LIVID/A BLIND RAGE

I know without a doubt some of you are going to disagree with me on this post, and that is fine. I respect your opinions.

Right now I am so very livid and I need to express this here besides going off earlier!!!

My mother calls me from her cell phone from down stairs of my apartment and in her usual manner says, "Come down I have something for you?"

Never asks are you free to come down or did not even bother to call to let me know she was coming a head of time. She just does what she always does, what ever suits her and I have always obeyed! She could tell over the phone how livid I was.

I hate the feeling that she can come by anytime and just enter my space!!

Ironically not just five minutes before I was asking God to fill me with His presence, I would like to experience His love. Ha Ha!!! Well, that went out the window when she called!!

Yes, we can read into it, that this may have been a test. Well, I certainly did not do well in the moment. Because it is the same dang blasted thing over and over and over again I go through with her.

I do not know how many times I have told her not to buy anything for me anymore. This time, she witnessed my anger head on. I told her she should have called me before hand. She said she did not have the time, she just went shopping and thought she would drop this gift, which I do not care for over my place. Her reply when I took it from her was, "you don't want it?" No I don't want it, and I took it and left in a huff.

I know she was hurt. I will find out later on just how hurt. But, even though I am angry now, I refuse to take on THIS GUILT she constantly throws at me.

I know a lot of you have loving mothers and that is wonderful. But, you need to understand the motive behind my mother's actions:

She is controlling.

She is fearful.

She is going through sick co-dependent withdrawals from me. So am I. But, I have the healthier end for once. She does not see me as often as she once had (because I am calling the shots, or at least trying to) and tries and finds any excuse possible to see me over the weekend. However briefly. She will not respect that I have a life or at least trying to gain one.

Sorry for the rant, but I had to let this out.

I repented before God for my outburst as I was not only yelling at my mother I was yelling at God and using some choice words that I should not have. And yes, even though I DID NOT WANT TO I just got off the phone with my mother and apologized. She is strong as nails. This would have crushed me to death!! She beat me down all these years.

While talking with her again, she did not hear what I was saying. She said, "so I have to make an appointment to come and see you?" Then she went on, like clockwork with what a great sale she got on this item and how much my brother is going to love it as well.

I apologized to her a few times about my outburst only. She did not hear that. She continued to say to me why she has to make an appointment to see me? I kept on telling her I have my own life and if I had some "friends" over it would have been nice regardless if you would just come out and say, am I busy and would you mind coming down stairs and getting something besides just ordering me to come down stairs figuring I have nothing better to do. That she could not grasp!

I ended the conversation as we were getting nowhere with, "again I am sorry." I could tell she was not happy. But, if anything I learned from t. is that, I am not responsible for her happiness.

So, I did pass the second part of the test which was to apologize and not take on her guilt. It is hard. It is taking all that is in me not to feel shame and guilt! I mean all!!! Even feeling guilty before God!

Romans 8:1 have to keep on meditating on.

Sure I could have initially not picked up the phone, but that would have been worse, because she would come up and let herself into my apartment and there I stand.

I have to get a better grip on my response with her though. I literally go into a blind rage. I see nothing else. I have so much pent up anger towards her because now I am accepting that she is invading my life!

Talk about a migraine. (***JBR heads for medicine cabinet now***)

I'm done ranting......