"Yet a time is coming
and has now come when the true worshipers will worship
the Father in spirit and truth, for they are the
kind of worshipers the Father seeks." - John 4:23

My Heavenly Daddy is healing
me from the inside out.

Transparency is Real.
Many times painful.

Daddy let me be secure in You only!

Monday, July 05, 2010

GRIEVING


Before the Lord I still find myself painfully crying deeply on ocassion. Still have issues.

In the past I never used to cry. Would never think of it. Did not think I had a reason to. The emotional pain I had lived with for so many years was so stuffed and under control in my mind. Although I thought.

So, I still cry.

Cry, cry, cry.

Cry for myself. Which I recognize is a good thing now.

Still grieving over the fact I missed out on so much of my life. That I am alone. I know what had happened to me in the past was not my fault. Still, I am finding it difficult getting over this particular hump in the process to healing.

Below is an excellent article on grieving. I pray if you still are grieving your past or currently dealing with grief, this article may help you. You can apply your own personal grief here. It does not have to be a loss of a loved one, as the author shares:


"It doesn't seem like grief would be the kind of thing that would be easy to ignore. But, grief is painful and all of us have an enormous capacity to defend ourselves against pain. As a result, sometimes our losses—and the grief connected with our losses—escape our conscious attention. We can remain oblivious to our need to grieve and ignorant of the impact losses have on our lives—sometimes for extended periods of time. Because our culture minimizes the importance of grieving, going for years without grieving a loss is common. Too often we are consciously or unconsciously encouraged to set our John Wayne-like jaws and ride tearless into the sunset. This happened to me. It took me almost 40 years to begin grieving the death of my father.

For almost four decades I dysfunctioned my way through life without even suspecting that my father's early death was having a powerful effect on the shape of my internal and external worlds. When asked about my parents or specifically about my father I would report—without emotion and without any understanding of the consequence of this event—that he had died when I was almost five. In spite of the fact that his death created a hole in my soul and chasms in my intimate relationships, I simply lived outside of this inescapable reality. I assumed that I was as normal as the next person. I just happened not to have a father. No big deal.

But, it was a big deal. At the time, I was unable to experience the loss. I did not have the support I needed to face the pain. So, I went on in life almost as if nothing had happened. But I was not okay. Even if I seemed fine. Such significant losses have consequences—life molding consequences. When a crisis eventually forced me to dock my life's ship in a therapist's office at age 41, I knew I was sinking. I had no idea that some of the holes in my hull could be attributed to father loss. Ignorance in my case was not blissful. It was devastating. I soon learned that holes below the waterline were sinking my life even if I didn't know they existed. Over time it became clear that I hadn't just lost a father—I'd lost a model for manhood, a pattern for male and female interaction, a guide in life's storms, and the tender love and essential structure which fathers can pass on to sons. It was a long list of losses. All still ungrieved. And all having a powerful effect on my life.

I now believe that the grief work I have done—and continue to do—is the kind of work that is a necessary part of anyone's growth process. Losses ignored shape us—with or without our conscious awareness. The hard work of processing losses in the dark, winding tunnel of grief is painful. But, the alternative is a misshapen life with even more pain.Unfortunately, ungrieved losses always find a way to distort our intimate relationships. The living, creative joy of our souls is blunted by unresolved grief, impacting our capacity to relate freely.

A working definition of grief work which I have found to be helpful over the last decade is: "The process of consciously moving the pain on the inside, through words, to comfort on the outside." This is not, of course, a technical definition but it describes pretty well what the process feels like. The grief process requires soul-searching, talking, listening, and receiving comfort from others. Often our personal awareness of our losses is so blunted by our protective defenses that it is necessary to get help from a skilled listener—a professional counselor—if we are to make progress in our grief. It took several years and two counselors before I really began to connect with the ungrieved grief over the loss of my father. And, just to emphasize the obvious, grief postponed does not become easier. It gets more complicated with time. More entrenched. More entangled with our relationships. It is hard work to grieve old losses. Hard work.

Fortunately, the payoff is significant. Some of my grief over the death of my father has led to pure developmental gold. At the encouragement of my counselor, I arranged to sit down with two of my father's brothers. Uncle Wayne and Uncle Lloyd sensitively walked me through Dad's short life, looking at pictures and reviewing for me never-heard anecdotes from his life. The passion, pride, and love of these brothers was so evident and our mingled tears of grief so powerful! In the process of telling these stories I regained priceless pieces of my lost father. Those sacred moments now shape me as surely as my loss once did. Grief work is often surprising that way. We expect it to only be about loss, but in the process we receive many new gifts and become new people.

Loss, like the uprooting of a plant, separates us from nourishing connection with the soil. The necessary extra attention which is a part of grief work slowly returns the plant to life-sustaining soil. Regaining life is the surprising reward of appropriate grief. I've been surprised by the freedom in my soul and relationships which grieving has made possible.

All of our losses are not the result of someone's death. Significant losses—those requiring a correspondingly intense grief process—are the losses of love and respect we experience in our formative years. A distant or demeaning parent, for example, can create losses as difficult to grieve and as formidable to recover from as the death of a parent.

As you seek out a grief group or counselor—and find a safe and skillful soul in which to confide—I pray that your journey will be filled with all the surprises of one who literally recovers life."


by Dale Wolery

...................................................................... I Got The Joy!

15 comments:

  1. But don’t let the grief from the past rob you of your joy today. You are missing out on the present moment and potential happiness if all you do is think about your past misery. You are still giving your brother power over you if you continue to be miserable over what happened. Now is your time!!! Don’t waste another day being miserable. ( sounds easy...i know it is not) Try my dear to live the life you want now.

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  2. I think crying can be healthy-- it feels good to have that release. And I think it's proper that you grieve over your "missed life." It's certainly a loss, and as long as you are dealing with it in a healthy way (i.e., not hitting the bottle or others etc.) I think it's beneficial for your mental health.

    I'm here standing by you all the way as you grieve.

    Wishing you well,
    NOS

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  3. Crying is very healthy, cry out unto the lord, he is always there, he wants your joy to be full, put the past grief in the rightful place, in the past, look forward and look to Jesus he is the author of peace and comfort, and he will heal, and give you all the joy and peace you can handle, God bless you and I sure will be praying for you dear friend. Hugs and blessings, Barbara

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  4. I never thought that I grieved anything concerning my past but this gives me some food for thought. I think it's a great and important step that you can grieve and cry for yourself now.

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  5. JBR good that you can cry for yourself. You've come a long way baby. I say that with hope. Your battle and struggles are an inspiration for us who follow behind you. God Bless.

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  6. let the old stuff out,just remember that IS NOT WHO YOU ARE NOW.{{{{{HUGS}}}}}

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  7. Oh, sweet ((((JBR)))~

    Don't let the sadness and sorrow from your past rob you of your joy and happiness of today! God is with you now, just as He was with you then.

    The road to healing is often painful, but PRAISE GOD, one day there will be now more pain and sorrow!

    Sending you much love, my friend!

    Blessings~
    Laura

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  8. JBR
    Your allowed to cry my love.
    release those tears for they bring healing.
    Release those pains and don't be bound by them anymore.
    You have made such progress, an inspiration to all.
    Your a beloved daughter of the King Praise Him and smile again.
    hugs xxxxx

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  9. I am thankful you are finding healing in the tears. I think of them as liquid prayers.

    The bible states in Psalm 126:5, "Those who sow in tears will reap with songs of joy."

    Look at it this way -- YOU HAVE A GREAT HARVEST OF JOY COMING! Hallelujah!

    Love,
    Beth

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  10. WOW. Holy cow...that was like an arrow shot from heaven to my heart. Thump!!! Direct hit! Wow...just wow. Thanks for posting. -Jen

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  11. part of that grieving will be moving on...let it out...let it go...you still got plenty of life to live...

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  12. stuck-in-the-middleJuly 06, 2010

    I hope you had a good July 4th. Hang in there JBR.

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  13. "Still grieving over the fact I missed out on so much of my life. That I am alone. I know what had happened to me in the past was not my fault. Still, I am finding it difficult getting over this particular hump in the process to healing."

    I'm here right now in my own journey and I'm having a really hard time dealing with it. This statement spoke so powerfully to my heart. I feel I'm just in limbo right now, not moving forward but just looking back and grieving so much...sigh.

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  14. (((((((JBR)))))))
    What a gut wrenching time, allow the Lord to comfort you via Himself directly or through other such as your blogging buddies. Hang in there.

    My problem is that I stop myself from crying.

    Blessings,
    CC

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  15. AnonymousJuly 06, 2010

    I lost my only child, Angie, in 2005. She was only 28 years old. I had her when I was 21, so she was my life......I was totally committed to her care and happiness. When I lost her, I didn't know how to function without her, and I still have problems with it, every day. When you love someone so much, especially a child, nothing is ever the same, no matter how much you try. The person you loved most in this world is gone . . . all you can look forward to is seeing them on the other side......

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