PART II FALSE GUILT

NEED TO VENT
Had dinner with my mum tonight for her birthday.

I have never witnessed such a negative woman in my life. Non stop negative words coming out of that woman's mouth. I do not enjoy being in her presence at all. We really do not have anything in common except her giving birth to me. I cannot believe how much I have changed with my thinking! I am not tracking with her anymore.

At one point early on (as I was going crazy just hearing over and over negatively about the economy, the gas, the president, my pastor, my money, my car, my clothes, my work, etc.) I asked her could we talk about something positive. She hit the roof with that reply saying, "What are you talking about. I am not negative. I can't even talk normal to you anymore." I replied, "mum all you talk about is negative things. You don't trust God with what you are saying."

She even then went on to say to me, which hurt to the core, that she rebuked Satan in my life because of the way I have been acting. OMG!!! She then went off on me about that she is not negative and how dare I. Then she went off with the way I believe and that she does not appreciate certain preachers that I like and that they are phony. Then criticizing my own pastor with what he wears.

At one point I just did not say anything anymore. I could not. I was spent. I did not like being with her. She is one person that will not listen to reason. She is a stubborn controlling woman who has to be right.

I do not know what I am going to do???

As I said, I really do not like talking to her. I am so oppressed by her presence. There is no life in her conversations. She is so unhappy and fearful and will not admit this. I did not even feel the presence of the Holy Spirit the time we were together tonight. I knew He did not leave me, but He was in hiding from the negativity. He wanted no part of it either. There is no joy in my mum.

Now enter the false guilt. I am really struggling tonight after leaving her. I cannot believe I was brought up on all this crap. No wonder my thinking has been screwed up. Only difference back then I never argued, just fell right into it.

I am tired and my head is wickedly pounding. I feel guilty about how I handled my mum tonight. I am really feeling low. I do not enjoy feeling this false crap.

I was angry, annoyed, irritated, frustrated all because of her. I know a lot of these emotions are false guilt. I tried my best to have a normal conversation with the woman, but could not. Everything is a battle for control and dominance. I am trying to remind myself that what she is doing is "all about her and her issues, her fears and they have nothing to do with me." So I need not feel guilty. It is hard.

I know the more I face the false guilt the stronger I will be in overcoming this thinking. Right now, in the early stages of applying healthy tools in thinking and accepting who I am in Christ, it is hard!!! But I am determined, to prevail in Christ! He is my Rock!! He will see me through this pain.

Meanwhile....

Below is more info on False Guilt that may be of interest. I recognize a lot of the signs here. The bug illustration is a good one:

The Source of False Guilt

Next, I would like to focus on the source of false guilt: an overactive conscience. What is an overactive conscience? How does it function? Steve Shores says, "The mission of a person's overactive conscience is to attract the expectations of others."

Imagine a light bulb glowing brightly on a warm summer's night. What do you see in your mind's eye? Bugs. Bugs of every variety are attracted to that light. The light bulb serves as a magnet for these insects. Imagine that light is an overactive conscience. The expectations of others are the "bugs" that are attracted to the "light" of an overactive conscience.

Now imagine a light bulb burning inside a screened porch. The bugs are still attracted, but they bounce off the screen. The overactive conscience has no screen. But it is more than that. The overactive conscience doesn't want a screen. The more "bugs" the better. Why? Because the whole purpose is to meet expectations in order to gain approval and fill up the emptiness of the soul. This is an overactive conscience, a light bulb with lots of bugs and no screen.

A key to understanding the overactive conscience is the word "active." Someone with false guilt has a conscience that is always on the go. False guilt makes a person restless, continually looking for a rule to be kept, a scruple to observe, an expectation to be fulfilled, or a way to be an asset to a person or a group.

The idea of being an asset is a crucial point. When I am an asset, then I am a "good" person and life works pretty well. When I fear I've let someone down, then I am a liability. My life falls apart, and I will work hard to win my way back into the favor of others.

So an overactive conscience is like a magnet for expectations. These expectations come from oneself, parents (whether alive or not), friends, bosses, peers, God, or distorted images of God. False guilt makes the overactive conscience voracious for expectations. False guilt is always looking for people to please and rules to be kept.

An overactive conscience is also seeking to keep the "carrot" of acceptance just out of reach. This "carrot" includes self-acceptance and acceptance from others and from God. The guilt-ridden conscience continually says, "Your efforts are not good enough. You must keep trying because, even if your attempts don't measure up, the trying itself counts as something."

For that reason, an overactive conscience is not happy at rest. Though rest is the birthright of the Christian, relaxing is just too dangerous, i.e., relaxing might bring down my guard, and I might miss signs of rejection. Besides, acceptance is conditional, and I must continually prove my worthiness to others. I can never be a liability if I am to expect acceptance to continue. It is hard to relax because I must be ever fearful of letting someone down and must constantly work to gain acceptance.

In summary, a person with false guilt and an overactive conscience spends much of his or her life worn out. Unrelenting efforts to meet the expectations of others can have some very negative consequences.

© 1996 Probe Ministries International

WoW!