"Yet a time is coming
and has now come when the true worshipers will worship
the Father in spirit and truth, for they are the
kind of worshipers the Father seeks." - John 4:23

My Heavenly Daddy is healing
me from the inside out.

Transparency is Real.
Many times painful.

Daddy let me be secure in You only!

Monday, May 10, 2010

RESENTMENT



Lord I ask that you purify my heart.

Yesterday as I spent Mother's Day dinner with my mother it was difficult once again.

I still hold tremendous resentment towards her.

While I was sitting with her taking on her verbal attacks, I thought to myself, "my other siblings have gotten off easy."

After my parents divorced when I was eleven, my then oldest brother who was still alive, he lived alone and did what he pleased and he knew very well how controlling my mother was and did not want any part of it. In fact, he set boundaries.

My other older brother, who abused me, was shielded by living with my father at the time after my parents divorced.

I had no choice in the matter, or was not given a choice, when it came to who I was going to live with. I was too young. My mother swooped me up after she remarried and moved to another state where I was to live with a strange man and her for the next 15 years. And told to "like it."

Lord continue to refine my heart.

Help me to forgive.




15 comments:

  1. PaulaMay 10, 2010

    However TODAY it is YOUR choice. What the childhood made you is not your responsibility at all, yet what you will become is your responsibility. I believe making the right choices is most important.
    I know mother days is a BIG one yet not chosing yourself but thinking seemingly( I say seemingly) resentful about your siblings? It was your choice and I am sure the time will come where you act differently. Always when u have had a very hard day or made not the choice for yourself on certain occaisions I remember how far you have come, with bankcard, cell phone and starting to set even more boundaries. You will get there to choose more often YOURSELF. I believe in you. MIll of hugs.

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  2. stuck-in-the-middleMay 10, 2010

    Awww JBR hang tight.

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  3. AnonymousMay 10, 2010

    You're on the right path JBR. You're seeing and desiring to change. God will lead you. God Bless.

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  4. AnonymousMay 10, 2010

    Forgiveness is a necessary step to healing from pain. It is a choice to extend mercy to the person who hurt you. Sometimes forgiveness allows you to move forward with the other person and experience a new relationship. Other times, reconciliation is not possible. In this case, forgiveness is more for you and your own personal growth.

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  5. Solid Rock or Sinking SandMay 10, 2010

    May the God of Love hold you tightly dear one. As a child you were never "at fault" or responsible for any adults actions towards you. But now that you are grown, you have complete control of your life and who you allow to influence it. With the help of our Mighty God, He can ease the pain and give you the courage to make it in this world. It is my prayer that you have the peace and joy that only a relationship with Christ can bring. God bless, Lloyd

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  6. Dee DeeMay 10, 2010

    Sweetie, you'll get there. Give it time. He knows exactly what you need.

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  7. AndreaMay 10, 2010

    Praying for you....I struggle with this, too. My grandmother was the person who I refer to as mother...as far as being someone who loved me and greatly impacted my life in a positive way. My biological mother is more like a sister, to this day and our relationship is quite strange...she just doesn't get it. I have surrendered it to the LORD. I can not fix it and frankly I am tired of trying to fix something that she should work on. After all...she is the mother or pretends to be. I have to worry about my kids and grandkids...
    Hugs, love, and prayers,
    andrea

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  8. RCUBEsMay 10, 2010

    Praying for you JBR! I love this song and often play this with my guitar JBR! May He refine our hearts and make us holy! Daily...Blessings JBR!

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  9. DeniseMay 10, 2010

    May God answer all of your prayers, love you.

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  10. LisaMay 10, 2010

    He's bringing you through Sister. You're being refined by the fire and will come out as pure gold.

    PS - I love that song. I've never heard it before!

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  11. Nezzy (Cow Patty Surprise)May 10, 2010

    I so understand sweetie. God can an will give you a peace about this, I know...been there and done that with my father.

    God bless ya and have a marvelous Monday!!!

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  12. AnonymousMay 10, 2010

    I'm sorry you went through that, JBR. You're in my thoughts.

    ((JBR))

    NOS

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  13. lostinamazeMay 10, 2010

    I am just starting to acknowledge within myself how I feel about my mother. I think this will be one of the harder things that I will have to deal with. Thinking of you in your journey.

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  14. Lynda R Young as Elle CardyMay 11, 2010

    I was wondering how mothers day went for you... Forgiveness is so important because it allows us to let go and move forward. It sometimes feels impossible though and that's when we need to rely on God's love even more to soften our hearts. Only through God can we forgive... and remember, you may have to forgive many times over and keep forgiving. You can't change them; you can only change yourself.

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  15. BeatnheartMay 11, 2010

    Its easy to say this but the time has come to move on....you must not live in the past any longer...The more you think about these hurts the more they stay in your life....Think about your new life now...YOur mother is going to treat you like crap no matter what you do...if go to her house or not, still bad treatment toward you, so why do you go.??... Time to set your boundaries...you are treating yourself the same way she treated you...

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