"Yet a time is coming
and has now come when the true worshipers will worship
the Father in spirit and truth, for they are the
kind of worshipers the Father seeks." - John 4:23

My Heavenly Daddy is healing
me from the inside out.

Transparency is Real.
Many times painful.

Daddy let me be secure in You only!

Monday, October 26, 2009

WISHED I USED A MEANS


I am reading a couple of excellent true autobiographies on incest and sexual abuse from fellow bloggers Colleen Spiro and Erin Merryn.

Not that I am trying to compare, but what I have noticed, just by reading these books and reading a lot of others blogs, are the details in some of you remembering your abuse. Even though you may have dissociated, you still have enough information to remember incidents.

Here is where I am trying not to compare my abuse with any others. True we all had different methods of coping with our trauma.

As a teenager, I never wrote about my pain. That would have been the perfect time to do the writing, as that is where everything fell apart and was the most painful for me. This is where I self taught myself to play guitar and began writing my own songs. But, never did I write about any of my pain. All surface crap. The only way I knew how to express my pain of rage and hurt was bottling it up, and obviously forgetting it. I feel I have missed out so much in NOT expressing what I went through by not venting somehow. I just tuned out of “this world” and created my own “la-la land.”

I guess what I am trying to say is that I wished that I did write, have a means of expressing my pain back then..... That I did have a means of letting my anger out some how in writing or in verbalizing......but nothing. I believe that is why to this day it remains so hard for me to connect (I cannot recall much of memories) the right feelings and feel the right responses to what was done to me in the past.

33 comments:

  1. Sorry that you were'nt able to express the way you would of. I'm sure this was just a precaution for you not to get hurt more. God Bless.

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  2. JBR, how frustrating that can be. I pray that in time you will be able to make those connections. I didn't verbalize or write down my feelings either, but rather I acted them out, in morally destructive ways, which later lead to more issues that needed to be resolved. God bless you, dear. *Warm Hugs*

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  3. I didnt worte them down either. I took to classical ballett as a mean of doing something pure. You took to guitar. If with the aware mind you have today try to do think "what and if" you could have done in earlier years - well, I found that very destructive for myself.

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  4. I had "la la land". I wish that I would have released in the midst...known of its power to do so. I wrote 1 poem in 7th grade about the pain...I remember it like it was yesterday.

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  5. You're writing now. You're voice is coming through loud and clear. I know some people who are on tons of meds because they still can't have their voice. I think you're doing awesome and your voice now is sooooo important. Sarah

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  6. Sweetie don'w sweat it. There's a reason why you didnt journal or put your thoughts down. Sorry that you struggle with this.

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  7. Who would want to be in so much pain? That it's just easier to try to forget it and put it back in our memory...But you are writing now and you are giving so much encouragement to others who may need what you talk about. The wound may be slow in healing...but that's what matters...it's not bandaged anymore to hide it. It's exposed to let the "Air" heal it in His perfect time. Blessings.

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  8. it will come out, remember it is all in due time. do not beat yourself up for finding a way to survive, those times when you stuffed you were in survival mode, now it sounds like you are coming to a surrender and acceptance. this healing process is a process and does not happen over night, but it sounds like it is happening, just allow yourself to feel now and let it go. and remember to write it down and get it out. hope this helps.

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  9. When I was younger and wrote about my pain I did it in such a way NO ONE would know what I was talking about. You see, I was consumed with the fear that someone would indeed find out and then there was the shame. Each of us is different. I do not know if it helped me to write back then or not....
    andrea

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  10. JBR,

    The great news is that you are writing about it now, and you have your blog as a record of all this time. I think in the end, just putting your thoughts down will help you deal with rough days in the future. You have something you can look back on for strength and that is your own words!

    Love and Hugs ~ Kat

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  11. You taught yourself to play guitar, I did too. Isn't it great that you did that? That's such a lovely skill to have. I'm still SO impressed you got up and sang with it!!!!!! I recently felt some regret that earlier attempts at counselling weren't very successful and I wished things had been different but then I realised that everything happens at the right time. You're writing very well now!

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  12. And now you can urge others to WRITE their experiences as they are happening. Of course, who of us, in all the pain of active abusive situations, comes onto a recovery group of bloggers to "share" and help others?

    You are being real, it sounds like.

    PEACE

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  13. I did not write stuff down either! I tried to forget it all through teen years and young adulthood. It was only when I started really having problems forgetting it that I started talking about it to support group in my 30's or so. I never wrote about it until I started facing the past and not running away from it. Now that I have gone truly public with my book, and now also blogging, I find the writing so beneficial and healing. But I did not do that way back then. Wish I did but it just wasnt time then I guess. It wasnt time for you either. We can only face the past when we are ready. We can only talk about it or write about it when it is the right time. Each person has their own "Right time." And some people never find the right time.
    Now you are writing and sharing and helping others. How cool is that? God bless!

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  14. I know all about escaping into another world. I would spend most of my free time with my nose buried in a book - still do... but now it's mostly because I enjoy it so much, not to escape! :)

    The important thing is that you're writing now and help others with your writing! Thanks for writing and for helping so many! Love, S.C.

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  15. Take your tiem as you recover. I to never wrote things down when I was going through family issues.

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  16. hugs.. from another incest survivor.. but now I'm not just surviving.. I'm Thriving.. :)

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  17. JBR I agree with the majority here that your writings now are so beneficial. Go with that!

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  18. By sharing your experiences here, your blog is helping many people. Continue to trust in God. He's healing you.

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  19. Oh JBR, where did you get that pic where Jesus hugs a little girl? I wish to get some pics like that too for my blog. :)

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  20. Such a beautifully written post with so much insight and depth. Count is joy that God has given you the words to speak now.

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  21. Focus on the now sweetie, I am so thankful for your current writing. I love you.

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  22. It will come out in time...in God's time.
    I'm in counseling now and am finding that all the little things that I discover and go through (which don't actually feel little) lead me and prepare me for the revelations that come later. God is directing you...continue to trust him. Praying for you...

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  23. Your progress through your struggles along with your up and down times all is a sign of your strength to be able to write about it now. Your awareness is evident. It was not ready back then. Your maturity was not ready. Live in the moment now and keep on sharing as you do.

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  24. stuck-in-the-middleOctober 27, 2009

    Hang in there JBR! You're doing fine!

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  25. Tough subject to talk about openly.

    Secretia

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  26. Feel what you feel and remember what you will, deal the hand and look at the cards. The hand changes with each deal and eventually you will have the whole picture of the past including everything you are not quite convinced of as reality or unsure memory.

    As long as you keep picking up the cards all will be revealed...poker after all is a sort of jigsaw puzzle.

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  27. I think you did have a way of dealing with it: you ignored it. Sometimes that how we all cope with something to painful to know. I can tell that you are coping differently now, tho, which is a very good thing.

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  28. Rejoice daily in the promises and security that every believer can take as his own. Our God is trustworthy and ever does His passion for His people shine through His word; so take heed the wondrous pledges of His love for you, His child.

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  29. Thank you all for taking the time to share your heart with me! Your encouragement helps tremendously. You are so much appreciated!

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  30. What a beautiful ministry you have created with God's grace. Feelings can't kill us but they can certainly help us to feel dead. Thank you for your honesty and courage. Love, Kathy kathyberman.com.

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  31. Dear JBR,
    We are all such perfectly unique individuals. Why did we experience things just as we did and not like someone else? Who knows? GOD KNOWS! Our experiences just as they were prepare us to be uniquely helpful to others who responded just as we did. This is what is in my mind after reading your blog.

    Love and prayers,
    PG

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  32. Okay, (deep breath), here goes. I am publicly going to say it, "I was molested as a child before the age of three."

    I closed off this event(s) and did not remember the one incident until I was 52 years old. I have struggled writing a novel of a lifetime of ramifications that stem from that one incident. I feel I may be able to help someone out there. I've had this on my heart for three years and can't seem to keep going once I begin writing. But before I die, I must write the book. This one incident that I DO recall, and there may have been others but I was so young, opened my heart and mind to all of the thousands of hurts that I have experienced in several aspects of my life. It is a part of my personality, and I could not change who I was, until I found out WHY I reacted, responded, etc., the way that I do to life circumstances.

    Okay, it was hard, but now I've said it. I hope I can begin anew on the book and tell the story that needs to be told.

    God bless you, JBR. I know He sent you to me for a reason.

    Love,
    Abbey

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