"Yet a time is coming
and has now come when the true worshipers will worship
the Father in spirit and truth, for they are the
kind of worshipers the Father seeks." - John 4:23

My Heavenly Daddy is healing
me from the inside out.

Transparency is Real.
Many times painful.

Daddy let me be secure in You only!

Sunday, August 15, 2010


I do not know what prompted me to, but I pulled out my old notebook yesterday of songs that I wrote myself with my guitar as a teenager into my late 20's. The first being after my parents divorce and I was forced to move away to NY at age 12 to live with my mother and then step-father.

I have not looked at these songs in ages. Most of them I do not even know how they go anymore. A lot of the earlier ones are just fluff about inadamant objects, i.e. swizzle sticks, sheets, fire, dogs, space travel. Later on the majority were God related. Even with those I find hard to believe what I wrote back then was what I was feeling. Now if I wrote them today, a different story. I have written close to 200 songs.

Seeing the words to these songs is like I am looking at someone else's writings. This is NOT me. These words are not mine. These thoughts and feelings were not true. Closest thing I could come up with is that these songs were my fantasies in my mind. I wrote about what I conspired in my thoughts. Back then, unfortunately, I could not express my "own" pain in words.

In reading these over, only a handful had "some" truth behind them. As I was looking over these songs, I found only one that sort of dealt with my past. Which surprised me that I even wrote about.

I have no memory of writing this song. But there it is in black and white. Sadly only one song out of 200 that had some truth to it. I have no clue how to even play the song or how it even went when I initially wrote it 30 years ago. Yikes! As you will see the maturity level is not there. The structure of the song deteriorates at the end and just stops abruptly as I went back into denial.

Haunt of a Memory

I remember long ago sitting on my daddy's knee.
And he whispered something to me softly.
He said,

"Daughter you're the apple of my eye.
You're my sweetie pie.
If I lost you I'd die.

Daughter you're mine all mine.
If I can't have you.
I'd just go out of my mind."

I recall now, long forgotten promises of yesteryear.
And recalling them I shed some tears.
I recall broken hearts within family squabbles.
Can tear an emotion that is not stable.

A mother and father at one's throats.
Is devastating for a very young adult.

But I don't blame you.
Too many circumstances came out of this.

Reading the words to this song is somewhat painful.

Please note, I do not recall my father ever saying those words to me. I probably only wished he had.


  1. That's actually a very well-written song. Even if your father didn't say those things it still really shows how you were feeling. I can imagine how painful it is to read it several years later. Maybe making a connection with it and the other songs would be therapeutic? I don't know.

    Wishing you well,

  2. The poem is beautiful, with lots of pain, wishes, and confusion. You expressed them well and real, in that stage..

  3. You do have a talent...even 30 years ago. I can see the pain. Sorry for such pain!

  4. These words / songs are part of you, but not only you.
    A part which you deal with very differently now.
    from victim to survivor.....to a winner
    Love from my heart to yours

  5. Isn't it amazing how we change and become such different people over the years. It's interesting to go back and read what you wrote so many years ago. I'm sure writing the songs was helpful at the time for you. You have come a long way since then. Blessings to you!

  6. HI JBR-

    Oh my, such incredible sadness. I love that yo are a singer/song writer and guitarist. A real gift. My husband is as well, and a pianist too. I Play the drums. We have written some powerful music for many reasons. Perhaps you might try composing again.

    Love to you
    peace and hope.....

  7. sometimes those memories are painful to look back on...it was probably good that you wote it and included the hope that he would say those words...i wrote songs about that age as well...

  8. Wow. First of all, I am very impressed that you have written 200 songs as a young adult! That is amazing to me. As much as I enjoy writing now to get my thoughts out, I HATED it as a kid. I am a numbers/science type of person.

    Anyway, it completely makes sense that the majority of your songs played a role of fantasy to you. Even in words that were not true, they came from true desires. You were writing the truth!!!

  9. This is beautiful and it's amazing what we write when we are young. I think we would all wish that about our parents....thank you for posting this as it's powerful and yet it's very loving to yourself...huge progress to know that we can care for ourselves! Much love to you today!

  10. Must be our heavenly Father saying these things to you. The lyrics are awesome:

    ""Daughter you're the apple of my eye.
    You're my sweetie pie.
    If I lost you I'd die."

    Daughter you're mine all mine.
    If I can't have you.
    I'd just go out of my mind."

    Full of love from a father to a child. JBR, thanks for sharing this special memory and talent! Glory be to God! Thank you for your prayers and sweet thoughts. Feeling a little better today as I just got home from work. Have a great day! God bless.

  11. JBR nothing surprises me anymore. Your heart was alive at the time of the writing even if you felt dead. Precious. Take it for all it's worth JBR. God Bless.

  12. also I've seen such a drastic change in you and its catching. God Bless.

  13. Spoken from your heart at that time..I pray that god continue to stir up inspiration to be used for His glory...

  14. Sometimes I go through my old journals and feel the same way that you do. Who is this person? It is painful to go back and see what I was doing to myself. It must feel good to look at how far you have come. Keep up the good work. You are truly an inspiration!

  15. I also believe that
    you were writing what your
    heart was hearing from The Father
    who was sending comfort your way.
    The rest of the song
    is still unwritten....

  16. Even in your pain, you have much talent.