"Yet a time is coming
and has now come when the true worshipers will worship
the Father in spirit and truth, for they are the
kind of worshipers the Father seeks." - John 4:23

My Heavenly Daddy is healing
me from the inside out.

Transparency is Real.
Many times painful.

Daddy let me be secure in You only!

Tuesday, February 09, 2010


***May Trigger***

This past weekend I wanted to set aside a time of prayer and fasting. Personally for myself and certain struggles that I believe may only be broken with prayer and fasting. But felt something was unsettling in my Spirit. Also, felt I was not prepared spiritually. I was not clear in what to do. So, I did not fast/pray. I would still like to though because there is a stubborn area in my healing process that comes out explosively in my car when I am triggered still. I need to get to the root of my anger and be able to justify it appropriately. So, instead of the fast over the weekend, I have been praying these past few days specifically for God to reveal to me certain areas of my past in order to be able to pray more efficiently when I do pray/fast. It has been hard for me to be specific in remembering events. I asked Him if He could take it a step further and show me some things more clearer in order to help me along.

What keeps on coming up is my growing up as a teenager.

Although I seemed to be able to function somewhat normally in the world, my insides spoke differently. I thought I was normal. But, at the same time such a very unhappy, fearful, lonely and sad individual!! I was so unhappy as a teen growing up after my parents divorce when I was 12 and my family split. I having to move away from my father, brothers and friends, to a new state with my mother who just remarried. Then being told by my mother that I better be nice to my new step-father.

The many heated battles my mum and I would have over my attitude towards my step-father. She would threaten me that I better be civil to him. I reacted the only way I could full of resentment and rage and that was to shut down, yell, scream, seclude, slam my bedroom door. My bedroom was my escape, safe haven from my pain. I would only surface for dinner after coming home from school and not even talk or look at either one of them. When I did come out it was to quickly eat my dinner and go back into my bedroom, door shut. Many times I was forced to remain at the dinner table until they both were done. Never uttering a word or looking at either one of them. There was only one bathroom where we lived. Many times I would hold it as long as I could to avoid coming out of my bedroom before racing out to the bathroom. This went on for years. Yes, I was very isolated. I hid in my room most of my life. Part of the reason it is so hard for me to socialize.

***Some may not fully understand what I will share next***

So, my fantasy world of la-la land would be my existence of survival. I totally understand that now. Besides stuffing my anger, my la-la land helped me daily. As I was praying to the Lord this week to help me along with my struggles, what was revealed to me specifically was my la-la land adventures. For the first time I understood the purpose of these fantasies as they were based upon desiring attention. Never thought of that before until now. It is true.

Because in my fantasies I 'always' played the victim. Made me feel good. I was the one always being rescued. I would replay the fantasy over and over and over again. Mainly at night as I went to sleep. The same fantasy could go on for weeks. I remember even being excited knowing I would be fantasizing that night. I looked forward to them over real life. In my mind I would create a scenario and play it over and over. Each time I was the victim. Being the victim consisted of being nearly killed either by a stabbing, shooting, drowning or strangled. Almost like reaching a sexual fantasy of satisfaction. The satisfaction was having my life almost snuffed out only to be saved in the end. Why I chose the morbid, I do not know. Still I strived to gain some sort of satisfaction to feel good through these dreams. A rush I would try to achieve. A high. My drug was me getting off on dying in my fantasy only to be rescude at the last moment. What I do know are those fantasies kept me alive during my teen years with coping with so much loss in my life.

I am still not convinced in my heart that what has been revealed this week to me in prayer about my fantasies and the 'attention' is what is making me go off in my car. True when I am going off in my car, I feel so in control, "hey look at me," that the attention factor could possibly be the link? But, I still feel there is something much more deeper. Abandonment, not having a say so, being sexually abused all play a part. Perhaps praying and fasting will eventually reveal the answer.


  1. sometimes LA LA Land can be a good thing,staying there too long is not.God will heal you,but it will be on his time not yours.

  2. Asking God to reveal all things to you dear, love you.

  3. GOD will continue to reveal HIMSELF to you.

  4. In your sharing about your morbid side brought to mind some things I to haven't let go in my past. Great reminder. Thanks.

  5. My la-la land fantasies gave me something to look forward to as a child, preteen and teen. It was a place I could go, be in control (in my case), and to escape to. I understand this. You definitely aren't alone in doing this as an escape. Understanding, hugs if you would like, and belief in you your way...ang

  6. I enjoyed looking over your blog
    God bless you

  7. Keep praying!
    The answers will come!


  8. I had the same experience as a child. Being in a fantasy made me able to be in control as well as have people rescue me when I was hurting. I would often imagine myself as the victim and have people try to save me, sometimes they were able to, sometimes they were not. I think this is a totally normal coping mechanism when people are faced with difficult things, especially as children.

  9. you are facing it and giving to God! He will be faithful...

  10. JBR: There are very few girls growing up who did not fight with their moms, argue with their dads/stepdads, slam doors, avoid adults, sulk/hide in their rooms. It is called being a teenager!!

    Maybe God has created a safe place for you to vent, and it is your car.

    Hoping your prayers are answered soon!

  11. God is speaking to you, my friend, and in His timing, He will reveal and heal!


  12. God will reveal the answer when it is time. So many things are linked together. I also had a fantasy land growing up and still do to a certain extent. Take care.

  13. Not healthy to enjoy being a victim even if its only a fantasy sweetie, believe in being the survivor always......you have so much going for you, keep praying and moving forward. Change your fantasies, change your dreams......means changing your life....yay
    .........:-) Hugs

  14. This was the only way you could survive. Good that you accepted that much. Keep praying that God will show you what needs to be pointed out. He will come through for you.

  15. Wow! Those were huge losses for you. James Dobson (sp?) says that divorce affects teens as much as young children. My heart does go out to you. Going into the fantasy realm is our coping mechanism I think. I was the "good girl" never arguing back, NOT talking but that sure didn't help then or now. For me the healing seems to come slowly but it's in the talking about it that has helped, it takes away the power I give it when I keep, have kept, those feelings thoughts inside. I'm doing the "REAL TALKS" with God more and more knowing He knows me anyway, just as I am, and can handle it and wants me to do that. I'm sure I've played out that role as the victim most of my life in the choices I have made in relationships. With God's help and truth I do not want to travel down those paths again. I think God reveals things to us when we are ready; like taking a layer of skin off an onion, just one layer at a time. He's doing that with you and me and I am grateful. Janie