"Yet a time is coming
and has now come when the true worshipers will worship
the Father in spirit and truth, for they are the
kind of worshipers the Father seeks." - John 4:23

My Heavenly Daddy is healing
me from the inside out.

Transparency is Real.
Many times painful.

Daddy let me be secure in You only!

Saturday, April 17, 2010


I know without a doubt some of you are going to disagree with me on this post, and that is fine. I respect your opinions.

Right now I am so very livid and I need to express this here besides going off earlier!!!

My mother calls me from her cell phone from down stairs of my apartment and in her usual manner says, "Come down I have something for you?"

Never asks are you free to come down or did not even bother to call to let me know she was coming a head of time. She just does what she always does, what ever suits her and I have always obeyed! She could tell over the phone how livid I was.

I hate the feeling that she can come by anytime and just enter my space!!

Ironically not just five minutes before I was asking God to fill me with His presence, I would like to experience His love. Ha Ha!!! Well, that went out the window when she called!!

Yes, we can read into it, that this may have been a test. Well, I certainly did not do well in the moment. Because it is the same dang blasted thing over and over and over again I go through with her.

I do not know how many times I have told her not to buy anything for me anymore. This time, she witnessed my anger head on. I told her she should have called me before hand. She said she did not have the time, she just went shopping and thought she would drop this gift, which I do not care for over my place. Her reply when I took it from her was, "you don't want it?" No I don't want it, and I took it and left in a huff.

I know she was hurt. I will find out later on just how hurt. But, even though I am angry now, I refuse to take on THIS GUILT she constantly throws at me.

I know a lot of you have loving mothers and that is wonderful. But, you need to understand the motive behind my mother's actions:

She is controlling.

She is fearful.

She is going through sick co-dependent withdrawals from me. So am I. But, I have the healthier end for once. She does not see me as often as she once had (because I am calling the shots, or at least trying to) and tries and finds any excuse possible to see me over the weekend. However briefly. She will not respect that I have a life or at least trying to gain one.

Sorry for the rant, but I had to let this out.

I repented before God for my outburst as I was not only yelling at my mother I was yelling at God and using some choice words that I should not have. And yes, even though I DID NOT WANT TO I just got off the phone with my mother and apologized. She is strong as nails. This would have crushed me to death!! She beat me down all these years.

While talking with her again, she did not hear what I was saying. She said, "so I have to make an appointment to come and see you?" Then she went on, like clockwork with what a great sale she got on this item and how much my brother is going to love it as well.

I apologized to her a few times about my outburst only. She did not hear that. She continued to say to me why she has to make an appointment to see me? I kept on telling her I have my own life and if I had some "friends" over it would have been nice regardless if you would just come out and say, am I busy and would you mind coming down stairs and getting something besides just ordering me to come down stairs figuring I have nothing better to do. That she could not grasp!

I ended the conversation as we were getting nowhere with, "again I am sorry." I could tell she was not happy. But, if anything I learned from t. is that, I am not responsible for her happiness.

So, I did pass the second part of the test which was to apologize and not take on her guilt. It is hard. It is taking all that is in me not to feel shame and guilt! I mean all!!! Even feeling guilty before God!

Romans 8:1 have to keep on meditating on.

Sure I could have initially not picked up the phone, but that would have been worse, because she would come up and let herself into my apartment and there I stand.

I have to get a better grip on my response with her though. I literally go into a blind rage. I see nothing else. I have so much pent up anger towards her because now I am accepting that she is invading my life!

Talk about a migraine. (***JBR heads for medicine cabinet now***)

I'm done ranting......


  1. Praying for you, and your mom.

  2. I'm sorry you're having a difficult time with your Mother & I appreciate your honesty and your need to vent. I got mad at something someone did the other day. My husband sells insurance and this guy who works with my brother didn't have a car or much money. My husband gave him our old truck and said if you get your insurance with me, you can have the truck for FREE. The guy took the truck, sold it for $700 and then got insurance with another company because he said it was cheaper. My husband felt taken advantage of but I got down right angry! After I said some not so nice words, the Lord convicted me with His still small voice, I heard in my spirit "in your anger, do not sin". I knew immediately that God understood my anger, but for my own good, He didn't want me to give the enemy a foothold of bitterness in my heart. I had to let it go. I know that my situation is MUCH easier because this was a one time incident and I'll probably never see this guy again. It's not a lifetime of hurt and anger. I do pray though, for your sake, that in your anger, you don't allow any sin to take hold of you. Keep praying like you were and eventually it will get easier. May God bless you!!!

  3. I can relate and I agree. Except for one point: how is it possible that your mother can enter your space at any time? Change the lock. You are an adult. And yes, our of respect she has to make an appointment and she has to call beforehand if she is around. RESPECT. Yeah, the withdrawals are heavy stuff. You are doing great and I congratulate you on leaving the guilt where it belongs. Chapeau!

  4. JBR...baby steps my love...baby steps!!! As they say "progress NOT perfection." You are STILL a Daughter of the Most High God, you are STILL an amazing woman saved by GRACE who sins and falls short of the mark but re-read your entry..."I refuse to take on THIS GUILT she constantly throws at me." That is the line that spoke to me...volumes!!!!! That is huge growth when we reach that point...Again I would be dancing with my shoes off and praising the Lord...baby steps ;=o)
    I AM VERY PROUD OF YOU...it is not always going to come out tactfully and gracefully..our stuff didn't come to us like that ya know? You are setting boundaries is it the way you or others thing you 'should' probably not...is it getting done..hell ya...
    It is time to celebrate!!!!! If I didn't know better I would think you and I were sister's from another mister lol in other words your mom sounds like she was made from the exact same mold as mine...
    I am going to say again congratulations for you!!! I am very, very proud of you!! It is hard, and awkward to set boundaries with a controlling, fearful mother...I know first hand...it will get easier and more tactful and graceful from here on out friend...I love you and thank you for giving me hope today it has been one heck of a week. I will celebrate your victory tonite!!! Thank you for sharing the journey to YOU ;=o)

  5. Praying for you and the situation...Ecclesiastes 3 comes to mind...verse 7 says:

    "A time to tear and a time to mend.
    A time to be quiet and a time to speak."

    It must have been your time to speak...follow the Lord and listen to your heart...He will be with you through all the different times...

  6. Do you have a copy of The Adult Child's Guide to What is Normal? by: Friel is the last name???

    This book helped me to work the tools of recovery from codependency by literally giving me new phrases to use.

    One of the main things is "Uninvited Guest". I love that chapter.

    I know this is hard. I know what this is like...I have had these difficult places, and still...I have a parent trying to invade my space. This is a hard, tough road to walk. I encourage you today JBR - you are seeing this. You are in such a good place for yourself because you are WORKING on it.

    Reasonable expectations and gentleness toward yourself today! You are changing a life time of learned behavior and look...look at how great you are doing at recognizing all of this.

    You are an inspiration and I applaud you today!

  7. you have a right to your anger.
    you have a right to your boundaries.

    One thing that my counselor has told me is to be a "broken record." Come up with one phrase that works for you, like, "I'm not going to come down to talk to you unless you call first." Every time it the situation comes up, you use that phrase. If she argues, you repeat the phrase. If she says, "but I...." you repeat the phrase. If she calls you later to say, "Why do I..." you repeat the phrase.

    Eventually, I understand, they are supposed to get it.

    I am with my parents - and entire extended family - this weekend for a family wedding. I feel your pain.

  8. JBR, this post resonates with me....I have no judgments when it comes to how we make our relationships work with our families. Families to me are complex and even though mine is deceased, I still have my own issues and my own work to go through. I always appreciate honesty in our posts and our reactions and actions taken working our programs, honestly you are a miracle to me and you really show me in many ways how to work the program and how to become myself.

  9. You have no reason to apologize for anything. Setting boundaries is difficult, but you did it. Just do what feels right for you and don't worry about anything else.

    While my mother is deceased, I still have issues with her and what she put us through.

    Remember, you are worthy, you are a child of God, and if he is for you, who can be against you.

    Big hugs and be kind to yourself.

  10. I get it girl. I think that it is so GOOD that you apologized so quickly. Sometimes you have to do what you have to do to break away and just be free. Maybe yelling at her may not have been the best choice (though I understand why you did), but you have repented so DO NOT FEEL GUILTY. Also, don't let it ruin you day. It seems that you are gaining ground so the devil may try to throw things in your way, but just keep praying and looking at things as a test is the best way (I think) to try and combat these times and incidents. I will be praying for you and your mother. xoxo

  11. JBR: Hoping the headache is better. This must be the weekend for them!!!

    Glad you didn't get guilt tripped by your mom. That's a hard one for anybody to not do!!!

  12. It sounds like you are doing really well...despite how you might feel. Many prayers for peace and strength.

  13. Being honest is never wrong. Apologizing may not have meant anything to your mom and that's ok. I am sure it meant something to you. I'm proud of you.

  14. "hello, hello"..hubby and I hear as we are in the bedroom getting ready to go out..It's my mother. Who has entered into my house~! TODAY! lol...sound familiar girl! Yes, it was my birthday. Yes, I should be delighted that she came by..I am...I'm thankful...but like you, I DO not have a loving wonderful mother/daughter relationship. I don't. I'm 46 years old and here I am, a daughter who has a mother that when it is convenient for her, I'm wanted (which isn't for a very long period of time when it does happen).

    I shared with my husband tonight over dinner how ironic that the Lord would place two people together, with parents that that really don't want to have much to do with us...I told him that we are different, and we will be different with our grandchildren. We are family...this family that God has brought together hubby and I, our children, and God willing later on...spouses and grandchildren. The cycle is broken...the curse of dysfunction is being broken and Randy and I are being healed. I loved what what woman wrote...

    it is not always going to come out tactfully and gracefully

    would be dancing with my shoes off and praising the Lord...baby steps

    I like that....((Hugs)) I wasn't offended or thought you said anything that I wouldn't have felt, reacted or said myself..

    Love ya girl..your doing awesome!!

  15. It's ok to be angry at your mom. I think the important thing is to maybe talk to her once you have calmed down and set some boundaries (you are already in the process of doing this), tell her that if she shows up unannounced you will not see her unless she gives you at least an hour warning (or something similar to that), don't reward the things she does that hurt you.

    And also, when you speak to her make your intentions clear. Start a sentence like "my intention wasn't to hurt you but it really upset me when you came over unannounced." or "the truth is it makes me angry when you come over without asking me if it's ok." These kind of statements are hard to argue with or misconstrue. Don't make excuses for her, ask for what you want and stick with it, she is an adult and can handle it. That may seem harsh but it's true.

    I have recently gone through these issues with my parents, to the point that I had to cut off completely from them because our relationship was too unhealthy. I hope this doesn't happen to you, and I hope you can find your voice in all of this.

    Love, Catherine

  16. I'm sorry you are having so much trouble with your Mom ... that's disheartening. It seems to me your Mom was more interested in the THING she brought to you and NOT you ... sometimes people GIVE things b'c they don't know WHAT else to do ... and I find that I have fallen into the GIVE something - whether it is a service or thing WHEN I feel rejected ... it's a default setting in me. I did it FOR years whenever I was feeling rejected by some ministers that I worked on a volunteer basis with ... whenever I felt that I was fearful and rejected I did that. WHEN I quit giving things to them they predictably rejected me b'c that's ALL I was here for. Well that's my reason ... a book on Boundaries or a co-dependent book wouldn't HELP your Mom understand?
    God bless and praying for you.

  17. I have heard a few people say in different Al-anon meetings that the first time or even first few times we do something new...such as set a boundary, it usually comes out in screams or tears or just off the wall. but, the truth is, we did GREAT! of COURSE it comes out that way! Because, we have to learn somehow. We just learn what to tweak. Kinda like learning a language...the first time we try to use it in the foreign country, Where is teh bathroom? may come out what are a bathroom? you know?

    Just keep trying! you will get it right! AWESOME FOR TRYING, JBR!


  18. you were riht for getting upset... I agree with you on everything you said... she should learn how to listen when being spoken to. Also, why does she come to your place without calling first, why does she have access into your home? You may want to change the lock or something.... I would in a heartbeat.

  19. Yikes JBR...I'm exhausted reading this...you must feel wiped when you're in her presence...Keep fighting to take care of yourself and I agree...you're not responsible for her feelings...In your corner.

  20. I thank God for my AA and Al-Anon programs. The 10th step shows me how to make amends to clean up my side of the street without having to be in control of the results (how they take it or not). I'm not in control anyway. :)

    Sharing these kinds of angers, frustrations, etc. with another person face-to-face cuts my problems in half and allows me to feel and then dump my negative emotions.

    God bless you. I hear exactly what you are saying about your mom. Keep up the good work of taking care of yourself.


  21. Thanks for posting your "real" feelings about this encounter with your mom. you are learning to draw lines, and will get angry at her at times. After all, there is so many years of pent up anger that God is unraveling. I appreciate that you did apologize, but even though your mom didn't even hear it, you did it. I'm proud of you. Another sign of your healing. xoxo