This past week has been a struggle for me. Have not felt like doing much of anything. Even blogging. Work is a struggle even getting there. I cannot wait to get out of work and go home, eat then go to bed.
I do not feel I regressed, or say I am any more depressed and sad than normal, but I believe this is a new stage I am entering in my journey. More of a "let go, as painful as it is" stage. A stage where I am having to trust God fully. Which I am having difficulty in doing.
At work now, I am finding myself just stepping back. Going through the motions. More to my self. Letting certain situations fall into place as they happen, i.e. dealing with people pleasing. Then at the same time trying to be open to the Holy Spirit and what He has to reveal to me through this process. Showing still how painful it is to me to feel rejected and be used by others.
What I feel impressed upon me these couple of days that keeps coming up in my spirit, that is helping me to deal with what is going on around me is the phrase that, 'people will just do that.' People can be mean to me, reject me, use me, etc. Even though it is not right.
I have been hurt and disappointed so many times in my life, that I never came to grips with the fact that people, even I, can be pretty nasty. I would poo poo how they treated me and have an excuse for them or just take it on, which was most of the time, that it was my fault that the reason they are treating me this way is because of me and they are "entitled" to it.
I have used that word "entitled" before, when explaining that during my Junior and High School days letting some boys have their way with me. Back then I did not know what a boundary was. Again, entitlement. All stemming from, what I believe was when my brother sexually abused me at a younger age.
When I was abused as a child, not just sexually by my brother, but emotionally and physically as well by my parents, I carried with me into the present the shame that I am learning "is not mine." Blaming myself or accepting what was done to me, as little as I can remember, I claimed was my fault.
Right now I see this lie.
Trusting in order to work through the shame is still very hard.
the beauty in growth is learning, learning boundaries, how to say no and trusting in your faith and decisions. hope you have a better week.
ReplyDelete((((JB))))~
ReplyDeleteI am sorry to hear about your week. Praying today for your spirit to be lifted!
Blessings~
Laura
JBR your struggles will strengthen you in the end. What your dealing with now that is being brought up, the Lord is allowing. Your pain in facing your demons headon will one day be looked upon as such a victory. Hang in there. As hard as it can be to trust God he's with you.
ReplyDeleteSeeing, releasing, forgiving,(both ourselves and others) growing, believing, is a process, up and down, in and out. So hard at times.
ReplyDeleteHugs!!!
JBR,
ReplyDeleteSending Hugs to you... (((JBR)))
Blessings,
Tammy
I inherit one "disaster" after another, and yes sometimes, my faith can't carry me through. I can relate to those feelings, and I hope you will find your way soon..Hugs!
ReplyDeleteSweetie i can't emphasize more how courageous you are. Trust is hard when it has been broken. God understands that and will be patient with you. (((JBR)))
ReplyDeleteThat is the most important revelation ever, that it is not the fault of the person who was abused.
ReplyDeleteSecretia
Oh my dear new friend, "Blest be the tie that binds..."
ReplyDeletesmooches,
Larie
Praying today will prove to be a better day. Hang in there...remember, this is just another step in the journey.
ReplyDeleteHugs, andrea
JBR, you are so blessed and loved by so many including God. I don't think we are suppose to know all of His plans for us. We trust Him completely with our lives.
ReplyDeleteI am so proud of you for shaing your story. You have helped me so much in my own healing.
I lift you up in prayers that you will know how worthy you are.
Let go and let God heal.
Big hugs today and always,
Pam
It seems as though you see the big picture of why you are struggling with things the way you are now. I know that doesn't make it any easier. In fact, sometimes it makes it that much more challenging and painful for us. I'm glad you shared all your feelings with us in this post. That alone will help you release a bit of your pain. Remember, God is right there healing alongside of you. Keep your head held high my friend because YOU are NOT to blame.
ReplyDeleteHugs!!!
So sorry you had a bad week. I pray that this day finds you much better.
ReplyDeleteGod will heal you in his time and in his way.
You are his child.
Hugs and blessings to you my dear friend.
Hang in there JBR!!! Let your batteries recharge!
ReplyDeleteYou might take a look at what Emmett Fox has to say about forgiveness in his "Sermon on the Mount." My wife, Peggy, shares many similar issues and it has been huge for her. Also remember, you are cared for!
ReplyDeleteKeep going. I know you've probably heard it many times, and here's one more, "it's all part of the process"
ReplyDeleteOh yeah, this shame we own is not our shame. It belongs to THEM big time. Our pain and pattern is with us for so very long hence the chnage will take some time too. When I started the therapy for the abuse many years ago, I had to learn that changing the pattern is harder then to go one as before. Living healthy was a goal, I imagiend it it wuld be wodnerful, anticipating paradise! That tehy way to reach my goal ws plsatered with the tears of my sould and teh blood of my heart I refused to see for long. By now I know it takes so very long. Your are deep in this process, you are doing awesome, you are processing and progressing. Every day a step closer to freedom, every day. Love to you
ReplyDeletePraying for your week to greatly improve sweetie, love you.
ReplyDeleteI was told by a dear therapist who is still my friend, that we are given lies sometimes in our childhoods and it's up to us and our HP to help us discern the lies and not live up to them, what we do with them as adults is now our choice...
ReplyDeleteI remind myself that my hp wants me to be happy joyous and free, to allow my spirit to be as it is and others to be where they are.
You are in such a difficult but yet it will be incredibly rewarding, I think as life begins to bloom and slough off the winter we all feel weary from it and timid to show our blooming selves.
Hang in there know you are much loved!!!
Praying that this low days are the days where you are being filled more and more by Him and being stronger in His might! Take care JBR! Hang in there...God bless.
ReplyDeleteThe enemy sends a lot of lies...to delay victory...not stop the victory...because the battle has been won already...but his tactics can delay our personal victories...keep holding the King's hand...He knows....
ReplyDeleteDear JBR I know the pain of shame. When you're shamed, it hurts. Your soul, that inner spirit which animates you can be destroyed. I am so sorry your past has subjected you to this pain. But I'm glad that you;re working to change that. You've alot of support here. People care. REmember that. Please remember that.
ReplyDeleteA Friend
It is so painfully hard. I am familiar with the process. But, good for you for working on the lie. ((((((JBR))))))
ReplyDeletePhysical and sexual abuse as a child changes every way we think. It even affects our trust of our loving heavenly Father. You are working through all of this.Time is the key. Hang on my friend.
ReplyDeletePraise God that you can see it for what it is.....a lie!
ReplyDeleteYou are doing so well on this difficult journey, precious one! God is healing you in His way in His time, and His timing is PERFECT!
Blessings~
Laura
“The one who trusts in him will never be put to shame.”
ReplyDeleteRomans 9:33
More growth, though it may be painful, is taking place in you my dear friend. I can see it! Even David took time to "get away." I think you are in a good place. The Blanket of the Holy Spirit be wrapped around you this day. xoxo janie
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