"Yet a time is coming
and has now come when the true worshipers will worship
the Father in spirit and truth, for they are the
kind of worshipers the Father seeks." - John 4:23

My Heavenly Daddy is healing
me from the inside out.

Transparency is Real.
Many times painful.

Daddy let me be secure in You only!

Saturday, June 19, 2010


Yes, their visit is soon to be over early tomorrow morning!

Most of the weekend I have been irritable and angry. Something I cannot remember feeling when I have been around my brother.

The Holy Spirit has been stirring in me. Bringing up these feelings.

I feel I have the right to not hide what I am feeling anymore. My brother a few times has questioned me, "why am I acting this way?" He is used to me always joking and being the butt of his jokes. I flatly told him that I am irritable and still have a bit of a headache, which is true.

I have noticed a change in me that I do not worry as much about the consequences of being real in front of people and now family. My mum did nothing but give me verbal jabs through out the weekend which my brother chimed right in. A couple of times I gave my brother "the evil eye" when he chimed in with my mum and he shut up! Now, that felt good. He knew I was pissed. Sure, the verbal jabs were not pleasant, and I did not block the emotional pain that they caused.

In the past I was not allowed to show emotions and dare say "I am not happy." "Suck it up JBR" my dad would always say to me with a look of disapproval, especially when I would begin to cry. Probably why it comes hard for me to this day to cry in front of anyone. I just suppressed my pain and the reaction that goes along with it.

I cannot wait until they leave tomorrow.

I am tired, bitchy, irritable and want to be left alone to process the weekend. Shut my brain off as it has been going non-stop since they have arrived. Do look forward to meeting up with God in His house though tomorrow.

My brother likes to yap yap yap about nonsense. This nonsense now is so much surface and not real and he lives in his own past. Sad. I found him to be in "my space" too many times this weekend. A few times I told him in a joking manner, but meaning it sincerely, to "get away from me." He would look at me strangely, make a comment, but obliged.

I did not feel led to bring up any of the sexual abuse with my brother.

Must say, this time last year when they were down, I was in a totally different space. I was more of a zombie. Tuning out everything and reeling in emotional pain from the verbal abuse I received.

Now, a year later, I see so much growth in me. The connection to more of my feelings and how more confident I am with who I am and who I will one day become.

I know I still have a ways to go. My brother and even S-I-L have no clue why I am acting this way, neither does my mother. I am trying to be gentle with myself knowing I cannot rush the process. I am quite aware that my family is looking at me strange and perceiving their own ideas to why I am behaving as I have. Hopefully, by next year when they come again I will be even more stronger and be able to really say what is on my mind to them.

Thank you Jesus!

.................................................................................................................................................... I Got The Joy!


  1. This is a great jumping off point for you now. The ball is in your court as they say. So when the time is right you can let them know “why you are acting strange” you may never bring it up but if you need to, you are in the right position to do it. Ah Ha! so this is what empowerment feel like!!!
    whoopee for you.....

  2. love on them, serve them...in the end i imagine that is what the savior did on the cross...

  3. I'm really sorry about the verbal jabs. (((HUGS))
    You know you have friends who love you allot :)

  4. Woo Hoo! Proud you got them to feel that they were encroaching on your territory!

  5. AnonymousJune 19, 2010

    JBR your post is intoxicating. Your strength and determination shines brightly. Hey also thanks for taking the time to update us. I'm right along for the ride with your progress. Watching how you're growing. God Bless.

  6. Strange as you are to them...but Jesus knows you're not...Thanks for asking in my site but that inmate came in with the bite already before being arrested. Have a great weekend JBR! God bless.

  7. Verbal jabs hurt. I don't understand why people take potshots at their own children or other family members. Better to be angry about it than numb to it. I'm glad that this was your last day having to deal with all the stress.

    Enjoy your Sonday, JBR. I know you look forward to it!

  8. AnonymousJune 19, 2010

    It sounds like you have been able to be assertive with your mom and brother. That's great! And we all have days when we feel irritable and act bitchy (myself maybe more than others), so don't feel guilty. You are entitled to have any emotion you feel.

    I'm glad that you've made it through your brother's visit in one piece. That takes a lot of strength. You should be proud!

    Wishing you well,

  9. I am so happy that you were able to be yourself and not worry about them. I don't understand why your mother would poke jabs at you. She must be mean if she can not see that it hurts you. I love seeing the growth and strength that you have. You are amazing and you will continue to become healthier.

    Enjoy the rest of your weekend. Big Hugs.

  10. What a labor of love you have gone through. God is so good and faithful to deliver us.

  11. May peace be restored to your heart and soul.

  12. Dear JBR,

    It seems like you have been through so much, and still manage to remain standing. Good for you. The past will make you stronger. I'm glad that you have come a long way. No matter how long it takes, I pray that you will get to where & who you want to be.

    Enjoy your special fellowship with God, and have an awesome Sunday.

  13. As I am reading this, it is Sunday. So I imagine that you are "free" and reveling in worship. I hope you have a joyful day. Big hugs to you.

  14. Thank you so much for your prayers, encouragement, and support.