"Yet a time is coming
and has now come when the true worshipers will worship
the Father in spirit and truth, for they are the
kind of worshipers the Father seeks." - John 4:23

My Heavenly Daddy is healing
me from the inside out.

Transparency is Real.
Many times painful.

Daddy let me be secure in You only!

Sunday, February 28, 2010



A couple of times I began a post on this topic, only to delete it. I knew I was not ready to share. I do not know if I am even now, but I will.

I felt the need to be a bit stronger in my recovery in order to talk on my blog about the "effects of being sexually abused." Even now as I type this post, God is letting me slowly feel again. Anxiety is surfacing, palms sweating as I begin to type and share about my abuse. I am hesitant. Do not like to unravel pain.

Unfortunately, my first sexual experience which paved the way to my dysfunction in this area came at a very young age (9-10) from my older brother. My mind at that young of age could not grasp what he was doing to me, and let alone the effects it would have on me years later. I did not know any better. I trusted him. I did what he wanted. Until he wanted more. Then I started resenting the fact, and began hiding, only to be found.

Our household was filled with porno magazines that my father would buy. I believe everyone in my family, except my mother, would look at them. I do know Phillip (first boyfriend at 12) and I would look at the pictures on many occasions. He even became addicted as he would always say for me to go inside my house and get them out so we could look at them. As best we could understand at our age we would have conversations about sex and what we saw in the pictures.

Since going to t. I am starting to question why my brother did what he did. Not making excuses for him, no, no, no. But, also realizing he was subject to the same crap I had available to me which was porn. He was at the ripe age at that time for experimenting, being four years older than I.

As I got older and became more involved with boys in high school, I did not resist their advances. Thinking this was the norm, I felt obligated for them to take advantage of me. Even if I felt afraid. I just "thought" I had to let them have their way. Underneath stairwells at school was a popular place of intimate secrecy. My mind was skewed. Fear always envelope me when it came to sex. I would panic.

Then in my early twenties, (after becoming a Christian) at this point I had already become so isolated, so very fearful and set in my ways in order to cope with my pain and insecurities of the past, that once in a blue moon when a man would pay attention to me, that I would allow, I would actually go out on a date. I could now use the excuse that I was a Christian and that I would not engage in any promiscuity. Regardless of being confident with that, I still could not handle any relationship. I thought I was mature enough now to get past the fear of intimacy. It was only worse now. So, after one date, I booked. I hid. I blamed myself for not being able to function normally in a relationship. I failed. I played endless tapes in my head that I was so very screwed up. I was a mess.

Into my late twenties early thirties, after moving back to Florida and getting more involved in Christian activities at church and their single ministry, ironically enough is where I got my two marriage proposals from Christian men. Ironically, because both of those proposals came after two or three dates. Since I was so very shallow in my thinking, I attracted the same. Typical conversations I would have with these men would be extremely surface. I did not know how to be real. Our dates would consist of superficial pleasantries and would be considered meaningful conversations. And then to be asked if I would marry them on the account of "how is the weather" kind of relationship. I don't think so!! Would NEVER Work!

Still it goes deeper. Much deeper. The fact was, I knew I was not capable of any healthy relationship. What my brother did to me messed my idea of what sex was supposed to be. Instead, I believed and feared my insecurities of sex would ruin the marriage. I based marriage solely on sex. Could not even grasp the concept that marriage was so much more than sex. Only because all the years I was isolated and fearful, I was not able to develop relationally.

Over the years now, I have had many many opportunities to reflect back on my life. What I could have been initially. The realization of not being able to function in a relationship hurts me terribly. Hurts that I was robbed of my innocence.

I want to be married. But, I cannot even grasp what "love" is and feels like. I avoid saying many times the words "I love you." I hear those words said among people. Sometimes I wonder if they are just throwing it out there. Do they actually feel love for this person they say it to? I just do not know! It hurts that I feel so detached in this area. Frustrating!!

I cannot even say to God that I love Him. Does not mean in the very depths of my soul that I do not love Him. I just cannot express love, as I have never properly had it from the male gender. It was corrupted. I missed out on possible healthy potential relationships because of being sexually violated and the neglect by my father.

So at this part of my juncture as painful as it can be, I continue to deal with my singleness.

As most of you know, I have been asking and praying to be filled with unbelievable joy from the Lord and develop more intimacy with Him.

In my singleness, I try and allow myself to focus on being content in my relationship with the Lord. I know in 1 Corinthians 7 there is a lot of talk about focusing on pleasing the Lord and that even singleness can be the norm for happiness.

May be. But it is still hard and painful.


  1. This is amazing. So happy for you to get this out on the page. So much growth is happening inside of you and it is apparent. This pure honesty is going to take you far! Wow.

    I know this was scary. I want you to know that I feel you are very brave to share this and it takes a tremendous amount of courage to allow yourself to face these things. Not only that, but to share it publicly in this way. You are not alone in your struggles. Many of us can relate to this and we support you, just as you are, where you are.



  2. Thanks for sharing JBR. I know it is so raw to go into the past and look at it as candidly as you shared...boy can I relate to that. Keep fighting for recovery...you will find it. progress not perfection...you're doing great.



  3. Thank you for sharing, JBR. It takes a lot of strength to open up like that, especially to (relative) strangers. It sounds like you've come a long way from your childhood-- you've grown immensely. I hope you recognize how amazing that is.

    Wishing you well,

  4. The Bible say to ask and you will receive. You have asked, now you wait to receive. Praying for/with you that you will get to the place of freedom that He has for you. You WILL get there.


  5. JBR, I know this was difficult for you to express this. I think it is easier to tell strangers on my blog rather than people I know.

    I lift you up in prayer for strenght and courage.

  6. This was a major sharing of the extent of the abuse. I pray that the telling of this has lifted a big weight off of your mind. It should become less pressure every time you talk about it now.

    Anyone can understand now what you went through. It was never your fault, never.

    If you need me, email me.


  7. JBR your post took a lot of courage. I'm amazed at your openness and willingness to take the chance to share some deep pain in hopes to help others. Not everyone can do this. May God's love that you can't feel at the moment penetrate your heart one day. God Bless.

  8. JBR, this sharing was very courageous and inspiring. You know that I went through all the same symptoms and sick patterns and I have overcome them too. The pain will past and takes the symptoms and fears with it. One day at a time, one step at a time. You are fabulous and I am so very proud of you. You have advanced so much since I cam to your blog a year ago, you have shed so much already and I am humbled to be on your side and a witness of your journey. Love to you from my heart to yours.

  9. I am honored to read what you have shared here, JBR. I can relate to what you say here, about the concept of love and intimacy. I have been married for 15 years but I still have no idea what "intimacy" is. I don't know if I ever will.
    I know that you will continue your journey with hour therapist and you will continue to learn and you will continue to heal and I am honored to be a witness on your journey.
    ~ Gracie

  10. Just uttering a prayer here JBR!!! [[[JBR]]]...You had courageously shared so much pain. May the Lord's guidance and healing continue to cover you...God bless.

  11. When you get right down to it, humans will always end up failing us....if we are looking for more than humans can deliver.

    In the final analysis it is God that fills that empty place that is in the deepest part of us. After all, that is where He can be found.

    Keep working on your recovery and asking for God's will. Whether single or married, God's will is the most satisfying.


  12. Living a life of "Single Blessedness" is what we used to call it in "religion" class...and that never did show much appeal to me.

    Sure god will/IS blessing you in ways you may not yet understand. But keep on keeping on, and all will be given to you...all that is necessary.

    NO man is better, than one who mistreats you--how easy it is for me to say that.

    Bless you, JBR

  13. JBR, as I have often said... you and I always seem to be on similar paths at similar times. I could have written this very same post with these very same thoughts. I don't think I could have done a better job putting down into words what doesn't even make sense in my own head. Your realness has given me peace to know that I am not alone, nor am I "wrong" to wonder what could have been. Thank you, dear one.

  14. Precious One~

    That took so much courage for you to reveal what you have. What a step! :> )

    ((((HUGS)))) and love to you!


  15. There's not many people like you out in the world that could even form thoughts and write them down as plainly. I'm amazed at the depth of your writing in order to reach the vastness of what you experienced.

  16. stuck-in-the-middleMarch 01, 2010

    Powerful post. Hang in there JBR!

  17. Your post gave me chills. It made me sad for you and also for me ( my past)... I am so sarry for all that you went through... GOSH our abuse seems so much alike... it's kinda scary.. but I hope that God fills you will love... real love and brings love to you... in a way that you have never ever known before.

  18. My heart aches for you JBR. Your determination to get well is so real. Hence your title! So proud of you sweetie.

  19. JBR: To be real is a hard thing to do. We all live in shells we have created to protect ourselves, this is human nature. The couage to break out of your shell and reach out in a vulnerable state is more mature than 99% of all adults you will ever meet. Keep it up!!! Life has so much more in store for you.

  20. I think you are very brave! I can't even imagine how very difficult this must be for you. I pray for your healing! The words "thank you" seem so inadequate of how I really feel....but I appreciate that you have made yourself more vulnerable for the sake of sharing your story.
    You really are amazing.

  21. I have been there. Sometimes our lives seem so alike, it's scary! But I'm living proof that one day you will be able to settle down with a good man, and you'll be able to release your love to God in a big and beautiful way!

  22. JBR,

    My heart goes out to you. You are making such progress, and that is great. I was also a victim of sexual abuse, though not as horrific as your own situation, and my challenges with physical intimacy have at times wreaked havoc in my marriage. I just want to encourage you that sharing your experience is the first step in short-circuiting the fear and shame that the enemy will try to use to keep you crippled and stuck. I believe that God has someone He is preparing for you, and things will come about in His perfect timing. I met my husband on a blind date, and no one could love me any better than he does; I believe with all my heart that God sent him to me, God-crafted, to help me work through some of these issues.

    You are in my prayers,

  23. I hope that the telling has helped you feel freer of your bonds. I know that each time I told my story (and the first time was less than two years ago) I have felt a little less controlled by my past and have gained insights on why I behave and feel the way I do.

  24. God can heal...I'm a living truth of it. God completely restored me. I'm happily married to an amazing man. It's been a journey but God is faithful. Praying God restores what was stolen from you.

    His Love Extended:
    Julie Gorman

  25. I'm so sorry that your brother sexually abuse you like that..I also know what you mean about not knowing what love is..I'm glad you wrote it, and publish it this time..Sending hugs!

  26. I can feel your difficulty but it is good to be able to talk about it.. it gets easier with time and less painful

  27. Congratulations on being able what to share what you did. I felt my own anxiety about my abuse and its effects on me. gentle hugs if you accept them. I have found blogging about my childhood quite helpful...letting my voice be heard.

  28. Hello and thanks for adding on at my blog, it means alot to me. Love the prayer and verse you have by your header ..It was very compeling.
    I do not speak much of my sexual abuse but it did happen and , praise God He helped me work through it and still does but, I do believ too that it never truly compeletly goes away, the affects just seem to crep in on us at times..Guess thats normal, I have not knon anyone in my later yrs that ghas experienced it to compare with. If I allow the enemy to confuss me, well, it would hit me hard again I imaginne. My abuse was not near like others had been but i do totally get it all that your saying.. Lets keep our pprayers going up to Our GREAT LORD, Our Master, Our Comforter okay, for all concerned.
    Lets not allow the enemy to trick us..This is the 1st time I have ever even brought it up to any one online before. Not many know, it was onluy a yr or 2 ago that I even told my mom,I'm not sure if she even believed me, which is why I never told very many about it. It was a family member, and i was pre teen.. Wow .. yep, i just can't let satan trick me. So...the Bible verse to share with all who read this now is>>> "The God of love and peace shall be with you".
    llCorinthians 13:11 KJV
    Hugs and Blessings Dena

  29. Your blog is very deep and concise. Honesty far exceeds your words. Enjoyed my stay. Nate.

  30. Oh, JBR, I think you're such a brave woman! How much I admire you for sharing a so delicate part of your life with us.But it's good to be able to talk about it. Time is just a great healer. Pain gets lesser with time. You'll see.
    Big Big Hugs
    Betty xx

  31. Thanks, JBR, for your amazing strength and courage in sharing this. I know your sharing is helpful to others.

  32. My dear friend. Thank you for sharing this. I know it must have taken great courage. I can relate to much of what you write here. I was also abused at about the same age, by my step father. It affects us profoundly. But I also believe we are "as sick as our secrets." Talking about it takes away the power it has over us. Love and hugs to you.

  33. To be able to share this shows such courage and strength. Hugs and blessings.

  34. JBR, I hope you never grow tired of hearing all of the wonderful words your friends are saying to you, and that I repeat over and over again. Even though I state to you that I love you, it is a true love that only God can impart in my heart. When I tell you how proud I am of you, what progress you have made, the courage you have to speak those horrific truths concerning your childhood, these are words that are truth.
    When you spoke of not being able to tell God you love Him, well in my most humble opinion, I know you love Him. How could you be here right now without you learning to love, taking that giant risk! Things are such a slow process, I know this for myself. You are obviously trusting your friends enough to share your REAl feelings of your past, and you are trusting God with all of the muck and mire. It's just so much more difficult for survivors of incest with these trust issues. The wonderful things is that I know without a shadow of a doubt, that no one knows our hearts like Him. He sees us stumbling, falling, walking so ever slowly to Him and I do believe He understands and accepts the smallest of movements we make towards Him. HE UNDERSTANDS like no one else can. I feel like I'm preaching to the choir here. This was an older post that I stumbled upon, so hope you get it. And, I do love you and pray for you God's child. Janie

  35. I was exposed to pornography at an extremely early age...I can still remember the first time when I was 4 years.(that I recall, I may have been looking at those images earlier but the memory is of 4). I KNEW exactly where the relatives kept the porn. By the time I was 9 I was exposed to XXX movies. My younger cousin (male) and I would go to his father's office and watch them...

    To have those images in your mind at such an early age, paved the way to many other abuses that came along down the road...

    I thank God SO much that when I met my husband, he wasn't involved in any pornography. Didn't care if it was in the house..SIGH..Thank God!

    sigh....hmmmmmmmmmm...Thanks for sharing your heart...I don't think people realize how powerful pornography is, and what it can do to a child exposed to it,,sigh....

  36. JBR, I remember being so insecure around men and not having any healthy boundaries. I remember being afraid to say no. I remember not knowing that I had the right to say no. I remember the pain of not knowing who I was because of the incest. My prayers are with you. You are so brave and real.

  37. Thanks for sharing and being real with us! I feel for you and the pain the abuse has caused you. I know singleness is a very, very hard place to be. I always run from it. It is hard to trust anyone, I know. Trust God as He always knows best!

  38. God Bless you, JBR. Yes, it is a fact that so many of us suffer from these difficult, confusing, painful beginnings, often leaving a cloud of terror. The hard part is living in that mist and trying to function normally without opening up to the fact, the truth, the reality of the depth of the pain. Praise the Lord that you, JBR, have opened up and are speaking about "it" to the body of Christ. God promises in his word to restore us, my prayer for me as well, and it can be a very difficult path to walk alone. Opening up gives you the support of your heavenly family and enables you to trust your heavenly Father, who has made a way. Believing that, trusting that, hoping in that, that God has given you a promise, that God will make a way, that all things become possible, that what you thought was dead can again become alive in Christ, will drive you to the healer. Your cries will pierce his heart, which I believe has already happened for you, and you will begin to see miracles in your life, the unseen kind, the kind that change your core, the person who God created you to be, and you will be set free and begin to live in peace. Peace might be the the evidence of resolve, where you had fear, God brings you trust. Where you had doubt, God brings you a surety. The mundane of life suddenly is filled with purpose and meaning; your life matters and can make a difference.

    Don't ever be afraid to speak up about your life. Jesus died for you to give you new life and God's Word will come alive with life giving messages meant specifically for you. Some day you will be able to be in a mans presence without feeling all of this anxiety. When you recognize the Lord in them you will naturally be drawn. Likewise, when they recognize the Lord in you, they will be drawn. There can be no substitute for peace, which will translate into joy for you.

    Yes, God Bless you, JBR. God Bless your journey of self discovery, of selfless living, coming alive in Christ. He loves you deeply.

    Your sister in the Lord,

  39. I read your story. I am shocked. It is so sad. In comparison, I love where you are, today. You're free. Free from all the hurtful things. Don't let the memories cloud your happiness. You're an inspiration for several others to seek.

    I am so happy that you have this blog, that you have church friends, that you are improving by the day. I am saying a prayer for you.

    Heal well. The Lord will help and guide you.

  40. Thank you so much for sharing this. It brought up some memories I forgot I had. And the emotions that accompany them. In the end, that will be a good thing.

  41. Your sharing your story is the beginning of a healing process. It can take a long time and be very painful, but you have done a very brave thing. Just hang on to Jesus and He will help you with this. Remember to be kind to yourself. Always remember it was not your fault!!

  42. Dear JBR,
    I am so touched by your story because I was also sexually abused at about the same age by someone who thought to be trusted and did not tell everyone until I told my mom a few years ago. I am not saved and I wanted God in my live and be deliver from this awful stuff that had put me through. Please pay that I will be saved be delivered from the effects from sexual abuse, and help me to forgive this person who did this to me amd outher people who wronged me.

  43. Thank you for sharing this and thank you for your comment on my blog. It means a lot to me that someone like you would comment on one of my posts.

  44. I realize this was written over a year ago but I pray that in the months that have followed you have come to know the God who heals us. Our Jehovah Rafa. He continues the healing process in my own life and I understand so well what you share here.

  45. Thank you. There are far too many things in this post that I understand from personal experience.

  46. Thank you for writing this. I first want to say that you are very brave for sharing your story with us. I do pray and hope that you have found peace and healing since this post. I do applaud you and admire you for sharing your story and beginning the healing process. It is truly remarkable and amazing that you were able to post this to complete strangers such as myself. I will continue to keep you and prayer and pray that one day you do find love and a love that is so amazing that it blows your mind. I once found that love but because of fear quickly ushered him out of my life. Will I ever find another love like him, I am not sure, but I surely do hope so as he helped me to begin healing and know the difference between what is real love is what is not love. No I am not placing him above God's love, just saying from a natural standpoint as we were made to want companionship with the opposite sex. Well anyway I do hope that you can experience that love and that your love with God grows beyond what you could have ever imagined. Stay blessed JBR.

    God bless, Kay

  47. You are so brave to share your story. I had a lot of troubl in relationships also. I didn't want men to touch me. I got married kind of later at the age of 32. When I married, I did not feel love at all. I didn't know why I was getting married, but the man I met seemed so kind and loving and patient. He still is and I am after all these years starting to finally "feel" love. I am only just starting to have those feelings. I believe love is not about sexual attraction, but rather it is mutual respect and service to each other. Love is appreciating someone and wanting them to always be there. I do hope that you can find healing and love soon. It takes time. Bless YOU! You are such a worthwhile person.

  48. This is important to hear. God is using your immense pain and suffering to reach out to many people who have endured the same personal hells too. May I add, it is also important to let men who does these things know the damage they cause when doing these things, and the understanding that they may get away with such things in this life, but God will be waiting in the next life for them. There will be harsh punishments for such people and justice for all those who have been cruelly mistreated.

  49. What a powerful post. Share it as many times as possible with as many people as possible. This article ranks right up there with those professionals who are in the field of recovery. It goes boldly to the throne of the LORD just as we are commanded to do. Recovery for you, rests in the palm of your hands. By sharing you have created a path for your light to touch the masses. The light will travel back to you warming your soul. Supporting you with prayers.