"Yet a time is coming
and has now come when the true worshipers will worship
the Father in spirit and truth, for they are the
kind of worshipers the Father seeks." - John 4:23

My Heavenly Daddy is healing
me from the inside out.

Transparency is Real.
Many times painful.

Daddy let me be secure in You only!

Saturday, May 22, 2010

DIFFICULT


Lately I am finding it difficult "just being" and "showing up" like I said and letting God do His healing in me.

In my heart, I still hold on to that I have to earn God's love and approval to be accepted and worthy. People and circumstances can still bring on extreme shame. This makes me very sad that I continue to think this way.

I am going through a very difficult time right now. Hard for me to be even motivated to blog.

A lot of my feelings have been dead so long. Walls still remain up that have to come down around my heart.

At times want to give up and quit.

Have been thinking this past week about trying to begin to read The Velveteen Woman my t. gave me well over a year ago. At the time I was not ready to read the book. I still do not know if I am.

But, before picking up the book, last Thursday, I prayed to God however long it takes me to get through this book, and if need be, read it again, that I do not rush the process.

"Rushing" has been my M.O. all my life basically with everything. Rushing through projects, reading, driving, talking, walking, thinking, journey etc. I just wanted to get whatever over with quickly! Never giving my best or enjoying the results. I have not cared.

I have held onto so much anger, resentment, bitterness to this day because I was always "told" to do things, instead of "asked." Then shamed and made to feel guilty if I did not. Both my parents have been experts in this area. Then all the above emotions just festered inside of me for so many years. My mother would say to slow down that I was too fast and then I never did whatever correctly to begin with. My dad was not patient with me. He wanted me to understand the first time he explained something to me. Which made me feel inadequate and stupid when he would become disappointed in me.

So, as I began reading The Velveteen Woman, trying not to rush through the chapters, I would find myself two pages further ahead, wondering how I got there?

Having no clue what I just read. My mind goes off and wanders. So, there I go and re-read those pages again over and over in order to comprehend what I am reading. Unfortunately this is going to be a slow continuous occurrence.

The key word here is, "comprehending." Although I am understanding what I am reading, it is only reaching my mind.

If comprehending is all I am capable of doing now, then so be it.

21 comments:

  1. there are alot times in the day that I just sit and play my video games on my computer.It is all that I feel like doing.

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  2. What I'm hearing about your childhood is that you were getting two contradictory messages. Mom: slow down. Dad: get it NOW. That's a difficult position for a kid to be in because not only does the kid have to decide which message is wiser for themselves, but also any choice might feel like choosing between parents.

    I see a little of that tension between your parents' advice being played out in your writing about the reading. One part of you is saying "Slow is ok" and another part is saying "slow is unfortunate". I wonder: why is it unfortunate that this will be a slow process? Is it possible that slow is in fact fortunate because slow is what you need in this moment now? Could slow be mercy rather than misfortune?

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  3. JBR, please don't give up. I think a lot of folks feel the same way and struggle every day with our feelings. I know I do. I think this is part of the process we take to become whole.

    You are so worthy. Worthy as a child of God. You know that you were loved even before you were born. God loves you no matter what, unconditionally loves you. He has a plan for you. You are LOVED. You do not earn his love or Grace. God loves you just the way you are. Everyday look in the mirror and tell yourself that over and over. I keep your sweet spirit in my prayers for a healing of your spirit.

    I struggle right along with you. Ups and downs. I believe Satan does not want us to succeed. He is always looking for a way to bring christians down. Fight the good fight and don't let Satan steal you joy or God's love.

    Your post so aptly describes me to a tee, especially the concentration and comphrension. Just know that you are not alone. This too shall pass and sometimes waiting is the most difficult part. Be still and know that I am God.

    Peace and love,
    Pam

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  4. JBR,

    Sounds like a good read and like all the books you share...I hope you will share excerpts from it so we can all see what you are finding inside.

    Love and Hugs ~ Kat

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  5. Praying for you, JBR, as you take all the time you need...it's a long journey from our head to our heart...so many things can distract along the way...but you can make it...with the Lord's help and support from your friends....

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  6. THANK YOU for this honest post and for the clip from IHOP and the quote. Awesome. I am the same way, yet sometimes God can download a truth into my heart in just a moment of time in the middle of my "busy-ness". He is a good Father.

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  7. I found your blog when I was visiting my sister, Mary's blog...I have to tell you many of us have had to deal with different kinds of abuse as a child..looking back it was the Grace of God and his love than brought to the place I am today. Just knowing He's always loved me no matter what, is there for me thru thick and thin, is all around me protecting me and inside of me to further help me. Sweetie please know that God loves...and we all hold you close in prayer that God will guide you thru all the junk!!! Blessings Child of God!!

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  8. JBR the progress you've made is worth the struggle. Im' sure you've heard that many times. You hang in there girl. Hang in there. God Bless.

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  9. JBR you have been such an encouragement to me. Never give up. The journey can seem long and without a end in sight, but God has a plan.

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  10. JBR, these days can be so tough and long, yet soemthimes all we can do is breathing. Just breath, this too shall pass! I passed too, I never believed it, yet I did. Love from my heart to yours.

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  11. sounds like you are beign diligent int he reading...that is good. i found myself caught in that cycle of earning Gods love. i was a pastor for 5 years, and when i steped out of ministry 18 months ago it was a challenge, i did not feel complete not being in ministry, as if it had become me. it took me about 6 months to come to terms with this and i still get the itch at times, but it is all in His timing...so yeah, i hear where you are coming from...

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  12. We all go through this. Don’t feel so alone. I always think everyone else is so much happier than me. It’s just not always true. I read somewhere that if we pretend we are happy, we become happy. Put a smile on your face and see what happens. Act happy. act content. It doesn’t hurt to try it. It just might work. Its a new dawn and a new day, and a new you...enjoy it all...at least try..

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  13. I do understand what you're going through here. I'm amazed at how you put into words so much of what I feel. Thank you for blogging! I'll have to check out Velveteen Woman.

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  14. Rush. Yes, that's what I was always doing. Rushing to get the day over with (maybe rushing to get my life over with?). Life was so painful. Who had time for joy? What was this joy thing that so many Christians experienced but I seemed unable to? I couldn't figure it out. I think God used my illness to slow me down enough to smell the roses.
    Elizabeth and Pam's comments were great, I read them twice:)

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  15. I'm sorry to hear you are having a hard time right now. I'm right there with you. You are in my thoughts, JBR.

    Wishing you well,
    NOS

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  16. I never cease to pray for you.

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  17. Praying for His guidance and wisdom...Hang in there JBR.

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  18. JBR: sometimes reading and having your mind wander is a good thing, because what you are reading hit a chord.

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  19. I'm a personas well in a rush with life. Tyring to take it slow and let God do the leading.

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  20. Dear JBR,

    I continue to be inspired by your determination. For myself, recovery has been in God's time, not mine. I often pray for willingness to do His will. Beyond that, I simply ask God to reveal to me what he would have me understand today. He always lets me know what I need to know. I can let go of the rest. Big hugs to you.

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  21. There probably wasn't a word you wrote that I can not relate to or what i've been going through, and i am sooo serious. the "just giving up" part hit me, rushing through thing/doing everything perfect, lots if anger, which probably needs to surface since i don't do anger very well. i. like you can not give up hope even though it feels i have. you notice i don't have many encouraging words for you right now except i love you and praying for you sister. janie

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