SURVIVAL MODE - PRETENDING

I still have the tendency to go into survival mode.

These days when I am overwhelmed or have not learned the tools to deal with a situation, usually I become very quiet.

Giving the appearance I am okay in my quietness. That what just happened does not bother me. But OH DOES IT EVER!!

I can recall times through out my life a few people asking me, even teachers and classmates, "is everything okay at home?" A simple "yes" came from my lips. I think they asked because of the way I was behaving. Saw some red flags.

Home life was different than at school. At home I expressed and showed my pain. Not understanding at the time why I was lashing out. I just did. There was no holding me back those early days.

I would lash out....then go silent. Anger festering inside of me.

Reflecting back I see I was in a la-land of immaturity and denial. There was no depth to my relating or comprehending for that matter. Had no clue that my past had an affect on me. The sexual abuse; my parents alcoholism; their divorce; the sudden loss of my childhood friends, my father, my hometown. All of this took their toll on me throughout my teenage years into adulthood.

My mother had issues with guilt and dealing with divorcing my father and remarrying. I did not recognize it at the time, because I was hurting so much from their split and having no friends. Nobody to talk to. To cry out to. To listen to me. I missed my father! I missed my friends! Basically losing everything, including "my own-self" over night.

My mother self-medicated with drink. What I saw made me so angry with fury. When I came home daily from Junior High School I saw a drunk woman who looked physically ugly. She had this horrible face. I hated that face! To this day I can still visualize that face. She could hardly stand, slurred her words and was so very unhappy.

She was vulnerable while drunk and I took advantage of this time. I was so angry. She could not comfort my pain, as she could not comfort hers. I constantly yelled at her. Called her awful things. Ran daily into my room after school slamming my bedroom door behind me.

I resented my mother. I blamed her for making me move away with her, divorcing my father and marrying someone else that was a complete stranger to me and "I" was told to love and have a good life.

Did not talk much during those years at home. I hated my life, my mother, my step-father. God was no where to be found in my life at that time.

My teenage years were the darkest for me. I shiver just thinking about how awful they were. I grew deeper and deeper into depression and isolation. Had no one to talk to. Sometimes I felt I lost touch with reality. Creating my own fantasy world with my own dialog and cast of characters in my head to ease my pain and to have some kind of life. As sick as it was. That was my survival mode. La La Land.

This late in my journey, some 40 years later, I am just now feeling some compassion for my mother. The Lord is showing me that she too was in her own pain. She did not know how to comfort me. She was in her own misery of guilt. She was hurting and she went into her own survival mode.

How have you survived?

Some of us become perfectionists to cover up our pain that we can even drive ourselves crazy with our rituals. Pretending all the way nothing is wrong. Which can drive us harder to perform perfectly for people. To please others. To somehow think our pain will ease if people will accept us.

But God does NOT ask for such sacrifices from us. It is NOT our job. God is aware of our brokenness. Our pain. He does not come to shame or condemn us.

So very easy to put on paper. Still it is a big pill to swallow. Sure my walls have thinned considerably around my heart, but some still remain. All in time. All in God's time. The more I am willing to let Him continue do His surgery, the sooner I will be able to heal into the person I was intended to be! That surely will be freedom then!