Being brought up in an alcoholic home, where my father was not available for me emotionally, my brother who sexually abused me, and my mother who was way too much available for me trying to control, instill her ideals, her hopes, her aspirations to have a perfect daughter loomed heavily on me.
I remember my mother coaching me on how to smile for our family church picture when I was around 8. I still have that picture to this day. I was not happy in it. This was around the same time my brother was sexually abusing me. So I probably did not feel like smiling.
How on earth did I reason what my brother did to me was normal and okay? I have to keep reminding myself today, "it was not my fault." I knew no better, I was only eight and I trusted him. I had no clue this abuse would screw me up later on in life.
Shame now is my primary focus that I am dealing with. Seeing more how I responded to situations in my life, where I thought something was wrong with me, shows me that I was only protecting myself from further hurt and I was not this crazy person after all.
I always had trouble expressing myself. I just stuffed my painful emotions deep within my core and covered it up with humor as a child.
Only the pain I covered up would show up later on in life, especially after my parents divorce, which crushed me, through rebellion, anger (which I still battle with greatly, I found out the other day -wo-), certainly depression, anxiety, etc. I did not turn to drugs or alcohol to numb my pain, I just isolated and went off in my own world to cope.
Thought a lot about last weeks exercise in having people walk ahead of me because of my shame issues. I noticed I do that at work also. A lot of shame comes up during this time. Shame of not being worthy or important enough.
Although, I must say that I did go first one time last week at work. So, I did make a conscience effort, despite feeling very uncomfortable.
You try in spite of the difficulties - that is all what counts, you can be proud of yourself. Yes, you were just 8 years old. You should have received attention, appreciation and affection and not to be expected to know what is right or wrong. That is actually the duty of the parents. It is was their responsibility not yours. NOW you are an adult and you do your very best to take care of yourself and execute the responsibility which now belong to you. NOW but not as 8 year. Surely I reasoned with myself many years ago too that this abuse is ok as to survive. That is normal action for abused children because we have no other means to react. Mill of hugs to you.
ReplyDeleteHey, you got through it. I suspect you're stronger today as a result and have done a lot to help others with similar experiences. Most important, though, YOU ARE CARED FOR!!!
ReplyDeleteYour strength will come from knowing the One Who will sustain you with it when you ask for it. May the Lord continue to guide you and give you the strength JBR. As you depend on Him more and more, and commit all your ways to Him, He will direct you to that path, the right way to go! Take care.
ReplyDeleteThe more we face an issues and address it, the weaker it becomes and fades.
ReplyDeleteKeep at it, the big rock in our centre, will soon be nothing but a pebble.
May God hold you in his peace.
BM
Shame is such a huge issue. I know it is a tough one. And it certainly affects self-esteem and the feeling of being worthy or worthless. But, I'm glad you took steps toward reclaiming your esteem, even when it felt uncomfortable. The discomfort eases a bit with practice, I think.
ReplyDeleteJust remember--you did nothing wrong. You were an innocent child. The shame does not belong to you! ((((((((JBR)))))) You are doing really great work. Kudos to you. Just keep swimmin'!
It's so sad to see the impact others have on our entire lives and also how we impact others. Thanks for the reminder to encourage my children to be themselves and not what I want them to be. (((hugs))) Good job walking ahead...
ReplyDeleteHi-
ReplyDeleteSHAME LOOKS DOWN
COURAGE LOOKS STRAIGHT AHEAD
FAITH LOOKS UP............
Love Gail
peace.....
Too many families don't realize the great treasure they are given when God gifts them with a child, as a result your self-image was destroyed through no fault of your own. God doesn't see you the way others do and certainly not the way you see yourself. Your family may not have treasured you... but God does. May the Holy Spirit give witness to the truth of my words. You are greatly loved by the Lord. Completely and totally.
ReplyDeleteI like what gail commented above.
ReplyDeleteYa know, JBR, I often have to force myself to do something I TOTALLY am against, something which I believed (at the time) was not in my NATURE..Genes.
I mean like answer the phone, talk to a friend (for one whole minute), talk to a stranger...after spending weeks looking forward (from the original "down" position, to glancing briefly one at a time, looking straight into another's (stranger's) eyes.
And now I am FIRST at the phone, talk to EVERYONE who comes within 5 feet of me (wonder why everyone avoids me???? Hmmmm!). I guess it is about CHANGE, which only comes with PAIN. If we talk "abuse", I'll be writing still in the morning this comment--grin!
God help us, you, me, and the others of COURSE!
PEACE!
I try to imagine how a boy convinces an 8 year old to let him have sex with her. I think I understand your embarrassment and the hurt, but not that you should be ashamed.
ReplyDeleteSecretia
You are so much stronger than you realize.
ReplyDeleteJBR,
ReplyDeleteJust try and remember when those thoughts and feelings pop up where the origin of that voice comes from. Than take that thought captive and lay it at our Father's feet. He has the power and strength to work through those issues with you as often as they pop up. Trust me, even if after you've captured one, ten more pop up and capture them all.
Love and Hugs ~ Kat
You are well on your way.I was always ashamed of my childhood sexual abuse."I could of, Should of" have nearly driven me crazy.I've made many of mistake because of it, but I am healing. So are you!Remember this is a false shame.You were a child.
ReplyDeleteThis post reminds me of why I am writing a book on shame and freedom from it. Please pray I will finish this burden that I know the Lord put on my heart. I relate to you in so many ways. Hugs and prayers for complete freedom!!
ReplyDeleteHi! I simply want you to know that YOU ARE SPECIAL, WORTHY AND IMPORTANT. No one can ever change how GOD sees YOU - VALUABLE!
ReplyDelete