ALMOST OVER!

Yes, their visit is soon to be over early tomorrow morning!

Most of the weekend I have been irritable and angry. Something I cannot remember feeling when I have been around my brother.

The Holy Spirit has been stirring in me. Bringing up these feelings.

I feel I have the right to not hide what I am feeling anymore. My brother a few times has questioned me, "why am I acting this way?" He is used to me always joking and being the butt of his jokes. I flatly told him that I am irritable and still have a bit of a headache, which is true.

I have noticed a change in me that I do not worry as much about the consequences of being real in front of people and now family. My mum did nothing but give me verbal jabs through out the weekend which my brother chimed right in. A couple of times I gave my brother "the evil eye" when he chimed in with my mum and he shut up! Now, that felt good. He knew I was pissed. Sure, the verbal jabs were not pleasant, and I did not block the emotional pain that they caused.

In the past I was not allowed to show emotions and dare say "I am not happy." "Suck it up JBR" my dad would always say to me with a look of disapproval, especially when I would begin to cry. Probably why it comes hard for me to this day to cry in front of anyone. I just suppressed my pain and the reaction that goes along with it.

I cannot wait until they leave tomorrow.

I am tired, bitchy, irritable and want to be left alone to process the weekend. Shut my brain off as it has been going non-stop since they have arrived. Do look forward to meeting up with God in His house though tomorrow.

My brother likes to yap yap yap about nonsense. This nonsense now is so much surface and not real and he lives in his own past. Sad. I found him to be in "my space" too many times this weekend. A few times I told him in a joking manner, but meaning it sincerely, to "get away from me." He would look at me strangely, make a comment, but obliged.

I did not feel led to bring up any of the sexual abuse with my brother.

Must say, this time last year when they were down, I was in a totally different space. I was more of a zombie. Tuning out everything and reeling in emotional pain from the verbal abuse I received.

Now, a year later, I see so much growth in me. The connection to more of my feelings and how more confident I am with who I am and who I will one day become.

I know I still have a ways to go. My brother and even S-I-L have no clue why I am acting this way, neither does my mother. I am trying to be gentle with myself knowing I cannot rush the process. I am quite aware that my family is looking at me strange and perceiving their own ideas to why I am behaving as I have. Hopefully, by next year when they come again I will be even more stronger and be able to really say what is on my mind to them.

Thank you Jesus!


.................................................................................................................................................... I Got The Joy!