. He won't leave you abandoned. He will finish this process that He has started. "The darkness is not dark to Him"

  5. Sorry for your pain. Wish I could offer more. Continue to put your trust in God.

  6. (((JBR))) I am sorry for your pain and feelings of lonliness. As I read your words tears formed in my eyes...it's hard, despite being surrounded by so many people, the feelings of being 'different' sometimes resound and prevent us from connecting with others.
    I have a very outgoing funny - life of the party part...she is so witty and fun, never uncomfortable in any situation...and I stand behind her, watching her "connect" and I am envious of her.

  7. did A google search on isolation and your stite came up. Good stuff.

  8. I can so relate to the pain to the pain and isolation you feel. I seem to become more isolated as years go by. Do not make the same mistake. Try opening up to one person. Slow one step at a time.

  9. I don't know where you live, but if we were near each other and you needed a friend to be with you, I would be there.


  10. Your name holds so true. Your realness of your pain is evident and I'm sorry. Praying that you will sense Gods peace and comfort the best you can. God Bless.

  11. JBR,

    Here is hoping that God will begin to restore those friendships in your life so that you won't be like the person listed above with no one to count on. Trust in Him to bring the right people into your life.

    Love and Hugs ~ Kat

  12. for me, I believed I was different, wrong, bad. If people got too close they would see that and leave. Now, I have to force myself to not isolate. It just feels more comfortable than being with people. Hang in there. You're doing so awesome and taking so many risks. Your courage encourages me. Sarah

  13. JBR,I think that is why I started to blog.it helps me keep my self stable.Even if I do not post a lot about me as some do.I can so relate to the postings of other.I have been there maybe not as much as some.

  14. JBR, you are not alone in feeling alone. I can totally relate to everything your saying. What makes me feel guilty is that I do have family and friends who care and would be there for me. Yet, somehow I still feel isolated and alone. I was actually on the phone tonight with a dear friend in another state tearfully discussing this exact topic. The times I've felt the best in my life and weathered struggles the best were when I actually didn't feel alone. Then I moved about 7 weeks ago to a place where I know no one, and even though I haven't lost any friends or family they are further away and those same isolation feelings are settling back in increasing depression and anxiety. That was probably more than you wanted to know, but anyways, thanks for sharing and I understand.

  15. Thanks so much for visiting and becoming a follower of my blog. I came over here (to your blog) to visit and join yours and I decided I needed to read your posts when I can concentrate. I would like to get to understand you better and I think you have life stories to share, but I just got back from a 3 hour drive and my eyes won't focus... so I will be back... I'm looking forward to visiting again tomorrow!

  16. Thanks so much for joining my blog!
    I recognize your name now from seeing it on my dear friend Colleen Spiro's blog comments...yes?
    I am glad that you feel you need God...even if you can't feel Him at times.
    The thing about being so empty is that there's so much room for HIM TO FILL US UP, right?
    I look forward to visiting here again.
    I wish you PEACE.

  17. I understand that feeling of isolation. I'm so sorry you are in that place. I hope it will not always be so.

  18. JBR,
    In God's eyes you are unique and special. There is only one of you and God loves the true JBR. You only need to be yourself. When we are young and don't receive the love we need, we close are true selves up and try to become what others want us to be because we crave love. This is baggage we don't need. God loves what He knows we are... not what other people think we are. The first thing that you are is God's child and He loves you with a love that frees you to be yourself. I am praying for you.

  19. I understand the solitude you need.
    Great post.

  20. I could have written this post. I am very lonely and I am not able to trust anyone. I don't go to church because I don't even trust God.

    Missing my family is definitely detrimental to my healing, but they want no part of it. The one person I have who would do anything for me is my daughter. Without her, I would not be here.

    You are very brave in sharing this post and very courageous in declaring you are not going to stand for being lonely anymore and for being determined to take that first step. Let us all know how it goes. I'm not yet so brave. You go girl!

  21. I struggle with this myself. A lot... even more than I like to admit to myself. I'm praying for you ... that God will send you friends you can trust and that will be there for you.

  22. Praying for God to send you many friends, that will sweetly bless you.

  23. Take care and have a good week. You're doin fine. ~rick

  24. stuck-in-the-middleOctober 12, 2009

    Hang in there JBR! I understand your pain and I'm sorry.

  25. Have you ever felt that nobody understands what you’re going through—including God?

    If you’re unmarried, you may feel that way most of the time. You haven't yet found another person you can share your deepest, most intimate secrets with.

    In the midst of our loneliness, we forget that Jesus Christ understands us even better than we understand ourselves. Jesus knows about loneliness.

  26. i instinctively go it alone too. it is so so hard to form a part of anything for me...

  27. Thanks for stopping by my blog and sharing a comment.

    I have found in my most lonely hours and darkest days, if I placed my focus on helping someone else, in their need, whether in thought or deed, it actually ministered to my own soul & spirit! Sometimes it helps to get self out of the way awhile. At least it's been true in my case.

  28. Yes, I know! It's the terrible thing of our world nowadays! I felt that loneliness for years! Until I found my husband, who was a loner too. And then, two lonely persons made the family that each one of us in fact never had! Blessings of God...

  29. (((hugs)))

    when I confronted my family with the abuse they all told me I was crazy and stopped talking to me. I went a year and a half talking to none if them. I now have a limited relationship with a handful if them. But holidays are hard bc i'm not invited so it reminds me of my isolation.

    Happy belated birthday JBR.

  30. Pain of isolation is very familiar to me. I dont wish it upon anyone. Ipray that you will find good friends if not a companion.

  31. The problem is not one of solitude but of exile. I can spend days, weeks, months, years comfortably alone and think nothing of it. yet when I am desirous of being in a place I am not allowed or can not go I find great trouble within that same soul that likes being alone.

    It took a long time to find a key. I had to step outside and look at me through the eyes of another human and it was painful. I had erected huge tall and thick walls around me and sent my heart to the deepest portion of that edifice.

    I too wanted to be accepted and a part of what I saw others enjoying, but how?

    I had to go against every single instinct I had within me and trust. Odd thing was though the walls took decades to construct, by trusting that there are actually people who have no ill will towards me they came down in heart beat.

    Trust in the Lord with all thine heart...

  32. I'm glad you were able to post this JBR. It's so real that we may be in the company of others yet still feel isolated...Because of hypocrisy, sometimes, I feel I'd rather be alone...and you're right...we do need Him...despite the pain. God bless you and may you find that comfort that comes from Him. Take care.

  33. Gosh, my heart goes out to you as I read this.

    Like the many comments above, I too, know what isolation is about.

    It's taken me years to come to the point where I am able to reach out to people and form meaningful, sustaining relationships (and I have very FEW of these). It's still not easy for me, but at least today I have those very few people who I could call on if I was in a similar situation to the lady in the car accident.

    My heart rejoices at your bravery to post this. I've no doubt God is working in your life as you deal with these things, as you grow in Him.

    We are indeed so blessed that we have such a great Savior, that He gives us His Holy Spirit to live inside, and that He is always with us.

  34. Keep praying. He WILL answer. I'm praying for you, too.

  35. Believe it or not you are in a great place for you are on the cusp of knowing who you are and putting aside all that has made you the victim and taking full control of you and tuning into your authentic self. You in turn will come to know the love that you are and in doing so will attract many others into your life who will provide love to you and you someone to love. Blessings my dear one!

  36. I am in awe!!

    Awe with all the responses!

    It is amazing how the Holy Spirit can orchestrate a topic to become so popular in helping others along also with their journey. It is all Him. He gets the glory no matter if the topic is well received or not! There is a purpose to everything.

    I wish I could respond to each and everyone of you, but it would take for ever. I certainly did NOT expect so much attention, compassion and support, and I thank you from the bottom of my heart!! Every single one of your are very special, down to the new visitors. I read each and every one of your entries. I appreciate so much your honesty, your struggles, your encouragement, your advice. I cannot thank you enough!

  37. ((HUGS)) I am so sorry you feel this way. I just stopped by to see you, you are a new follower on my blog. What can I do to help? I will be back to get to know you. I'm not feeling well today and my dad is visiting for 2 weeks so it may be awhile before I'm back but I will try. I have to go pick him up at the airport. Take care and God bless.

  38. Forgot to tell you that the Happiness angel from Willow Tree is my favorite. I actually have the ornament one hanging by my computer. I also have the larger one. Love it!

  39. WOW JBR. You've been through a lot. You're an inspiration to many. Sorry you are in pain. Hope all is better soon.

  40. Thank you for your post it was open and honest. Sometimes I worry what will happen in the future because I too isolate. I don't have quite the problems you have with family, though. However, my family is all "old". I am an only child, an only grandchild, and an only niece with no nephews. Which means that I am the only one of my generation in my family. I am also not in serious relationship (maybe because of the isolating) and I wonder in another twenty years when my parents and uncles are gone will I be like that lady in the book? I will have no one in my life because my family will be gone and I never reached out to anyone else! It teaches a good lesson. People need people.

  41. I read your post (beautifully written) and all the comments. One of the hardest lessons I learned as an adult was to be friends with myself and to like myself and to be comfortable with who I am. Until I was able to do this, the isolation was like a bubble that would not burst holding me distant from everyone.
    From the comments I would say that you are less isolated than many who surround themselves with empty relationships and crowds of people!
    Praying and hoping you are able to healthily continue your journey into the uncertainty of personal interaction. It's much more fun to be an actor in life's drama than to be an observer watching the movie! The more you pracice the easier it gets..

  42. I have been blessed with the heritage of Godly parents and a supportive family. Many times I take this for granted and then I read posts like this one and realize that for many people, this was not the case.

    "If not for God" is the theme song of millions world-wide. I am grateful to Him that you were rescued and wrapped up in His arms

    May you be blessed as you write with truth and transparency

  43. i stumbled here today. clicked on a comment of a blogger i read often. came here. read this. i think anyone who is honest would admit that they have felt the chill of isolation. being made in the image of God, we long to know and be known. we can only snack on it on this side of heaven. the feast is yet to come. that truth doesn't always satisfy though does it? i know. i've been there. much of what i read today in your post reminded me of the writings of henri nouwen. have you read any of his stuff? you would find a kindred spirit in his writings.

    "instead of running away from our loneliness and trying to forget or deny ti, we have to protect it and turn it into a fruitful solitude...the movement of loneliness to solitude, however, is the beginning of any spiritual life because it is the movement from the restless senses to the restful spirit, from the outward-reaching cravings to the inward reaching search, from the fearful clinging to the fearless play." reaching out by henri nouwen.

  44. Isn't it amazing how you can stand in a crowd of people and feel utter loneliness? Isn't it amazing that you can be with family you love and feel utter loneliness? I know all about that too. My life has been a soap opera of abuse and suffering many trials and tribulations.

    But if it were not for my faith in the Lord, I wouldn't have survived and brought out of the many fires and blessed so abundantly!

    I pray that you and I and all who have suffered such terrible tribulations will be healed and the God will use those healings to draw us closer to Him and to others who need our ministering.

  45. I appreciate your honesty and absolute essence here. I feel fortunate to have found this blog and look forward to reading more. I can relate to this one single post on many levels and have gone through MUCH to reside in a place within myself of true HOPE and JOY without denying REAL LIFE stuff. Thank you for sharing.

  46. I am overwhelmed with your honesty. I empathize with your pain.

    So many are afraid to share their hearts. Often, we are more fearful of reality than any other thing.

    May the Lord help us to be real. Really real!!!

    To search our hearts and pour out our feelings to God, our Father.

    To not be afraid of truth.

    How I appreciate your thoughts, dear friend. Keep writing for Jesus and for all who read and receive.

    In His Love,


  47. Oh, I feel your pain.
    Such an honest post.

    There are times when I feel lonely but it's then when I reach out to those that I know who love and care for me and the loneliness is greatly eased.

    I also am comforted that in my lonely times I have a special friend that I can cry out to ... God! God does ease the pain so much.

    Thank you for your visit and follow.

    May today bring you joy and blessings.


  48. Sexual abuse rarely happens in a vacuum. In fact, I'm not sure it can unless there is alcoholism or other family dysfunctions involved. We often come from families that have no people skills. Our parents were likely isolated (otherwise there would have been people we could tell) so they could not model friendship skills for us. As adults, we have to learn how to be and have friends--something kids in healthy families learn growing up. (((((((hugs)))))))

  49. It can really magnify our pain when we realise that we are in fact alone, with no one to help us carry the load. I will pray for you to find the courage to open up to the wonderful people God will undoubtedly send onto your path to help you through this time!

  50. Delightful blog with powerful message. Sorry for the pain. Hope it gets better.

  51. a well written thoughtfull blog written on such a senstive issue

  52. JBR, let's all hold hands virtually.
    I feel the same way, now more than ever, the stigma of a Divorce makes it worse. You went through so much pain and my problems aren't all that horrifying but I am having problems too. Although I want to be close, I do not want to come across a fake, just to make friends. I don't want pretentious friends too. Bless your heart.

  53. I just found your blog tonight and find it so interesting. I know some people are bothered by replies left on old posts, but... going in order of what makes me say 'whoa,' not time.

    This is something I can identify with very much. When surrounded by people there was still no one I could share what I was going through with - wasn't believed, then I'd have to go back home to the people I'd just thrown under the bus. Got used to acting. And because of what was going on at home - not as bad as yours, but bad enough - I had to hide everything I did, thought, or felt (anything you did can be used as an excuse to hurt you, anything about you becomes information on how to better do it.)

    I only feel safe when alone and unknown. But it's not better, really: life's not easy to do alone, and the times I'm with true friends are so beautiful. And... no thoughts but my own, no ideas but my own, no activities but what I can think of to do just gets *boring!* I don't feel this gnawing loneliness people feel, but there's a certain dissatisfaction; my world isn't as full or as colorful as it could be. Sometimes we're alone by choice - we learned early and often that leaning on others isn't an option and we stick to those lessons. But we can't do it alone. I'm glad you found God - I don't know if he's real or not, but what your faith has done for you certainly is.

  54. This post is a bit dated isn't it (2009), but let me just tell you, it is VERY relevant. I relate to so much of what you have written with such clarity and honesty!
    I hope you are okay.

  55. 'I am tired of performing. I am tired of being an observer in life. I am tired of feeling different. I am tired of being lonely!'

    Yes, this rings true with me too. If we get hurt, we withdraw, but if get hurt by trying to make friends or by trying meet a partner for love and romance, then we are in a bind aren't we? Do we give up, and so consign ourselves to loneliness or do we try again, and risk getting hurt again? This is very painful and an issue that affects many of us. It is a cruel world, and there are cruel and superficial people everywhere, and yet as we see there are also decent people too. I won't offer trite solutions because I don't have any, but I pray you begin to find some inner peace and good friends too.