"Yet a time is coming
and has now come when the true worshipers will worship
the Father in spirit and truth, for they are the
kind of worshipers the Father seeks." - John 4:23

My Heavenly Daddy is healing
me from the inside out.

Transparency is Real.
Many times painful.

Daddy let me be secure in You only!

Saturday, March 06, 2010

HAD NO BOUNDARIES


****MAY TRIGGER****


Another memory surfaced.

I was 14 in school talking to my teacher with a couple of other kids around me and the boy that was using me at the time stood next to me groping me in front of everyone. Okay. Bad enough.

As I type this I am right back there. ASHAMED!! But I did NOT do a thing! I know I felt so ashamed and I remember the look on my teachers face, who in fact was a male, and he did not a thing. He was a wimp.

Anyway, why I bring this up and post about it? Maybe to share for any out there who have struggled with "why couldn't I stop the abuse?"

I was paralyzed. Same when my brother was doing it to me. I had no boundaries. I was so afraid to say no. I felt I had no rights. I felt this was normal, despite feeling deep shame.

But I did have boundaries! I just was not able to enforce them because of my immaturity, fear and what I believed that it was okay to be taken advantage of.

It was NOT!


26 comments:

  1. No, it was not right what happened to you sweetie. I am so sorry, I love you.

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  2. There must be many memories surfacing now. I hope you can let the pressure out of yourself through talking about things.

    Secretia

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  3. You bring out my mothering instincts...I want to give you a big hug and keep you safe!

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  4. Oh that makes me so angry at that boy and especially at the teacher! I wish I had the answer.

    (((hugs)))

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  5. JBR remember, it wasn't your fault. Not being able to fight back is a basic human fear. It's more comfortable to believe that we always had control over our lives. The truth is that we didn't have control then.

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  6. you're a brave soul. and courageous!

    so it's about boundaries? makes sense. i've often wondered why i didn't ask questions when i was little, why i didn't complain, demand an answer. i just accepted everything that happened. whether it felt good or not... thank you, you have no idea the understanding you've helped me with today...

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  7. It is never ok. NEVER. One good thing is that you felt it deep inside you even when you didnt dare to enforce it. You knew and NOW you start executing boundaries. Whatever lies behind you , you are now creating, rebirthing yourself , shaping a new self a new future. Love to you. You stand so strong.

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  8. No it was not!!
    And though you felt right back there, you are not!! Let God remove that shame you feel, it is not yours to bare!!

    Hugs!!!

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  9. I fought at first but then realized all my fighting would only result in my being further hurt so I gave up...gave in...let him do whatever he wanted...only at the end I stopped caring and actually wanted to die. Only at the end he could have killed me but I wouldn't die not fighting. We all react so differently...abuse, rape is such a shock to our system....Stay strong girl.

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  10. I agree with Mary; let God remove the shame, it is not yours to bare.
    I too was abused as a child. My mind sometimes will let me forget . . . but often times I am afraid for no reason.
    Please pray for me. I have been dealing with so much in my life lately. These things have caused me health problems and financial problems. Thank you for being brave and sharing your past. I have not reached that point yet.
    Your friend in Christ,
    Bren

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  11. This is in your past. "Had No Boundaries". Now you do. Great step forward. Keep going.

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  12. You continue to be very courageous in your walk to freedom! God has something in store for you I can feel it. God Bless.

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  13. None of this was your fault. You were a child. The shame is not yours to carry, JBR.
    If I know you well enough, you will give it to God and he will take it from you.
    Sending you strength.... ~ Grace

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  14. When you were little, you had no one who valued you as a unique person - how would you have known to value yourself? Part of adulthood is learning to know your own worth. Be proud my friend, you have great value, and it's not wrong to say that your value is as good or better than anyone elses. Keep up the good work!!

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  15. I relate a lot to what you have said in this post, JBR. And I am so sorry that the teacher did not stand up for you-- that was a real opportunity for him to teach everyone in the class that (a) they can't touch other people like that without their opinion, and (b) that the victims don't have to tolerate it. What a shame. But I'm so glad to hear that you now know that you deserved better and that it was not okay. You DO deserve to be treated with respect with everyone you come in contact with.

    Wishing you well,
    NOS

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  16. Jeff in HidingMarch 06, 2010

    I was abused by my father. He would beat us kids to. I have another brother younger. Hes' said that dad sexually fondled him. Your comments throughout show how much this abuse is rampant. Jeff

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  17. Dear One~

    We couldn't stop it back then. It took me a long time to understand and realize that but PRAISE GOD, I do. What an amazing feeling that is when we realize that it was NOT our fault!!!

    You are such a brave lady. I know it is hard sometimes to write what you do, but to be free from the bondage of things in our past is worth the temporary pain we must go through. I know....I have been right where you are!

    Blessings~
    Laura

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  18. Meaningful post Just Be Real. Stopped on by to say hi.

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  19. Secretia, is just right. Only talking about things that are haunting us could let the preasure out of yourself.
    And no, it awsn't right what happened to you , my sweet friend.
    I'm sending you tons of hugs
    ((((H)))
    Betty xx

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  20. No one should of gone whta you went through. Sorry you were suject to that abuse and shame.

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  21. I admire your courage and bravery. You ar3e worthy so very worthy and loved. Don't ever forget that.

    We survive inspite of those that would hurt us. We are free to bee forever and they must live with knowing what they did.

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  22. Thanks for sharing what was obviously a very hurtful memory. I remember how many things flashed back to me as I worked my Fouth Step. All we can do with our prior memories or acknowledge them and try to build on the lessons. Good luck and hope you're having a good weekend.

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  23. It was not your fault. And I cannot understand that teacher. Not at all. I am sorry this happened to you.(((((JBR)))))

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  24. I'm sorry to hear that you went through this. I don't agree with how the teacher handled this but it did make me wonder if he had been abused or if he grew up watching someone else being abused and felt powerless to stop it. Praying for peace and healing for you! ((((HUGS)))

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  25. Oh, JBR, I am sorry that you had to experience that! It is sad when the shame, embarrassment, and other negative emotions abuse subjects us to feels normal. I am so glad that you are realizing that you have boundaries! I struggle with this, and with the guilt associated for not upholding my boundaries before. Take care! *hugs* <3

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  26. Thanks JBR for this post. We do have boundaries, and now that we are out of our situations in life when we felt we didn't, we know now that we do, even though at times we allow some to cross those boundaries. But, it's not for very long, because we now have that new awareness that is not what God intends for us. Thanks to Him for his strength and healing power. xoxo janie

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