"Yet a time is coming
and has now come when the true worshipers will worship
the Father in spirit and truth, for they are the
kind of worshipers the Father seeks." - John 4:23

My Heavenly Daddy is healing
me from the inside out.

Transparency is Real.
Many times painful.

Daddy let me be secure in You only!

Friday, March 12, 2010

SO MUCH SHAME!!!


Had intense t. yesterday.

Brought up tremendous amount of shame!

I had no clue that the session was going to go this way.

The Holy Spirit did though.

After coming home from t. I sat down and stared at my computer for about an hour or so processing. I was debating if I wanted to even post a blog about this or just go into hibernation (which I am so good at), and step away from the blogging world for a bit. But, in the back of my mind, I am reminded by many of you how therapeutic it is to share and not cut off the world and not recoil. To know that it is okay to take care of myself and reach out.

So,

Went to bed.

Not sure if I was going to blog anymore.

Exhausted.

Burnt.

Then,

Woke up.

Here it is 4:45 a.m.

Now, I think I am ready to share, as much as I can.

Very difficult to share, as I am even feeling the shame well up inside of me again. But, will share nevertheless.....

Since I cannot remember specifics, blocked out, too painful, but all evidence points to 'earthly daddy' as one of the shaming culprits, for now. I sense there is much more, having to deal with my brother and the sexual abuse. But for now, we are concentrating on 'earthly daddy.' I am having to trust not only God, but the leading of the Holy Spirit through my t.

My t. gently took me back when I would hide, specifically in the hamper, 4-6 yrs. old? I could not even look at my t. during this time, as I was so full of shame and fear. So much pain! Buried my head in my hands, covering my face. (Like the picture above) I went totally inside myself. Literally pulled myself within. Held onto myself. Became 'little JBR.'

I and my t. knows when I am 'little JBR.' It was her that my t. wanted to talk to. Which most of the time she did. On occasion 'big JBR' would appear with some philosophical answer, to make sure she was saying it correctly. Only to be asked to let 'little JBR' speak again. To share the pain of how a look from her 'earthly daddy' or a critical word would bring shame to her. How 'little JBR' took on the critical spirit of her 'earthly daddy' blaming herself, believing she was a screw up. All the while being reminded, that what happened to her was not her fault. Her 'earthly daddy' had many problems of his own.

I was then asked to look at my t. a couple of times. Oh the shame!! As difficult as it was, and it was, and as briefly I was able to look at her, with her hands in my hands which mine were sweating clenched together, heart racing she reminded me that God is very patient and will not rush the process to my healing. Well, He certainly is. After all it took close to a year and a half to get to this point to begin with.

55 comments:

  1. I am surprised that you were abused at so young, 4 to 6 and hid in the hamper. I see how it was for you, extreme conditions. It's true that unless a person was abused themselves, they really do not comprehend the act.

    Secretia

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  2. the shame will let go. little by little. it doesn't like being aired. seeing light. and as it does, it shrinks. and shrinks again. until you are released from its terrible bond. one which you weren't meant to be tethered to...

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  3. JBR,please know that God Heals Hearts. The heart is that amazing place where we live out of, the place where our true motives are, the place where the Spirit of God dwells in us, the place where the rubber meets the road and what we want to be and who we actually are is discerned by God. God heals this place. It'll take time. God Bless.

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  4. Sweetie my eyes teared up reading your story. No one deserves what you went through. Hang on honey.

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  5. Praying for God's strength to be yours JBR! May the heavenly Father's love continue to cover you and take over the pain caused by your earthly father. Hang in there.

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  6. ((((((((JBR)))))))

    Here listening.

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  7. I don't know what to say ... .wanted you to know that I was here ... I am so very sorry, JBR. Keeping you in my prayers.

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  8. Loving you, and praying for you.

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  9. It is very painful letting the 'light' of the spirit into that very dark box your 'little JBR' is hiding in. But with just a little crack, God can (in God time) spread more and more light into that space until it is beautiful light in there.

    When we continue to do our part, it happens.

    PG

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  10. There is no shame in surviving, JBR. I know it's much easier to say that than to embrace it, but I truly believe you are so strong for enduring what you have endured. My hope is that you give yourself some credit from coming so far.

    Wishing you well,
    NOS

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  11. I read somewhere that God has a soft spot for our pain. He understands and like yousaid is patient with us. He knows what you've been through. Love your blog. Marchie

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  12. "The righteous cry out, and the LORD hears them; he delivers them from all their troubles."
    Psalm 34:17

    Sweet ((((JBR))))~

    God is right there with you, holding your hand, helping you walk through these painful memories. Do not be discouraged, Precious One. He will NEVER leave you!

    I am so very proud of you that you did NOT recoil and cut off the world, as it is so easy to do. You needed some time to process it all, but then you put it right out there. Satan is loosing his grip on your hurt and your painful memories.

    PRAISE GOD!

    Blessings~
    Laura

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  13. So sorry, but I'm glad you shared this. Therapy can really bring things back in a way that takes us right back. Have a good weekend and know that you are cared for!

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  14. JBR, thsi shame doesnt belong to you. The time will come where is slowly but surely goes away. it was never your fault, never your doing and it is possible to reject this shame instead of love and self acceptance. You have come a long way as now you were able to look at yout T for a moment. That is quite a success of which you can proud. Please dont disregard your success. Little Paula wuld love to take little JBR by her hand and help her to stay safe and feel aprpeciated till big JBR can be here for her more often. Love you

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  15. JBR,
    Paula is right. This is not your shame but the shame of those who harmed you. A child cannot apply the shame to the proper person where it belongs. They think that something is wrong with them and not the person who committed the evil. Each person is responsible for their own acts. May God heal you and bring peace to your heart. You are in my prayers.

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  16. God is patient and will reveal what you can handle when you can handle - no more.

    Please know you are loved!!

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  17. I think your headed in a very positive direction. You are blessed and supported.

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  18. I think the pain of shame is oneof the most painful issues to deal with. May be wrong. Jsut speaking from experience. I'm so sorry that your upbringing caused so much shame. But sounds like your in good hands with the Lord and your counselor.

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  19. My heart aches for your little girl self but it is not your shame to bear. The shame sits upon your abusers. God will lift you up and away from your hiding place, He will feel your heart with self love and the confidence that only He can provide. That I know He will do for you.

    God bless and have a sweet peaceful weekend!!!

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  20. I've often think where would I be today if it wasn't for the abuse. Thanks for reminding me there's hope.

    Lindsay

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  21. You Are getting closer to where God wants you to be. Pain is not easy in recovery. Rooting you on JBR

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  22. Thank you for having the courage to write this blog concerning your dad....and it did take courage. So many courageous acts you are doing in your life, even if it doesn't feel like it, you are, and God is there with you, and I hope you can feel His arms wrapped around you for the next few days and the comfort of the Holy Spirit's presence so real to you.
    My current t. and the many in the past also believed I was a victim of my father's sexual abuse. I always knew I lived in fear of him for all the other types of abuse, but then God gave me a dream years ago. When this happens, I awaken and remember every single detail. I was in the kitchen with my mom, maybe age 4, and I could see in the eating area a man holding a small girl in his lap fondling her. I ran and told my mom, but she told me that there was nothing happening, nothing going on. I continued to peek in the room, and when this man, who I could only see the back of his head and a little of the side of his face (I think I couldn't bear to see who it was), would go back to fondling this little girl when he thought I wasn't looking. I kept going back to my mom, and she kept denying again to me that nothing was wrong. This dream was very telling for me and confirmed to me that what all these t's had been telling me for years was probably true. I came to find out later that my dad had confided in my twin sister that he had been molested as a child.
    I'm getting ready to fly to Atlanta in a couple of weeks with my daughter to see my mom. She has been diagnosed with lung cancer and they want to remove the mass a.s.a.p. I dread seeing my dad as I always have. God will give me the courage to face those demons of fear when I'm around him. Always praying for you J.B.R. xo Janie

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  23. I feel for you...felt like I was there in the therapy room watching and hurting. Bravo to you for keeping it real. YOU played a HUGE role in me setting up my new blog where I can be real. ((hugs))

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  24. Wow...your words are so powerful tonight. I know how difficult it is to "feel" the shame (that you don't deserve) and to talk of it and then try to look your T in the eyes...so very hard. And you are so very strong...
    (((((JBR)))))
    ~ Gracie

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  25. You have such a beautiful heart...praying for you....

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  26. The more you share the more you will unburden from your soul and this is very good because you will understand
    That innocent children carry no shame.You can look at the sun as a survivor moving forward.
    Monsters live on this planet and no sin is worse than betraying the trust of innocence.The guilty will be punished, It is a question of time and all you have to do, is to be patient.God Bless you.

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  27. Kate in OhioMarch 12, 2010

    Do you know why you're a survivor? Some may call it fate, survival of the fittest, mental or emotional fortitude, or divine intervention. It is because God has a big and better plan for you as you make your way through your pain.

    I'm new to your bloggy and am very impressed with your willingness to get well. All the best. kate

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  28. JBR,

    I for one am thankful that the Holy Spirit led you to write this. There are so many out there and hurting like you have been and need the healing that your post offers. Thank you!

    Love and Hugs ~ Kat

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  29. Have'nt been here in a while Just Be Real. You've been through some difficult stuff. It can only get better.

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  30. JBR: I feel anger that your childhood was stolen and you were made to feel fear & responsibility for the neglect/abuse you suffered. You matter in this world, there is no shame in being a victim. You are a survivor who needs to be proud that you are working through very deeply rooted feelings, work that requires a lot of strength. Hang in there, you are in my prayers...

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  31. I just wanted to stop by and thank for you commenting on my weightloss blog. But when I read your info in your profile, I now want to say thank you! I too am a survivor of childhood sexual abuse, verbal abuse, and so much more. It is something that takes a lifetime to recover from, and it looks like your doing a wonderful job at that (even when it might not feel like it).

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  32. I'd be afraid. Your courage inspires me but I don't think I could do what your doing. Possibly one day. Keep going. Heidi

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  33. as Heidi said...your courage inspires...keep going...JBR...I'm glad you're here...I'm thankful for your honesty and transperancy.

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  34. The shame is not your shame.
    Hugs and prayers.

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  35. Praying for you that Jesus touches you.

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  36. So proud of you JBR, what you felt is not nearly as important as what you did... faced it down and opened one more place in your heart to His healing... it's a process, and you are moving forward!

    Hugs!

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  37. There is nothing wrong with you, dear, sweet friend. There is no condemnation in Christ Jesus. God so loves you and the Holy Spirit is committed to your healing. God shines His light in all the dark corners of our soul and with that light the enemy must flee. Writing and blogging is your way to let out the hurt. Let the Lord lead you in continuing your journey.
    love, in Jesus,
    Debra

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  38. Dear JBR-- with all that you have experienced, and all that you are experiencing in order to be whole again, I simply say thank you, for allowing us to see your process to wholeness! God is such a mighty God! He heals all pain--the most difficult and those like mine that are not so difficult as I thought. I thank God for your honesty and I know that you bless many lives. We humans suffer many types of pain. But not all of us are honest enough to share that pain. It's amazing how God can even use the pain we suffer and turn it to blessings that actually helps others! Thank you for your honest testimony! I know for sure that God is blessing you and strengthening you through your very, very difficult path to completeness in Him. Praise the Lord from who all blessings flow! Without Him there is no healing! Thank You Lord that You made a way for healing for all--for me and especially for JBR!!

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  39. JBR has it ever occurred to you to believe that God can take your failures and your past and use them to encourage and bless others?

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  40. Thanks for sharing, JBR. Tough stuff, for sure. Hang in there and be gentle with yourself. ang

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  41. Hi JBR,
    Great post, and it rings a lot of bells with me. "Little JBR' took on the critical spirit of her 'earthly daddy' blaming herself." That was me as well, even after reaching adulthood, I kept that critical spirit process going on every time I blew it or made a mistake.

    And it is so awesome that God is so patient in bringing about our healing and release from such issues.

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  42. Hi My sweet sister,
    I just wanted to give you a ((( Hugz))) and let you know that I continue to pray for a healing as you go through the many rooms of your soul. Remember you are fearfully and wonderfully made by the great physician himself Jesus Christ.

    Hugz Lorie

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  43. hi jbr, i'm so sorry you had to go through so much pain. shame certainly is painful and is a way that abuse continues in such a terrible way. we feel that there's something wrong with us because of what happened. it's such a sad and unjust feeling.

    i'm glad to see you have so many bloggers who support and love you~ and i know you have strong faith. you are certainly not alone.

    wishing you well~

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  44. The child's shame, brought into the light and seen for what it is, will shrink steadily, until finally you are strengthened by what happened to you, rather than defeated. So it was for me, with the help of a good therapist and a faith in God's love and acceptance.

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  45. It really is good to talk about things, that's the road to healing. Just keep speaking positive things outloud, about how God sees you, and remember that He loves you so very much!

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  46. Thinking of you. HUGS

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  47. Returning to support your with more encouragement. Hoping your weekend was a good one and that you're loved by many and God espeically. God Bless.

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  48. Thank you for sharing. I've found that isolation is seldom the answer. Big hugs to you my friend. What you are doing is hard.

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  49. Sorry if I offended you with my recent post. I didn't have many followers and just realized you stopped following me. I wish you the best on this journey and will pray for your complete healing. ((Hugs)) and love in Christ.

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  50. God is patient. And so are we. As helpful as talking is, there is time for silence, peace and introspection. Don't feel obligated to push yourself past something you feel ready to do for us. We want the best for you. We are patient, too.

    Your healing in so many ways, JBR. I am praying for you!

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  51. JBR....I wish so much that there was some magical thing I could say...some words of wisdom that would help in year healing....but I'm really bad at saying the right thing. Just know that I think you are one of the most brave people I know of! I have no idea personally what it's like to face what you're facing. But I see your determination, your vulnerability and I am in awe. I read your blog all thet time but I rarely comment...just simply because it doesn't seem right to comment on something I know nothing about.
    You are never far from my mind...and my prayers.
    Thank you for sharing your story...thanks for helping others (mostly me)to become more aware.
    I hope you have a very good and healthy week.

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  52. As human beings we are not meant to carry such a heavey burden of shame or guilt on our own. Thank you for sharing your incredible healing journey with me for I am know that you have helped so many by your honesty.

    God is love, you are loved by so many.
    Peace and much love.
    Pam

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  53. I am proud of you. You have the courage to type this own. You know you weren't wrong. You're strong. VERY VERY STRONG.

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  54. I do understand that 'little JBR' and the shame. Not being able to look at your counselor, covering your eyes. I remember it so well, from my early part of my walk with Jesus, as He set about unraveling the mess in my heart.

    I didn't endure the extent of the abuse you have gone through, and some of it was self-inflicted when I was older, but shame is shame, and it wants to hide in the darkness. The best cure and deliverance is the light. As you are doing; bringing it to the light (He is Light).

    Well done and keep going precious one...

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