"Yet a time is coming
and has now come when the true worshipers will worship
the Father in spirit and truth, for they are the
kind of worshipers the Father seeks." - John 4:23

My Heavenly Daddy is healing
me from the inside out.

Transparency is Real.
Many times painful.

Daddy let me be secure in You only!

Monday, October 11, 2010


I still have the tendency to go into survival mode.

These days when I am overwhelmed or have not learned the tools to deal with a situation, usually I become very quiet.

Giving the appearance I am okay in my quietness. That what just happened does not bother me. But OH DOES IT EVER!!

I can recall times through out my life a few people asking me, even teachers and classmates, "is everything okay at home?" A simple "yes" came from my lips. I think they asked because of the way I was behaving. Saw some red flags.

Home life was different than at school. At home I expressed and showed my pain. Not understanding at the time why I was lashing out. I just did. There was no holding me back those early days.

I would lash out....then go silent. Anger festering inside of me.

Reflecting back I see I was in a la-land of immaturity and denial. There was no depth to my relating or comprehending for that matter. Had no clue that my past had an affect on me. The sexual abuse; my parents alcoholism; their divorce; the sudden loss of my childhood friends, my father, my hometown. All of this took their toll on me throughout my teenage years into adulthood.

My mother had issues with guilt and dealing with divorcing my father and remarrying. I did not recognize it at the time, because I was hurting so much from their split and having no friends. Nobody to talk to. To cry out to. To listen to me. I missed my father! I missed my friends! Basically losing everything, including "my own-self" over night.

My mother self-medicated with drink. What I saw made me so angry with fury. When I came home daily from Junior High School I saw a drunk woman who looked physically ugly. She had this horrible face. I hated that face! To this day I can still visualize that face. She could hardly stand, slurred her words and was so very unhappy.

She was vulnerable while drunk and I took advantage of this time. I was so angry. She could not comfort my pain, as she could not comfort hers. I constantly yelled at her. Called her awful things. Ran daily into my room after school slamming my bedroom door behind me.

I resented my mother. I blamed her for making me move away with her, divorcing my father and marrying someone else that was a complete stranger to me and "I" was told to love and have a good life.

Did not talk much during those years at home. I hated my life, my mother, my step-father. God was no where to be found in my life at that time.

My teenage years were the darkest for me. I shiver just thinking about how awful they were. I grew deeper and deeper into depression and isolation. Had no one to talk to. Sometimes I felt I lost touch with reality. Creating my own fantasy world with my own dialog and cast of characters in my head to ease my pain and to have some kind of life. As sick as it was. That was my survival mode. La La Land.

This late in my journey, some 40 years later, I am just now feeling some compassion for my mother. The Lord is showing me that she too was in her own pain. She did not know how to comfort me. She was in her own misery of guilt. She was hurting and she went into her own survival mode.

How have you survived?

Some of us become perfectionists to cover up our pain that we can even drive ourselves crazy with our rituals. Pretending all the way nothing is wrong. Which can drive us harder to perform perfectly for people. To please others. To somehow think our pain will ease if people will accept us.

But God does NOT ask for such sacrifices from us. It is NOT our job. God is aware of our brokenness. Our pain. He does not come to shame or condemn us.

So very easy to put on paper. Still it is a big pill to swallow. Sure my walls have thinned considerably around my heart, but some still remain. All in time. All in God's time. The more I am willing to let Him continue do His surgery, the sooner I will be able to heal into the person I was intended to be! That surely will be freedom then!


  1. it is a big pill...i am glad you are finding compassion for her...you have had quite the journey to this point...my HS years were not my best either...

  2. Another successful chapter in your life JBR. God's timing is always right. What you've endured through your life can only make you stronger. You help so many here on your blog. God Bless.

  3. Such insightful words. As always your courage with facing clean pain inspires me. :-)

  4. I can so relate to this post! I too was very angry with my mother growing up and did many of the same things you did. It wasn't until after my dad pasted away a couple of years ago that I finally started working through all the pain and anger with her. I 'finially' forgave her for how she treated my dad and me.. so differently than my younger brother. Completely differently!

    I'm very glad that you are able to see now how unhappy she was and that shouldn't even take care of herself. My mother too! She never dealt witht the pain of her fathers sudden death when she was 19 and then when her mother died suddenly of a heart attack... well, she just never recovered. So sad!

    However, You and I are not living the rest of our lives the same way. We are Healing and growing and learning to not only take care of ourselfs, but Help others along the way. That and reading your words have helped me do all of those things much faster. Thank you for letting us into your world!! You are helping so Many!!

    Blessings & Hugh HUG,

  5. I'm going through deep pain recenly. Your words are a breath of fresh air to my ears. Sometimes I wonder if life is worth living. I'm sure our ages are different. But it doesn't minimize the pain that we go through. Thanks for your words of wisdom and being a beacon of light in a dark place.

  6. Sorry for the pain of divorce, happy you are finding compassion for your Mom

  7. You are long way into becoming a new person! As a child you only did what you could to cope, with no help from adults. It takes a strong person to work through these issues. (((JBR)))

  8. I think what you're saying here is that living is scary and angering sometimes. Very wise! Survival mode is not a terrible thing-- while it doesn't mean that you're "thriving" it does mean that you're getting through things. First the cart, then the horse, right?

    Wishing you well,

  9. Sweetie your doing a great job. The memories are coming back to help you along to healing.

  10. JBR,

    I think we all have moments when we fall back into what has been the norm for us for so long. The hardest thing to do is not look back and keep pushing further forward, but I completely understand. The good thing is God is always waiting for us to catch up.

    Love and Hugs ~ Kat

  11. This breaks my heart. JBR, my darling, you're a brave, strong, optimistic woman. You impress me with your honesty.

  12. It is too easy for me to go into survival mode, especially when I forget my therapy and what I have learned from it. I am still a very angry person, but a lot of it is self-inflicted. I am my own worst enemy. So I am trying to unlearn an all too comfortable mode of survival.

    My T says for me to stop, think and reflect before I react. I am so good at just blurting out the first thing I think of.

    JBR, you are truely an inspiration to me and others as well. It took me years to forgive and let go of the pain my mother caused at my expense.

    Stay strong and know that you are loved.

  13. It's easy to hate mothers.
    We want so much from them
    ...need so much from them.
    Our longing for our parent's love
    is epic.
    On this wounded planet full of broken people,
    it's rare to be loved well and enough by them.
    We're all still kind of reeling in pain
    from our original parent's mistakes.
    Thank God for your ability to voice
    what you needed and what you feel.
    You're moving forward so very well.
    Forgiveness is transformational.
    But can't happen until we acknowledge and FEEL
    the pain.
    Oh, tender friend,
    trusting the Lord to comfort, comfort, comfort
    you in your bruised places.
    And to comfort and heal your broken parents,
    as well.

  14. You are doing awesome.