Allowing myself to be nurtured can still be difficult.
My mum's nurturing over all these years has been a dysfunctional kind of nurturing/love. So "her love" "her control" "her fears" has been really all that I have been used to and know. But, I am slowly learning a healthier way. I am becoming stronger in breaking away.
My mum is a very critical and judgmental individual as my father was as well. Both were alcoholics. My father was not there for me most of my life. My dad was not a "hugging" father nor encourager as well as my mum. I felt abandoned by him. My feelings towards him became numb. Probably why I could not grieve his death. My parents divorce and the sexual abuse from my older brother when I was around 8-9, both going on at the same time, had a tremendous effect on me.
Part of my healing is letting people be there for me and visa versa. Letting them in to my pain. Doing this remains hard for me still. But, oh so much easier than before. Much easier. Praise God!
Allowing hugs that are good and healthy are welcomed. In fact I really like hugs now. Still struggle on accepting that I am important and worthy enough to be listened to and supported though. The l-o-v-e word is a big obstacle for me.
Let yourself be nurtured and loved. Let people be there for you. Allow yourself to be held when it would feel good. Let someone listen to you, support and encourage you when you need that. Receive comfort from someone's physical presence when you need that. Allow yourself to be supported emotionally and cared about.
For too long, we've stood in the background, attending to the needs of others and claiming we have no needs of our own. We've shut off, for to long, the part of us that longs to be nurtured.
It is time, now, to claim those needs, to identify them, and to understand that we deserve to have them met.
What are our needs? What would feel good? What kinds of ways would we like others to nurture and support us? The clearer we can be about our needs, the greater the possibility they will be met.
Hugs. A listening ear. Support. Encouragement. The physical and emotional presence of people who care about us. Doesn't that sound good? Tempting?
Someone once said to me, "The eighties have been a 'me' decade. Now, maybe the nineties can be a 'you' decade."
My reply was immediate. "Let's make the nineties a 'me' and 'you' decade."
No matter how long we've been recovering, we never outgrow our need for nurturing and love.
Today, I will open to recognizing my needs for nurturing. I will be open to the needs of those around me too. I can begin taking a nurturing, loving attitude toward myself and by taking responsibility for my needs in relationships.
Hazelden Foundation
This hit home for me. I did not have the abuse you had but my mother drank and my dad worked evenings. I never felt like I was cared for. Even if we don't drink we can still pass these things/or lack of feelings on to our children. It's been a struggle for me. We are adult children of alcoholics. I try really hard to give really big hugs to my children. They are of course adults. I never feel worthy of them or compliments either. I love my husband but he does not give me what I thought I would get. His claim is always your an adult Debby get over it.
ReplyDeleteI still feel like I need the love I missed as a child and I'm 59!
Blessings,
ReplyDeleteandrea
PS: Thank you for all your prayers, encouragement, kind words, and support over the last few months. You will never know what it means to me.
this one was really good...i have to let myself be nutured more...
ReplyDeleteNever was I told I was loved by my mother and she was an abusive alcoholic. My father left before my first birthday and never again saw me. My step dad sexual and physically abused me. Then a married an abusive husband. I learned my nurture from my children. My love for them was always unconditional and vise verse. Therefore I was very suspicious of anyone that showed they cared for me. Hang in there and take some "safe" risk and you will find the peace you need.
ReplyDeleteWith the circumstances of your childhood it comes as no surprise that you would have trouble with the love word, JBR. The word was associated with a lot of hurt for you. Accepting hugs is great progress! It shows that you are opening up to others and trusting more. I used to dread hugs and it took me a long time before I could accept them or give them with ease. I guess we've both made a lot of progress!
ReplyDeleteIt's interesting-- after I read your first sentence I found a dictionary and looked up the word "nurture." Here's the first two entries: (1) to feed and protect; (2) to support and encourage. What strikes me about this is that all of these things are needs-- we need to be fed, protected, supported, encouraged. We need to get these things from the people in our lives, but we also need to get them from ourselves. And the latter is especially difficult when you are recovering from childhood trauma.
ReplyDeleteI give you a lot of credit for the progress you have made. You are living in recovery.
Wishing you well,
NOS
JBR, so much wisdom in all of the comments. I loved every one of them. I think it is how we learn to cope by walling ourselves off. To have some kind of safety zone.
ReplyDeleteFor years and years I would not let anyone get within my zone (my arms stretched out side to side and the enclosing circle). I have since come to embrace the love and encouragement that comes with the letting of others in to my safety zone.
You are making such good progress. I am really enjoying reading about your journey. I think a lot of acceptance comes from your blog friends. Just know you are so worthy and we all love you.
HUgs to you my friend.
Pam
JBR you've been an inspiration to me. Your insight deep into your own soul has proved there is hope on the journy. The God you serve is one indication that he is a loving and caring God. He's right there for you, for me, for any of us. Didn't mean this to be a preaching post. God Bless.
ReplyDeleteJBR, I read through from my last comment I left, so I know the dinner didn't go well and I'm very sorry for it!!! This post on nurturing is so great, in deed, you do need to allow others to hug you, to love you. But how can you trust when your trust has been broken in the most critical developing part of your childhood? ... Once again I say that you do a great job on your recovery journey and that I pray one day you may trust love and let love completely ... lots of love! blessings!
ReplyDeleteYes your Mum, is always hard to deal with. Controlling etc. Good that you can see that now
ReplyDeletekim
I meant to say, many Moms can be hard to deal with!
ReplyDeleteFor too long, we've stood in the background, attending to the needs of others and claiming we have no needs of our own. We've shut off, for to long, the part of us that longs to be nurtured. ...
ReplyDeleteI'm must bawling...read the above post..put on hillsong to listen and than started reading this post. I connected with your above post,,than when I read all this, and especially the part I copied, that did me in,,tears began..
I'm in a place where you are also right now..that dark season...lots of changes are happening in my life and I'm extrememly emotional, memories like you mention also pop in my head...some good, some funny, some filled with sorrow for me and hurt...working through it so I don't get stuck in it, or be filled with so much anger towards others that I turn away from the healing that God has been doing in my life...sigh.....God brings me here to have some godly counsel and a counselling session,,lol and cry too..((Hugs)) Now that your getting comfortable with it, I gave you just a little one sis...ok,,gotta go,,I'm crying again and need to really spend some time with the Lord and soak in what I learned in these two posts.