"Yet a time is coming
and has now come when the true worshipers will worship
the Father in spirit and truth, for they are the
kind of worshipers the Father seeks." - John 4:23

My Heavenly Daddy is healing
me from the inside out.

Transparency is Real.
Many times painful.

Daddy let me be secure in You only!

Sunday, November 14, 2010



Had dinner with my mum tonight for her birthday.

I have never witnessed such a negative woman in my life. Non stop negative words coming out of that woman's mouth. I do not enjoy being in her presence at all. We really do not have anything in common except her giving birth to me. I cannot believe how much I have changed with my thinking! I am not tracking with her anymore.

At one point early on (as I was going crazy just hearing over and over negatively about the economy, the gas, the president, my pastor, my money, my car, my clothes, my work, etc.) I asked her could we talk about something positive. She hit the roof with that reply saying, "What are you talking about. I am not negative. I can't even talk normal to you anymore." I replied, "mum all you talk about is negative things. You don't trust God with what you are saying."

She even then went on to say to me, which hurt to the core, that she rebuked Satan in my life because of the way I have been acting. OMG!!! She then went off on me about that she is not negative and how dare I. Then she went off with the way I believe and that she does not appreciate certain preachers that I like and that they are phony. Then criticizing my own pastor with what he wears.

At one point I just did not say anything anymore. I could not. I was spent. I did not like being with her. She is one person that will not listen to reason. She is a stubborn controlling woman who has to be right.

I do not know what I am going to do???

As I said, I really do not like talking to her. I am so oppressed by her presence. There is no life in her conversations. She is so unhappy and fearful and will not admit this. I did not even feel the presence of the Holy Spirit the time we were together tonight. I knew He did not leave me, but He was in hiding from the negativity. He wanted no part of it either. There is no joy in my mum.

Now enter the false guilt. I am really struggling tonight after leaving her. I cannot believe I was brought up on all this crap. No wonder my thinking has been screwed up. Only difference back then I never argued, just fell right into it.

I am tired and my head is wickedly pounding. I feel guilty about how I handled my mum tonight. I am really feeling low. I do not enjoy feeling this false crap.

I was angry, annoyed, irritated, frustrated all because of her. I know a lot of these emotions are false guilt. I tried my best to have a normal conversation with the woman, but could not. Everything is a battle for control and dominance. I am trying to remind myself that what she is doing is "all about her and her issues, her fears and they have nothing to do with me." So I need not feel guilty. It is hard.

I know the more I face the false guilt the stronger I will be in overcoming this thinking. Right now, in the early stages of applying healthy tools in thinking and accepting who I am in Christ, it is hard!!! But I am determined, to prevail in Christ! He is my Rock!! He will see me through this pain.


Below is more info on False Guilt that may be of interest. I recognize a lot of the signs here. The bug illustration is a good one:

The Source of False Guilt

Next, I would like to focus on the source of false guilt: an overactive conscience. What is an overactive conscience? How does it function? Steve Shores says, "The mission of a person's overactive conscience is to attract the expectations of others."

Imagine a light bulb glowing brightly on a warm summer's night. What do you see in your mind's eye? Bugs. Bugs of every variety are attracted to that light. The light bulb serves as a magnet for these insects. Imagine that light is an overactive conscience. The expectations of others are the "bugs" that are attracted to the "light" of an overactive conscience.

Now imagine a light bulb burning inside a screened porch. The bugs are still attracted, but they bounce off the screen. The overactive conscience has no screen. But it is more than that. The overactive conscience doesn't want a screen. The more "bugs" the better. Why? Because the whole purpose is to meet expectations in order to gain approval and fill up the emptiness of the soul. This is an overactive conscience, a light bulb with lots of bugs and no screen.

A key to understanding the overactive conscience is the word "active." Someone with false guilt has a conscience that is always on the go. False guilt makes a person restless, continually looking for a rule to be kept, a scruple to observe, an expectation to be fulfilled, or a way to be an asset to a person or a group.

The idea of being an asset is a crucial point. When I am an asset, then I am a "good" person and life works pretty well. When I fear I've let someone down, then I am a liability. My life falls apart, and I will work hard to win my way back into the favor of others.

So an overactive conscience is like a magnet for expectations. These expectations come from oneself, parents (whether alive or not), friends, bosses, peers, God, or distorted images of God. False guilt makes the overactive conscience voracious for expectations. False guilt is always looking for people to please and rules to be kept.

An overactive conscience is also seeking to keep the "carrot" of acceptance just out of reach. This "carrot" includes self-acceptance and acceptance from others and from God. The guilt-ridden conscience continually says, "Your efforts are not good enough. You must keep trying because, even if your attempts don't measure up, the trying itself counts as something."

For that reason, an overactive conscience is not happy at rest. Though rest is the birthright of the Christian, relaxing is just too dangerous, i.e., relaxing might bring down my guard, and I might miss signs of rejection. Besides, acceptance is conditional, and I must continually prove my worthiness to others. I can never be a liability if I am to expect acceptance to continue. It is hard to relax because I must be ever fearful of letting someone down and must constantly work to gain acceptance.

In summary, a person with false guilt and an overactive conscience spends much of his or her life worn out. Unrelenting efforts to meet the expectations of others can have some very negative consequences.

© 1996 Probe Ministries International



  1. Wow Sis,,, this was super enlightening!!!
    Kind of reminds me of my moms overwhelmingness..
    Hope thats a word,, anyway, by night time its hard to get out of the false guilt trap sometimes.. I praise God for her and she does have Jesus now too... Still, she can be quite overwhelming and shes 81...A very proud and quite stubborn women even now if she gets into politics especially...We refrain from that topic at all times :0)
    Praying that your Sunday and new week are blessed as you reflect on Jesus...Praise God from who all blessings flow,,Praise Father, Son and Holy Ghost...Amen

  2. Just keep praying for her.She must be miserable. I hate that she put you through such stress. You can be my daughter for awhile. lol. I always wanted many children. I'm praying for her to open her eyes and really see what she is doing to you. I'm glad your faith in Jesus is so strong.I'm saying a little prayer for you now.

    Dear God,
    There is real healing needed here. Please step in and give JBR a peace with her Mom. Let her Mom see the pain she is causing her daughter. You are a God of miracles and nothing is impossible for you. Amen.

    Hang in there and continue to stay strong.(((JBR))))

  3. Hey, do we have the same mother?!?!?!? I go through very similar feelings with my own Mom. She is so bitter and spews negativity. I went through a couple of years where I dreaded being in my Mom's presence. I just realized that God must have done some healing there because I don't have that same type of dread.

    One thing I often do before visiting is bind a spirit of bitterness and a spirit of control operating in my Mom in Jesus' Name. Girl, I can SO relate to what you're saying.

    One day I was talking to my parents about some of my Charismatic beliefs (hee hee) and my Dad was quick to inform me that he thought "Crazy Peggy" was the only crazy one in the family. Nice, eh?

    (((hugs))) Hang in there. You are on the right path.


  4. Hurting people hurt others. Your mother must really be hurting to have said such things to you.

    Maybe you need a little time a part from her. If someone is destroying your life it is OK to not see or talk with them. You just walk away.

    Toxic people poison others they come in contact with. I am not giving up on her as I continue to pray for you mother and of course you.

    It is so great to see how far you have come and to watch where you are going. There is nothing wrong with you. Don't fall for her ploy.

    Just tell her that if she can't be more positive then you won't be seeing her anymore. I bet she changes her tune when she realizes that you won't be around to listen to her whine.

    God Bless you.
    Peace be with you.

  5. Please quit putting yourself within her presence to be so dominated and put down by her. Write her letters to keep in touch, and continue to pray for her, but don't subject yourself and your well-being to her 'vile' behavior. If she were an abusive husband, would you continue to subject yourself to meetings with the abusive husband to be dragged down. I think not. Be strong and do what you have to do to continue growing as a strong human being.

  6. JBR It wasn't until my own Psych told me, very calmly with noted facts to back up her statement that I realized how bad it was in my family. She stated in 30 years of her work only two other clients had she told, "you would do well to walk away. don't look back, just walk to happiness and faith that you so deserve". I've not looked back once and on occassion, I allow myself to be completely 100% happy. I no longer consider family that which I was born to but that which I choose. Hugs. Tammy

  7. Dear JBR,

    Thank you very much for stopping by my blog. It is so nice to hear from you. I like what you wrote on your profile "I am a work in progress". Amen! Me too :) It's our comfort and encouragement that He Who hath begun a good work in us will perfect it one day (1 Philippians 1:6).

    I am saddened to read of your painful and difficult experiences with your mum. My heart goes out to you as I have had such experiences with some loved ones and friends from time to time. It can be very painful and yes, lots of false guilt.

    Thanks for sharing about false guilt. This is an issue I often have to battle with and it is one of my triggering factor that can cause depression. I am still learning day by day to cast all my cares upon our Lord and to try harder not to let my expectation of myself or others expectations of me pull me down. It's not easy but I trust the Lord will help me day by day.

    In fact, I am learning that there are 10 faulty thinking patterns, one of which is false guilt or false responsibility, that I need to recognize and reverse, by His grace and help, so that I can live a more balance life. A Pastor wrote and talked about it. I posted it at my website:


    May God continue to draw you closer to Himself daily and give you much grace and wisdom to relate to your mum. May He also changes her so that she may know Him and bear forth the fruit of the Spirit. I am keeping you and your mum in prayers. Hang in there! With God all things are possible! Take care and God bless.

    Warm regards,

  8. Dear JBR,
    I am fascinated by what you share on false guilt, it really is a challenging thing to think about. Thanks for being strong enough to share your struggle with us.
    One thing that really struck me reading your post is when you wrote "There is no joy in my mom." and I thought but there IS joy in you! What a great blessing! You have joy and the grace of God in you and regardless of who you are with, that is essentially you. A beautiful, cherished daughter of the Lord. Maybe your mom sees this deep faith and joy in your spirit and reacts so negatively because she doesn't have it and maybe something in her envies your peace and optimism.

    Anyway, I am praying for you in this. It must be so difficult.

    God bless!

    Love Colleen

  9. JBR I've read both your posts on false guilt. Amazing insight and truth. Many of us suffer from belieivng hurtful things about ourselves that many of us have just accepted the awful told to us are true. You on the otherhand are recognizing that we don't have to be that way. For that I'm grateful for you and what you share for us to learn. God Bless.

  10. ouch!!! some people we have to unfortunately place on the outskirts of our life, for they will surely just drag us down... sad when it is someone who should be close to us, one who should support us. but you know what to do, understand your feelings and know pretty much what to do. that's a good starting point. lotsa love!

  11. JBR, you cannot make her see reason. Trying to make her see reason is controlling form your part. Sorry for being so straight forward. You feel better and maybe like to share that with her. But it is not on you trying to change her. You have power over one person only - thats you. And the best about this is, you took back your power, you mature, you grow, you empower yourself. That is what counts!

  12. I can so relate to your pain.
    Trusting the Lord
    to enable you to let go
    and to let Him love you
    right there in that painful place
    in your life and heart
    are balm for your soul
    ...praying it soothes the pain
    as quickly as possible
    and that not even a drop
    is wasted.
    The piece on false guilt you
    shared is SO powerful!!!!!!
    Wow....must save and soak
    in that.
    Thanks for sharing, dear one.

  13. Again, no great pearls of wisdom from me; I would say that the word "boundaries" comes to mind, and I think you're well on your way toward recognizing the need for them. May God grant you wisdom and the subsequent strength to guard your heart and mind in him and him alone.


  14. I have just read through these comments on your post. I sure agree with Elaine, right above mine... I think you are forming new boundaries as you move along in your own faith. Keep asking and trusting as you go. He will make your path clear, and in the process, your faith is growing JBR.


  15. Wow, so so sorry my friend, that you had to experience this once again! She reminds me of my ex-husband, ex-mother-in-law for sure and my mom before she started lossing her memory and all the things that she used to be so bitter about!

    Praying & Hugging you very, very tight today!!!!
    Love you!!

  16. Hi jbr, thank you so much for writing about this and sharing that passage! I'm going through a bit of people-pleasing/approval-seeking this week and have been working on getting out of that mindset. That reading is right on for me! Just what i needed to see. Thank you :)

    About your mom, she sounds like she is toxic to you, that it is difficult for you to spend time with her and not get caught up in bad feelings. I am so familiar with that! I think there are different ways you can handle these situations and I think asking to make the conversation positive was a great step. It's not your fault she reacted the way she did. We can do our best to set limits and let people know what is ok with us and what isn't and sometimes people have defense mechanisms that really feel hurtful. Like denial and lashing out at you with criticism like she did. In the past ive chosen to distance myself from people when I can't help but get caught up and feel hurt by them. But I know not everyone wants to put distance (detach with love) from family members, in extreme ways. If you still want to spend time together, I think detaching in the moment is also possible. To know her reaction is her responsibility and you can take care of yourself no matter what she is saying. There's a site on "emotional blackmail" I love that I may have told you about already. Here are some of the things they suggest saying to help you take care of yourself when people are trying to make you feel bad:
    * You're entitled to your opinion.
    * I'm sure that's how it looks to you.
    * That could be.
    * You may be right.
    * I need to think about this more.
    * We'll never get anywhere if you keep insulting me.
    * I'm sorry you're upset.

    I love these!!

    Wishing you well, jbr. Take care today. Do what you can to nurture and replenish what got worn out yesterday :)

  17. I am so sorry your mother is hurting you!! Take care.

  18. Bless your heart sweetie, your negative Mama seems to thrive on pushin' your buttons. I have a MIL who sees the bad sad side of everything and just a few minutes with her can bring a happy spirit plummeting.

    My daddy pass away about six weeks ago. He could sick a knife in my heart faster that anything with his hurtful words. My dad had another side too, a fun spirited side. I just wrote a post about that side of him. It sounds like I had the perfect father but I'm so not ready to write the other side, especially while my sweet mama is still living. It's been difficult, especially since I've had this love/hate relationship over the years. Sorry, I guess I needed to talk....thank you.

    I will pray that God will change your mothers heart and also that you have the knowledge that it is HER problem and it's not you. Hang in there sweetie!

    God bless and have a beautiful day in the Lord!!!