"Yet a time is coming
and has now come when the true worshipers will worship
the Father in spirit and truth, for they are the
kind of worshipers the Father seeks." - John 4:23

My Heavenly Daddy is healing
me from the inside out.

Transparency is Real.
Many times painful.

Daddy let me be secure in You only!

Wednesday, October 27, 2010


Sorry I have not posted sooner. Just did not feel like it. Will share more further down in the post.

In spite what I will share below, I was able to survive the trip. Thanks to many of your prayers and support!!! I believe in prayer!!!! Thank you again!!

I did find myself a few times Saturday night when conversations were negative to just blurt out loud, which I have never done before, "Hallelujah." It was like I had no control over myself. The word would always come out of my Spirit to end some kind of negative/complaining talk among my family. Surprised me as well!

Sure I have said Hallelujah before many times, but to use it as a "negative stopper" was new. My family always had some kind of confused look on their faces when this happened and then the conversation became more light.

When my brother would chime in with my mum ridiculing me about something that was like a stake driven in my heart......I exclaimed "Hallelujah." She did not like that I said to her at one point that I did not need to call her every morning. She went off on me to my brother and sister-in-law on that one.


I forgot how much my mum can complain and ridicule and insult. Constant verbal attacks from her. She was true to form with me in the car. Constantly worrying about everything. If you give her a topic, she would find some way to worry about it. At one point I felt trapped when she began in on me. I knew I could not just leave as I was driving. The guilt trips she tried to put on me when I would say that I am not worried about such and such a thing. She would get angry. Call me a "little stupeedo" (stupid). She figures by flowering her words to me it does not come off as bad. OH YEAH IT DOES MUM!

She at one point said that I was more well behaved as a kid than now. Of course. Now she cannot control me! And she raised her voice more than once to me reminding me that she was my mother and that she has more wisdom than I because she has lived longer so I need to listen to her.


A trip that if I drove by myself one way would take 3 1/2 to 4 hours ended up taking six. My mum insisted we stop to (1) Get a lottery ticket; (2) eat (3) go to Walmart to buy vitamins that were on sale and (4) get more gas.

There was no point in arguing. At one point we ended up missing our turn off as she was yapping at me and I was defending myself and I went close to twenty miles out of our way which in turned prompted the emergency gas fill up as the warning light came on in the car, and of course it was my fault. She then yelling at me to slow down, turn the a/c off we are going to be stranded, etc. in order to save on gas until we filled up. Nightmare!

She then later said this trip was not bad and that we should do this more often. Huh???? I DON'T THINK SO!!!

So glad this trip is over with. After she dropped me off at home Sonday afternoon, I usually wait for her to leave and wave. But, I had it with her insults. So I hugged her turned and left.

At least she got to see her great grandkids, grandchild and son.

Really did not have the opportunity nor the desire to spend that much time with my brother.

Although there was one time I had a quick flashback to him sexually abusing me. Normally I can bypass any memories when I am with him. But, this time I was not able to. The memory really shook me up. So that episode shut me down for a bit.

I was exhausted arriving and not feeling 100%, so I rested most of Saturday until the great grandkdis came. Then Sonday morning we left.

When all was said and done, and I was finally home alone, I had to sit myself down and reassure myself over and over who I am in Christ. That the last 24 hours beforehand have since passed. That I am not this "stupeedo" I was called nor should I feel guilt for having my own opinion and being shut down because of it.

Then Monday morning my refrigerator died and I lost all my food. It probably only needs Freon. But, I have yet to call for repair. Right now I just do not care or have it in me to do so. Please pray for me to at least care enough about myself to make the call.

I have been depressed. I am really having a hard time liking myself now. Blogging has become hard.

Also, I am having a real difficult time at work with individuals there and how they are affecting me. The continued games people play. I want so much to be free from what others think of me, say or do. I do not want to go to work.

Even though I felt rejuvenated and my spirit replenished somewhat last night at a worship service, the enemy still managed to make his way into my thoughts and I know it will always be an endless battle to fight him off. But I am so tired. Lord give me the strength to carry on.

I think I have just been emotionally and physically with headaches beaten down these past couple of weeks that I am really hurting and vulnerable at the moment.....



  1. you survived it...good job on that...i dont think i would do it again but i think this one was good for you...good to see you...

  2. I'm with Brian, I would not make the trip again. I may be missing some of your back story here JBR but for me, personally and this is not in any way a reflection on or of you, I would not be in the presence of your brother. Period. You can forgive without subjecting yourself to being anywhere near him. As far as your mom goes, that boat sailed long ago. I think you should consider what is best for jbr and to heck with them. I love that you spouted out with "Hallelujah"!! That is your Holy Spirit right there. Hugs to you. Tammy

  3. Oh, sweet precious one~

    You have so touched my heart today, more so than normal. Please know that you are always on my heart and that I pray for you often.

    Blessings and ((((hugs))))~

  4. If people could see the beauty of Christ shining in another's soul they would never use derogatory terms such as stupid. I'm sorry you were hurt in this way, JBR. I know the trip was hard on you and I am praying for you. I wish people understood how much words can beat others down and would think before speaking.
    Sending you a hug, my friend, and hoping you feel better soon :)

  5. Prayed for you, dear one, as I read this post. May the healing touch of Jesus free you today!

  6. JBR: You were a good daughter, better than your Mom deserved. I'm sorry it would have taken over 6 hours for me because I would have stopped the car, gotten out, and said unless the conversation lightens up we aren't going one more mile forward!!! She doesn't sound very grown up yet does she??

  7. I'm really proud of you for getting through the weekend trip. I know it was really hard for you, and although things weren't perfect you really held your own. That's great!


    Wishing you well,

  8. hugs friend. and continued prayers.

  9. I can so relate to not feeling up to posting.I have these same struggles.there are days that when I open my rteader up I just hit the mark as read button.

  10. (JBR) it's okay not to post when you need a break. You have really been through a lot and it can take a toll on you emotionally and physically, Try to do what is best for JBR. I know that can some times be hard, but we all need time to build ourselves back up, by holding on to Jesus. May He continue to uplift you and hold you up. I here with you. Take care of yourself.

  11. We are have been there one time or another. It's stressful and depressing when nothing to you is right. I am taking meditation classes, hope to remove all these unhappy, stressing thoughts and calm myself when things do not go my way. I pray for calm and peace for you. HUGS

  12. I know how tough it is to spend extended time with family. I pray God's protection on you. I hope you feel better soon.

  13. First of all I want to give you a hug my sister in Christ (((J.B.R.))),

    I am sorry everything is going wrong for you. I am praying very hard for you. I know a lot of people on here love you and they don't even know you outside of the blog world. You ARE a special and valuable person. I love you as my sister in Christ.

    Hugs with blessings,

  14. Oh Sister. You need a spiritual bath to wash off everything your family dumped on you. Those familiar spirits attached to them wanted to take residence in your heart again. No way! You are a Child of the King and you have joy that they can't begin to understand.

    My Mom is super negative too. It is oppressive to be around her (though I'm not trying to dishonor her). She is a hurt person and spews out bitterness, etc ... I can't imagine being trapped at her house for any length of time.

    I pray you'll be able to press through and undo what your family tried to "do" on this trip.

    To God be the glory for the Hallelujah! :o)

    Love & hugs to you! You will overcome. I know you will.


  15. Do understand the feeling of not blogging, too exhausted. You have a great attitude with Hallelujah!

  16. JBR, I'm so proud of you for making it through the weekend. You our in my thoughts and prayers, regardless of how often either of us posts... I think we've both been having difficulty posting lately. Keep your faith in the Lord. You are worthy. You are HIS. Blessings, dear one.

  17. My darling, I feel you. I am sorry about how you're feeling. Make that call! I KNOW you'll snap out of it, soon. You're our positive force, here, remember? God is blessing you. He is. Feel His energy in you. :) Hugs.

  18. Whoa! I'm glad you WERE able to survive such a trip. I can see why you'd feel vulnerable at this time. Please know that you are precious, deserve love and comforting, and do something truly loving for yourself. I'm in your corner. ((((((((JBR))))))))

  19. I totally understand! I get emotionally drained from my 'family' and mum too! So familiar....I am 48 yrs old and have only handled my mother better for the past '2 years' and that is in part that I do not live in the same state as her! .. smiles..

    I am so Proud of you for doing the trip in the first place!!! I won't not do it again either. It's just not a healthy position to put yourself in & now you need to take care of YOU!! I know, because I get in the same place as you are in now. In fact just last month was very over whelming and I had to go see my mom and family (who has never been there for me) to be nice, etc. I survived, but I was sick before and after wards.

    Love you! Take care of You!! & remember that You are Amazing to all of us!!!!!!
    ~ Coreen

  20. Stupeedo is one thing you're not!!Having your own mind is what gives you strength!So sad that the one person that should hug you is the one nagging you!!

    As I read through the comments I can feel you are loved.We don't have to be blood related to be family.I know lots of people here love you as their own.Hold your head up high!!

  21. Very proud of you, my survivor sis.