One thing I discovered on my journey was that "I do have feelings." That I do "feel." Whether good or bad, I feel. Some of these feelings although seemed new to me, they were not. They were just dormant for many years. Came alive when I began working through them. Especially with feeling shame, anger and rejection.
A lot of the time I did not know how to handle these emotions growing up due to abuse and being criticized. So I chose to internalize and stuff all my pain. At the same time accepting that I was this awful person and living it out.
At the beginning of my journey to healing close to two years now, when these feeling were stirred up, all I could do was usually throw a tantrum. And I mean a tantrum. Yelling, screaming, cursing, throwing things, kicking.
I demanded things right away. I remember standing at a Walmart grocery store over a year ago waiting for them to open. And when they did not open up on time, it was like I went ballistic. Kicking their door repeatedly. I am surprised I did not get arrested or my foot go through the glass. I was furious. I was so full of anger. My rage over-rid the embarrassment I should of felt. But I did not care! How dare they NOT open on time for ME! I did not know where this JBR came from all of a sudden. Felt out of control. I was a very frighten child behaving like one.
Vending machines that did not dispense properly also found my wrath. Yelling and cursing my mum when I would see that she would be calling me on the telephone before answering. Because I did not want to speak to her. She is a very controlling woman and I began to feel smothered. And do not get me started with road rage. I was a mess and you did NOT want to get in my way. Only by God's grace that I did not end up killing someone else or myself on the road. I did not know how to appropriately release my anger that would then lead up to feeling shameful and full of guilt.
Working through our feelings takes time. Without a doubt I know that I and I am sure many of you would want a quick fix to our problems. Who wants to experience pain! Let us just get it over with quickly is what we say. Not going to happen. I had to learn to "trust" what I was feeling and that it was "okay" to feel. Not to beat myself emotionally up unmercifully. "How dare I feel this way." OR "I SHOULD not be feeling this."
I have seen in just a relatively short time how strong I have become in setting up boundaries and being straight forth in the relationships that I encounter. Not always easy. I stumble and fall back and cower still. I still have a ways to go. This is only the beginning.
But through facing and working through my feelings, me and others can grow. In any relationship there needs to be that room to grow, and work through feelings. And that takes time. We can give permission not only to ourselves, but to others to work through their feelings. Letting the feelings come. Letting them go to where they need to be. Let God be part of the process. Without Him it is much more difficult!
JBR,
ReplyDeleteThis is such an encouraging post.....
Thanks for sharing this.
Blessings,
Tammy
I liked what you said JBR. Hang in there.
ReplyDeleteWell expressed. Working through feelings is important and humbling. God Bless.
ReplyDeletewhen we deny our feelings they dont go away, they tend to bottle up...and then we end up exploding at some point...at least that is how it works for me...
ReplyDeleteWell said my friend, wise words.
ReplyDeleteWell said. I related to your words. I feel like you do, but I end up taking it out on myself. Either way the healing process is the same and it sure takes time and patience with yourself.
ReplyDeleteBlessings,
CC
Sweetie you've displayed a power of endurance and strength. Not many want to fight as you have to gain your victory. Proud of you!
ReplyDeleteJBR, this is a great post! it's so true what you wrote here about the feelings of anger, I can relate to the feelings of uncontrollable behavior after my son was born (and because of the doctor who did cause his arm handicap) I was so full of anger at the doctor that I would take it on people who had nothing to do with it ... thanks goodness it didn't last too long!! but I can understand that the pain inside us can cause us to behave like you did describe! blessings!
ReplyDeleteThank you all for sharing your comments and your own struggles. We are in this together and as we continue on in our healing, we can be an encouragement to one another. Blessings and hugs.
ReplyDeleteI think you're right-- if you don't properly FEEL and EXPERIENCE your feelings they just boil over in a very unpleasant way. But it sounds like you are making progress, and that's always good and encouraging to hear. You're getting there!
ReplyDeleteWishing you well,
NOS
Thank you for such an encouraging post JBR! I do need to remind myself more of this. I don't even feel like I knew what feelings were until now as I process and work through old ones.
ReplyDeleteTake care! *hugs* <3
OH yeah, can relate os much.. HUgs to you
ReplyDelete"Working through our feelings takes time."
ReplyDeleteI think if we don't learn to be patient and to endure here, what's gonna' happen when we are in a place that lasts eternally? Blessings.
I've really had to work through a lot of pain and trauma from my childhood as well. I've been working with a therapist for about five years. I've only had about 3-4 sessions this year so that's definitely tapered off for me. I think I've felt better this year than any other. I don't think I've experienced any episodes of depression either, at least none lasting more than a day or two (used to be months at a time).
ReplyDeleteDefinitely a work in progress. I still get "triggered" which tends to wake up my "pain body" (as Eckhart Tolle puts it), which may be like what you're talking about in that your body hangs on to this past truama - it's your "pain body". I have really been working on bringing my attention to my breath and my body at this time and not going "unconscious" (or on "automatic pilot" as my therapist would say). I've found that staying very conscious and focusing on my breath or on my body really helps. I guess you could call this meditation. By doing this I stop my mind and pop out of "psychological time" (i.e. ghosts of the past or future fears) and into the present (which in doing so is the only time I've ever felt peace).
Working through our feelings/emotions does take time. Getting to the root is one thing, but allowing God to heal and transform is another. I am talking from my own experience here. Sigh.
ReplyDeleteOn a funny note (not that it is funny), but I wonder if some WalMart employee created a youtube of you kicking in there door. :o)
Love ya Sister,
Beth
JBR,
ReplyDeleteJust remember as long as you are making forward progress each day you are working towards your healing. It can never happen overnight or even in a few months unless God gives us that much grace to get through it, but the more frustrated we become in things the more we can realize we are still human and working through the pain in our lives.
Love and Hugs ~ Kat
Thank you all again for your comments! They do mean the world to me.
ReplyDeleteBeth: I had to comment back. I thought of that too. They do have a survalence camera outside. But, they were probably too scared to approach this crazy woman kicking in the door. It would be good YouTube material though you are right.....
Glad to see your progress. You help many people on your recovery.
ReplyDeleteYou are so right that if we stuff our pain and feelings they will one day come out whether we want them too or not. So facing them is the best plan. At least that way we can choose when to let them out and in a safe environment around those who love us. I found that out in my 40's.
ReplyDeleteIt's wonderful to hear and see your great progress through this journey. You have a gift in your writing that makes it so clear what feelings you've endured and are enduring. What a clear sign that God is using YOU to help others too.
What a difference a few months make when you are able to work through your problems. Would you have thought you would be at this place emotionally a year ago?? Congratulations JBR.
ReplyDeleteSo true, my friend!
ReplyDeleteContinuing to pray for complete healing and restoration!
Blessings~
Laura
God gave us feeling. They aren't to be buried, but they are to be controlled, like anything. Your growth -- being given the time to work things through -- is amazing and wonderful.
ReplyDeleteBlessings to you on your journey,
Lyn
Hey JBR,
ReplyDeleteGreat post, and you know, I remember a lot of your much earlier posts when anger was errupting through you like you shared above. And in following the progression of your posts, I can see the healing work God has been doing in your life.
And I'm with you there, without God, it is so much more difficult.
The picture this painted in my mind made me laugh! I'm sure the Walmart door wasn't too offended by a few kicks and screams;) Thanks for the honest post. I'm sure we've all had "meltdowns" over the years but not everybody is honest enough to write about them.
ReplyDelete