DIFFICULT

Lately I am finding it difficult "just being" and "showing up" like I said and letting God do His healing in me.

In my heart, I still hold on to that I have to earn God's love and approval to be accepted and worthy. People and circumstances can still bring on extreme shame. This makes me very sad that I continue to think this way.

I am going through a very difficult time right now. Hard for me to be even motivated to blog.

A lot of my feelings have been dead so long. Walls still remain up that have to come down around my heart.

At times want to give up and quit.

Have been thinking this past week about trying to begin to read The Velveteen Woman my t. gave me well over a year ago. At the time I was not ready to read the book. I still do not know if I am.

But, before picking up the book, last Thursday, I prayed to God however long it takes me to get through this book, and if need be, read it again, that I do not rush the process.

"Rushing" has been my M.O. all my life basically with everything. Rushing through projects, reading, driving, talking, walking, thinking, journey etc. I just wanted to get whatever over with quickly! Never giving my best or enjoying the results. I have not cared.

I have held onto so much anger, resentment, bitterness to this day because I was always "told" to do things, instead of "asked." Then shamed and made to feel guilty if I did not. Both my parents have been experts in this area. Then all the above emotions just festered inside of me for so many years. My mother would say to slow down that I was too fast and then I never did whatever correctly to begin with. My dad was not patient with me. He wanted me to understand the first time he explained something to me. Which made me feel inadequate and stupid when he would become disappointed in me.

So, as I began reading The Velveteen Woman, trying not to rush through the chapters, I would find myself two pages further ahead, wondering how I got there?

Having no clue what I just read. My mind goes off and wanders. So, there I go and re-read those pages again over and over in order to comprehend what I am reading. Unfortunately this is going to be a slow continuous occurrence.

The key word here is, "comprehending." Although I am understanding what I am reading, it is only reaching my mind.

If comprehending is all I am capable of doing now, then so be it.