W/E TRIP/DEPRESSED

Sorry I have not posted sooner. Just did not feel like it. Will share more further down in the post.

In spite what I will share below, I was able to survive the trip. Thanks to many of your prayers and support!!! I believe in prayer!!!! Thank you again!!

I did find myself a few times Saturday night when conversations were negative to just blurt out loud, which I have never done before, "Hallelujah." It was like I had no control over myself. The word would always come out of my Spirit to end some kind of negative/complaining talk among my family. Surprised me as well!

Sure I have said Hallelujah before many times, but to use it as a "negative stopper" was new. My family always had some kind of confused look on their faces when this happened and then the conversation became more light.

When my brother would chime in with my mum ridiculing me about something that was like a stake driven in my heart......I exclaimed "Hallelujah." She did not like that I said to her at one point that I did not need to call her every morning. She went off on me to my brother and sister-in-law on that one.

Anyway......

I forgot how much my mum can complain and ridicule and insult. Constant verbal attacks from her. She was true to form with me in the car. Constantly worrying about everything. If you give her a topic, she would find some way to worry about it. At one point I felt trapped when she began in on me. I knew I could not just leave as I was driving. The guilt trips she tried to put on me when I would say that I am not worried about such and such a thing. She would get angry. Call me a "little stupeedo" (stupid). She figures by flowering her words to me it does not come off as bad. OH YEAH IT DOES MUM!

She at one point said that I was more well behaved as a kid than now. Of course. Now she cannot control me! And she raised her voice more than once to me reminding me that she was my mother and that she has more wisdom than I because she has lived longer so I need to listen to her.

Whatever.....

A trip that if I drove by myself one way would take 3 1/2 to 4 hours ended up taking six. My mum insisted we stop to (1) Get a lottery ticket; (2) eat (3) go to Walmart to buy vitamins that were on sale and (4) get more gas.

There was no point in arguing. At one point we ended up missing our turn off as she was yapping at me and I was defending myself and I went close to twenty miles out of our way which in turned prompted the emergency gas fill up as the warning light came on in the car, and of course it was my fault. She then yelling at me to slow down, turn the a/c off we are going to be stranded, etc. in order to save on gas until we filled up. Nightmare!

She then later said this trip was not bad and that we should do this more often. Huh???? I DON'T THINK SO!!!

So glad this trip is over with. After she dropped me off at home Sonday afternoon, I usually wait for her to leave and wave. But, I had it with her insults. So I hugged her turned and left.

At least she got to see her great grandkids, grandchild and son.

Really did not have the opportunity nor the desire to spend that much time with my brother.

Although there was one time I had a quick flashback to him sexually abusing me. Normally I can bypass any memories when I am with him. But, this time I was not able to. The memory really shook me up. So that episode shut me down for a bit.

I was exhausted arriving and not feeling 100%, so I rested most of Saturday until the great grandkdis came. Then Sonday morning we left.

When all was said and done, and I was finally home alone, I had to sit myself down and reassure myself over and over who I am in Christ. That the last 24 hours beforehand have since passed. That I am not this "stupeedo" I was called nor should I feel guilt for having my own opinion and being shut down because of it.

Then Monday morning my refrigerator died and I lost all my food. It probably only needs Freon. But, I have yet to call for repair. Right now I just do not care or have it in me to do so. Please pray for me to at least care enough about myself to make the call.

I have been depressed. I am really having a hard time liking myself now. Blogging has become hard.

Also, I am having a real difficult time at work with individuals there and how they are affecting me. The continued games people play. I want so much to be free from what others think of me, say or do. I do not want to go to work.

Even though I felt rejuvenated and my spirit replenished somewhat last night at a worship service, the enemy still managed to make his way into my thoughts and I know it will always be an endless battle to fight him off. But I am so tired. Lord give me the strength to carry on.

I think I have just been emotionally and physically with headaches beaten down these past couple of weeks that I am really hurting and vulnerable at the moment.....

Thanks.