"Yet a time is coming
and has now come when the true worshipers will worship
the Father in spirit and truth, for they are the
kind of worshipers the Father seeks." - John 4:23

My Heavenly Daddy is healing
me from the inside out.

Transparency is Real.
Many times painful.

Daddy let me be secure in You only!

Friday, March 05, 2010


T. yesterday was one of my most difficult sessions ever. I do not even know if my t. even knew that.

I am burnt out, emotionally drained, exhausted and for some reason, I knew ahead of time on Wednesday at work (the Spirit's guidance) to put in a P.T.O. day for today.

It was a difficult session already because going in, my head was so foggy, my hormones were raging, I was fighting with my stinkin' thinkin', battling with Satan's lies and I had a really difficult time expressing what I was experiencing at that moment. Only God knew the depth of my pain.

Through it all the session was extremely beneficial and an eye opener. God still prevailed.

I have to start to re-learn and even learn some things in order to heal.

One being how to be a friend.

Reach out more and accept others friendships. May be simple to some of you, but it ain't for me.

I cannot even think about a serious relationship with the opposite sex, until I can establish how to relate within a relationship. Painful truth.

Part of my sickness is that in the past I would choose, again in my own stinkin' thinkin' way, who I wanted to be friends with. Zero on in and then start to work at, what I thought was normal, but was a co-dependency fix. That is why I do better with one on one relationships, rather than in groups. I had my mind already made up who I wanted as a friend, "who met my needs, i.e. to be accepted" and "I theirs, i.e. for me to be used." Would not give others a chance. Sounds selfish, yes. But that is part of the deception.

Where in the past B.J. ("Before Journey") I would establish friendships on obligation and what, I thought at the time made "me" feel good, when in reality I was being used and doing whatever the other person wanted. I had no voice. I had no life! I just had a sick co-dependency relationship that literally at times felt like it sucked the life out of me and even the other person. Because I worked so hard 24/7 at keeping what I thought a friendship should be. I see now, how sick this was. Then I would crash severely. Depression, guilt and condemnation would settle in once they got tired of me, or God moved them out of my life.

In healing I have to begin to gauge what a "friendship" truly is. Pointed out yesterday to me in t., which I had no clue about, were some things I mentioned that showed signs of friendship with reaching out to another co-worker. Inviting her to lunch in the past. I was making progress. It pays to say what is on your mind. For what I said, again, I did not see it as progress, but my t. did. Just thought it was normal and was not even going to mention it.

It is like, "so that is what you call a friend or friendship?"

Right away shame enveloped me only because I felt I "should have" known this. That I did not recognize the growth. That these feelings "should be" natural and why do I struggle? I was then reminded by my t. that "I had no way of knowing this. As I did not know. And not to beat myself up about it. And there is nothing to be ashamed about."

I think a portion of my shame comes from me putting sooooo much high expectation on myself that when it is not met I am shamed into feeling bad. That is an area that probably needs to be looked into further at a later date.

Anyway, I am in my journey for the long haul. Pain and the whole kit and caboodle. Freedom is down the line.


  1. Amen, freedom will be yours sweetie.

  2. Your on your way JBR. The shame you're feeling will one day surprise you that it will not be as strong. This happened to me. One day I noticed my shame was lessened. You'll get there.

  3. Encouraging post JBR. Despite having a rough go at it, you're making the progress that is needed. God Bless.

  4. I know it's good that you can discuss it in such depth. You will experience complete recovery.


  5. stuck-in-the-middleMarch 05, 2010

    Hang in there my friend.

  6. hi jbr, thanks for signing onto my blog, i'm glad to have the chance to read yours. i can relate to your difficulties with friendship. that's part of what motivated me to heal in the first place. what seemed so easy and natural for others was often so difficult and confusing for me. wishing you well as you heal and learn~

  7. Sometimes it is difficult b/c what we think is real is NOT....learning to look at things in a healthy way...GODS way is NOT always easy.
    Blessings and prayers,

  8. The journey we walk on can be long and difficult, you are on the path though and all of us have our various crosses to bear, friend and relationships are difficult, but in recovery you can at least have the luxury of seeing more clearly your boundaries, what it is you need/want and you can work from there. I for one am glad you are on this journey for the long haul and with the whole kit and kaboodle!!!

    xo gabi

  9. You sound exhausted still determined and so full of hope. Even better each post shows so much of your progress. Oh yes, I know so very well this part inside me which should know... This part (Mrs. Patronising know it better- as I call this part) still plays a huge portion in my actions and interactions. However the more I develop healthier parts this critising part loses some of its devastating power. You are doing brilliant, your awareness is amazing. Hugs

  10. Until I dealt more with healing, I didn't even realize how little I knew about healthy relationships. I'm learning but it sure ain't easy. I'm beginning to learn that a relationship is not just me giving to others. That giving everything is not reaching out. It's a rough road to relearn what we should have learned. Better late than never I always say. I'm really proud of your progress JBR! I also learn a lot from your progress and you help me see issues in me more fully. Thank you! Take care! *hugs* <3

  11. Each time I read your experiences and thoughts, I see that your self awareness grows much stronger and your ability to see yourself moving towards the direction of recovery is also much clearer.
    You recognise that you need more as a person but eventhough you are not ready, you are not afraid to go forward.
    There is progress JBR and I am happy for you.

    Peace be with you


  12. This is a long journey but you will get your freedom. I pray for your freedom.

  13. Hang in there [[[JBR]]]...God bless.

  14. Thanks for sharing. I tend not to make new friends that easily, either. I just try to pray for guidance and direction and work to do my part by showing up in good situations. I bet there's a great new friend just waiting for you to show up!

  15. Freedom... a wonderful goal.
    I've had those sessions that just wipe me out for days. Usually, it is the beginning of major growth, and so worth it.

  16. A little humor for the day - when I initially tried to follow you - I ended up following myself - but I am a follower now!! Have a great weekend!

  17. I think you are doing a great job.

  18. Thank you for your very kind words ... they really help. I hope I can reciprocate ... perhaps you should think about not placing so many expectations on your relationships, friends and otherwise, because invariably, you will be hurt or disappointed. I've learned that the hard way, but what comes natural is hard to change. Here is a huge (((((((((HUG))))))))) to make you feel comforted.

    God bless you ... praying, praying, praying ...

  19. You are a very strong woman, I admire your openness. Victory and freedom is yours through Christ! Praying for you!

  20. Freedom is down the road for both of us, but boy oh boy, the journey can be painful and difficult! I'm glad we have Jesus there to walk down that path with us and our good T's. janie