"Yet a time is coming
and has now come when the true worshipers will worship
the Father in spirit and truth, for they are the
kind of worshipers the Father seeks." - John 4:23

My Heavenly Daddy is healing
me from the inside out.

Transparency is Real.
Many times painful.

Daddy let me be secure in You only!

Thursday, January 14, 2010


My harmful substance of choice growing up was isolation and la-la land. I was just too scared to handle anything due to a lot of my mother projecting her irrational fears onto me, so I hid most of my life.

In a nut shell, my mother did NOT let me become an adult. She did mostly everything for me while growing up, i.e. cook, laundry etc. She said she could not trust me. She had to be in control!

She would force me to wear clothes I did not like. (She still does this to this day. Except she gives me the clothes and I just put them in a pile to eventually give them away as I have in the past).

As I got a little older, she would insist on putting makeup on me so thick, I looked like a clown. My facial expression was not of glee. When she was not happy with my response to something she would sugar coat the word stupid with "you little stupideedo you." Did not matter how she sugar coated the word, it still stung.

Then she would tell me how to pose, walk and carry myself and smile. She wanted me to become a model, or an airline stewardess or a nurse. Everything she wanted. I was set against all this crap!! I knew nothing else but my mother's opinions.

She forced me to go with her and apply to some of the top modeling agencies in New York at the time. Talk about humiliation! I had no clue how to conduct myself at such a very young age with an adult. I was 15 or so and I remember to this day the man telling me that I was too old and too over weight and we are not looking for your kind. Now to a 15 year old who's had a child's mentality of 8 or 9 to hear those words was devastating. I later told my mother and naturally she said, "they don't know what they are talking about." Same thing with the airlines when I was about 18. I was not cut out for that. My grades were so bad to even consider nursing school, but my mother argued and tried for the school to consider me. Thank God they did not!

One time, I must have been around 19, she went with me to an interview for a job. They actually let her sit in on my interview and she would answer some of the questions the employer was asking me. And if I did not answer right away, I remember her turning to me saying, "you know the answer." How humiliating! Did I know better? I was conditioned! I only knew mother. And "No," I certainly DID NOT get the job.

The more I let God into my broken heart now, the more He is revealing to me just how sick my relationship with my mother was over all these years. How she stifled my growth into an adult. Fear played soooooo much a big part in this sickness. No wonder a lot of the time I created my own la-la land, as that was the only land I could control through all my pain.

School was also the only place I ventured out sort-of-speak. As quiet and isolated as I was, still I was able to experiment and get a glimpse of "life" not always choosing the good, but still, I knew I could without my mother watching and deal with the consequences myself.

Even though I do struggle with a lot of shame and still blaming myself for many things, I am at least recognizing now, "Houston there was a problem."


  1. You are so awesome my friend, bless you.

  2. How confusing for you. Just reading this makes me want to give you a hug right now. My home life wasn't the same in this way but it has it's own flavor of insanity. It's hard to make sense of insanity isn't it. I'm glad that your eye's are open and that you see that this was not okay. XX Lori

  3. confusing,yes,harmful most likely,being able to be free,PRICELESS!Hugs and His blessing to you my friend.

  4. This song says it all...i think...and may wrap up what you are saying as well.


    blessings, ang

  5. Oh I love reading you are seeing your childhood for what it really was and with your mother being the way she was/is it's no wonder you have been confused. Now I'm not blaming her, I think she has mental health issues but that is her problem, you must concentrate on you and getting well. You do sound stronger JBR and yes you are smart to realize "Houston there was a problem".......:-) Hugs

  6. JBR, the more I read about you the more I realize what a strong individual you are. I am sorry for the struggles you have had but Praise God for working in your life and for you slowly becoming the lovely person HE created you to be.

  7. JBR, a survivalist you are, girl. My father was like your mother in a way--he called me not once, but at least a hundred times (1,000?) in German: "You are 500 dumb Jackasses!" Loudly, in frontof whoever was nearby, didn't matter. Humiliated beyond recognition was I.

    Please contimue to grow, as it is obvious you are. Any regular reader can see that. Blessing for you.

  8. time to let that ship sail darlin'. Well past time.

  9. The Lamb, Christ, is nearer to your heart than you know. He has known you better than any, better than you know yourself Nothing is so near to us as the Christ that is in us, and nothing is so near to God as Christ. Yet the world is in a man's heart. All that is agreeable and outwardly good in this world finds its echo in a man's heart, and all the evil that has come in finds its place there too. Christ was here amidst it all. He met it all without having the evil in Him, yet He knows it all. Everything we feel, all that passes through the heart of man, Christ has gone through, not by grasping at the thing, but by resisting the evil. With all the sensibilities of the heart to good or evil (and this makes the heart of man such a wonderful thing) Christ can meet all. The centre key to all this is Christ: He has power to put away the evil. If there was one thing where my heart could not rest on Christ, it would be dreadful. All have the knowledge of good and evil, even the unconverted man. Without Christ he sets about racking his heart to find any good thing that is under the sun. All the best affections of a man are the occasion of his greatest distress, because sin has come in: the heart gets pulled and torn every way, but it must go through it.

  10. That is the most involved and controlling situation I ever heard of. I can imagine how you felt during all that. Now you have found the exit to that part of life, It's a good thing. Those troubles can recede farther into the past.


  11. stuck-in-the-middleJanuary 15, 2010

    JBR you should'nt of had to be put through all this. Sorry.

  12. You are getting stronger every day, JBR.. I hear it in your self-awareness.
    God Bless you dear.


  13. JBR I've come from a family of dysfunction. We all have. I found out my family dysfunction interfered with healthy family functioning. However, problems tend to be chronic and children do not consistently get their needs met. Negative patterns of parental behavior tend to be dominant in children's lives which can lead to very disasterous results. I hear you. God Bless.

  14. What a very dysfunctional and confusing childhood. I'm sorry you didn't get to think for yourself and use your own abilities. Must have been so amazing, once you broke free from your mother and realizing you have so many abilities, so much to be proud of, so much you can do, and all for yourself!


  15. you have certainly grow for the point you describe here. and will continue to grow!

  16. I don't know if you'll ever know how many of us can identify with your life's stories in one way or another. And how glad I am that you now see that no matter what others expected of you, God specifically designed you for HIS plan and purpose and He has always (ALWAYS) seen your inner beauty and worth.

  17. That sounds very hard. It's a blessing that you found God. That you are being healed.

  18. I have soooo missed reading you lately, JBR. Though I'm sorry to read the terrible ordeals you suffered as a child, I think it's very therapeutic that you are getting these things out in the open. You are a brave one, my dear! Stay strong and keep at it! Sending warm hugs your way :)

  19. Sweetie my heart cries for you. But you're heading in the correct direction. Keep strong in the Lord.

  20. Our mothers sound familiar. My mother was one huge irrational fear. I still carry her fear today and it is a heavy burden. I am so proud that you are able to see the truth for what it is. Keep going...

    PS I have really enjoyed reading your blog today. :)

  21. I feel that your mother was, obviously, trying to live through you. She appears to have had a lot of dreams that were never fulfilled, and thus she tried to live vicariously through her own daughter (to the "inth degree"). I'm so sorry, JBR, but feel that writing is cathartic, at least it is for me. I should write more about my dark side, but I don't. I'm fearful of the repercussions . . . I'm praying for you, dearest one. You are very special to me.


  22. I don't blog about my childhood much. I think about it a lot, but I talk about it much. It wasn't horrible, but it was not everything it could be. Sometimes I worry SO much that I will make major mistakes with my kids. I am thankful that God not only has me in the palm of his hand, but he has my kids too.

    Just like he had you.

  23. *ahem* I DONT talk about it much.

  24. JustbeReal your one brave woman. Praying God shows you the true person you were intended to be.

  25. Jolly RogerJanuary 15, 2010

    Linked you from another blog. I can relate to what you are saying. Over protective parents can ruin you terribly. I sympathize with your pain. I like your website.

  26. Uffda, JBR, it sounds like she has tried (and may still try) to live through you. You are your own special and worthy person! Awareness is the first step and I'm so glad to see the steps you are taking! Thanks for sitting at my blog! I appreciate your support and kindness! Take care! *hugs* <3

  27. If you saw a child being treated by an adult as you were, you would not blame the child. Nor would anyone else, so don't blame yourself for your relatives lack of boundaries.

  28. Your mama didn't do you good girl! Shame. Good to see you recognize the sickness and put a stop to it. Praying fo ryou

  29. Our moms were opposites yet both so detrimental to our lives.

    Mine did close to nothing and SHE was the one calling me fat. Sad thing is, I always thought I was fat and second rate and now as I look back at pictures, i really wasn't even heavy. To this day, however, I worry about my weight.

    That was just one of her contributions.

    It's good to "Just Be Real"

  30. RealmofbeautyJanuary 15, 2010

    time is a great healer. pain Will subside. Give yourself over to the light.

  31. Wow, I am just starting to deal with "the issue that is my mother" too. Thanks for sharing and I can relate to almost everything you posted :( hang in there :)

  32. I wish that I could give you a hug.

    And make things better.

    I can't.

    But He can.

    Sweet dreams.

  33. JBR:

    The cycle of abuse... probably your mom from her mom and beyond... The miracle thing is that God is breaking that cycle in you. He is the healer, and He's doing His work, I can see it and hear it in you.

    Keep going...

    Love and hugs!


  34. Boy Houston was there ever a problem and it wasn't you.

    I would have been in Lala land too. It is unreal.

    God bless you dear one.

    Renee xoxo

  35. Praying for you. God bless you. Marney

  36. Praying for you. God bless you. Marney

  37. Mother pain and abuse know so well. You've said some things in your blog not just this one that I have seen in my life. Understanding your realness is refreshing.